Off to GNR b'arches!!

The interwebby says “In any given day, a man will speak approximately 2000 words and a woman 7000.”

Well this explains EVERYTHING*.

*Even why some days just seem like a big fat man.

2Fings

1) The banner could change.
2) We are out of Steinlager.
3) It was only two things idjit.

The KKK took my baby away Pt II



Its been 3 weeks since my xbox died. [sigh]. I'm not sure I'm gonna get over it. I think I feel like one of those WoW addicts when they go to rehab. [sigh].

This is worse than the time the KKK took my baby away.[sigh].

Shrek the Turd

Shrek 3: Do not see this film.

I went with Jay Bee and Optimus Prime. Half way through Oppie said he would rather have Starscream talk to him about his issues with Megatron for an hour. Jay Bee then threw Optimus at the screen and at least that was worth the price of admission.

And there endeth your Leonard Malton lesson.

No power? You must be dead then!

So like 10,000 plus JAFAs* went without power yesterday and today after a sub station blew up. Can someone please direct me to the list of people that died as a direct result of this event?
-
Scotty had a pretty cool adventure here
-
My Xbox 360 has gone to the Microsoft fixit labs for repair after the Red Ring of Death % came up... Mezza feel like I did whenever the cat went to the Vet.

*Some of my best friends are JAFAs

% sounds dirty eh?

Where the wild things go

Where the wild things go

The coked Rocker

God is just a statistic in the census
God is in the TV
Like the Jedi
Other than the heroin, the only stairway to a heaven
is the fire down below
Where the wild things and other groupies go

The tired Priest

Never taken heroin in his life
But is beaten by a fat wife
He’s sure its just the same
Feeling nothing but numb over and over again

The ageless Madonna

Puts her hand up for Jesus
with albums full of pop dross
hangs her self on a christless cross
Takes what’s shiny and new
Then beds you adieu

The Boss

From across town
Songs of gravel and rust
Knows the devil and the dust
Sings about the Man
Bringing him down

The facts mam, just the facts

Good on for the All Blacks beating Canada...

After wandering up to Calzone for a hot chocolate on a freaking cold Wgtn morning I grabbed a Sunday Star Times.

It had the headline "Cocky Canada seek All Blacks rematch".

Which is interesting because the article did not mention the word rematch once nor did it offer any reference to cocky behaviour and actually extolled the value of minows nations playing teams like the ABs.

Dear Mr Headline Writer. I want the facts Mam, just the facts.

An apple a day keeps the GE freaks away...

I only noticed the other week that Helen Clark said:

"Exports are of vital importance to New Zealand’s prosperity. Working closely with business, our government is determined to lift New Zealand’s long-term export performance. That’s why 2007 has been designated as New Zealand’s Export Year, as we work to encourage more companies to lift their eyes beyond New Zealand’s horizon."

NZ Inc has enough challenges to convince other countries to buy our goods (and more recent ideas such as software as a service) we face tariffs for our meat, non tariff barriers for apples and it made jesus weep when we swapped a mountain of butter for the wheel barrows commonly known as Lada cars.

So I'm pleased Helen Cark recognised this had a go at people that expand food miles as an argument to reduce trade:

"We need to be able to confront credibly the challenge of campaigns like that around “food miles”, with its false and simplistic assumption that distance of itself implies unsustainability."

'Food miles' is a negative term that suggests the further food has to travel to market, the worse its impact on the environment. This argument was splapped in the face faster than a shot by Zsa Zsa Gabor to a cop's face by Lincoln University last year.

At the time of that minor kerfuffle Clark said:

"I've been concerned for some time that the next round of protectionism New Zealand will face will be in the form of environmental barriers, such as the notion of food miles".

Well the more we talk about it, the more the truth can get out there.

This PSA brought to you buy an imported beer or three, Ben Lumis, Ike Turner and Jo Cotton.

Deal or no deal



So it looks like NZ has finally found its own answer to Hollywood's 2nd favourite wild child, Lindsay Lohan. For a time it looked like Keisha Castle-Hughes was going to go all Tara Reid on us but in the end she only got knocked up.

According to stuff Millie Holmes, the daughter of veteran broadcaster Paul Holmes, has been arrested on drug charges. 'The 19-year-old is being held in Auckland Central Police Station and faces four charges, including possession and supply of methamphetamine, TV3 news reported tonight.'

