I got four words for ya:


Ham off the bone.

Levi, a good nut


I dunno if Levi has a head made of concrete but its sounds as if u he is one lucky bugger eh?.

No tabouli please, we're aussie


Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Here's some racist aussies rioting

Bring Back Penelope Barr


So like fuck Wellington and its fucking cold weather. Its bad enough that Take That are getting back together but this fucking rain is pissing me off. NE way who fucking complains about the rain in a blog? One only does that when they have nothing to say.

Fire away, Fay Wray


So its funny how you never hear of cool people till they are dead. Who knew that Link Wray invented the power chord? Hell, other than Quentin Tarantino 'who lives for that shit*', who had even heard of this guy?

A poem for a dead guy

Link Wray
Power chords did he play
Now he's dead
No more tunes in his head

In a slight tangent, I think the guitar tuning arrangement 'Drop D' would be a cool ironic name for a Gangster Rapper. Especially if Fiddy Cent put some caps in his ass yo'.

Hmmm 50 cent mixtures.

*To paraphrase xXx

7 Songs that Float My Boat right now....


As per Mister Chris and the Whore's exhortations….

I bring u 7 Songs that Float My Boat right now....

Last Man Standing  – from Bon Jovi's Have a Nice Day.

Classic formulaic BJ, cool gat intro, cheese laden lines, with a seemingly self referencing last verse. I think Bruce Willis a la his Pulp Fiction boxing character when I hear this. Oh and it disses homey music, bonza!

Check out Bon Jovi's This House is not For Sale' album lyrics

Let there be love – de Oasis' Don't believe the Truth.

Our Kid and his Big Bro duet on the album closer. If u know Oasis, know the history, know the songs that have been before and 'get it' you'll know why this song is just mega. Re the whole album - its like finally Oasis realised their b-sides are their best songs and did the album accordingly... For you Oasis haters out there, fuck off*.

Driving WheelsJimmy Barnes' first solo album (?)

I have no idea what the words in the chorus are but they grab at my emotions and make me feel like I can do anything. I heard this song a few months ago and went out bought the best of Cold Chisel and Barnsie. Worth the 40 odd bucks for a real CD....

C is for Cookie

You know you know this one. I was in a classroom the other day and the chords and words to this song where on the white board. Handily enough, there was a guitar right next to the white board. U do the math. Dammit, this song is in my head!

That Baitercell song that goes 'we burn it up'

With me Ipod dying a bloody death, I can't recall the name of this song, its four letters with dots in between…M.a.z.e ?  ne ways this is one 'homey' song I actually like. Where be the overdrive….?

Number 7. There is no number 7.

*U2's B-sides are pretty good too!

Where's the Beef?


I don't recall on having blogged/b'arched on any thing mildy political lately but the fact the SPCA (a body with I understand some kind of legislative powers) has put out the call for farmers to put their milking cows on diets because they are fat is just freakin nonsense. Somebody call Wayne Mapp!

From Stuff : "SPCA national education manager Sara Elliott, of Wellington, issued a statement yesterday warning farmers that there was a danger of record levels of obesity, because grass was particularly lush and rich at present."

"…to which Coastal Taranaki farmer John Washer, who has 40 years' dairying experience, said the SPCA was "udderly" wrong and ill-informed." 'Udderly' – that's clever! I would never have picked that pun in a million years!

To which I sarcastically say 'Yes that's so true! Because eating vegative materials commonly found in salads really does make you make you fat. Aye Kirsty Alley!'

Mooving on.

"Record levels of obesity' interesting phrase – I was not aware there was a recording system of cattle obesity in NZ. Is there a Plunket for Cows ?? Does SPCA run weight clincs every year for cows? And if so, do they get the Fat Cow that always seems to be able to push her way to the front of the bus queue each morning?

Maybe these cows get fat because they eat each meal of lush and rich grass eight times or something....

This is bloody typical of the SPCA, firing off on some misguided Peta like attempt to save the universe and its humble creatures. I'm reminded of the time a while back when the SPCA noted its concern about farm dogs being 'too skinny'. Well you can't have your working farming dog eating cake and having it too. They run around a lot keeping those naughty sheep on the straight and narrow and so are skinny. Just like those barefoot Cheeky Darkies that win all the gold medals at the Olympics.

Maybe the cows are fat because they don't exercise much. I think the SPCA should demand mandatory exercise classes for cows – call it 'Milkshake' or 'Bovisize' or something else jazzy to get eager buy in from the Cow's Collective. (Surely the cows have unionised by now right?)

Yes, it's true sometimes farmers do stuff up and animals suffer – it's a fact of life and there are agencies governmentmental and NGO wise out there that deal with it on a case by case basis.

What's my point? SPCA should stick to its knitting and get the pricks who sever dogs in half (which they do and good on 'em) rather than get into areas they perhaps don't really understand.

Which is probably a thing for bloggers to think about too…..

Yo, turn to that station


So like I thought I was being totally original in referencing the r.e.m. moment of lyrical genius "I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract" from the song 'I believe' in my kinda weird poem thingy below and then I got curious – and found that some brightspark  beat me to it. In fact it seems its been done a gazillion times over. It just lends weight to the theory that feathers can hit the ground b4 the weight can leave the air, don't it?

 

Or rather it shows there are no original ideas left.
 
An idea such as stealing an r.e.m. lyric and referencing it in homage to the best freaking band from America ever, was already taken. Meh I have no idea wtf I'm on about. In unrelated world events, I did however listen to 'Monster' last night and as it did circa 1994 it still freaking rocks my world.
 
I also last night saw Pride and Prejudice Keira Knightley style and I must say it was kinda good. Judi Dench as usual was in fine form as a right royal b'arch. I love her in james bond's 'Golden Eye' when she calls our man "a misogynist dinosaur, a relica of the cold war...' or something like that. Donald Sutherland has come a long way since MASH eh? Meh this is one of those posts that's going no where so tirrah.

