The Optimus Prime Experiment

I am best friends forever with Optimus Prime. Sucks to be you, Starscream fan.

Either way, I want The Optimus Prime Experiment to be the number one site on the interweb - you can help by linking to it - if you do, I'll return the favour!

Tuesday, November 24

NZ Bacon and Egg Pie: A Man's Version of the Recipe

When you hear the words 'Bacon and Egg Pie' what comes to you mind? If you're a lady you may think "ooohhh a pie. Let's put in some parsley, milk carrots, onion and and some fucking peas".


If you're a Man, you KNOW bacon and egg pie only has bacon and egg and no fucking peas!


Here's Jimmy Jangles' Bacon and Egg Pie Recipie, Man Style.

The first thing to acknowledge is that as a man, I know you're not going to read these instructions properly. I'm way ahead of you buddy, I'm not writing them properly!

The second thing to acknowledge is why are you baking the pie? Women don't get bacon and egg pies, only men do so it's up to you lad. Also, Wikipedia says New Zealand is famous for it's bloody bacon and egg pies, so by making one, you are doing your bit for the country! That's easy Man Points added to your card.


What you need for a Man's Bacon and Egg Pie:

  • Flaky Pastry*
  • Heaps of bacon. 
  • 9 eggs. 8 eggs are for pussies.
  • A dish.

How to make the pie:

  • Turn the oven on to any hot temperature. Set to bake. 
  • Layer some flaky pastry over the dish, covering the sides.
  • Cook the bacon - microwave is the man's easy way out here. Cut that shit up and throw into dish.
  • Eggs. Crack em open over the bacon. Don't stir, whisk, add milk or any of that shit your girlfriend does. Remember 8 eggs are for pussies, 9 is for men.
  • Cover your pie with more pastry. There will be left over pastry. Make your initials out of it and put them on the top of your pie. Feed the rest to the dog.
  • Poke some holes in the top with a fork so it breathes and doesn't get all sweaty like your fat ex did. 

How to cook your pie:


You turned on the oven right? That's apparently called pre heating. Who knew? Put your Man's Version of a Bacon and Egg Pie in the oven. Let it cook for 25 minutes. Don't let it burn OK? That means don't play Halo: Reach for an hour and then come back and check on it!


Your pie is ready when you say it's ready.

Serve with a cold beer, maybe a bit of Wattie's Sauce**, put the game on and don't share it with your girlfriend. Maybe give a bit to the dog.

*If in doubt what pastry to get, ring your mum, it's win win, you get the advice you need and she gets a call and thinks you're ace for thinking off her in time of need. Be wary though, this could cost you some Man Points if any one hears, but these are automatically redeemed when you pie turns out awesome.

** Man Points off if you use any other brand.

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Friday, November 20

Jimmy Jangles got a new camera and all he did was..



...take a picture of his gumboots and a watering can:




14 megapixels baby!

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Saturday, November 14

The Man in the Blue Shirt Deserves a DB



Mark Preston saves a second half penalty shot from Bahrain to keep the All Whites 1-0 up. That was the final result! YIPPEDKAYAEEEEE mother fuckers - NZ rthru to the next Soccer World Cup in South Africa! Mark, feel free to come grab that DB anytime*. Fallon, you can have one too. Hell the other 9, come on over as well.

*Lloyal readers will of course know I mean a Steinlager but they don't have a cool catch phrase at the moment.




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Friday, November 13

Was Vettori Vomitting or was it his shoulder, Stuff?

Here’s an excerpt from stuff’s report on the Black Cap’s defeat in the first 20/20 match against Pakistan.
“Black Caps skipper Daniel Vettori did not play after feeling unwell and vomiting prior to the game.
Northern Districts wicketkeeper-batsman B J Watling was given his international debut.

Black Caps skipper Daniel Vettori did not play because of a shoulder problem. Northern Districts wicketkeeper-batsman B J Watling was given his international debut.”

So what was it?, Vettori did not play because he was ill or that he had a shoulder issue? C’mon Stuff, the 10 year old on the bus reading Jack Higgins novels could do your job.


