You should be dancing...

The best legal fun you can have in a lift???

Runs in the Family

Well we're getting shafted in the cricket.... Fleming out for one. Papps off retired hurt from a Brett Lee bouncer... strewth and Crickey dick maaaate! That's gotta hurt. Papps' instant bruise was about the size of a golf ball. Just poped out of his left temple like the godzilla of all zits.

My predictions for the rest of the match.

Astle out for 40s.

H Marshall - 56 of 65

J Marshall - 40 off 47

Then N to collapse horribly and to fall short by 37 balls.

Later skaters.

UPDATE: So I got the H Marshal guess pretty close - 55 off 80 something balls and pretty much much got the ending right.... well it wasn't that hard to pick was it ???

Hopefully the match tm at the Basin Reserve will be sunny and with the beers flowing!! Forgive me father, for I am a sinner. It has been 27 days since my last beer...)


This city's got big buildings
I like food

Round here

Round here

So many empty faces
In these sad places
So many smiles that never were
Should I say hello to her?

Round here the birds should be singing
But the phone is never ringing

So many happy places
Matching all the smiling faces
Shakes of many hands.
Shall we go and see the bands?

Round here the belles are ringing
As the kids begin mingling

The ailses are full of smiles
As the parties are a swinging
and the birds are a winging.

And we struck up a conversation
Turns out I know a relation

Round here the birds are singing.

Sushi - Only for experts

So like I made some sushi about 1am this morning. I used a nice salmon steak as the base. Get it to work for lunch, take a bite. Gagged on it, nearly puked and through it all in the bin. D'oh. What went wrong I have no idea, it jsut tasted horrible.

So like go the Go the Black Caps tm!!!! Be interesting to see if the Marshall twins get to have a bat together.

TGIF eh?


When was your last dance with Mary Jane?

I was thinking how sweet it would be if the good old Mary Jane could be packaged into a gas dispenser like an asthma inhaler. Instead of passing round a bong or doobie, you just flick round the puffer.

This could be quite good for places where MJ is is legal for assisting with health problems. I understand a bit of the whacky backy helps ease the pain of cancer, so why not help em out with ready to smoke weed?

A fool's errand

Note: If u want to read this post and make sense of it please read the immeadiate one prior.


Ok I'm at the White House. Cool. I'm learning about issue positions, news, Cabinet, appointments,offices and major speeches. Includes biography, video tour and photo essays ...

Clicking on news I get ( Ok I see where this is going... I think I'll define a degree as from one website to another not a link within site...)... Jeez this site is tighter than a nun... the word Jeff Hand Cannon cannot be found and external links are hard to come by ... I'm supposedly off to the FBI but I'm at the The Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC). IFCC's mission is to address fraud committed over the Internet. Whoope do da. What about the fraud that is this link to the FBI site? (OK so the FBI sponsors these dudes or something..) Hey now I'm cooking from IFCC to the FBI I go.

The FBI is the home of Mulder and Skully. The truth is out there, Jeff Cannon I'm coming for ya baby! (3 degrees..) Well Jeff aint on the FBI's most wanted list... This is beginning to burn... so I 'm here at the National Executive Institute Associates (NEIA), the Major Cities Chiefs (MCC), and the Major County Sheriff's Association (MCSA) in a desperate bid to find a half decent link. Boring!

I'm now at the Choice Point Centre. WTF this is I have no idea and I dont care. All I'm trying to do is find a gay hookers website. Is that so hard? The 'Partner Programs' section sounds promising... no wait two man shaking hands. Subtle but not enuff.

I quit. It probably would have been easier trying to link Jeff Cannon to Kevin Bacon.

Six Degrees of Separation

So everyone probably knows the term 'six degrees of separation' which is a theory that everybody can be traced to each other by a chain of six degrees. You start with one person and try and figure out how they are related to the sixth person by friends, family, the milkman or whomever etc.