 

 

 

Everything you know is wrong


coyote white


I believe in the power of television. I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract. I believe in closed circuit tv. I believe the internet is the new bible. I believe in sugar filled drinks. I believe there is nothing out there but big rocks and aliens. I believe Captain Kirk was beamed up. I believe in miss congeniality. I believe its okay to eat fish cos they don't have any feelings. I believe all we need is love, love, love. I believe in rock music. I believe Shortland Street can really save the world. I believe in bread. I believe in coke and microsoft. I believe in rational choice and independent thinking. I believe in you. I believe in monsta truck and Phar Lap. I believe in the almighty dollar. I believe in user pays. I believe in the Easter Bunny and Superman comics. I believe in Bert and Ernie and the rubber ducky. I believe in rubber and rubbers. I believe in the Black Caps and picnics. I believe in the alphabet. I believe the truth is out there.

It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky



Rumour mill has it The Edge and his Electric Company will be comin for a pint on St Paddy's day next year... oh to be sure, to be sure......

Press Anykey to Continue


I'm afraid of americans. I'm afraid of blue cheese. I'm afraid of birds that sneeze. I'm afraid of trent reznor. I'm afraid of the word. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid of copyright infringement. I'm afraid of tetnus. I'm afraid of chewing gum. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the tv hum. I'm afraid of satan claws. I'm afraid of magneto. I'm afraid of madonna. i'm afraid of fat mormons knocking on my door. I'm afraid, I'm afraid of your mum. I'm afraid of my bank overdraft. I'm afraid I have a compulsive disorder. I'm afraid I missed shortland street every night last week. I'm afraid of the front lawn. I'm afraid my non existent coffee is too weak. I'm afraid of thelma and louise. Did I mention the blue cheese?

Get Lost


So like after having overpriced but tasty lambshanks at the Cornerstore, me and Jay Bee got out Be Cool   last night. What a rancid pile of flaking turd it is. John Travolta is Mr Cool and that's about it – in fact that's all I know because I stopped watching after half an hour or so. I hate sequels and Mr Cool acknowledge this in the first scene. I hope he took the money and ran.  I could sense this movie was becoming  a farce when Vince Vaughn started hamming it up big time, all yo yo yo yo mofo like.

 

It's the sequel to Get Shorty which I've never seen. I have read the Elmore Leonard novel of that film that inspired this mess and that's a fine read. EL writes pretty good crime stuff actually, go get some from your local over funded with ratepayers rates library.  Then catch a ride in ur local uneconomic but still heavily ratepayer subsidised bus service (the Loser's Cruiser) and go and have a swim in the uneconomic but still kept afloat by the ratepayer community swimming pool. It is summer after all……

 

 

Maaaawwhaaahhhhaaaaahaaa!


To co-opt a Queen song:
 
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
 
 

The Great Race


So my trifecta lucked out thanks to On a Jeune splitting Maybe Diva and Excellent and Leica Falcon. I thought I had it for a bit. I yelled encouragement loudly at the screen but to no avail. But as Meat Loaf sang "two out of three aint bad" and I was pleased me horse had faired well for a gallant third. 'If only the track had not been watered....' I wondered. 
 
The other picks in my trifecta were spread down the finishing order - I have a hunch it was the light weights who probably did the best over all - stonkered and stomped on by the heavy mare of course.
 
The race concluded and the heart beat slowed, I had a Speights to wash out the bitter taste of losing another bundle on the cup and that was that. Being on New years Day at Hastings...
 
 

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?


Its taken me a bit of detective work but I've figured out who stole Pania. Its always the people you least expect innit? I feel I can legitimately now claim the ransom... I mean reward....

JJ's Site of the Week


Hooray for brazillians!
 

Untitled


Though plain to some folk
His folk crossed the cotton plains
Singing songs of a white man's fallen dreams
And a blackman's haunted screams

All he had was three chords and the truth
So he sang for the convicted when there was no guilty proof
And when the crowds did come and applause
The claps and the cheers lifted the roof

When hewas channelin' Chaplin
And spouting like Thomas
His songs come upon us
With wise words of livin'


My favourite bureaucrat sayings that seem to be typical of many gummint employees


 

  • This project is going forward.
  • Hmmm this  sounds like front page of the Dom Post Material....   
  • Is it morning tea time yet?
  • I just had a call from a journalist panicking about……
  • I'll have to consult with legal before we can go forward.
  • Yes, Minister
  • Is it afternoon tea yet?
  • What no sausage rolls?
  • This meeting cannot go forward until the sausage rolls arrive.
  • What no sauce?

If you are confused, check with the sun


So like I'm da big REM fan and was listening to Green earlier… when I realised I'd misheard a lyric and I had done so like, forever. In the song Stand I thought the line was 'if fishes were trees, the trees would be falling". Kinda weird imagery but that's Micheal Stipe for you. He's always toying with weird word ideas and making interesting connections and juxapostions of ideas, even if you have no idea what he's on about.

 

The true line is 'if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling' which kinda makes more sense in the context of the song. I prefer my version any way…

I'll Have A Bacardi And Coke Please Myfannwy


So like I've been trying to get my sticky fingers on 10 grand the easy way by consuming the liquid offerings of the world's worst teeth rotting, nail rusting, sugar craving sating brand, Coke. 

Or rather Diet Coke. 

Diet Coke is offering 10 grand on a credit card instantly if u find the right bottle cap


I figure I've drank more diet coke in the last week than Steinlager beer trying to win. Which is kinda hard to believe really…

Obviously I haven't won the 10 grand. I wouldn't be sitting here if I had. 


I'd be drinking Steinlager at the Feathers if I had. 

I type lots don't I?

So like are there other people out there who have switched from the  supersaturated with white death products of Coke and V products (me) to Diet Coke in the hope of a small matter of 10K like me? 

And if so is the reduction in sugar making me/them more healthy? Is Coke and my/NZers greed to win 10K ironically making us skinnier and therefore healthier? 

If so real real Coke should be banned. 