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Monday, November 9

Have you ever seen an electron?



Have you ever seen an electron?




I ventured over to Seth Godin’s blog and noted he titled a post “Why celebrate Halloween?” which had the following question wrapped in a statement:

“Most of what we believe is not a result of direct experience (ever seen an electron?) but is rather part of our collection of truth because everyone (or at least the people we respect) around us seems to believe it as well.”

No, I have never seen an electron. How do I know that they exist? Because I believe what J.J. Thomson and the other fathers of science told me. A scientist said it, therefore it’s true! I accepted the authority figure telling me that something was true.

But what about the things other authoritative people try and tell me to believe?

I have not seen Jesus as explained to me by a priest, yet I don’t believe in him or his existence. Some people in society praise Allah, should I because they do? It’s called blind faith for a reason but I’d rather be blinded by science thank you very much.

What about the man and woman at 6pm on the Idiot Box telling me that George Bush is an evil person. Should I believe that when he won two American elections with a bible closely held to his breast?

Even science can be bumk. What about the Nobel Prize winner trying to convince us that large doses vitamin C cured cancer? He was a respectable authority figure that was just plain wrong.
Dear reader, I give you two more words - Tom Cruise.

If Micheal Moore hates capitalism and people watch his films and largely agree with him, should I believe that every American is a gun toting, sicko? Probably, I’ve watched Cops a few times, that’s a good a documentary as any.

If everyone believes in the same things like Reeboks, Amnesty International and floating exchange rates, who am I am to argue with them? I’m not the crowd. Though, isn’t the wisdom of crowds the right answer every time? Like that crowd in Seattle that fought that nascent battle, they showed wisdom then, right? Right.

Seth Godin’s point is that as an individual we allow ourselves to believe things because we are shaped by those around us. Whether it’s someone carrying on the tradition of Halloween, producing well researched film documentaries or a baby jesus freak preaching the word of the Bible, everyone can shape our views and thoughts.

Hell, Seth does it all the time. His readers must be pretty closed minded right?

My point is that while I prefer the “Trust No One” approach of the X-Files, you can meet the world half way. What is it you are trying to tell me world? Electrons cause electric shocks? Jesus saves? I’ll meet you half way.

The lies about Jesus are shocking.


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Brand Wars, robot style

Hakopa is right. Coke is better than Pepsi, as is BK over Mickey Dees.



The Eiffel Tower is however, way cooler than Big Ben, which is basically just a big giant fucking clock to wake the Queen.

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Sunday, November 8

Guest Post: Optimus Prime



My good buddy, The Fearless Leader of the Autobots, took the time to write a guest post for this site. It's a contemplation on his life, and how he's lived it. As you can see, he's put in a fair bit of effort.

Optimus Prime's Guest Post:


Fuck you, Megatron

End Guest Post

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Saturday, November 7

Weekend that was: Its sunny for once




This is gonna be one of those posts where I go every where. My bad. 



Today I seriously did find the best seo blog ever and it’s called Best Seo Blog. The writer, Michael Martinez, presents well written and articulate posts about strategies and tactics about using the blogger platform and getting your quality product found.  


I'm pleased to see Dosh Dosh has returned to teh internetz too with some advice about goals for your web use.


Last night I went out with the lads to celebrate one of our party having a baby soon. Started at the Southern Cross, went by way of a Beatles cover band and ended up playing pool in the Welsh bar. Boyaa!


Nice work Black Caps and Brendan M getting a 100 against Pakistan. Twas overdue and pleased he did it against a quality team.


Oh, to cash in, I made a Rihanna Lyrics for Rate R page. You may ignore it, freely. 


This morning I downloaded the Halo Waypoint for the Xbox 360. Its like a home for all things related Halo on the Xbox. Duh. I checked out the strategy guide for Firefight, twas pretty handy. Nearly as good as my ODST guide ;) I tried to play the welcome video but it took forever and a day to buffer but the guide worked sweet as. The true test of the Waypoint will be tm when the new Halo Anime 'The Babysitter' is aired for 24 hours.


