I got four words for ya:

Ham off the bone.

Hows that?

Oh yeah it was the start of the summer... and cricket, she was taking me over

So like I'm stoked how Jamie How has been selected for the Blank Cabbages. Its a slight shame Skippy Sinclair aint in but looks like he's shot his load with Braces. Cool 'Rocket Queen' by GNR just came on. My Ode to Maca clearly paid off I guess. I know Braces reads this blog, make no mistake about that.....

Braces, if are trying to do a Cairns to Astle, it just won't work. Stink, Zed just came on.

Poor old Lego Man, that old renegade fighter with 12 odd one day centuries and he gets dumped ahead of Hamish Marshall. That is just fucking bollocks if u ask me. I know u didnt ask, its just an expression aight? Did a certain coach forget a certain hundred against India recently? Did a certain coach forget the good support he gave the flukey bugger that is Lou Vincent in the second ODI against aussie? Forget the Sth African tour. NZ always does shit there. Always. Though funnily enuff Macca did good....

I bet Macca will go play some local cricket, score a hundred go nuts and get back in the team in no time.....

Levi, a good nut

I dunno if Levi has a head made of concrete but its sounds as if u he is one lucky bugger eh?.

Narnia. Meh.

So me place of employment kindly let me off early yesterday morning (shhh dont tell the taxpaers!) so I thought I'd go see Kong again.

I was in da queue 2by da ticket and I think Narnia. So I go and climb thru that mothballed closet and wake up in a land of snow. And that's about it. The Queen is crap not scary one bit (but kind of sexy, in a guilt wridden wake up next to her in the morning kind of way), the kids are annoying (but that Lucy is cute), the Aslan looks cool but has Liam Neeson as the voice. Kids will buy into this heroic tripe but adults with half a brian will be like wtf?

I know I just wrote brian instead of brain but well a Brian with half a brain will see this as a no brainer.

Admittedly, it some good battle scenes but one can't help but refer to Saving Private Ryan and LOTR as the standards these days. Fuck any time a 10 year old can suddenly weild a sword better than Zorro, u just got larf. In short Narnia sold me short.

I heart penguins

So the penguins. Why is everyone against the penguins? There are clearly some penguin haters out there. I'd link to the penguin haters but I don't want to spread the hate. As my friend Paul Hewson told me, 'don't be come a penguin hater in order to defeat a penguin'

All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade

So like me and my brother from another mother, Mr Q tuned up Messers Takamine and Mr Yamaha for a Swampsong jam last night.

 

Out came the Oasis classics – chirpy singalongs to Champagne Supernova, Morning Glory, Talk Tonight,  with extended riffing on Supersonic and Live Forever. We were channelling Our Kid and Noel like we were playing to 100,000 fans at Knebworth. It was Mega. All that was missing was Kanye West.

 

And then Mr Q's flatmate left 'for a walk' muttering something about tuneless Beatle rip off artists.... so I went home and drank whiskey with DWJR till 2.36 am.

Bread and Babes

So like Desperate Housewives are hot right? And what about the tv show? Oh the drama! Oh the suspense! He didn't know about the baby? Oh the humanity! Bree's hair gets out of place? The Horror! Quelle Horreur!

 

So like the Insider's Guide to Happiness. Money can't buy me love so why the hell do they think bread can? What do ladybirds taste like? What would Batman's liver taste like? Would it go with a nice Chianti and some fava beans?

Kayne West wears girl's blouses

So me, JB, The Manatee, Levi et al attended King Kong at the Embassy last night. I know everyone has bloged about this beast of a movie but now its my turn.

Summary: Set in 2345, Ann Darrow crashlands on Mars to find green aliens are living in harmony with peace loving mung beans. They fix her ship and give her some cake. The End.

Erm, not exactly like that but the point is that it is sent in this most unbelievable world where Weta are scary and dinosaurs are second in command to one phat gorrilla.

This movie is freakin scary, funny and exhilirating all at once. Jaybee broke three bones in my hand from crunchng it tight at various times. The highlight for me was the t rex (pl.) vs Kong. A never ending rumble in the jungle. Bonecrusher would be a suitable nickname for the hairy back. The cooks death by giant worm was pretty cool too - trademark jackson gore.

This movie makes Jurrasic Park look like a stale cake walk in which you win some mouldly bannacake. Interestingly, I didn't spy one bannana in the whole movie but I spied with my 20/20 eye some subtle references in there such as the box in the cargo hold saying 'Sumatran Rat Monkey' which I think refs Braindead.

