How to fit in as an Autobot in Human Society by Optimus Prime.

After noticing the Autobots were having some issues adapting to life on Earth, Optimus Prime has written a handy guide for his fellow Autobots to help them co-exist usefully with humans. 

Fitting in is a big problem for any new alien, culture shock is an all too common result of immigration. 

With Out Passport? 

Fresh off the boat? 

How about fresh off the Milky Way!? 

Then you need to read Prime's letter.


How to fit in as an Autobot in Human Society by Optimus Prime.


My fellow Autobots,


We are forever united to human kind by a history long forgotten, and a future we shall face together. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to all Autobots so that we can fit in and stop accidentally destroying the homes and cities of these good people. Or stepping on their dogs.


Here's my advice to you all:

• Learn to use language that is appropriate for the context and conversation. For instance, “What’s crackin’ bitches’ might work for the young ones like Sam and Michaela but it won’t work with the President’s Advisor.

A Pink Warrior Goddess, Megan Fox 

• Compliment the men on how smoking hot their warrior goddess princesses are. 
• Cowards like Starscream do survive but Autobots are fearless and stand up to their issues with courage. And pay their parking tickets.
• Try and keep your battles with Decepticons in big wide open areas like forests and deserts. Remember the bill we got for destroying the half the city when we fought Megatron for the All Sparkplug? Still paying it off.
• It was the same fool that once told me that humans don't deserve to live. I beg to differ and that they deserve to choose for themselves! Try not to interfere in human matters. Avoid their petty squabbles about global warming, free trade and globalisation. We know they will eventually have bigger fish to fry and we can keep our powder dry for the day they fall from outerspace. Space Braiiinnnns indeed.
• I saw a documentary on their favourite pet, the Mogwai. The lesson from this film was never ever feed their mogwai after midnight. If you do such a thing you cause terrible things to happen to families at Christmas time and you won’t be getting any presents.
• I’ve said this like a gabillion times but freedom is the right of all sentient beings. So never ever handcuff a human (without their permission of course).
• If you step on someone’s flowers, destroy their house or cyber heaven’s forbid, leak oil lubricant on their dog or mogwai, simply brush it off with a ‘Oops! Sorry, my bad’. This usually has the desired effect of reducing the tension.
• Chicks dig hot cars or hot rods, if you prefer. I suggest we all make sure our alternate modes are sleek and sexed up. Thus, I'm suggesting you make your rod hot for the ladies. They will be sure to want to check you out and so you’ll be sure to fit in. 
• If someone mentions that Voltron rules, feel free to begin smashing them up a bit. Fitting in don’t matter if they be insulting you!
• If you can, appear on the Oprah Winfrey or get a book published in her Book Club. Garner the sympathy angle. Express feelings of distraught about missing your home planet, engergon piklets cooked by your Mumma Prime etc. Remember, Dr Phil is for those losers like Barricade.
• If you’ve got the jokes, go on Letterman. Just don’t to a Joaquin Phoenix or THAT guy from Back to the Future. Feel free to mention the time I single handedly saved the universe.

My Autobot friends, I hope you will be apply to this guide's ideas to help you fit into human society. If they don’t, just show em your guns!


Sincerely,


Optimus Prime
Fearless Leader of the Autobots 
Ex. Defender of Cybertron

Chief Protector of Earth

JJ Reviews: Primordium by Greg Bear

You might have read how much I loved Greg Bear's Halo: Cryptum and that within a short while of reading the last page I had ordered the second in the saga, Primordium.

I'm gonna assume you've read Cryptum too as I review it. So do I need to say spoilars?

JJ Reviews: Primordium by Greg Bear

Opening with a very quick recap of the events of Crytum, it's immeadiately clear that this story is a retelling of an adventure that happened to one of the characters from that novel,  Chakas.

The twist is that he appears to not be himself any more. Is he a collection of thoughts on a disk drive? Has he turned into another being? All, I'm sure is to be revealed.

Chakas finds himself crash landed on a Halo and perhaps almost too quickly falls in love (of a kind) with a local 'inhabitant'.

From memory, the Halo games have never shown us as having intelligent life (other than plants and the odd bird) so this sets up an interesting premise.

But it's a premise that takes a little time to really get into gear. As a hero and his two new best friends seek out the abandoned city where Riser might be found, we basically learn nothing except that there are rabbits on the Halo.

But once we are passed that minor hurdle Greg Bear settles into the narrative, drop nice little hints and references along the way about the Librarian, geas and the unspoken plan to keep the reader interested.

Which is the point of a book right? (You can tell Jimmy Jangles doesn't have a career in book reviewing ahead of him - Ed.)

Finally (and I really do mean finally as it's a bit of a slog) there's a real sinister turn taken where we realise that the Precursor that was revealed to be alive on the last page of Cryptum is alive and well on Halo and seemingly in charge of the bloody thing.

Talk about a bad turn... At least Chakas has found Riser and they start a great journey, the end of which signals the climax of the plot arc.

Things come to a head. Our hero is confronted with saving the Halo so that it can be used against the Foreunners but does he want that?

