The Curious Inhabitants of the Quay




So after the expose that was The Terrace, I turn now to the old shoreline, Lambton Quay of Wellington.

Various creatures inhabit this stretch. It's like some sort of golden mile but without the pokie machines or hookers...

The Metro Sheep

Following their hunger and the crowd, they seek stomach satisfaction at New World Metro. High Priced Goods and Limited Choice is what these Quay citizens crave. Spotted in the huge queues about 12 - 1pm with their over priced chicken rolls and overprices sushi pieces.

The Godbotherer

Specifically that guy in a cap with the cool accent handing out brochures confirming Jimmy Jangles is going to hell (and should be there already). Or on a broader level, those over-smiley people holding books of some kind that I really really should read.

The Collector

More annoying than the godbotherers because they actually want something worth more than my soul – my cash. Jimmy Jangles doesn't work for the Man to give it away to causes of dubious merit. I mean for a godbotherers's sake the other week there was a guy collecting to give people helicopter rides!

Often one must run the Lambton Quay Gauntlet of Cash Collectors United as they harass you for spare change or a yuppie meal ticket. A case could be made that it's easier to give one of them some shrapnel and get a pretty sticker/ribbon/flower off them so the other Collectors know not to hassle you further.

A less common sub species of the Collector is:

The "The sign you up for a good cause" Dude.

You know the guy well. He looks like a tree hugger that's run out of unique and individual trees to hug. His dreads smell worse that a dead dog and his t-shirt screams at you to 'go organic'. He wants you to join Green Peace or some other well intentioned but ignorant of the real world whale saving / tree hugging outfit.

Sign your life away for a good cause his forms say! Only 10 bucks a week will save the Earth! I know a lovely lass that deliberately talks to the Good Cause Dude just to rob him of the chance to ensnare the good people of the Quay. Her record is 47 minutes arguing about the merits of the WTO.

The 16 year old slapper

She's sixteen and not sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flabby tummy like its sexy, hoping you notice her inny is pierced, as is probably her tongue. Wears giant bug eyed sunglasses thinking she's Paris Hilton, though instead of carrying a dog in her handbag she has her ugly best Nicole friend for companionship.

The 16 year old belle

She's sixteen, sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flat tummy as its sexy and you notice her pierced inny. U hope her tongue is pierced. She wears her bug eyed glasses and you would choose her over Paris Hilton. Instead of carrying a dog in her handbag… you just wish….

The Kircaldie and Stains Shopper.

Only the best will do for this inhabitant of the Quay. Example only the best cheeses imported from a 1 man cheese making enterprise niche from Poland will do because lets face it Cheesedale Chedder is shit for parties. Shoes? Ties? Scarves? Wine tasting? They have it all because they must have it all. Seen queing eagerly at 6.15 am for world famous in the Wairarapa Kirks sales, these shoppers invented the term no holds barred. During a sales melee they can be counted on to find the perfect pink YSL whilst fending of crazed pregnant ladies, the purple rinsed gang ladies and wives 'sent' in to get half price Van Heusens.

So, where do you fit in? ;)

4 comments:

His Whoreness said...

excuse me but its cave-ripened cheese made in batches of 10 wheels by an 87yo guy with four teeth and quaint shack in the south of france, i have never queued for a kirks sale (queueing is for the poor and english thank you), nor am i an advocate for pink shirts of any saville row (the london kind) label

that said i am impressed you even know what a van heusen is

SPFW said...

you forgot the blind busker lady. she's really good and her labrador is friendly. Oh and you forgot the gang that piles into the square in front of Astoria clinging to the 1hour of sunlight wellington gets before the buildings on the terrace steal it. Wellington is an amazing place to observe, you just couldn't do that in H-town - you would have ended at the 16year old slapper!

JJ said...

Funny how the whore thinks I was refer to himself eh?

I was at Strathmore Community School's stage show on tuesday - the kids were great performers - any way the blind ladey played - her naem is carol and she is indeed really nice.

His Whoreness said...

difficult not to take it as referring to my lovely self when the description is headed with a link to my somewhat languishing literary effort