The climatic assault on the atop the empire statebuilding was pretty thrilling. When Kong jumped and smashed a pesky plane I cheered. When they shot him in the back I jeered. All this while, the women folk checked that their tear ducts were still working.....beautiful.

An Ode to Craig McMillian

The Gladiator of the pitch
Keeps getting out to the Aussies across the ditch.
Unshaved, Unkempt
Maybe he has jock itch.

When he's in, its a six on the roof
But a champion player?
There's no the recent proof.

A sledger from 'narm
And a striker with charm
but he'll wack warne a six
then next ball buy the farm

Bring in Sinclair
Cos Macca's career has gone the shape of a pear
He's had his chance
but he muffed the last dance.
At least he was better than Robert Vance.

And another

Fuck Kayne West

Just one more thing.

Sad but true

So like whatever trevor its Friday.

I am going xmas shopping.
I am going to see Kong
I am going to have a beer.
I am going
Going once
Going twice
Gone

Hellno hellno

WTF? Kanye West is the opening act for U2? This is the equivalent of John Denver opening for Madonna. JJ is not happy. I don't care if KW's single went number 1 in NZ. All that kind of shite does.  In fact, I suspect the people who made him number 1 will not be in great numbers at the concert. You know what would have been cool as an opener? Franz Ferdinand. Or better still.... Oasis......

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion oooohhh waaa

And the nominees for worst dressed starlet attending a King Kong premiere are:

Naomi Watts

Chuck another prawn on the barbie, Mick?

Due to a mechanical failure in the printing unit, the ealier foto of a beered up aussie lad bravely beating upon a susposed 'Leb' was used. The Editorial Dept has just realised this mistake and has provided the photo that was orginally intended for display. The Publisher unreservedly apologises for any offence caused to gingas.

Got the Ju?

So last night I turned on the telly and there was lucky lil' Kylie Minogue dancing round in her hot pants on some stage somewhere. So I loudly played Neil Young's 'Ragged Glory' over the top of that.

 

I gotta say, it was a pretty good mash up.

No tabouli please, we're aussie

Here's some racist aussies rioting

Black Caps given their Man Cards Back.

So I was at Whenerai's massive game. I'd blog a witty blog with insightful comment but (he he jimmy said but - Ed) I'm pressed for time as I gotta go drink beer. So to summarise the collective viewpoint of 15,000 Black Caps fans:

 

"Brett Lee's a wanker"

 

Repeat as necessary to induce an 18 run 49^th  over.

 

 

 

 

Black Caps. More like Blank Cabbages.

I was gonna b'arch about the Blank Cabbages, I mean Black Caps, but decided this would be more fun. So as promised, JJ's concise guide to the game of cricket for the lad from Action.

Batting

One uses a bat to score runs by hitting the red ball. The more runs you have the the better your chance at winning. Runs are very common in India and Pakistan but hard to come by at Eden Park esp if you are Hamish Marshall.

To score runs with your bat it must be your turn at bat and you must be out. When you are out batting you are in. If you get out, you are back in. If you are crap at batting you are often left right out. Sometimes it can be a while out before you find yourself in and then suddenly find yourself out so back in. Claerly then, you generally score runs if ur in or out or eat the wrong curry.

Bowling

In cricket you bowl the ball at the batman in an effort to get him out because he's in. If you get him out you send him back in. Then another played comes out to be in wherein he's out.

The red ball you bowl at the batsman is often rubbed shiny on one side. In cricket, as in other recreational sports, it is good to have your red balls rubbed in this way. It's often a shared experience amongst affectionate teamates.


Fielding.

You can catch anything in cricket. Sharp ones, screamers, fliers, hooks, bat pads, lobs and even apples from the crowd if you're lucky. Some players have tits for hands and are no good at catching any thing. Those with butter fingers are similarly useless but make a mean batch of scones.

Until the end of the scalper

Don't believe in excess
Success is to give
Don't believe in riches
But you should see where I live
I...I believe in love
 

God Pt II, Rattle and Hum

-

So like after the U2 madness this am after failing to purchase my own concert tickets I hereby declare Levi to be worth his weight in Silver and Gold for scoring me a seated ticket amongst the market riots. word AND drow bro. Blow Your House down!

The freaking computers and phones were stuck in a moment they couldn't get out of via some kind of infinite guitar loop and it was bedlam beggars round the office as people did deals with those fortunate to get through to satisfy their musical desires.

The Trade Me auction website went mad. The venom and vitriol was disturbing as people paid out on those offering their tickets for sale. Freakin mean things were being said but I'm in the seller's camp. U wanna make a buck, go do it I say.