The Hollywood way is done by the Kevin Bacon game. A random movie star is tried to be liked to Kevin within six degrees. By looking at movies that actors and actresses have in common, you can link them to Kevin Bacon. For example, Jack Nicholson was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon. Michelle Pfeiffer was in "Wolf" (or "The Witches of Eastwick") with Jack Nicholson, who was in "A Few Good Men" with Kevin Bacon. And so on. SO if you want Naiomi Watts you just link them with Sean Penn being in Mystic River and 21 Grams...

So a random Canadian (Bear in mind I'm in Nu Zillan) in my office just asked me if this had an internet equivalent. I.e. on a link by link basis. So I shall try and put it to the test.

I'll try and link George W Bush to the Jeff Cannon who inflitrated a press conference and is supposedly a fake (not to mention a gay hooker...). I'll start at the Official Whitehouse site and try and get to his home site (If he has one).

Stay tuned

If I was in a covers band

I'd make sure we played:

Don't Damn Me - GNR
Blow Your House Down - U2
I am the the Highway - Audioslave
I smell a rat - The White Stripes

and maybe some Def Lepard. Or as Bert innocently spelt it, Def Leopard

Update: Yes I am that freakin stoopid sometimes.

Don't you want me any more?

So like The Shins. Got up to Vic in time to see Julia Deans play some of her acoustic set. Her voice is so sexy. 'Lydia' was played with such a slow sarcastic sneer its no wonder its a kiwi classic. The songs played bode well for a new album.

Shins. They had some good poppy songs for openers but at midway stage I started to think about leaving. The songs began to merge into one big mess. The dudes didn't really have a 'classic' stage presence. The thing holding them together was the singer's cool voice. Banter with the crowd was truly excelllent. Nearly as good as Neil Finn can be. Not.

So the set picked up at the end with the songs every body knows and every one got jumping up and down and I woke up, so that was cool. some sweet harmonies started flowing.

These guys are for me gonna be a lazy sunday afternoon kind of band. The peeps I was with mostly loved it so... whatever.

Nothing, I want nothing!

From Newsroom:

American journalist and novelist, Hunter S. Thompson, has died at his home in Colorado.

Police say the 67-year-old, an avid gun enthusiast, shot himself.

Thompson pioneered a new kind of fictional journalism in books such as the drug hazed "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and "Hell's Angels" in which he infiltrated the notorious American biker gang.

He pioneered what he called "gonzo journalism" where the writer became the reason for the story.


I don't know Jack about the guy really other than knowing him as someone whose famous. I've seen the Johnny Depp movie and watched the U2 vid he's in - Hog on Ice does a piece on him.

First person to correctly guess what this is, deserves a DB

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V9: Better than a V8

Saturday evening was at the Valve seeing me mates’ bands play. So here’s a quick review.

VillaNine played the best I’ve seen them… Te Flatmate was a lil over excited playing guitar solos from the 70s but what the hey it was cool – esp the Ramones cover, ‘I Wanna be Sedated’. Sedate they were not. Go you good things! The bass player, Charlie Chicken had his nails painted lovely black and red and his Mohawk done just oh so perfectly.

I’d just like to point out the only make up I wear is my genetic make-up.

Prior to V9 were Stingfish and Riff Pedler.

RP – had some good tunes, with er good riffs… mixed the singers up a lil too much though.

Stingfish were pretty sweet, have they stepped up a notch from last year. New songs, a new drum kit and some real energy saw them knocking out some killer songs.

Night finished with a band called Agency – I was pre warned they were Jesus freaks and well that was a fairly apt description. Think ‘Rage Against the Machine’ crossed with the Virgin Mary and you get the picture. THAT said they were a pretty good show, I think the singer had way too much caffeine b4 the show….. their bald bass player scared the hell out of me… ironically.

After that I beat the Davey Bros at pool. Take that suckers! Home 4am, Sober. A milestone for Jimmy Jangles.

