Bus Etiquette

So like Bus Etiquette
The Loser Cruiser, as The Whore so wondrously calls it, is a daily bain of my life. It gets me to work. It gets me home from work. That's it. I don't read me Dickens, Bronte or Playboy.

It is full of people. Rich and poor. Skinny and phat. Tall and squat. Skinny or a brick shit house. Dumb and smart. Dumb and dumber but usually full of dumb and dumberer people. Its also about individual space. That about that private zone we all have. That precious space. That space we defend when the close talker moves in with garlic breath. When these things all merge the interactions between people become quite delicate and so bus etiquette has developed.

The most common form of such is the giving up your seat routine for pregnant woman, old people and the sick and disabled. Or if you're particularly noble, mother with kid, pram etc. even though you've paid for your ticket and the right to sit, its almost that one is obliged to stand for these people. No real dramas really.

It's when everyone starts to cram in when the further behaviours tend to get a lil more interesting.

Let's start with filling the bus. Like a gas which disperse so each molecule is evenly spread out, so become the riders of the loser cruiser. We all take an individual seat. Its so we can defend our personal space. Its is perfectly natural - I don't want to sit next to that fat woman taking up my seat nor do you want to sit next to a Jimmy jangles that's had 12 beers do ya?

But it's the defence of this space that's interesting. You want the two seats to yourself. So you put your bag on the second to discourage potential seat buddies. You lounge over it. You stare at the prospective sitter like a rabid Cujo. You fart copiously. Or not. I guess its fair behaviour if there are multiple seats available. If the bus is full and you are doing this you are a prick. I hate you and wish you were dead. I should not have to ask you to remove you back or fat carcass so I can sit.

There's also the reverse. If you are sitting on a bus doubled up with Mr I Forgot to Wash Again and a single sweat becomes available – you take that seat and then defend, defend defend! You don't have to move and you wont be called a prick by JJ for not doing so but it's a handy way of saying, "wash you filthy pig! "

The Cue 2 the back of the bus. The bus can take a million people if we all cram in. If there are no seats one generally heads to the back door and grabs a pole. Jessica Alba is quite good at grabbing a pole. If needing advice on pole grabbing ask her. More people come on, the line gets longer – and naturally more crammed at the front because that person is still standing by the door, refusing to go all the way to the back. You sir, are a bus prick and I hate you. Get to the back! I'm late for work cos I played Xbox live till 3am – I need that last foot so I can get on the damn bus. If I don't, I write bad policy cos my boss yelled at me for being late and the world in turn hates me, see?

There's the getting off the bus. If you have note signalled this to your seat buddy by pulling the chain or pressing that magic red button a simple but firm "that's my one!" will ease the transition out the bus. Don't be one of those middle aged bitches that seem to insist you move all your shopping so they can get out 10 minutes before the bus actually stops. You are a bus bitch and I hate you. I want to smash your head in with my cauliflower so your ears look like Buck Shelford's. Get off and home to your ten cats.

And lastly there's the farewell to the driver. Most bus drivers are useless bastards of the dumb and dumberer variety. I judge them on their attitude to the ticket transaction. If you read this blog a lot you'll know I have issues with bus drivers. So the farewell. If out the front, a quick cheers is given if they meet my attitude test. Other wise I exit without a grunt.

Back door is another matter – I generally give a wave. This is so they know I am still getting off and should not close the door on my face. I am not one of these cheery blokes who give a farewell fit for the Queen. These people are surely psychopathic.

Talking on the fone. Afeter hearing your dreadfull ring tone ring for 7 minutes we already knwo you are on teh bus. There's no need to shout it into the fone for our benefit. You deaf git.

Well that's some quick observation of the top o me head – whaddya think I missed? I could go on about bags in the aisle, you banging your bag in my face as I sit while you pass but I'm done.


hot thames-girl said...

Although I am now a fully-fledged, car-owning, petrol-guzzling driver...I still remember the horrors of the Wgtn buses.

What I hated most was those stupid sideways seats at the front of the bus. Where do you look?? Can you feel the eyes of the entire rest of the bus on you as you sit on show in front of them? What about the crammers who are literally right in front of your face? And the stress of knowing that these seats are actually signposted to be vacated for those more worthy than you by virtue of age/disability/weight etc.!

I HATE those sideways seats!!!!!!!!

(Just to balance it out, I would like to mention how much I enjoyed the spontaneous guitar singalong reinditions of "No Woman No Cry" by the semi-hot Wellington College boys...)

His Whoreness said...

i'll be sure to pass on your semi-hot assessment to the rest of the wellington college brotherhood

as for the unwanted attention of every eye on the bus, well maybe we need to be less hot and more... well... frumpy

that said i'm not sure anyone here would like to see that

i'm reminded of a scene in sergio leone's once upon a time in the west where sam robards tells claudia cardinale to let the work gangs outside cop a look and a feel because they've earned it

His Whoreness said...

oh and dude, its "bane" not "bain"

unless of course you meant buses were the gangly geek of a near-sighted, sweater vest wearing, murderer of your family in the morning hours

SPFW said...

which would be more insulting? i think the Bain. the looser cruiseer is the David Bain of Jangles' life

JJ said...

You guys have bane pretty funny with yer comments eh?

His Whoreness said...

someone had to inject a little humour in your absence

spfw said...

and there's nothing funnier than a Cosby sweater on a geeky white guy