Best friends with Optimus Prime. Sucks to be you, Starscream fan....

You should feel sorry for anyone who says they've worn the 'Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet' as used by Sirocco the Parrot.


So like this must be the oddest thing Wellington's Te Papa Museum has on display: 

The Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet.


the kakapo ejaculation helmet



So the Kakapo is an endangered NZ parrot. There are like only about 100 of the cute birds about.

These green parrots obviously need to breed to survive but they aint got the message about their forth coming extinction. So concerned Kiwis have set up a breeding programme to help them out.

These people discovered that male kakapo have a tendency to engage people's heads in a sexual mating fashion. It must be some kind of fetish. They don't want do do it with their own kind, but if they see a flap of human hair, they get all frisky.

In an effort to collect Kakapo sperm for the breeding programme, some wiseguy invented 'The Ejaculation Helmet'. I kid you not, that's what it is called.

The Ejaculation Helmet is supposed to be worn by some poor sap at which time they then let the Kakapo have his wicked way on their head.


stephen fry parrot head fucking


A parrot called Sirocco infamously mated with a Zooligist's head in front of comic legend Stephen Fry which demonstrated why the idea of the helmet kinda makes sense.

Fry said at the time of the shag: "Sorry, but this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. You are being shagged by a rare parrot."
NZ Kakapo mating on a man's head

The above picture is is from the Te Papa Museum. The accompanying caption said that the helmet was not successful.

So some guy once got fucked on the head by a parrot called Sirocco for nothing.

Kakapo Parrot

Te Papa Museum is also home to this awesome Colossal Squid

NZ Bacon and Egg Pie: A Man's Version of the Recipe


making a bacon and egg pie
Plenty of bacon, plenty of eggs required.

When you hear the words 'Bacon and Egg Pie' what comes to your mind?


If you're like some mothers out there, you may think "ooohhh a pie. Let's put in some parsley, milk, carrots, onion, chives and some fucking peas".

If you're a MAN, you KNOW bacon and egg pie only has bacon and egg and no fucking peas!


Here's Jimmy Jangles' Bacon and Egg Pie Recipie, Man Style.


The first thing to acknowledge is that as a man, I know you're not going to read these instructions properly. Cos you're a man! I'm way ahead of you buddy, I'm not writing this recipe properly!

Also, wikipedia says New Zealand is famous for its bloody bacon and egg pies, so by making one, you are doing your bit for the country! (of course, if you are not a Kiwi, I humbly thank you for trying a NZ pie, Man Style!). 

This pie also gets you easy Man Points added to your Man Points card.


What you need for a Man's Bacon and Egg Pie

  • Flaky Pastry*
  • Heaps of bacon. 
  • 9 eggs or more. Maybe 10. 8 eggs are for pussies.
  • A clean dish.
  • Some more bacon.

How to make the pie

  • Turn the oven on to any hot temperature. Set to bake. 
  • Layer some flaky pastry over the dish, covering the sides.
  • Cook the bacon - microwave is the man's easy way out here. Cut that shit up and throw into dish.
  • Eggs. Crack 'em open over the bacon. Don't stir, whisk, add milk or any of that shit your girlfriend or wife does. Remember 8 eggs are for pussies, 9 is the minimum for men.
  • Cover your pie with more pastry. There will be left over pastry. Make your initials out of it and put them on the top of your pie. Feed the rest to the dog.
  • Poke some holes in the top with a fork so it breathes and doesn't get all sweaty like your fat ex did.

How to cook your pie


You turned on the oven right? That's apparently called preheating. Who knew? Put your Man's Version of a Bacon and Egg Pie in the oven. Let it cook for 25 minutes. Don't let it burn OK? That means don't go and play Halo for an hour and then come back and check on it! Bring your TV and Xbox into the kitchen if necessary ok?


Your pie is ready when you say it's ready. Only then. Don't listen to anyone else.


Serve your pie with a cold home brew beer or two beers and maybe a bit of Wattie's Sauce**. Put the game on, or some Star Wars and don't share it with your girlfriend. Maybe give a bit to the dog.

* If in doubt over what pastry to get, ring your dear mother, it's win win as you get the advice you need and she gets a call and thinks you're ace for thinking of her in a time of need. 

Be wary though, this could cost you some Man Points if anyone hears the call, but these are automatically redeemed back when your pie turns out awesome.

** Man Points off if you use any other brand.

10 strange facts & oddities about Star Wars



Star Wars has become a huge colossus of a film franchise and over 6 movies that some strange things have cropped up as part of each film's production. 


