I still remember my first Transformer fondly. I vaguely recall our on2it Grandparents bought them back from America for us kids. I got Mirage, the F1 racing car. He had a missile that actually fired and everything. He was better than that rat shit Ratchet Dave got anyway….heh!
Mirage was my pride and joy until I left him on the bedroom floor and mum stomped on him with her red leather boots, apparently an accident. Its funny, you always remember the tiniest details when tragedy occurs - those red boots where clearly made for stomping on a child's dreams anyway. I was gutted the police didn't take my call about a murder in the family more seriously. A heroic gluing attempt by my father turned Mirage into a paraplegic and he was never the same again.
'More than meets the eye' was the tagline for what are undeniably the best toys for boys ever. In the early days I wondered who this strange Morvan robot was and why I had never seen him. And what was the Eye? I wondered if that Autobot face logo was actually him. It wasn't until I got my first Transformers ice block that I saw it written down and understood.
But the Transformers spark never died. NZ caught up to America and the lil mofos where everywhere. TV, towels, T shirts and ice blocks and comics and colouring in books galore. It was consumer whoredom heaven for kiddies.
Xmas duly came and boy o boy hasbro toy did Santa deliver big time. I became the proud owner of Optimus Prime, Fearless Leader of the Autobots and thus the best transformer ever. (We soon after got a new cat, and that's right, I named him Optimus Prime. This was swiftly shortened to Oppie. Sad but true.)
I was, for once, the coolest kid in the street. David got Megatron, the evil opposite of Optimus. The battle for Cybertron was never fought so well than in our bedrooms and the sandpit which Oppie often shat in. That is until Dangerous Dave took Megatron to school one day. The Meg returned like he'd just had a bout of rough sex with a bull dozer. Game over, man, game over.
Then there was the Movie. Optimus Prime died in the first 10 minutes. What the fuck! This is a kids movie! You don't kill the heroes! Oh wait I see now…kill the leaders, present two new ones and thus force parents everywhere to buy the latest must haves for their deserving little angels and whoa! We're millionaires twice over….again.
So I may or may not have bought a certain movie starring Orsen Welles voicing a certain character called Unicron today but my point is … fuck I dunno...