Riff Raff

So Micheal Laws, Mayor of Wanganui has released the press release below. It looks like the mayor may have been using council resources to benefit himself... What does Norm Hewitt have to do with Wanaganui? Not a lot. If it was such a big deal Laws, Hewitt or whoever should have released their own statement.


Mayor's Book Made Into TV Doco

Press Release by Wanganui District Council at 1:05 PM, 18 Feb 2005

Wanganui Mayor Michael Laws' best-selling biography of former All Black Norm Hewitt, entitled 'Gladiator', has been made into a TV documentary and will screen on TV One tomorrow (Saturday) at 10am.

The book was published in the year 2000 and was a runaway success staying for 12 weeks at either No.1 or No.2 on the official bestseller lists. It tells the remarkable story of former All Black Norm Hewitt and is a harrowing story of one man's survival of domestic and sexual abuse and alcoholism.

Am Em Am Em Am Em

So like the Black Caps lost the first Twenty20 match. Boohoo. At least we saw some 'cool' outfits....

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Have rediscovered REM's Green album - I whacked it on the Ipod the other day. Its soooo good. 'You are the Everything' and 'Hairshirt' are just the best songs. I'm seeing REM Easter weekend - I hope they turn me inside out!


Ne Oubliez Pas - VillaNine and Stingfish are playing @ the Valve Saturday night.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

One of these is Cyndy Lauper at the Grammys, the other is ex WINZ boss Christine Rankin. Were they separated at birth?

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things that makes you go hmmmm....

A lazy post - stolen from Pop Bitch

The making of Oliver Stone's turkey Alexander
is already legendary for its on-set
shenanigans. But this is our favourite
behind-the-scenes story so far.

Colin Farrell turned up at the edit suite
one day, when the movie was in post-
production and disappeared into the toilets.
He came out, walked up to the director,
and handed him a turd. Apparently Stone had
insisted on Farrell drinking protein shakes
for the entirety of the shoot, which caused
him to shit brown liquid throughout filming.

The Key to the Quay

So here are the rules for walking up or down Lambton Quay:

If walking to the Beehive end, keep left.
If walking to Willis end, keep left.

Not so hard is it?

A few of Micheal Jackson's favourite things?

A pretty funny parody of the former King of Pop.

Is he Bad, Dangerous or just Off the Wall? You decide.


Check out MJ's post humous single, Breaking News lyrics

Contact NRG, U suck.

So like on Feb the 2nd Contact Energy accidentally cut off our gas. They got the wrong house. It took two full days to get reconnected. Te Flatmate did the ringing (twice) to get the stuff sorted. He went as far as ensuring there was no re - connection fee. So surprise surprise the gas bill comes and there is an 84 dollar (ex GST) re connection fee! Mofos. I called the hotline. Got through straight away which surprised the hell out of me. Situation was soon remedied with the charge removed, “It was accidentally charged to your account” or similar words used. I don't recall the word sorry being used but the operater was pleasant enough.

I think this was crap. Contact stuffed up once and then again i.e. tried to charge us for their mistake. I bet they did it deliberately (the charge not the cut off) to see if they could get away with it. I further bet this is an SOP of all the gas and electricity companies.

They were just lucky I can handle having a cold shower – if they had turned the gas off of an old lady or solo mum in winter there would have been hell to pay.

Rock is Dead?

So my new favourite song of the month: 'Needles, Ca' by John 5 of Marilyn Manson fame

download it here for free!

That is all.


So U2 won 3 Grammys at well... the Grammys

- Best Rock Performance By a Duo or Group With Vocal
- Best Rock Song (songwriters award)
- Best Short Form Music Video

All for the song Vertigo. Kewl.

Why is Grammys not spelt Grammies?

Jesus Saves

So eye like that soccer loving babe below? I think she's perfect.

NE way moving on. I got a lil bug bear that I must share.

