"It's not every day that a circus dwarf with a Hoover
attached to his penis gets in the car with you," -
the manager of Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf.

H/T popbitch

Are you sick of the dirt adds yet? Just play the fucking game already

1071 Vs the crews of the ships in the Battle Star Gallactic fleet.

Who would win? Discuss.


Don't worry my ex next door west wing colleague. Our mains will come.

Shortland Street Serial Killer Round Up

So while I wait until Halo 3 comes out I kill that painful 7 - 730 pm spot with a lil bit of er.. Shortland Street.

And so who is the Killer?

Lets begin with who it is not.

Mark Weston: I have always hated his character. Such a pussy. It's not him cos he's left for Australia to hook up with Donna Heke cos she was pretty easy and is an easy Mark for him.

Marge: She's too old, couldn't beat down a Jay if she had a crowbar.

Carmen: Pushing up daisies.

Minnie: She's still pissed about that Rangi thing and is going all Carrie on them.

Who it could be?

Lionel: After disappearing in odd circumstances off a cliff he's come back to get revenge on anyone who ever went in the coffee shop.

Chris Warner: Left field but he hates Toni and therefore all woman except for that copper he's banging. He wants to bang Libby to but he's worried she'd break him in.

TK "Maoriora" Samuels: Jay Bee thinks he's hot so clearly he should die too.

Nick Harrison: Its always the accountant. Always follow the money!

Libby: That Clare was just gagging for a catfight. Meow! Hiss!

The Real Suspects:

Scotty: Scotty is darkish and mysterious. Like a Ninja. He has moves like one any way. That way he swooped in and scored Shanti was like he was David Beckham picking up a Spice girl was legendary. Or not.

Why he could be the killer - apparently hates tarts, never has an alibi, has the medical knowledge... but one would think he was already proficient in the could it be..

Kerian: Typical Whinging pom. Ow my head hurts. Oh I can't remember that I pimp out hookers. Oh I have a fiery temper. How the fuck he got himself a libby and a Clare I'll never know.

Why he could be the killer - Clare did his nut in, if he was practicing medical procedures he would presumably get better at it like the show has suggested. Never has an alibi... lies like he has parliamentary priviledge.. and he was in the bar after jay left...

The Ugly Orderly Guy: He's too ugly to be the serial killer. They never are on tv. You know its true.

Which leaves us Joey.

Joey crimanally sang that air new zealand tv add song about being there or someshit. He was in that movie The Locals. He previous had a bit part on Shortland Street. So clearly he has a record of henious crimes under his belt. He likes to be proactive and take risks at work. He's learning new procedures. Clare used him. His mummy hit him with wire coathangers. His daddy read him Cinderalla every night till he was 12. He meets the criteria of serial killers being good looking. What's his alibi eh? For the last one he was with Kerian... so its a Scream ending - two killers!!!

In Conclusion, the Shortland Steet Serial Killer is:

Most likely: Joey
Too obvious: Kerian
Roughie: Chris Warner
Wish it was: Libby

Update: It was Joey.

World Cup Predictions....

ICE TV legend Nathan Rarere blogs his world cup predictions. I have some others:

David Kirk will be slightly miffed there is a new member of the All Black Captains who won the RWC Club.

John Hart will blather on about how playing rugby is easier in socialist champagne sucking France than in Nelson Mandela Fired up Seth Africka

Those whingeing Poms will finally shut the fuck up. Hell, they never even played us in the last tournament.

Stephan Larkarm will announce his intention to stick around until next one. And probably make the team.

There will be numerous references to tidley winks.

Steinlager sales will go up. As will hangover rates.

Laurie Mains will mutter something about Suzy, his favourite waitress.

Samoa will have one big game when they “threaten” but don’t actually.

Wearing “Wellington Black” in support will seem like a cool in-joke.

Casual Friday will see some Knob wearing his two sizes too large AB jersey. And being admired for it.

Colin Meads will be asked about the AB's performance and he will stand there in his Swan Dry with his morning’s cornflakes stuck to it and say “they need more steak and bacon bits in their diet. Not like my day when we ate a whole sheep before training."

Gears of War Review

Ah the sweet bliss of blogging with a diet coke in one hand and a belly full of sausage rolls. And of course, your company dear reader.

So like Gears of War for Xbox 360. I decided to play it on casual mode cos I just want a hit around before Halo 3. It's fairly easy but has good game play. It’s a straight shooter pretty much. Graphics are amazingly detailed but the world is a burnt gray - A complete contrast to most games so its quite novel. The players themselves are pretty cool with good interaction in the cut scenes and nods to past agendas, glories, loves and failures.