Or taxed. Hey! That's a great idea 

Jimmy - lets tax all food that's bad for us....... *

That is of course only true if drinking diet coke is good for you in the first place. I have my doubts.

My usual breakfast is a V, and bless Frucor, its packed with 190kJ per 100 ml serving. Or 11.2g of carbohydrates  per 100ml which is all sugar (I think). Who needs soggy weet-bix when u can suck down on a V or Coke.

 Today's nutritionless brekkie was Diet Coke, packing a pussy amount of 1.5kJ and 0.1g of carbs. Needless to say my intended effect of Diet Coke is shite and by 10am I went had had a proper teeth rotting V.

*Sarcasm intended to drip like a dog's mouth from that sentence.

We don't like cricket, oh no! We love it!


So some random comment leaver left a snide comment about cricket. Well, like the Empire did, I'm striking back with an observation on the game at hand .
 

The World XI batting line-up – is this best team ever assembled in terms of averages? 6 of them have averages of over 50. 5 of those are over 54. Nine players of that team have at least two centuries to their name for a total of 126 centuries between them. Has that ever happened before? I'd email The Numbers Guy at Cricinfo but well that would be just too tryhard...

 

Oh - what about having three triple test centurions playing the in same line-up together? Surely that's never happened b4??....
 
 

 

Guess Q thinks they're Able


So I was looking at the teletext last night (no, that's not some fancy new 3G mobile fone product…) and I noted Oasis got a mention for winning the Q music Gong for Best Album. That's worth a fuck in the bushes I thought – in fact that's …Mega!

I note too, Levi was excited enuff to blog (just for me?) on it – some where). Shine on you crazy diamond. Or rather, slowly walk down the hall getting high on the lemonade of which your dreams are made while you slide away or just roll with it or … or something similarly paraphrasical. Yes, that's write Consumer Whore, I made up a word. Again. Incidentally, Fuck the Herald.

NE ways I mentioned somewhere on this lil blog that the album in Q(uestion) Don't Believe the Truth is a brilliant album. I don't need Q to tell me this but the confirmation that supposedly cool people out there know Oasis are still 'like a bomb' is somewhat heartening… considering most of you out there seem to hate Oasis… I bet the South Pacific Floral Wonder comments as such… or maybe not…

Our Kid's Big Big Brother was quoted as saying:

"It was a change to not get the token Live Act award for being able to play the guitar...Best Album, nice one."

Which is ironicish (there's another new word) cos Noel once said something like awards only matter if come from the fans. i.e. awards from the wanky music industry types itself don't count. But today is almost like, whatever. Geddit? Whatever? Levi will at least.

In accepting the ummm, glory? from such Q(uarters), maybe Noel is getting old and tiring of drinking Bonehead's supersonic gin and tonics. What's the story? I guess this is what happens when you stop taking drugs like they were 'a cup of tea in the morning'....

That man deserves a DB.


So like some smart* chick has been running round some town claiming to be Tana Umaga's sister and duping a taxi company into free rides. U can find the story on the NZ Herald site and a cool picture of a python with eyes bigger than his head. I'd link but it's a hassle apparently...

 

Ne ways – this impersonation reminded me of a feeble I attempted about 3 or 4  years ago. JJ Murphy's bar had recently opened in Cuba Street. The usual and then recent Wellington immigrants/suspects and  I were there, lagered up, aled and ginned up, as usual. Probably barred up as well but that's another story.

 

So iizatdabar about to order a drink and I spy with my lil eye a certain tasty beverage beginning with the letter S.

 

Says I "A steiny thanks, mate"

 

The Good Barkeep "Sorry mate, we don't sell that here, JJ Murphy's is a DB bar we cannot sell Steinlager or Lion Products by contract. How about a Celtic Red?"

 

Says I "Yes yous all do – their there" and I points at 'em.

 

GB "Oh those are the owner's….."

 

SI "Well I'm the owner's son!"

 

GB "Yeah? What's your name then?"

 

SI "Murphy!"

 

Slightly bemused GB "Piss off mate!!!!"

 

SI "I'll have a Celtic Red, then thanks"

 

And that's the story. I guess you had to be there.

*till she got caught.


War of the Wombs


What follows is an aborted post that I gave up on. Interesting word that, aborted.
 
-

 

There's something wrong with the world today when u wake up to learn that Katie Holmes is preggers with Tom Cruise's Alien Baby. It takes everything I got to not throw up.  I feel we have been served some kind of social injustice. I mean like was it not destined that Katie is supposed to be with Dawson? Forever (Or was that Pasey?).
 
How does Nic feel about all this? How does Mimi? How do you? How does Mrs Cruz?

 

In some crazy way I feel Oprah owes us all big time for unleashing this madness.

More than meets the eye.


mirage transformer

I still remember my first Transformer fondly. I vaguely recall our on2it Grandparents bought them back from America for us kids. I got Mirage, the F1 racing car. He had a missile that actually fired and everything. He was better than that rat shit Ratchet Dave got anyway….heh!

Mirage was my pride and joy until I left him on the bedroom floor and mum stomped on him with her red leather boots, apparently an accident. Its funny, you always remember the tiniest details when tragedy occurs - those red boots where clearly made for stomping on a child's dreams anyway. I was gutted the police didn't take my call about a murder in the family more seriously. A heroic gluing attempt by my father turned Mirage into a paraplegic and he was never the same again.

'More than meets the eye' was the tagline for what are undeniably the best toys for boys ever. In the early days I wondered who this strange Morvan robot was and why I had never seen him. And what was the Eye? I wondered if that Autobot face logo was actually him. It wasn't until I got my first Transformers ice block that I saw it written down and understood.

But the Transformers spark never died. NZ caught up to America and the lil mofos where everywhere. TV, towels, T shirts and ice blocks and comics and colouring in books galore. It was consumer whoredom heaven for kiddies.
Xmas duly came and boy o boy hasbro toy did Santa deliver big time. I became the proud owner of Optimus Prime, Fearless Leader of the Autobots and thus the best transformer ever. (We soon after got a new cat, and that's right, I named him Optimus Prime. This was swiftly shortened to Oppie. Sad but true.)