Why is it when you in in a lift and you have pressed the Ground Floor button and someone else gets in on a different floor, they too press the Ground Floor Button. Even if its lit up these people still press the button. Why? It serves no purpose, You know its going down. It says so.

It is the same with traffic lights. 15 people could be standing at the corner (Maybe Willy and the Poor Boys are playing) waiting for the red light to turn green. Clearly if the light is red then someone has pressed the button. But I guarantee, you that 16th person is going to press the goddam button. Just to be sure.

Its like going to Church to pray just in case Jesus does indeed save. Only not as stupid.

Which team has the sexiest Soccer World Cup fans?

And this is why Argentina will win the Soccer World Cup in 2014. Their fans are just so sexy!

With support from  babes like this, how can Argentina go wrong in the World Cup? Should be the official Argentina team mascot! The official logo on the shirt! As for after match functions..... I couldn't possibly speak.

The Girls from the UK have enough support for their team eh?

Is Canada even in the Cup?
The English are back!

The USA is doing OK as well, good form land of the free:

american bikini girl with large breasts

Here's some more pictures of body painted soccer fans, starting with some lovely girls from Australia, resplendent with their silicone bubbles of roundness:

nude soccer fan world cup
The girls from Australia might think they are abreast of the rest....

I can't even pretend to know where this next body painted soccer fan is from, but I am wondering if her 'sprigs' are regulation...
nude body paint world cup
Playing the ball from the ground is a foul?

The soccer World Cup is a chance for bars to rake in some cash as the games are being played. And what better way to keep the punters in the bar by having your lovely bar maids wearing some body paint out fits:
Another well rounded reason why Argentina will win the soccer..... 
This picture below is just a blatant grab for page views by showing a nude woman appearing to be making love to a soccer ball....

body paint babe soccer 2014

Proving we can all actually get along, here's some pretty fans from the United States and Argentina doing their best for race relations. Nude. With free smiles.

nude body painting soccer fans
USA! USA! USA! and Argentina...

Soccer: It's a universal sport
So there you have it. Women sports fans wearing paint. Any complaints, please see management, check out the lingerie football girls before you do.

In case you are not a fan of soccer, we leave you with Lara Bingle, cricket fan.

Lara Bingle, green and gold bikini

Ipod Heaven

See it really does exist. Yes Mum, I'll clean my desk later....

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Baggy Trouser Law Canned

Sometimes you Americans out there are sometimes a lil bit weird... u let the KKK have free speech, vote Bush back in, u think Paris Hilton is sexy, gave Halle Berry an Oscar, and then to top it all off you try and do this....

Politicians in the American state of Virginia have abandoned a plan to fine people who deliberately wear trousers so low that their underwear is visible.

A bill was passed by the lower house of the Virginia Congress on Tuesday, but a Senate committee has struck it down.

It said the controversy the legislation had caused was too embarrassing.

You should let people look like dicks if they wish. It's what distinguishes the cool from uncool....

From newsroom

Jimmy Neutron, Boy Wonder

So I got my self a shiny and new Ipod. Wicked. My life is now forever wayz I was reading all the paraphernalia they sent with the pod. A section reads:

"The Apple software is not intended for use in the operation of nuclear facilities..."

Well buggar me... has this happened before?

Did some Jimmy Neutron, Boy Wonder accidently begin a countdown of Chernobyl proportions and go ahh shite.. the computers are crashing, the end of the world is nigh and I'm still a virgin... but hey wait my ipod will fix it! I'll plug it into the main frame play, it some Napster ripped Metallica songs and Bob Rock's yer uncle, China Syndrome avoided?

I didn't think so,Tim.

Anyways's here's the lyrics to Death Magnetic

I'm not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your police work there, Lou.