Music is good at heightening the action. There’s a quiet lil motif played throughout when you’re slowly making your way round which gives a real sense of danger but not symbolising a future danger if you know wot I mean gov (is that threnody?)

Apparently there are 5 acts and I did the first in like 2 hours of game play so its short and sweet on easy mode. Some pretty foul original beasts to bring down – some of them remind me of LOTR but not really IYKWIMG.

Played one match making game. What an overated piece of poohaa. Mummy do something it smells! This average Halo player got his ass handed to him. The game just doesn’t feel right. It's not free and easy. The whole chainsaw thing, totally overated. I’ll play a few more verus games but I sense I’ll do the campaign, get a few achievements and then go nuts on Halo 3.

Snipershots rule!

Like a Bat out of Hell you should watch a hoor movie a day

Its oddly pleasing to be on someone's blog roll, just a few down from Mr Bat himself, Jim Steinman.

Bioshock Soundtrack for Free! Gratis! Hanging and Banging Jerry!

Get the Bioshock Soundtrack for Free! Gratis! Hanging and Banging Jerry!

For the rabid fans out there, voila! Here is the link to the soundtrack for the new Bioshock 360 game. Enjoy

Got Gears of War today ....

I am the Master Chief

Where are you? St Clares?

Did they just kill Chris?

Fuck they did.

And you thought I was a chardonnay man*

So I just drank Ngatarawa Stables dry. Amen.

*actually why would you? I ainta jaffa, nor a leechin bleachin socialist.

Hey There Delilah Chords for Guitar - Plain White Ts

Hey There Delilah Chords for Guitar - Plain White Ts

Song: Hey there Delilah
Artist: Plain White Ts



D, F#m, D, F#m


D F#m
Hey there Delilah, What’s it like in New York City?
D F#m
I’m a thousand miles away, But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Bm G A Bm
Yes you do, Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.
D F#m
Hey there Delilah, Don’t you worry about the distance,
D F#m
I’m right there if you get lonely, Give this song another listen,
Bm G A Bm
Close your eyes, Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.


D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.


D F#m
Hey there Delilah, I know times are getting hard,
D F#m
But just believe me girl some day, I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
Bm G A Bm
We'll have it good, We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.
D F#m
Hey there Delilah, I’ve got so much left to say,
D F#m
If every simple song I wrote to you, Would take your breath away,
Bm G A Bm
I’d write it all, Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.


D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,

A thousand miles seems pretty far, But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
D Bm
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us, And we'll just laugh along because,
D Bm
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you, That by the time that we get through,
Bm A
The world will never ever be the same, And you’re to blame.


D F#m
Hey there Delilah you be good, And don’t you miss me,
D F#m
Two more years and you’ll be done with school, And I'll be making history,
Bm G A Bm
Like I do, You’ll know it's all because of you,
G A Bm
We can do whatever we want to,
G A Bm A
Hey there Delilah here's to you, This one’s for you.

D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.
Bm D Bm D Bm D Bm D D

Dunno why the formatting of the chords is all screwed....listen to the song, you'll get when to make the changes.


Here's the video for Hey There Deliliah

"Hey There Delilah" is the third single released from the rock band Plain White T's 2005 albumAll That We Needed. The song is about a long-distance relationship. In June 2007, over two years after the song's initial release, it became the band's first mainstream hit in the United States, eventually reaching the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 in July. From July 3, 2007through July 28, the song was the number one most played song on the radio, and the number one downloaded song on the U.S. iTunes Music Store. After a few days, the version of the song found on Every Second Counts became the number one most downloaded, but was eventually replaced by "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus.
After the song jumped from number 16 to number 6 on the chart it continued to climb one position every week (6-5-4-3-2-1), making it the first chart-topping hit to have this pattern on the Hot 100 in 21 years. It also reached number two in the UK and number three in Australia.
The song ended 2007 as the year's 14th biggest-selling single in the UK.
Although "Hey There Delilah" is from the Plain White T's third album, All That We Needed, since the single's popularity new versions of the intervening fourth album, Every Second Counts, have "Hey There Delilah" added as a bonus track with a string section augmenting the original recording.[

Last Night's Roast

So like I was walking passed the bottle store about 11 am and 4 bros in a reasonable condition car turned up looking for some piss and were disappointed to find it shut.

They looked at me and the guy in the back pops his head out the window.

"Hey, you wanna buy a kilo?"

I looked straight at him

"Na mate, I just had breakfast"

He looked kinda disppointed and they drove off.