I was, for once, the coolest kid in the street. David got Megatron, the evil opposite of Optimus. The battle for Cybertron was never fought so well than in our bedrooms and the sandpit which Oppie often shat in. That is until Dangerous Dave took Megatron to school one day. The Meg returned like he'd just had a bout of rough sex with a bull dozer. Game over, man, game over.

Then there was the Movie. Optimus Prime died in the first 10 minutes. What the fuck! This is a kids movie! You don't kill the heroes! Oh wait I see now…kill the leaders, present two new ones and thus force parents everywhere to buy the latest must haves for their deserving little angels and whoa! We're millionaires twice over….again.

So I may or may not have bought a certain movie starring Orsen Welles voicing a certain character called Unicron today but my point is … fuck I dunno...

Rodimusbud?

Suck on that


My girl baked me cake and biscuits. Suck on this.
I'm having dinner at the White House ce soir. Suck on ur pinot noir.
I'm going to the Kelt Capital Races on sat. Suck on that.

Its a slow day at the office....


Ronald Reagan once noted that..

'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidise it. '
 
Jimmy Jangles on the other hand would rather  the Spice Girls' approach to life to be applied to the economy: 
 
'You've got to swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you
think you are?

Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are'

 

Cuba Street Crawlers


cuba street

Cuba Street. It's where the weird people are. And the wild. A real menagerie of people – it's the nexus for just about every kind of activity of exchange in the Wgtn CBD. Its the Trademe of the real world. Hookers or handbags – its has it all. In fact it's probably the closest thing Wellington has to an Otara Market.

Thus JJ brings you his observations of the Cuba Street Crawlers.

The Busker.

This is a diverse group of money makers. From the Spanish guitar player to the guy with the imaginary guitar they all try their luck. Scruffy or impeccably turned out – it's a hit and miss affair as to who yer gonna get. My personal fave was the English guy who did b-side covers of Oasis and Ocean Colour Scene tunes. Sadly missing for a while now.

These players are prone to turf wars, particularly a certain Pacific Island woman who gets hacked off with the amped up imaginary guitar players. These exchanges are usually more entertaining than the music on offer.

The Cosmic Corner Crowd.

They believe in the cosmic. As in they are 'especially distinct from Earth'. Enough said.

The Drunk

Falls into two distinct categories.
If I could sum up the first with two words it would be "Blanket Man". Without a doubt BM is Wellington's most famous bum. Certain to be found drunk or stoned with his other drunk or stoned comrades loitering somewhere near the Bucket Fountain.

Famous for exposing himself and smoking weed this guy doesn't have a care in the world. He is possibly too drunk and stoned too realise this however.
The other category of The Drunk is at the other end of the spectrum. Fast becoming known as

The Drunksy. This breed of crawler appears after watering all night at the Good Luck Bar or Matterhorn to puke or piss in the Bucket fountain.
Other signs of the Drunksy are the inability to climb stairwells or recall any event of said watering activities. The Drunksy doesn't have a care in the world save finding a cab home. Is possibly too involved with his or herself to find one.

The Cafe Crowd

Hipsters on Cuba Street drinking fair trade coffee, perhaps at Fidel's. According to their TS shirts, they believe Che lives and Fair trade and any other world saving slogan or Live 8 concert is gonna make a difference.

Everyone else

Just heading up to Real Groovey records for the latest Goldfrapp remix single on vinyl....

The Curious Inhabitants of the Quay




So after the expose that was The Terrace, I turn now to the old shoreline, Lambton Quay of Wellington.

Various creatures inhabit this stretch. It's like some sort of golden mile but without the pokie machines or hookers...

The Metro Sheep

Following their hunger and the crowd, they seek stomach satisfaction at New World Metro. High Priced Goods and Limited Choice is what these Quay citizens crave. Spotted in the huge queues about 12 - 1pm with their over priced chicken rolls and overprices sushi pieces.

The Godbotherer

Specifically that guy in a cap with the cool accent handing out brochures confirming Jimmy Jangles is going to hell (and should be there already). Or on a broader level, those over-smiley people holding books of some kind that I really really should read.

The Collector

More annoying than the godbotherers because they actually want something worth more than my soul – my cash. Jimmy Jangles doesn't work for the Man to give it away to causes of dubious merit. I mean for a godbotherers's sake the other week there was a guy collecting to give people helicopter rides!

Often one must run the Lambton Quay Gauntlet of Cash Collectors United as they harass you for spare change or a yuppie meal ticket. A case could be made that it's easier to give one of them some shrapnel and get a pretty sticker/ribbon/flower off them so the other Collectors know not to hassle you further.

A less common sub species of the Collector is:

The "The sign you up for a good cause" Dude.

You know the guy well. He looks like a tree hugger that's run out of unique and individual trees to hug. His dreads smell worse that a dead dog and his t-shirt screams at you to 'go organic'. He wants you to join Green Peace or some other well intentioned but ignorant of the real world whale saving / tree hugging outfit.

Sign your life away for a good cause his forms say! Only 10 bucks a week will save the Earth! I know a lovely lass that deliberately talks to the Good Cause Dude just to rob him of the chance to ensnare the good people of the Quay. Her record is 47 minutes arguing about the merits of the WTO.

The 16 year old slapper

She's sixteen and not sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flabby tummy like its sexy, hoping you notice her inny is pierced, as is probably her tongue. Wears giant bug eyed sunglasses thinking she's Paris Hilton, though instead of carrying a dog in her handbag she has her ugly best Nicole friend for companionship.

The 16 year old belle

She's sixteen, sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flat tummy as its sexy and you notice her pierced inny. U hope her tongue is pierced. She wears her bug eyed glasses and you would choose her over Paris Hilton. Instead of carrying a dog in her handbag… you just wish….

The Kircaldie and Stains Shopper.

