A guest post of robotic proportions by His Whoreness
Call me old school but the original
Optimus Prime 
stands out as the best there ever was.
Maybe it was the clunky character design (where the fuck did that trailer keep appearing from?). Maybe it was the transition between Autobot and Decepticon scene (da-na-na-nah nah! - I can't believe I remember that! *sobs*). Maybe it was the sonorous voice from the tinny speaker on the small shitty TVs we had back then. Maybe it was that he had the biggest gun and it sounded so much cooler than everyone else's.
Whatever it was, Optimus Prime commanded the respect of every kid in the room and you weren't worth knowing if you weren't sitting there cross-legged with your
Optimus Prime action figure
(because they are action figures, NOT toys). I myself had to suffer the indignity of sitting there with Megatron. I don't care how many scope, barrel and stock attachments he came with, a plastic luger pistol just doesn't compare to a blue and red big rig with trailer unit. I really don't know what my parents were thinking at the time.
Most people might be wondering what parents were doing giving their children toy guns, but you have to remember I grew up in an age of innocence. An age where artificial colourings and preservatives made everything taaaaaaaaste soooooooo gooooooooood. An age where kids could buy double happies with their dollar mixture from the dairy. An age where cycle helmets were for the Kimiora crowd (for those who didn't grow up in Wellington, Kimiora is a school for those children today's sensibilities might describe as challenged
or perhaps as differently-abled individuals). Good times. Good times.
But I digress.
Optimus Prime was a staple part of Saturday mornings. But then he was relegated to weekday afternoons. And then we entered the dark times.
First he's killed off. Then he's replaced by Hot Rod (two words people... no comparison). Then he comes back from the dead. Then it turns out he's gone mad. Then his friends kill him off. Then he goes CGI as a gorillabot. Then the gorillabot flies around on a hoverboard (What. The. Fuck.). Then the Japanese come out with blue and red Optimus on steroids carrying a gun that doesn't do diddly-squat and has a really lame firing sound. Now they're making a live action Transformers movie where Optimus has flames on his thighs (the film also has that annoying guy who hung around Keanu in Constantine before being killed off, but then that isn't entirely important right now).
Flames.
On.
His.
Thighs.
Oh how the mighty have
fallen. I'll probably still end up seeing the movie when it comes out. It just sucks that future generations of kids won't know the Optimus Prime we knew as kids. The cool Optimus Prime. the true Optimus Prime.
-
JJ says if any one ever had to fight for his life, it would be OP. After all JJ did name his cat in honour of the 'bot ...
And also for the record, Kimi Ora is a school that does a wonderful job with its students.