The ending largely wraps up well, an adventure here, a near death (?) experince there, souls long dead revived through geas to give us context there, an old warrior servant wreaking havoc there and we're done.

The twist, if you could call it that, was obvious and I'd wondered if that was it a few chapters into the main story but fitted in nicely to traditional Halo lore, so I'll give big ups to Greg Bear for that.

Was I satisfied with Primordium? 

Not really. I found the journey to get the climax long and ponderous. Some of the detail in describing things was so vague as to not be helpful and the climax itself was a convoluted array of ghosts, monitors and walking corpses. That said, it was ultimately a good ending, perhaps just not as exciting as that of Cryptum.

I did feel however that Cryptum and Primordium were both written at same time as the same book, just split in two.

I would bet Greg Bear and his 'Halo team' had the trilogy's essential elements well plotted before the writing began (thus meaning a a huge epic novel could have been written - but where's the money in that?!).

Thus the scene is set for the third novel in the The Forerunners Saga.

Or is it? The third, as yet not named book, is going to only be released after Halo 4.... which you might recall Frankie having said the novels feed directly into that game. It will thus be interesting to see how Halo 4's plot will influence or echo that third novel.

Check out my review of Halo 6 or if you're into other science fiction reads, Mortal Engines. Or, see the movie and enjoy Tom Natsworthy's quotes.

Man eaten by shark frees himself with a knife!

This is an incredible picture of a man cutting his way out of a shark that had eaten him.

The story is that he’d actually caught the shark and while he was about to kill it with a knife, it actually managed to eat him! Apparently the dude was really little and only weighed 60 kg so was effectively ‘small fry’ for the shark. 

So having been swallowed with knife in hand he managed to get his arm out through the gills and started to cut himself free.

When I see pictures like this I wonder why the cameraman waste time taking damn pictures and not help the dude ?!

Anyways if you believed the above, you’re a bit slow. Here’s what really happened…

Here's a series of pics which show a dude that actually got eaten by a shark. Definitely NSFW.

Aussie cricket team 47 runs all out score board

Australia 47 runs all out scoreboard

Never forget this day on November 2011 when South Africa humbled the Australian Cricket team by knocking them over for 47 runs.

Was this Australia's worse day in cricket history? It's not - their lowest score is actually 36!

Look at the batting line up - that top 6 is a pretty strong looking batting side!

Not sure why I gloat so much, NZ's lowest test total is 26 runs. 

NZ Bacon and Egg Pie: A Man's Version of the Recipe

Plenty of bacon, plenty of eggs required.

When you hear the words 'Bacon and Egg Pie' what comes to your mind?

If you're like some mothers out there, you may think "ooohhh a pie. Let's put in some parsley, milk, carrots, onion, chives and some fucking peas".

If you're a MAN, you KNOW bacon and egg pie only has bacon and egg and no fucking peas!

Here's Jimmy Jangles' Bacon and Egg Pie Recipie, Man Style.

The first thing to acknowledge is that as a man, I know you're not going to read these instructions properly. Cos you're a man! I'm way ahead of you buddy, I'm not writing this recipe properly!

Also, wikipedia says New Zealand is famous for its bloody bacon and egg pies, so by making one, you are doing your bit for the country! (of course, if you are not a Kiwi, I humbly thank you for trying a NZ pie, Man Style!). This pie gets you easy Man Points added to your Man Points card.

What you need for a Man's Bacon and Egg Pie

• Flaky Pastry*
• Heaps of bacon. 
• 9 eggs or more. Maybe 10. 8 eggs are for pussies.
• A clean dish.
• Some more bacon.

How to make the pie

• Turn the oven on to any hot temperature. Set to bake. 
• Layer some flaky pastry over the dish, covering the sides.
• Cook the bacon - microwave is the man's easy way out here. Cut that shit up and throw into dish.
• Eggs. Crack 'em open over the bacon. Don't stir, whisk, add milk or any of that shit your girlfriend or wife does. Remember 8 eggs are for pussies, 9 is the minimum for men.
• Cover your pie with more pastry. There will be left over pastry. Make your initials out of it and put them on the top of your pie. Feed the rest to the dog.
• Poke some holes in the top with a fork so it breathes and doesn't get all sweaty like your fat ex did.

How to cook your pie

You turned on the oven right? That's apparently called preheating. Who knew? Put your Man's Version of a Bacon and Egg Pie in the oven. Let it cook for 25 minutes. Don't let it burn OK? That means don't go and play Halo for an hour and then come back and check on it! Bring your TV and Xbox 360 into the kitchen if necessary ok?

Your pie is ready when you say it's ready. Only then. Don't listen to anyone else.

Serve your pie with a cold home brew beer or two beers and maybe a bit of Wattie's Sauce**. Put the game on and don't share it with your girlfriend. Maybe give a bit to the dog.

* If in doubt over what pastry to get, ring your dear mother, it's win win as you get the advice you need and she gets a call and thinks you're ace for thinking of her in a time of need. Be wary though, this could cost you some Man Points if any one hears the call, but these are automatically redeemed back when you pie turns out awesome.

** Man Points off if you use any other brand.