5 totally true, incontrovertable, real deal facts about Episode VII


The Car Wash scene has not yet been confirmed as being in Episode VII
There has been a lot of scuttlebutt, lies, name calling and rumors about what is going to be the name of Episode 7, it's plot and who is going to star in the film.

In a Far Away Galaxy has interviewed its keyboard and found out which rumours are true, which fiction is fact and what colours the light sabres will be.

1. The light sabres will be blue, green, purple, red or some other colour.

2. There will be bad acting. Lucas himself has confirmed this. While the director is famous for getting Oscar nominated performances out of  card board cutouts of several of his leads over the years, he's confirmed JJ Abrams is going to focus on bad acting as he's tired of producing quality drama.

3. Carrie Fisher has lost weight and had some panel beating done so Lawrence Kasdan, screen writer of Raiders of the Lost Arc, has added in a token gracious bikini shot of princess Leia getting out of a bath that's filled with blue milk. Apparently Luke Skywalker will hold up a strategically placed towel.

4. The above confirmed fact gives credence to the next rumour the film will feature the children of Leia and Luke. Which makes sense as astute film aficionados will recall Luke and Leica swapped tongue spit in The Empire Strikes back.

5. Episode 7 is going to be called Die Another Day. This was confirmed by Katherine Kennedy at a recent Disney stock call. She cited the James Bond movie of the same name was hugely successfully so they have just lifted it straight thus securing the financial success of the movie.

Bonus confirmation:

6. The Internet was only invented by Jimmy Stewart in 1961 so given Star Warrs is set in a galaxy a far far away, in a long ago time, there will be no internet in Die Another Day

So there you go folks, finally some truth about what's going to be in Stars Wars VII!

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