Only the best will do for this inhabitant of the Quay. Example only the best cheeses imported from a 1 man cheese making enterprise niche from Poland will do because lets face it Cheesedale Chedder is shit for parties. Shoes? Ties? Scarves? Wine tasting? They have it all because they must have it all. Seen queing eagerly at 6.15 am for world famous in the Wairarapa Kirks sales, these shoppers invented the term no holds barred. During a sales melee they can be counted on to find the perfect pink YSL whilst fending of crazed pregnant ladies, the purple rinsed gang ladies and wives 'sent' in to get half price Van Heusens.

So, where do you fit in? ;)

That man deserves a DB


Dominion Brewery workers are going on strike for first time in 20 wears. All I can say is thank your god fearing, beer drinking beer gods it’s not Lion Nathan workers. LN makes the best beer in NZ, if not the whole world, Steinlager. And that’s a fact. A day without like Steinlager is like a day with out oxygen. Lifeless.

The Union wants 5 percent wage increases (Hmm, is that Andrew Little I smell?) DB has offered 4. I don’t know the whole details but I know anything above the rate of inflation seems to be a good deal. I guess DB should be thankful they don’t have a factory in Tonga!

I dislike unions – mainly because they seem to get hijacked by people who seem to think that everything in the world is owed to the workers. It’s not. I’ve ranted about this before but I’ll say it again if I give you a job, it’s my right to tell you how I want it done and how much I want to pay you. You can agree to do the work or not. NE arguments, its my way or the highway. Unless you have a better idea. And then I might give you a 10 percent bonus for working hard.

Just like DB does……

Update 1: Adolf Finklestein does a good post on the beering saga

Update 2: I actually did drink to DB's good health last whenerai. Good times times with Monteiths Pilsner indeed! Shussh! don't tell Geordie I was drinkng at the Occidental instead of the Feathers!

Update 3: There is no update 3. Get back to work!

If you're into beer, why not learn to make your own home brew!

Violet Grape Dance


So like it was National Poetry Day/Week or something yesterday. I had no inspiration to create so I went thru my stuff and found this old one. Seeing as its Woman's Refuge appeal week it seemed kind apt.

I wrote it in like 1995 when I was young and dumb. I still am.
-

VGD

Take your time, as much as you care
Irises, laveder and violets are in bloom outside my window
Take your books.
I have no room.
Your words mean nothing so I stare

Take your comb, gel and mace
Relax, I'm not driving tonight
and I don't need straigntening cause the worm will see me right
I'm gonna throw your clothes in the fire place.

You leave because of my worms?
Add a touch of salt and simmer, while I
forget the fun, frolics and freshness
I have no need for an inward eye.
Baby I'm still a winner but my stomach burns

Like a grape ripening I grow in lavender scent.
The sun dances on me, it teems, bountiful with its time.
Green to Purple.

Purple bruises, battereed pinks, gashed greens.
Is that why you went?

"William, this is James”



So like 5pm I turn up home. The Lil General has let himself in with the spare key. He’s in the army and there’s some dude called Handy with him, apparently he’s an Officer or a Left Tennant. We drink beers, spruce up and head to Molly Mallones in a cab.

The cabbie says, “you boys look pretty flash, yer thinking your gonna meet the Prince or something?”. “Um yes” the Lil General replies. Cabbie doesn’t believe us. Well he’s South African so who cares right?

At Molly Mallones bar – Meet some more army, navy and airforce dudes and lasses. Don’t see Molly any where. All good people and all having a nervous pint or two before us “movers and shakers” head off to the Governor General’s house.

We breeze thru security and pull up at the main entrance. A butler (?) opens the cab door for us. Crikey that’s a bit posh. “Welcome to Government House!”

LSS get inside and meet the Governor General, Dame Silvia Cartwright, who is wearing a black top with a black dress and white polka dots. Being the GG she’s very comfortable meeting nervous twits like me and the Lil General and a lawyer. After minor chit chat she says something like “Well the Prince is here to have to have a good time and I hope you do to” to which I reply something like “thank you for inviting me…” Man, I’m a plonker.

So we’re mingling. The Lil General is AWOL but I have bubbly. So I make new friends. Prince William is meeting the guests. I don't meet the Prince. Gutted. And then it's dinner.

Seated at lucky table number seven there is a stunner to my right and a stunner to my left. My hat off to whoever seated me! Shannon Paku, future All Black is to my right one over and a dude from Treasury another over. All great people, wondering how the hell they got here in the first place. Later I introduce the Lil General to Shannon and I say “ ….and this is Shannon, future All Black” to which he says “ I hope so” and really means it. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his NPC minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

Dinner is buffet. I have prawns, crayfish, lamb and ham. I have given up all chance of meeting Prince William. He is surrounded by all the pretty young things. They are gagging for it.

Do you still care? Any way dinner is over, Fat Freddy’s Drop is playing. Very cool. They know what the occasion is and play to it. Not too loud, not too flash, just some cool groovey tunes.

So I’m standing around drinking my erm, Lindauer, with Handy and we spy the Prince unguarded. We bowl on over. Intercepted by his body guard. Who turns out knows Handy. We chat.

“James, have you met the Prince?” he says. “No” Says I.

Guard reaches into the crowd that has surrounded the Prince and touches him on the arm. He turns. “William, this is James”.

And that’s how I met Wills. He’s taller than me and going slightly bald at the back. He had a nice pale blue shirt on. As he shakes my hand he says,

"You're not in the army are you? Not with hairlike that!"

"No" I reply, somewhat embarassed but sharing in the laugh (Having given up all hope of meeting the man, I had tied my long hair up like David Beckham style when he had long hair).

We chat randomly; The Lil General is suddenly beside me getting a piece of Prince Action. Bodyguard whispers something in Will’s ear. He goes something like “Farming....”. I deduce through the mild haze of Heineken and bubbly he’s still talking to me. I work in the ag industry. Conversation impossibly turns to rabbits. I shit you not. Rabbits. I say,

“We try and shoot them all in NZ, Sir”.

