- Le biggg gran march on hike dans le crashing rain chez mount Victoria
- Le Pancake breakfast, Amerriycan! style. Sans le outen glutten!
- Le Plaza, say tray grande neeee pah?
- La purchasa da une chemise, noi. Tray shiek may wee!
- Apresshopski, jay le fatigue feet ski alors…
- Du Vin and le bifteck!
- Puis nu regardonsed les 'Reservoir Dogs' alors - 'a re you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?'
The Loser Cruiser, as The Whore so wondrously calls it, is a daily bain of my life. It gets me to work. It gets me home from work. That's it. I don't read me Dickens, Bronte or Playboy.
It is full of people. Rich and poor. Skinny and phat. Tall and squat. Skinny or a brick shit house. Dumb and smart. Dumb and dumber but usually full of dumb and dumberer people. Its also about individual space. That about that private zone we all have. That precious space. That space we defend when the close talker moves in with garlic breath. When these things all merge the interactions between people become quite delicate and so bus etiquette has developed.
The most common form of such is the giving up your seat routine for pregnant woman, old people and the sick and disabled. Or if you're particularly noble, mother with kid, pram etc. even though you've paid for your ticket and the right to sit, its almost that one is obliged to stand for these people. No real dramas really.
It's when everyone starts to cram in when the further behaviours tend to get a lil more interesting.
Let's start with filling the bus. Like a gas which disperse so each molecule is evenly spread out, so become the riders of the loser cruiser. We all take an individual seat. Its so we can defend our personal space. Its is perfectly natural - I don't want to sit next to that fat woman taking up my seat nor do you want to sit next to a Jimmy jangles that's had 12 beers do ya?
But it's the defence of this space that's interesting. You want the two seats to yourself. So you put your bag on the second to discourage potential seat buddies. You lounge over it. You stare at the prospective sitter like a rabid Cujo. You fart copiously. Or not. I guess its fair behaviour if there are multiple seats available. If the bus is full and you are doing this you are a prick. I hate you and wish you were dead. I should not have to ask you to remove you back or fat carcass so I can sit.
There's also the reverse. If you are sitting on a bus doubled up with Mr I Forgot to Wash Again and a single sweat becomes available – you take that seat and then defend, defend defend! You don't have to move and you wont be called a prick by JJ for not doing so but it's a handy way of saying, "wash you filthy pig! "
The Cue 2 the back of the bus. The bus can take a million people if we all cram in. If there are no seats one generally heads to the back door and grabs a pole. Jessica Alba is quite good at grabbing a pole. If needing advice on pole grabbing ask her. More people come on, the line gets longer – and naturally more crammed at the front because that person is still standing by the door, refusing to go all the way to the back. You sir, are a bus prick and I hate you. Get to the back! I'm late for work cos I played Xbox live till 3am – I need that last foot so I can get on the damn bus. If I don't, I write bad policy cos my boss yelled at me for being late and the world in turn hates me, see?
There's the getting off the bus. If you have note signalled this to your seat buddy by pulling the chain or pressing that magic red button a simple but firm "that's my one!" will ease the transition out the bus. Don't be one of those middle aged bitches that seem to insist you move all your shopping so they can get out 10 minutes before the bus actually stops. You are a bus bitch and I hate you. I want to smash your head in with my cauliflower so your ears look like Buck Shelford's. Get off and home to your ten cats.
And lastly there's the farewell to the driver. Most bus drivers are useless bastards of the dumb and dumberer variety. I judge them on their attitude to the ticket transaction. If you read this blog a lot you'll know I have issues with bus drivers. So the farewell. If out the front, a quick cheers is given if they meet my attitude test. Other wise I exit without a grunt.
Back door is another matter – I generally give a wave. This is so they know I am still getting off and should not close the door on my face. I am not one of these cheery blokes who give a farewell fit for the Queen. These people are surely psychopathic.
Talking on the fone. Afeter hearing your dreadfull ring tone ring for 7 minutes we already knwo you are on teh bus. There's no need to shout it into the fone for our benefit. You deaf git.
Well that's some quick observation of the top o me head – whaddya think I missed? I could go on about bags in the aisle, you banging your bag in my face as I sit while you pass but I'm done.
- Why are Xbox 360 wireless connectors so damn expensive?
- Will Pearl Jam's new album actually rock? Check out the lyrics to Pearl Jam's Lightning Bolt
- How can Jason Gillespie score more in a single innings than an entire Black Caps innings?
- Wishing Matty 'Skippy' Sinclair had of been picked instead of any one in the top order?
- Should I have the Korma or Rogan Josh for lunch?
- What's your Melbourne Cup pick?
- Been poked in the face lately?
- Or just poked?
- Will Chinese Democracy ever be delivered?
- What about the new GNR album?
- Two Words: Xbox Live – Bang, I'm dead
- King Kong on DVD – not as good as on big screen but dinosaur scenes rock!
- Puked up my breakfast in a Cuba Street rubbish bin. Twas the eggs….honest
- Kai For Coons.