It seems you can take the Dad out of the Haumoana but those bright city lights just blind their off spring...I partially blame her Mum forcing her to watch all those cartoons after school...

Silly Millie recently appeared on the new game show Deal or no Deal. In hindsight that's quite apt. I wonder what kind of deal Daddy will be trying to wangle her?

This should be the start of a fabulous career... a cat fight with Nicky Watson over some dumb drummer should seal that deal.

BBS!

Stuff notes that Hamish Marshall has decided to quit NZ cricket permanenetly and go cash in on the County ame in England.

"In a brave but not unrealistic decision, the fringe Black Caps batsman has turned his back on New Zealand to use his Irish passport to play as a local player on the lucrative English county circuit."

Which is fine cos he aint that great an ODI player but he did have some fine test matches.

All this means that there is now a place on the tio 20 contract list with the NZ Cricket bosses... leaving a space for.... Skippy! Bring Back Skipping! Matty Sinclair! Give him a freakin chance!

What is this, blog recommendation about NZ films week?

The guy that writes Horror Movie A Day turns his attention to recent release “Black Sheep”

The dude is bloody funny…

“This also means the DVD runs the risk of having 13 hours of bonus material devoted to how they crafted sheep hooves, all narrated by Richard Taylor, the droniest sleepy voiced man in human history. But that’s not the film’s fault.”

“There’s also a subplot about a guy who fucks the sheep. It’s tastefully done.”

Cos we know sheep taste good, don’t we?

Dirty Old Barrymore?

"The coroner said he had been found with drugs and alcohol in his system and with serious anal injuries, suggesting he had been the victim of a violent sexual assault."

"His father Terry always refused to accept the death was an accident and campaigned for the case to be re-examined. In December last year, detectives said they would reopen their probe, following a review."

Perhaps an unfortunate use of the word ‘probe’? Remember when Cartman got one? That was tv genius.

Will you be my mare nessie? Eagle Vs Shark

Will you be my mare nessie? Eagle Vs Shark

eagle vs shark jermaine clement

Taika Waititi, the sleepy kiwi director who done good is set to have his first full movie, Eagle Vs Shark released in America soonish. It's got one half of NZ’s fourth best folk comedy duo in it* so it should be at least a lil bit funnier than Shark in the Park was.

I say bring back Gloss but that would just be wishful wishing.

Anyways Taika has got this promo blog where he’s clearly tired from hob knobbing with all the Hollywood starlets who aren’t in jail finding good gods. Taika notes “Excuse me, I am from New Zealand, we don't have computers down there - only diseases." which is only partially true. He forgot the sheep.

*Flight of the Conchords, silly billy. Taika Cohen is fairly closely associated with the success of the Flight of the Conchords as he helped write and direct some of the first series.

Jimmy Jangles list of people he would rather hear sing the movie opening song than Randy Newman...

Is Randy Newman the worst fucking singer ever? He's ruined the intro to just about every singer movie ever. For me he totally runied Monster's Inc.

As the Whore is often heard to say, Yes is the answer I'm looking for people.

So here's Jimmy Jangles list of people he would rather hear sing the movie opening song than Randy Newman...

1. Orlando and his merry band of hobbits doing accapella after their nuts have been cut off with a butter knife.
2. Brent Todd singing Thank God I'm a Country Boy.
3. A blunt knife
4. Aaron Neville. He should cover Bird on a Wire, best movie song ever.
5. Kermit the Frog in a blender turned to 11.
6. Optimus Prime (B/G vocals by Starscream)
7. Puff, the magic Dragon
8. Keith Moon on a bender.
9. Ali Williams with a broken jaw
10. Jake the Muss singing about the lonely lonely blues.

Halo: Its beta that other stuff



Got my first Kill Fenzy and then Running Riot in a bloody spree of 17!!

Tee Weekend that was Pt 61-10

Friday:

Priates 3. Enjoyed it and all its hokieness. Johnny Depp is the sole reason to see this movie. Or maybe Davey Jones. As always, Orlando Bloom is pants. Pants I tell you. A pet rock frozen in carbonite could do his lines better.