I am wearing my blue Soundwave T-shirt. Optimus Prime was not impressed, we had a fight about my loyalties then he said something about rolling out to cool off. 


Now I think I'm gonna go to the Warehouse. 



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Wednesday, November 4

Fish are Friends, Not Food: The Smiling Great White Shark

Great White Sharks have a bad reputation with swimmers and other ocean dwellers. You can thank Mr Steven Speilberg's Jaws film, the 3 sequels and few bad rip offs for that. The kids film Finding Nemo finally showed that Great White's had been horribly misaligned as the oceans's bad boys. Bruce's line, "Fish are friends, not food" proved almost beyond doubt that these sharks were indeed friendly.  







Now an ocean photographer, Amos Nachoum, has shown the Jaws was wrong and Nemo was indeed right. Great White Sharks are friends! Check out this picture of a supposedly 14 foot Great White appearing to smile for the camera. Those razor sharp pearly whites seem especially friendly! 


The shark was snapped in this unusual pose near Guadalupe Island off Mexico's Pacific coast. Maybe he just wanted the diver to check for baby seal in his teeth?


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Sunday, November 1

Weekend that was: Part Cars and beer.

Weekend that was: Part Cars



If you believe the hype, this car won a F1 Championship

  • Cooked a roast, ate everything with good friends
  • Went to F1 Exhibition at Te Papa - the motor racing industry is proof that competition leads to better outcomes over time. 
  • Said hello to squiddy.
  • Drank at the Brewery, stumled on the Targa Rally - the motor industry is proof that some people have too much money.
  • Played Cranium 
  • Brunch at Joe's Garage. Excellent service, food and environ,
  • Small hike round Mount Victoria (What do you want from me, Victoria?)

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Friday, October 30

Cry "Google!" and let slip the dogmatix of search engines

Today I noted google has a new logo. While it’s not as classy as the Salma Heyak one, it certainly reminded me of good times in primary school reading about the tiny Gaul, Asterix, and his big fat friend, Obelix.






The Adventures of Asterix were a series of French comic strips written by René Goscinny and illustrated by Albert Uderzo. As a kid in primary school, these books were the most sought after in the library - Tintin was the rival.

Uderzo took over the job of writing the series after the death of Goscinny in 1977. The Adventures of Asterix series first appeared in French in the magazine Pilote on 29 October 1959 so given it's the same date but 2009 it looks by changing their search engine logo, Google is celebrating 50 years since Asterix and Obelix first battled the Roman Empire!

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Monday, October 26

Best Google Logo Ever and the Bearded Salma Heyak




I think the picture of Salma Hayek as the new Google logo speaks for itself?


This logo could be part of the Salma Hayek effect i.e. turns the geeks inside out with lust. Not, that there's anything wrong with that but Ms Heyek taking a lot of hormones of some kind she has suffered what many russian athletes suffered and has become a little bit manly:



It's clear from this uncontrovertilble evidence that Selma is gunning for a sponsorship deal from Gilliette or something. She has a beard! Selma has a beard! I think Selma from the Simpsons is looking rather better than this circus freak!

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U2 Shakes up the Internet



So like this evening I watched the U2's Los Angeles Rose Bowl show that was broad cast live around the world through youtube (U2tube..) The show itself was pretty cool with lots of new songs and a fair mix of the hits (old and new) with a mighty Until the End of the World being a highlight for me. Unknown Caller was pretty darn good too.

The technical side of things must have been a production in itself. The stream I had was perfect with good sound quality and minimal buffering required. There were 100,000 LA fans present - how many million were tuned in via youtube I dunno but google/youtube's servers must have served terrabytes and terrabytes of data!

The U2 show was a first in many ways - there have been plenty of live broadcasts before but this one is on a massive scale using some of the leading technology.

This means it was probably a branding exercise for Youtube. How many fans who have never used Youtube suddenly found out all about the website after coming to watch the concert? (I realise youtube is huge but I'm sure some people have never heard of it?)