Yes that’s right. I said exactly that. William looks at me quizzically. I consider raising the issue of calicvirus. I don’t. Conversation moves on to when the Lil General ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

I realise I am in the presence of a genuine bloke who seems quite happy to meet me and the Lil General and co. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

It’s pretty cool. I say to Wills, “William, fantastic to meet you,” hold out my hand, he shakes it and I bail not wishing to overstay my welcome. The Lil General remains.

I’m buzzing. So is everyone.

Later we head to town. Courtney Place is closed off a cause de the Lion’s tourists. It’s a sea of red jerseys. People every where. End up at the Vespa lounge. It's cool. Head to Jet bar. It's not cool. Typical. Get home 3ish. Txt a million people that I met Wills. Sorry for that!

I think I left my dinner jacket in the GG’s ballroom. I’ll get it later.

Update: Shannon Paku still hasn't played for the All Blacks, Fat Freddies Drop went on to have a huge selling album and were the most popular band one summer and I never collected my jacket from Government House....

All Blacks by 20, with Rico G to score.


So like did Jimmy Jangles mention he is going to tonight's State Dinner for Prince William at Government House? He did in person already? Are you sure? He's usually very hush hush about these things.

Or not.

Where the Wild things Are (nt)


So like I was watching Lost last night - second to last episode of the first season -and I'm thinking to my self, "this is good and all but when is the fat guy gonna lose some weight?". He's like on an enforced atkins diet of bannanas and boar but getting no where....

Bring Back Party of Five I say. You know why.

Be a dear and please pass the sunblock?


So as my personal friend Sheryl Crow sings "A change will do you good" so here it is - jimmy jangles now comes in any colour you like as long as its black. Like the Bat mobile. Its new. Its the new black. A new look for the dirty chook. Not that I'm a chicken you understand, it just ryhmes. Like Buster.

Moving on.

Question why is the bat mobile still called the bat mobile? Surely it should be called the Bat tank? I'd post a picture but I'm too lazy and Warners may sue me for copy right breach. Again.

Wellington - its sunny after the shite weather last night. I think I froze my right royal rastafarian neigh neighs off in the walk between JJ Murhpy's and Charlie Chicken's last night. So now I'll go thaw them in the sun.

Be a dear and please pass the sunblock?

I'm Your Dog


I'm Your Dog 

You're the rule, I'm the exception
I'm the fool for your deception
I'm your slave. Let me misbehave

I'm your little dog.
So walk me

I'm your pawn. Lets watch some
I make you come, you make me dumb
I got high and left you to cry
You ask why, I just deny deny

I'm the infection, you're a misconception
You're the poison, I have no remedy
I'm the bass and backbeat
Starving for you, I gotta eat

You're monday, tues day and all the week
I'm a day off, just an IT geek


-

Something random for yas all, I have no idea what it means. As usual.

Untitled


I got nothing.

Mountain Warriors Pt II


Here's some pictures of our hike in Tongariro National Park New Zealandmount ngarahoe tongariro national park new zealand jimmy jangles

Urs truly, with Mt Ngarahoe in the back ground. You wouldn't believe it looking at the picture but it was really freaking cold then, a cold wind snap was just about to hit. To my right (kinda) is Red Crater, which is below.

tongariro national park new zealand

tongariro national park new zealand

This is the crew I was with - We'd come down the mountain and are just about to start the home stretch.

Update: Did this trip again a few years later in 2011

jimmy jangles tongariro national park new zealand

Mountain Warriors


Me, Bert and Fran Fine and a Manatee, six hours into our Tongariro Crossing trip.

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Moral Failure?


I rediscovered Martin Niemöller’s line about ‘moral failure in the face of the Holocaust’ whilst I was over at Fighting Talk

It reads :

'First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist, so I said nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats, but I was not a Social Democrat, so I did nothing. Then came the trade unionists, but I was not a trade unionist. And then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew, so I did little. Then when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me.'

I wonder what the K1W1 version of this could be?

'First they came for Ashraf, but I was not Ashraf, so I said nothing. Then they came for the Queens, but I was not a Queen, so I did nothing. Then came the Tamiheres, but I was not a Tamihere. And then they came for Carlos Spencer, but I am not Carlos, so I did little. Then when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me.'

I hope you get my point.

Stacked Actress


I wrote this on the bus ride home last night, you tell me what its about.

Stacked Actress

She’s an actress
Dealin’ in theatrics
I cant’ stand these circus tricks
And Dear God, I need a fix

She’s an actress
Stacked to the hilt
Causing me stress
I’d rather date Aker Bilk

Flashed in the pan
A tragic thespian play
I can’t stand,
That for these tickets I had to pay

The Hoff Strikes Back... drunkenly


It appears people LOVE the Hoff. This is the third Hoff picture I have received today!.

Maybe David Hasselhoff should run in an election?

david hasselhoff smirnhoff the hoff picture

The Hoff models his new brand of vodka, the Smirn Hoff.... with which you can drink anyone pretty.... speaking of which ... remember this? The Hoff must have been sampling too much of his own product...


So in a gastronomique experiment last night, I made butter chicken with pork and no chicken. And thus buttered pork was born. While I’m sure the Whore will be mortified, I can assure you it didn’t taste THAT bad.

Books. Fahrenheit 451



So this thing is doing the blogosphere rounds and being always up for a bit of time wasting here goes.

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?

One that leaves me really cold…- The bible? I think I’ll wait till the movie comes out before I actually pretend I comprehend the significance of this question.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Errmm Nancy Drew? Wonder Woman? Lets go with Catwoman, Michelle Pfeiffer version.

The last book you bought is:


I think it’s the Dan Brown books all in one go. Great summer reading at the beach house.

The last book you finished is?

Animal FarmAnimal Farm: Centennial Edition by George Orwell. You know it, piggie!

What are you currently reading?

Two at the same time – Burmese Days by Orwell again. I’m still not sure what its about other than a discussion of imperalisam (?) , racism and human nature. The other is Let the Good Times Roll by Bob Jones – an autobiography of how he provides security for rock stars. It’s a shite read but some of the stories are interesting.