It starts with awe
You’ve been there, downed it all
Cuffed, chained and collared
Drunk, on your hands and knees
Begged, rolled over and crawled
For a dollar, caught the groupie blues

It continues with an open sore
For love (sic) that was spurned
Sucking bubbles on a bent straw
The moonies ask you to say hello to the baby jesus
Cos that’s the only way you can please us

It ends with a broken paw
You thought love was a many splendored thing
Oh, you pretty thing
Your rock god failed you
An empty concert hall
Like your name, the lyrics mean nothing

Is there nothing left now that you’ve got mono from Bono?




Mr. President, you're going to let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like this?

Not PC, lays it down like it is.

“Socialism is just Communism without the courage of its convictions.”

The end.

Roll with it

This is Optimus Prime. He's er..ah.. posing, the poser



Halo 3: Jump in


All your dreams are made...

From Popbitch:

"The worst gak I ever shared was from Dave from Blur and Liam Gallagher. Remember when Liam got let off that possession charge? There was so little coke in his coke. Liam wrote his dealer a thank-you letter. Haha. Bless."

...when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade

A day in the lifey

So it was like the end of week occasion and I had occasion to go out and drink copious amounts of jesus juice. I got loosed on da juice and threw up on a pair of shoes and then I bummed a ciggy off the now warmed up shoes and smoked it down like it was the bk chicken on da shoes. Did some carrie oke. god I luve u bonnie tyler you eclipse me. No eyedeer how home but there was giant panda not so extinct chewing the furniture and not the ferns. Next day went to gg up neddy races. Drank for ales got jiggy with it and entered panda into the race 7 with yours truthfully. We got second by a panda’s wet nose but dat was ok, my emo friend, cos I backed us 15 – 1 in the quinella with a dodgy fella. Panda and I celebrate and eats shoots and leaves with whisky and whiskey shots all round after round and round. Got fuckereyed up. Noeyedeer how home but do remember playing bonnie till 6am when goodafterble constanoon came to take panda away.

Lose Control...

Lose control with the lads from Infrared - Charlie, Ben and Carl this Thursday at the Adelaide. If any thing, the piss is cheap and the music loud ..and they don't start till after Shortland St is over so no excuses! See you there Bern!

Here's their gig guide for Sept...

9 Aug 2007 8:30 p The Adelaide Wellington
18 Aug 2007 8:30 p EP RELEASE HOUSE PARTY Wellington
5 Sep 2007 8:30 p The Valve - EP TOUR Wellington
7 Sep 2007 8:30 p Basement Bar - w/ KITSCH and guests!! - EP TOUR New Plymouth
8 Sep 2007 8:30 p The PR BAR - EP TOUR Auckland
14 Sep 2007 7:00 p Oldsubnine (ALL AGES) - EP TOUR Wellington
21 Sep 2007 8:30 p The Adelaide - EP RELEASE Wellington
27 Sep 2007 9:30 p The Valve Bar Wellington
28 Sep 2007 6:00 p Real Groovy Wellington - INSTORE EP SHOW Wellington
Hawke's Bay 8 - Wellington 6

Nuff Said.

E.T., I love you

So like Jay Bee and Jimmy Jangles finally watched E.T. again both like 20 something years after we first saw it.

First time round I had no idea we where going to the movies. La Mere took me and the Red Roster... I think Super Simon was Chez les Grand parents... anyway State theatre Napier...

The opening scene I truly recall scaring the beetle juice out of me. When they traded the base ball and later on the candy jeez that had me. But the ending!!

This time round I kept thinking M Knight Shayamalannishdude would have done it so better. Except he cannot do heart as good as Speilberg can on half a heart on a half hearted day. I had forgetten the link between ET and Eliot so when they started mimicking each other it all came back. It's like Brody and his kid in Jaws. Without the Jesus complex. I'm just sayin.

So it was hilhairyous when ET got drunk on one can. It reminded me of a very good friend and a certain rugby world cup finalchex miz when I was like 17..

So i interrupted this post by watching Rocky. What can say ? Yo Adrian? I aint kidding I'm tired. No fooling round. shesseh. You aint doin me no favours.

E.T. It has heart. Bruckhemlichmanoeverish dude and his stupid pirate depp aint got nuthin on the Italin Stallion. And Joey from Friends for that matter.






So like hands up who hates that add with that lil kid who is taking a dumb and he's all like 'its pooh and stinky' and calls his mum for help?! I just wanna flush that turd down the porcelian god.

Chill Winstarrrrrnnn