It also works for U2 as well - one could by the new album via a link on the channel which took the follower to U2's Itunes sales medium.

So has this concert changed the content model? Will people be more content to sit at home and watch Bono preach at them on their 40 inch tv? Probably not, but more people might be inclined to tune in and follow their fave artists tour. Time will tell - look for what happens when the Rolling Stones tour next!

Major world events etc can also be used in this medium. Streamed Olympic Games anyone? Meetings of world leaders? When the aliens finally land? and the obvious - movie and television shows.

TV execs and the like must be quietly crapping their pants as they watched - here was premium content being delivered for free with bugger all adverting. Facebook had a little look in....there were no adds during the broadcast at all. HBO suddely becomes a little redundant when the next Sopranos is shown via the internet only eh?

Sunday, October 18

The Ultimate ODST Firefight Survival Guide

halo odst trailer still of a brute


The Ultimate ODST Firefight Survival Guide
Halo 3 ODST’s new Firefight mode can be a bit of a handful. Hunters and Angry Hammer Carrying Brutes make for the ultimate smack down in which you can pit your Halo skills against the Covenants reign of pain.
In the quest for points and achievements, there’s a few things you can do to get the edge over the Grunts with the Cannons and those damn swarming drone buggers The Master Chief is not around to bail you out, it's up to you soldier! Check out the ultimate strategy guide for surviving ODST’s Firefight:
Who’s on my side?
Try and play as a group. 3 is not a crowd. Three is a mini army. If there are 4 of you, consider pairing up for map coverage and to try and disperse the enemy. The opportunities that 4 players have over one are quite numerous. They’re called assists for a reason. Tag team the Brutes. One player does the head shot after another has done the plasma shot burst etc. Watch for friendly fire. Don’t go throwing grenades willy nilly.
Comm Chatter
There’s no point running round like a grunt who’s lost his Elite. Talk on your mikes with your team mates, let them know what you’re up to and what the plan is. At the very least you can warn someone there’s a Jackal sneaking up on them.
You do not have a Camping Permit, so move along
Like Halo multilayer, if you camp for too long in one spot you will get found out. Unless you have eyes in the back of your recon helmet, moving around will help you keep up with your situational awareness e.g. while on the move, there’s more chance of you finding a team mate in need of some back up.
odst halo
Keep away from the Phantom drop ships
At the beginning of each wave, a Phantom drop ship delivers some fresh meat in the from of Covenant troops. Don’t be a hero, Timmy – The Phantom's turrets will blast you back to Reach. Of course, you could just jump in with the rockets as the Covenant forces jump out… it’s a risky business though.
Lethal Weapon Management
Don’t rush and grab the rockets or Spartan laser and waste 8 grunts with it. Save the heavy fire for when the Angry Brute with the Hammers turn up. Be ready for the drones buggers as well. They need a handy weapon like a plasma rifle or the Suppressed SMG to take ‘em out. Brutes are an easy take down with a fully charged plasma burst, followed by a headshot with the M6 pistol. Do that action 10 times in Firefight at you can get the ‘My Clothes!’ Achievement.
Know your Map’s choke points
Always know where the critical parts of the map are. Learn where you can stand your ground with relative safety. Know the choke point where Covenant tend to gather. Know where you can duck for cover to allow your ODST soldier a chance to recover. Also be aware where the health packs, ammo, weapons, vehicles, and covenant drop off points are. This knowledge will help you to make fast decisions on the fly. You will learn this stuff as you play Firefight so don’t be overly concerned about it all but when you have the wrong weapon and you can hear the Drone Bugger’s whispers getting louder… you better know where the SMG is located!
Fuel Rod Carrying Covenant and the Beastly Brute Chieftains suck
Grunts or Brutes armed with Fuel Rod Guns can pawn you in one shot. If you can, eliminate them as soon as possible in the battle. In the heat of the Firefight you can sometimes can overlook that it’s a Grunt carrying the cannon. Listen for the sounds, you might here them before you see them, other wise you’re bantha, cannon fodder.
Jump! Jump!
When being chased by a hammer menacing Brute and you know he’s about to go all MC Hammer on your ass, jump in the air. This will help create some distance between you and the damage splash radius of the Hammer, lessening the potential health damage and giving you a chance to turn and get off a sticky grenade or rocket. This trick can help when Fuel Rods are being fired at you too!
Lethal Weapon Management Two: Brutes and Plasma Shots
As you advance through the sets in Firefight, more skulls are turned on, and the pistol and SMG begin to have minimal effect on a charging Brute. At this stage in the game, try to carry an anti-brute weapon. The most handy weapon is a plasma pistol. It’s the MacGyver knife of the Halo Universe as you can combine it with just about any single shot weapon for a follow up head shot. Needlers are also very effective against Brute, though again on the harder sets, your enemies can be quite good at dodging the needles - still you are keeping yourself at a safe distance and thus surviving!