Three Books you would take to a deserted Island?

Aside from the fact no one is ever prepared to go to a deserted island....

A really freakin long one. Maybe War and Peace? Its famous, but I bet no one under 70 has ever read it.

I’d have to throw in a trashy novel. Hell, I'm at the beach am I not? How about Polo by Jilly Cooper? A classic trashy novel indeed.

Perhaps the third could be an unpublished book by Brett Ellis of American Psycho fame. Some thing really really sick and twisted.

P.S. Congrats to the Black Caps for kicking some ass. Finally.

Doctor Doctor, what will cure me?


So like a terribly kind (and I must say dead sexy) Jimmy Jangles blog fan has sent me a picture of the Hoff....

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Keep It Together


So what's the deal with David Hasselhoff? He's become some kind of crazy icon. Every so often a deranged emailer sends me a picture of 'The Hoff' in some disturbing pose. Surfing. Posing at the Beach. Shirtless. Now he was cool as fuck in Night Rider. He had the beach babes in Baywatch. Not that we actually watched the bay much. Then he fell from grace and did an american bastard version of Dr Who.... NE way whats the deal with all of the attention? Shouldn't it be about the car? Chicks dig the car. Without Kit the talking car the Hoff is nothing? a mere has been like William Shatner?

A terrible joke to round off.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

5


5 wickets for Martin!!!! Thats one thing Tamihere can't deny! ;)

Here we go again?????


Update: New Zealand 119/5 (Vincent 15* McCullum 3*)


New Zealand 2nd innings R M B 4 6

CD Cumming lbw b Malinga 16 73 0 0
JAH Marshall lbw b Jayasuriya 39 122 6 0
HJH Marshall lbw b Malinga 6 17 0 0
PJ Wiseman lbw b Malinga 0 5 0 0
*SP Fleming retired hurt 6 9 1 0
NJ Astle not out 19 51 1 0
L Vincent not out 14 29 1 0

Extras (lb 6, w 1, nb 8) 15

Total (4 wickets, 49.4 overs) 115

Keep your teeth clean, DYKWIM?


More on Tamihere.

Apparently he gave this quote on le televizzion last night. I think it is absolute genius.

"I idolise Michael Cullen - I'd give the bloke my toothbrush if he asked for it"

I only grudgingly share my toothbrush with girl friends.....

-

Today I accidentally put on odd shoes. Both black so no one noticed....

100 100 99


So the Black Caps have finally fired in the test arena. After a slaughtering at the merciless blade of Gilly and co, NZ have put on nearly 500 runs against Sri Lankia in the Napier test.

Marshall (H) smashed a top class 160 and Astle (N) scored his tenth test century with a 116. Onya boys! McCullum (B)is on 80 and looks good to make a 100 as well. When was the last time NZ had 3 centurions in an innings? I’m not sure but I think it could have been Lou Vincent’s century on debut innings against Aussie a few years back.

So if this is a case of all things being equal (NZ batting line up) and you change one thing McGrath to Vass – it just shows u how dam good the Aussie bowlers are.

Bring on the Ashes tour of England….


Update: McCullum LBW in the nervous nineties for 99. D'oh! Thats two outs in the 90's for him. He must be hacked off. Franklin has got his first test 50 so well done.

Only in Thailand?


So I'm doing some research for a speech and I came across this foto. It appears its one of those 'classic' viral emails that get sent around....

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The perils of punting


By a mate Nige who blindly backs the Warratah's each season to win the Super 12 ....

THE PERILS OF PUNTING by Nige

One day while surfing the net
I thought I'd have a wee bet
An attempt to recover
my funds lost on other
Previous failed attempts

I picked out the Oz Waratahs
A side brimming with stars
They'd started ok
with wins home and away
By round five, their record unmarred

But then they met Canterbury's pack
With blokes like Maxwell and Jack
While low down and cheatin'
they had no problems beatin'
The Tah's, whose defence turned to crap

So gone again are my bucks
Wasted on those Waratahs schmucks
Once again I've been burned
you'd think I'd learn
That Australian rugby is not very good at the moment.

This is the frequency, Kenneth



This is what R.E.M.’s manager, Bertis, had to say about the New Plymouth Concert. Note the setlist, I think it was a pretty sweet deal we got! Taken from remhq.com

Tonight’s show, just completed, was one of the best of the tour. I don’t know why...something in the air--(the moist air due to the daylong rain that greeted our arrival and stayed with us pretty relentlessly through the show); great support sets from Bright Eyes and The Checks, a wonderful setlist including rarities of "Turn You Inside Out," "Disturbance at the Heron House," "Life and How to Live It," and "New Test Leper." Whatever it was, it was tremendous--amazing crowd, huge energy, and all at a place we had been told was a lot of fun but we had our doubts...it has about a 60-foot shallow pond between the stage and the front row (definitely the first time we watched swimmmers in wetsuits and boats ready to fish people out of the pit...with ducks too!), but despite all that, or maybe because of all that, it was a memorable and resonant show for everyone there, especially the bad kids who decided to make their own private (wet) front row when the rain really started to come down, and the band obliged with a rousing, longer-than-usual version of "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?", with Mike and Scott handling most of the vocal duties...the last time we visited New Zealand, Auckland was generally thought to be one of the very best concerts on that whole year-long tour; something about this place (and i am pretty sure it rained like crazy that night too back in Auckland).

Our arrival at the airport here today was also something pretty unique as the band received a high honor...a warm, spiritual, musical welcome by some of the native people from the area...quite moving for all of us, and it seems to have inspired the guys tonight or something did!

From here we go to Australia for the last part of this far-flung part of the world tour; first stop: Byron Bay above Brisbane, for the East Coast Blues and Roots Music Fesitval, where R.E.M. play a show with Sarah Mclachlan, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Gomez, Bright Eyes and other artists, then shows in some of the major cities before heading home for our spring break in a couple of weeks.