So I gave Fargo a fair go last night. It was pretty good... Those crazy Coens.. Yeah.... oh yeah.... aye... year... yeah? yeah. I'd heard about this infamous wood chipper scene.... to see a leg with its foot in a white sock being rammed down into the chipper blades was just classic movie making. Tarintino would surely have been proud of that moment. Frances McDormand was just great. Coen Bros rule. Go get their 'Big Lewboski' if you're into vagina art.....

NE way NZ cricket State Sheild Comp - the Semifinal ( there was only one of them oddly..) between ND and Canterbury was played yesterday. The Gladiator scored a great century only to be upstaged by Daniel Vettori who scored 134 of 111 balls to win the match for ND. Apparently its the first time in NZ history both captains in a one day match have each scored centuries. Cool.

Ok it be pay day so I'm gonna go buy an Ipod. woohoo!

Favourite Sayings of the 'Poor'

So the favourite sayings of 'poor' people:

1) An honest days work never hurt anyone
2) The best things in life are free
3) At least I have my health
4) As long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes I'll be happy
5) Money can't buy me love

And when I'm rich I'll let you know the favourite sayings of those people....


So I got a total of 29 newbies to this blog yesterday...I'm stoked but no idea how this happened.

The Manatee

My friends know me too well, The Manatee tried to write a summary of this blog in twenty words or less:

"Fuk I need a drink. I would sell my greasy soul for a drink. Crickets been dull too. Horrses still racing. Thats my blog."

So he can't count nor spell, but cut him some slack will ya? He is an endangered species after all.

I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it

Spent the arvo on the balconey at the Establishment drinking Red Bull and eating good food. Other than the company, a drunk man sitting on a bench below in the street kept me entertained.

Its like rain on your wedding day

Oh sweet delicious irony. Affer my rant re tree huggers and all their glory the 'sponsored links' to the right of this post all turned traitor and offered Gluten free porducts for sale. Hell no one ever clicks on these adds anyway but c'mon is there really that kind of market out there? Probably - cos the adds are there... any way this is not really ironic because this is what happens with Google adds, they reflect what it written. Thus no irony involved here. Which is ironic seeing as this blog is about irony. Don't you think?

What would perhaps be ironic is if a tree hugger did read the prior posts about their dreadlocked cousins and then went and clicked on the adds. Maybe.


So apparently this word: mesothelioma is good for getting big returns on the adds. Mesothelioma is a cancer that can be caused by exposure to asbestos.

We'll see if mesothelioma adds come up. Better than bloody gluten free shite I'm sure....

The KKK took my Xbox away

It went away for the holidays
Said it's going to Hawke’s Bay.
But it never got there
It never got there,
It never got there, they say

The KKK took my Xbox away they took it away
Away from me the KKK took my baby away
They took her away, away from me
Now I don’t know where my Halo hero can be
They took him away from me, they took him away from me
I don’t know where my Xbox Hero can be

They took him away from me, they took him away from me
Ring me, ring me, ring me up the president
And find out where my Xbox went
Ring me, ring me, ring me up the fbi and find
Out if Xbox’s alive yeah, yeah, yeah

The Wanderer

Something Random, I was thinking Johnny Cash

The Weary Wanderer

There's a weary weight on my shoulder
'Tis making me grow older
This wagon I'm a dragin' has got no wheels
and the whiskey's lost me my zeal

Used to be brave
With nerves of steal
Tough now, the days are tough
and life's assortments are pretty rough

Just got time to feel
Now I just got to heal


The Wanderer was a song that U2 wrote for Johnny Cash from the Zooropa album.

Got a playstation tan?

Just a quickie - After 'giving' up alcohol for a month I find myself addicted to XBox's Halo. I can't put the gamepad down. So tired need sleep... but that said I read "Post Office" by Charles Bukowski yesterday. Its a small book about... working in a post office. I read it in like under two hours... its semi autobiographical I figure ... I saw a doco on him last year - the author is a fuck up and I wouldn't want to know him yet I was utterly drawn to the character in the book .... that man was a fuck up....