odst halo 3 soliders
You are not Mohammed Ali
Your melee punch does not sting the Covenant like a bee. Only use melee when it tight spots and you have no choice. Pulling off a boncruncher to the back of a Brute’s skull is nearly impossible so try not to deliberately set yourself up for it. If you must, a safer strategy is to soften them up with artillery fire first. In the next trick though, it’s a vital strategy!
Use weak enemies to get health when “Black Eye” skull is active
When the “Black Eye” skull is turned on, you and your fellow fire-fighters do not regain health when hit by enemies. You must melee punch an enemy bring your health back up. When the opportunity presents itself, let a Covenant enemy such as a Jackal run up to you so that you and your team can take advantage of the situation. The Black Eye skull period is also a good time to use The Hammer as that can be used in place of your fist of rage...
Take this Grenade and eat it!
Good use of grenades will help you rack up the combos. Throw one into a crowd of Grunts and give them a hail of gun fire. In close quarters with a Brute who’s committed to throwing a spike grenade at you, return the favour with a sticky of your own. Often a simple jump closer to the Brute will allow you to dodge their missile and increase the chance of you.
chopper vs brute lost platoon odst map
In for some Chop
Choppers are an obvious tool in the sandbox that can be used in Lost Platoon. You can run riot and be nearly invincible with the thing. One crazy dude played a game for 21 hours using it - hence people getting grumpy about chopper abuse. I say, "whatever". Sometimes you can die though and if you are playing single Lost Platoon, your ODST soldier is in for some chop himself running round without protection. A trick I figured out is to park a spare Chopper in your respawn room. You often see 'spare' choppers lying around so feel free to grab one, hide and then get pack to your original or take down another Brute riding a chopper with the plasma pistol and the Prophet of Truth is your uncle - when you die, you spawn right next to a chopper. Pretty handy if you're in the middle of a Hunter raid!
Finally, here’s a good survival tip from Lars Barken, one of the legends of Bungie and ODST’s Senior Designer.

Your Firefight is down to ‘no lives remaining’ and you’re the last ODST left. How do you stay alive long enough to bring the Squad back?
“The best way to stay alive in that dire situation is to fall back to a safe position on the map, usually the area you spawn in. From there, try to systematically take out the Covenant as they come to your position. You'll get overrun, but you're much better off trying to tackle them in smaller numbers. Make them come to you.”

I think that’s a great point and I’ve found this survival strategy works quite well in the close quarters of the Alpha Site map.
So, there’s a few things to think about in this ‘Ultimate ODST Firefight Survival Guide’. Employing some of the tricks and strategies will lengthen your game time, leading to more points, more achievements and more fun.
What tricks to you have to make Firefight more fun? Leave some ideas in the comments section!
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About this strategy guide: I’m not a leet player by any means, and play to have fun and love the adventures the Halo universe offers. The guide was inspired by other people on who know a thing or two. I’ve written ideas I’ve found into more of a friendly style and added my own spin and thoughts too. Any problems, see The Superintendent!


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