Take Your Vitamins,

Bertis

P.S. During the encore, as the band played a poignant and uncommonly timely "Nightswimming," the waders in the front row slow danced and swayed in waist-high water; now that was quite a scene.

Setlist:

I took your name
Bad day
Turn you inside out
Outsiders
Animal
New Test Leper
High Speed Train
Great Beyond
Disturbance at the Heron House
Orange Crush
I wanted to be wrong
Final Straw
Drive
Leaving New York
Have you ever seen the rain? (2 verses, sung by Mike Mills)
Imitation of Life
One I love
Walk Unafraid
Losing My Religion

Encore
What's the Frequency Kenneth
Everybody Hurts
Life and How to Live it
Nightswimming
I'm gonna DJ (at the end of the world) (at the time it was unrecorded but came out on Accelerate)
Man on the Moon


Note:
"Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" was before "Imitation of Life" and "Nightswimming" replaced "I’ve Been High" in the encore (heavy request action from The Checks and their families...).

REM Concert review from New Plymouth, NZ 28 March 2005


Finally I was at an REM concert! They opened with 'I took your name' from Monster and then cranked it! Stipe was manic contrasted with Buck's restrain. Mills was Mills. Brilliant.

Bad Day, Animal. I got my fill on Orange Crush. An aborted I'll take the Rain became CCR's Have you ever seen the rain? It seemed spontaneous but I bet they pull that trick whenver it rains.

I was amping. I was dancing. I was singing. Losing my Religion helped by heart soar to new heights. That song was up there with seeing Live do 'Lightning Crashes' and Oasis do 'Wonderwall'.

Walk Unafraid was a highlight for me too.

You knew you were at an REM concert when the arpeggio notes of Everybody Hurts chimed in. Utterly Amazing. Stipe sounded sang so close to that as he did on the album version. It was beautiful.

The oddest thing was at one stage I started thinking of Minority Report when Tom Cruise drinks the sour milk. Weird. But ne way, Moving on to Man on the Moon, and the WTK? and Nightswiming just rounded off a great concert experience.

The sound and venue were brilliant too.

An open letter to R.E.M.


Dear Stipey, Mike and Peter.

I figure seeing as I own all your albums plus a few singles and vids you owe me.

Please therefore play 'Country Feedback' this Saturday when u play the Bowl at New Plymouth.

In fact u only have to play that one song if u want.

Your number one fan etc.....

Jimmy Jangles

-

Update. They didn;t play it , but we did get new song Death is Pretty Final.

CHeck out my R.E.M. fan site, Remurmur

The Wanderer


Something Random, I was thinking Johnny Cash

The Weary Wanderer

There's a weary weight on my shoulder
'Tis making me grow older
This wagon I'm a dragin' has got no wheels
and the whiskey's lost me my zeal

Used to be brave
With nerves of steal
Tough now, the days are tough
and life's assortments are pretty rough

Just got time to feel
Now I just got to heal

-

The Wanderer was a song that U2 wrote for Johnny Cash from the Zooropa album.

The loneliness of the Loser Cruiser


adrianne-curry-as-wonder-woman

So like I catch the loser cruiser each morning down the winding hill to work. Everyday at the bus stop, littering the street, are the same usual suspects all dressed in their black bank suits, school uniforms, impossibly sharp heeled high heels and the usual accoutrements of umbrellas, hand bags and of course the ever present 10 trip bus tickets.

I see these people 5 days a week and I never say a word to them or even acknowledge their presence. They do like wise for me. I do give them imaginary names usually associated with an imaginary job. There’s Lawyer Dude, Bank Girl, Rich Dude that Must be a Good Lawyer, and Looks kinda like Wonderwoman. There’s Fat Bitch that always goes to the front of the cue, Got knocked up and I appear to be Single Girl, Ugly Guy with surprisingly Not So Ugly Girlfriend and of course my personal favourite Hey look! There’s my flatmate running for the bus cos he’s late dude.

I think the etiquette while waiting at the bus stop is basically keep your shit to yourself.

So then when I actually meet 'Looks like Wonderwoman' at a friend’s leaving party on Friday I was pleasantly surprised to find she’s a very nice person. Unexpectedly she chose to sit next to me on the bus today – greeted me with a nice smile. I wondered if that’s cos she remembers what I drunk dick I am or what. We had a nice chat about the our friend in common, the party etc ra ra.

So here’s the conundrum – Am I obliged to say hello to her every day from henceforth? Or any other Early Morning Usual Suspect? It’s like some kind of Seinfeld situation where now that you’ve said hello to a resident in your appartment block your obliged to continue the acquaintance… Would one be being rude if one ignored my new bus buddy? Hell what if they ignored me? Should I say hello next time?

Well the answer is simple and its has something to with the fact she’s called Looks kinda like Wonderwoman. :)

Tangi Tales Pt I


So like Hi! I got back from Tangimona yesterday. They don't know what the internet is there so here's a blog I wrote by hand.

-

So here I am, its 12.30 the Wednesday after New Year. I'm at a small place called Tangimoana. Its on the West Coast of the North Island. Palmerston North is about 25 mins drive in land. Its population is about 300 people, some sane, some clearly inbred. Plus a few stray dogs. And a lizard/slink thing which I failed to catch.

Tangi has a schol, dairy and camping ground ( hmm is that a good name for a gay bar?)

The house I'm in is a family beach house that's been in that family for about 60 years. The beach is actually 2km by car from the house or about 1km by way of the crow. We can see the waves form our front gate.

The house is in Kina Street which turns into Kuku st. (All the same road) Go Figure.

This is my favourite place in the world. But we're nearly out of Steinlager.

My Dad and I went fishing at the beach to catch a Kawhai or something. We each caught an eel. And two herring. Woo bloody hoo. The water was too muddy from recent rain.

While I think of it - has Scribe made ne public statement re the fracas went he let some one get beaten? See earlier blog entry for link if u care.

Ok I'm getting sick of typing this out - I still have two pages 2 go - so I'll just sign this one off and start off afresh.