- The Loaded Hog. Good for beer. That's it. Not the food anyway.
- Did I mention the two words: Xbox Live? – Bang, I'm dead. Again.
- Have da taxis put up da prices a cause de da petrol?
- Oriental Parade. Sea and seagulls. Shelly, she doesn't sell seagulls at the sea.
I'm off to the Stones…. Cheers Johnny!
Some of the dates may be a bit off – more recent concerts such as Electric Six were good but not old enough in the memory to go into classic concert status. Bring Forth the Rock!!
1995 (?) Supergroove – Roks Bar and Grill Hastings. My first ever 'proper' concert in a bar aged 17. - You got to know to understand – most of NZ did. These guys kicked ass – Tractor – how clever an EP title! Met Che after. He was cool till he went all 'To Be S'pacifc'. Went with two girls which was pretty good for the ego!
1996 Bailter Space - Orientation Gig – Massey Student Hall – Saw Shihad for the first time (about 7 or 8 times in total now!) but this is about Bailter Space – will never forget the line 'the spaceman has landed, he's not where he wanted to be' or something. Drunk Johnny Walker than night. Random to remember that.
1997 – Live. Queens Wharf. Lakinis Juice. Lightning Crashes. White, Discussion. These songs are bullets. Turned my head…..
1998 (?) Oasis - Queens Wharf – the critics said it was shit. How could that have been the case when you get to hear Noel do Setting Sun acoustically? Crowd went nuts during Live Forever. This is my band forever. They'll play Morning Glory turned to 11 at my funeral wake.
2000 First BDO – Chilli Peppers – Under the Bridge singalong. Nuff said. And then Joe Strummer!
2001 (?) Living End, Massey Again – As a visiting alumni this was one out of the box. Massive party at The Roosters place first, then we arrived en mass and took over the front row. Had to endure Liam Finn but got thru for a kick ass concert culminating in a live version of U2's Sunday Bloody Sunday. Cheney awesome guitarist. How you doing Uncle Harry? And 'Turtle' !?!!
2001 (?) Robbie Williams – Cake Tin - Ha! I went and it was great.
2002 (?) Shihad's 'secret' Valve gig – just before the last BDO before they changed their name. The Fools. 150 of us went mad. Band took a foto of us up front and put it on their site. Cool.
2003 (?) Audioslave – Queens Wharf – seriously probably the best concert I ever went too. Way up front with Super Si. Tom Morello is an amazing player and proved it. Highlight - 'I am the Highway'. Couldn't sleep till 4am after than. Could have been the pills….
2004 David Bowie – who cares if the Duke is an old bugger? Brilliant version of Under Pressure will stick with me – and the rain.
Probably missed a stonker some where - and here it is - White Stripes, town hall bout 2/3 years ago. That Jack White can play! Discard Robbie and thru in Jack and Meg doing 'Jolene'. Which I had never heard till then and was amused to find it was a Dolly parton song...
So you have I saw shoulder. You have been 'shouldered aside' and can't play super 14. Well Jimmy, me lad. I believe I am older than you. Therefore, like the rooster, I came first. Therefore if you want to use my name, James Ryan, you better bloody act like a James Ryan and stop pansying around!
When I fought in 'Nam did I moan when my head got blown off? No! I just dressed like one of the Charlie and shot some more of them! Did I moan when I inhaled Naplam? No! I puked it up and made a milkshake for my platoon commander. Then I went for a surf cos Charlie don't surf!
Rugby is war Jimmy. You gotta be tough (You also gotta be dumb for that according to Kenny Rogers). You aint dumb though Jimmy, even though you are a ginga. Does in run in your whanau? (Hey Dave, Hey Super Si!)... I'm getting sidetracked...
Nam! Did Forrest Gump complain when he was shot in the buttocks? No he filled in a tax return, ran back into the fire and filled out another Lieutenant Dan's! Why? War is taxing Jimmy.
Wishing you a speedy recovery fro the All Black season a head, even though ur a ginga
The other not so famous JR
'Walk the Breaker'
Johnny Utah a disillusioned country singer infiltrates the dead musician's brothers bank robbing surfing gang. He falls under the spell of Boodie Carter a mysterious surfing guru played by Reece Witherspoon.
Gary Busey plays his manager. Johnny gets addicted to riding the waves and lets Boodie crowd surf the super country western event in Australia to oblivion. The End
Or Walk the Line and Total Recall 'Total Line Dancing'
Johnny Quaid a disillusioned country singer doing GIS on Mars remembers he is a secret agent. Sharon Stone plays June Carter the romantic interest who is also a pyschotic planted actress.
Cue lots of snappy one liners in a thick austrian accent 'Dat explosion was Folsom Prison Ka-blue-ey!!'
Or Walk the line and Waynes World
'I can sing better than Johnny Cash....not.'
or Walk the line and Thriller
'Cos this is Country.....country night and no ones gonna save you from the singing about to strike'
Or Walk the Line and Ray. Jamie Fox would just slap Joacquin Phoenix in the face and then walk off the set. The end.