So here's 10 strange facts & oddities about Star Wars

  1. The wise wizard Gandalf from Lord of the Rings was a huge influence on the character of Obi Wan Kenobi - so much so that an early draft of the Star Wars script featured lines cribbed directly from the pages of Tolkien!
  2. Peter Cushing filmed all his scenes as Grand Moff Tarkin wearing slippers!
  3. Denis Lawson who famously played X-Wing pilot Wedge is the real life uncle of Ewan McGregor who played Obi Wan Kenobi in the prequel films!
  4. The plot twist reveal of the father and son relationship between Vader and Luke in The Empire Strikes Back is often misquoted as "Luke, I am your father". The line is actually "No, I am your father". No one knows why people do this!
  5. In Jedi, the green Twilek Oola has a nipple slip and George Lucas left it in. Maybe the Rancor was supposed to distract us?
  6. Despite being one of the most famous and well known villains in the history of movie making, Darth Vader actually has only 12 minutes of screen time in A New Hope! That's four minutes less than the screen time of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs - and Anthony Hopkins got an Oscar for the part! What an impact Vader has had. 
  7. The reason the little green guy Yoda was added to Return of the Jedi was there was some concern about whether Vader was really Luke's father. After consultation with child psychologists about how Vader's claim could be perceived by younger children who then went on to watch Jedi,  George Lucas decided he needed an independent character to confirm Darth Vader's claim that he is Luke Skywalker's father. Which was awesome for everyone as we all love Yoda!
  8. You know that awesome pod racer race in The Phantom Menace? Yep, Lucas was just copying the famous chariot race from Ben Hur. 
  9. Lucas was actually quite good at stealing good ideas. You know that bit where Obi-Wan Kenobi feels the death of the people on the planet Alderaan? Lucas just took that from a Star Trek episode where Spock felt the death of 400 of his own Vulcan kind.
  10. David Lynch was offered the chance to direct Return of the Jedi but turned it down. Can you imagine how crazy Jedi could have turned out if Lynch had cast his magic over the film? Lynch actually chose Dune as his next film, and while it wasn't an amazing film, it has gone on to earn its place in film history. It was also probably just as well that Sting didn't have a role in Jedi either..... 
  11. Speaking of Dune, the book's influence on Star Wars and George Lucas was incredible!
Thinking of a Christmas present for someone? How about the U-Wing space ship from Rogue One as a present idea.

How to restore your Dad's old desk to former glories


Used and Abused: Before the first sanding
I got my hand's on my father's old desk with the intention of restoring it to former glories.

My Dad had used it for years as a study desk both when studying at university and then as a teacher.

When when my brother went to University, he took it so he could have somewhere to store his beer and comics on. As a result, it was rooted and needed some love.

Here are the steps I took to renovate the desk and give it a new life in my home!

Note: I'm no expert when it comings to DIY renovations, I just made this shit up as I went remembering things from woodwork class back in the day. Key things to remember (and learned from past experiences elsewhere)  - do not cheap out on sand paper, paint brushes or satin. Use quality products!

Step 1.

Clean the desk. Wipe away the spider webs, coachroach shit, beer stains and god knows what else has built up over the years. Take your kick ass sander and sand the shit out of every piece of wood you see - use a low grit sandpaper. I used 60 grit and make sure its some quality paper.

Don't cheap out like Don Brash on a dinner date.

Step 2.

Done sanding?

No you are not.

Get a hearth brush and clean the sand residue off.

Then wet a rag with water and wash the desk off from top to bottom.

Let is dry.

Step 3.

If your desk is a bit warped and the panels creaky, this is the time I decided to reglue them back together. I possibly should have done this as Step 1. Whatever, learning is part of life.

Get some PVA wood glue and a T-bar clamp or 2 and glue the panels you want back together. Leave overnight to make sure the glue has worked it's magic. If the wood is warped, you may be in for a battle to keep things straight, so say a prayer to Obi-Wan Kenobi or something.

Note to self: Glue before sanding!
Step 4.

Yip, I know you made a mess during step 3 so sand any PVA glue remains off.

Now here come's a suck-ass part. You now have to resand the entire desk again to get rid of the 'roughage' that the initial sand left.

Time to use a finer grit sandpaper - give your desk some love with at least a 120 grit - I did a round with some 150 and then did another sanding round with 180 grit. Again clean with a broom etc, wash down with water.

A well sanded desk. 
Step 5.

You are now ready for the last, and most fun part - the staining of the desk.

The stain makes the desk looks nice and also gives it a protection from the 'elements' like beer being spilled on it.

For this desk, I chose a nice kauri satin, my reasoning being the wood was light in colour and would suit whatever wood the desk actually is made from.

In a dust free area, apply the stain evenly with a quality brush.

And by quality, I mean one that will not start to lose bristles half way through the job.

Look for any areas of excess and even out. Depending on the product you are using they may suggest to wipe off with a cloth.

I say directions are for pussies. Just do what feels right..... leave to dry overnight in a dust free area.

Actually, follow the instructions properly and leave to dry overnight.

Nice satin Kauri finish
Step 6.

Find some  matching handles for the drawers. Put them in place and you're done:

Step 7.

Put some beer and comics on the desk.

You're done!

Congratulations. You now have a really nicely restored old desk. You've earned yourself some Man Points. Go bake a bacon and egg pie to celebrate.

old desk restored

Elvis would have been a sissy without Johnny Cash



elvis with side burns

U2 songs lyrics that reference Elvis

Elvis was the King  (kind of the same as Eric Clapton is God but better) - and kings leave a long line of history and influence so it's no surprise that U2 have either referenced Elvis in a couple of their songs or done a cover of a song he made famous!

Elvis Ate America

A song from Passengers that is was almost an Elvis rant - but it did deliver the classic Bono lyric, 'Elvis would have been a sissy without Johnny Cash' which, to my mind, seems true!

A Room at the HeartBreak Hotel

Whilst not specifically about Elvis, the song is a direct reference to Heartbreak Hotel - a song which Elvis famously sang about. Fans of the Rattle and Hum album might be interested to know that U2 recorded song tracks for for the album at Sun Studios in Memphis, where Elvis famously recorded. Room at the Heartbreak Hotel was a b-side to Angel of Harlem  single from Rattle and Hum.

Elvis Presley and America

Apparently this was a letter of sorts from Bono to Lisa Marie, Elvis's daughter.

Unchained Melody

Dare I put this here as it's simply a famous Elvis cover song? Yip - but it's a famous one!


Can't help falling in Love

Another sweet cover of the King.