A common cry was 'what about the true fans' that missed out. Well definition of a true fan aside – true fans probably were the ones who got the tickets – there are fuck loads of U2 fans out there – look at how many U2 albums have been sold in NZ.

I was tempted to buy the ticket for 555,555,555,555,555 million dollars but bailed when I realised it was Kiwi cash they were after not Zimbabwean.

So clearly the promoter got the ticket price wrong. The fact that the tickets all sold out suggests a higher price could have been charged. As it is, another show is being put on to on to catch this extra demand (which is no surprise really…).

What if the promoter wanted to get the amount to charge the ticket right and thus get a huge pile of cash under his mattress? And do one show only? Would a system whereby the concert price be determined by online auction work? A kind of trademe for concerts if u will. Everyone could register their interest (and commit) to buying a ticket prior to sale and state the price they were happy to pay. Those who value U2 the most (yeah yeah, real fans who are poor arguments aside) would be guaranteed a ticket  if they offer more than another bid and et voila! - the promoter achieves some kind of demand versus supply nirvana equilibrium. Prices would be lowered down as demand lowers… to get some kind of Marginal Utility thing going on (MR = MC ?) ra ra ?…. Cos that's what is about for the promoter. Making the filthy lucre and forgetting the bollocks of the what about the true fans are bitchin about. Hell a true fan would have been organized in the first place to get tickets …..

An auction of this sort probably would not work (at least initially) for several reasons. Kiwis believe they are an egalitarian society (yeah right) and so would probably balk at tickets being sold at different prices. They may be reluctant to go out side the usual means of buying a ticket for a set price – promoters are perhaps locked into that means of sale.

If we wanted to be really fair about distribution of tickets to the true fans one could do thinks like have ballots or give a code which guarantees a right to buy a ticket if u buy the latest album or something…..

Seeing as U2 don't believe in riches they might also get to have a say. They could stipulate in the contract they surely signed  that ticket prices have to be at certain levels. Just like Pearl Jam tried once aobut a time......

NE way I'm going to U2.  Are you?

B'archin'boutbuses

So I b'arched about the windy city's bus drivers earlier this week and how they are 'poorly performed'. Well yesterday I was impressed to see one of 'em help carry the bags of a fairly old and slow moving man as he got off the bus i.e made sure he was safely off.  A nice gesture given with a smile. So it proves they aint all useless. Unless of course they have been given a rark up which I suspect they probably have....

 

So bus drivers and their image went up a lil notch with Jimmy Jangles last night until he read in today 's Dom Post  that a driver pulled the loser cruiser over so he could go for a Scottish national emblem behind a large rubbish bin or something. The call of nature is that you gotta go when you gotta go but when ur the bus driver of a bus with people tryin gto get to work that's just a lil unprofessional. Not to mention leaving the bus unattended?

We don't like cricket, oh no, we love it

So you know its summer when I blog about cricket (so its summer all year round? – Ed) and Dec 1 is officially summer apparently, ergo I must blog about cricket….

 

Brett Lee is leading the Australian bowling attack for Saturday's game against the Black Caps. Should we be insulted that, bar Lethal Lee, Aussie has sent us a pop gun attack that even NZ would be ashamed to field? Brett Lee is a Kiwi ass kicker. No doubt about that, ask Micheal Paps. I understand he breaks outs in salty sweats when the topic of a Brett Lee SAM hurtling in at 160 odd km an hour is raised in polite conversation.

 

The rest of the aussie popgun attack consists of Stuart Clark, Michael Lewis and Cameron White, all whom I have never heard of and therefore are probably as good as Murhpy Sua. Wait, I can't back that up. Aussie has more depth than the Pacific Ocean, so their no-namers could actually be half way decent.

 

There's also Brad Hodge who's a bit of a journey man really and Side Show Bob look-a-like contest winner, Andrew  Symonds. Granted he's a bit of a match turner.

 

Ne ways to paraphrase Richie Benaud, the aussie batting line up is just marrraaavelous (did the big eared guy on tv3 steal that line from King Dick? Who has copyright here?) and so regardless of the limp state of the bowling line up the ockers should be able to massacre us regardless. Gilchrist has had a lean few months and is sure to break out in sixes (but not sevens) at the chance to belittle Jamie Franklin and co.  Except for…

 

Bond, Shane Bond. Bond loves bowling at aussies – remember the world cup aye? 6 fer something was it?  Ponting is his bitch. If all turns to custard I hope at least Bond has Ponting Bunny Stew for a late supper on Saturday. And Wednesday and Saturday again.

 

Watch our for Son of Excalibur to go for a fucking million an over.