Sat:

Cheese and Ham toasties.

Guitar Hero II party chez moi. I am the sweet child. Who knew Cheap Trick had a song other than Dream Police?

Sun:

Sleep in and then Netball: won 39 20 odd, with a player short.

Got milk?

So now that lecky companies will be obliged to consult with some lefty leaning bureaucrat before making a decision to disconnect power when in arrears what other areas that require 'social responsibility' need addressing?

Don’t have enough for that prescription for those nasty ‘roids because even though its probably already subsided? Get the pharmacist to call some social service brigadier to make sure you are sick and actually need the medicine! They'll give it to you. Two words: ass inspection. Is this what you people really want?

Don’t have enough to top up your prepay cellular cos you used your minutes calling your sick cat? Lets make Vodafone top you up for free! Cats have feelings you know!

Got no petrol to get to housie? Lets make Shell turn up to your front door with free gas!

You really really really need that short black piece of nothing in the shop window at Max but you also want the boots that go all the way up too? But its three days before payday and your three credit cards are like totally maxed out? Shoplift and leave them a note saying it was cold - they’ll understand as they don’t actually need money as corporate headquarters will cover it!

Your rates bill is too high but you still want the library to stock all the Harry Potters and for them to be available whenever you want? Rates demands now come free with the lastest muggletastic adventure!

Further, we should also pass the Mel Gibson defence into law. That being if you do something stupid or even entertaining under the influence of eighteen Gin, Lime and Lemonades or equivalent you can claim drunkenness and get off. It would work like this – you get caught DUI at 4am Sunday morning – your defence is Mel Gibson’s – I only did it cos I was drunk people! You must forgive me! I’m a celebrity get me out of here! Or you wake up next to Charlotte Dawson – you have a water tight defence there – you were wasted!

Beta this, better that

Fridge buzz
Free Bar
Television remotes
Fast boats

I might be right
Blame it on gravity
Keeping me in this place

Beta this, better that
The honey moon is over my head
Mine smells like honey
Too many ideas born dead

Chewing gum
Cleans my braces
My head is stuck
Too many bright but glum acid wash faces

Small sister
I know where you are
Mr GPS in my stolen car

Weekend that was: more Tangimoana




Weekend that was Pt Tangimoana




Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris



Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris: The Facts

There’s been a lot of internet chatter about the might of Chuck Norris and his supposed omnipotence. The Optimus Prime Experiment has recalled history, studied the Bible and reflected and consulted with Bumblebee. We can now provide you with the definitive facts on Chuck Norris and the reasons and history behind them

1. When Chuck Norris punches, he only uses his left arm, as using the right would cause a rift in time.

Backstory: When Optimus Prime first farted, he created the rift in time which Chuck may open if it so pleases Prime.

2. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

History: Optimus Prime originally planted the grass on both sides and mowed it before Chuck ever knew what chewing the cud even meant.

3. The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.

After a polite dinner party got out of hand, Optimus Prime once made Chuck Noriss eat the Guiness Book of records, disclaimer and all.

4. Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.

Optimus Prime hid Carmen Sandiego in the first place

5. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

This is still true.

6. The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Chuck Norris

Fact: Tanks are mere cybtertronic nits that fell from Optimus Prime's head.

7. Mathematicians have found that due to the excessive amount of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times

Optimus Prime got to third base with Chuck’s mum before even Chuck did.

8. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking

When baking Chucks 12th birthday cake, Optimus Prime willed those candles to burst into flame. Chuck cried with fear.

9. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Optimus Prime was the original superdope homeboy from the Oaktown

10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO

It was Optimus that lent Chuck is lucky monopoly card.

11. Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't

Back story: Optimus Prime decided chuck would live on the land.

12. Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with

Optimus Prime invented Chuck Norris because there were many, many bad films to be made.

13. On the eighth day, God said "Let there never be Chuck Norris." Later the eight day, God was in the hospital

It was Optimus Prime that encouraged God to explore his creative side.

14. Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your forehead

Optimus Prime’s own brand of sleeping pill is Chuck Norris and your forehead.

We'll there you have it, Chuck Norris aint so tough after all!

PH level is ...stupid

So like apparently Paris Hilton said this shortly before she entered jail,

"In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make.."

Nuff said I suppose.

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