Mountain Warriors

Me, Bert and Fran Fine and a Manatee, six hours into our Tongariro Crossing trip.

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Paris, Pizza Pie and Pommies

What does Paris 'The Home Movie Queen' Hilton have in common with the upcoming British Lions tour? Absolutely nothing. Yet.

I'm really just curious as to what scandals we can expect the Lions team to get themselves involved in when they get here.

On the field the scandal will be they suck ass and need to resort to cheating to beat us. They will have one player sent off. I'm putting money on it being an Englishman. A tall one.

Off the field I'm picking Norm Hewit / Norm Maxwell drunken shennanigans in a bar (too obvious though) - maybe some tuffey / paris hilton style home vids instead? A bust for dope? Who knows.

They were perhaps on something when they played Argentina. A draw? Come on! Even if it was a second string warm up side the Argys should have been pole axed. Esp as it turned out half the argy team were pizza delivery boys. Though this could perhaps prove the case for the carbo loading diet?

Who really bites The Hand That Feeds?

Nine Inch Nails have withdrawn from performing “on next week's MTV Movie Awards after the network questioned the band's plans to perform in front of an image of President George W. Bush.”

I believe MTV has an absolute right to question the NIN’s planned actions. They own the format. Trent Reznor has the right to do what he likes but not on some one else’s dime. So hence the reason for the no show. No big drama really.

So what’s the reason for the season? Publicity. NIN have made their point politically -andnow we know Trent and Twiggy don’t support Dubya. Who really cares? Not me. But hh wait the nuerons are sparking into life… oh yes that’s right, NIN has a new album out - With Teeth. I think it chopped the American Charts.

A lil publicity for that kan't leave you hurt, kannit?


I saw NIN play a few years back at the Auckland BDO. They were a monster act. Been a fan ever since. Love The Fragile. Can't get into the new one. Will keep trying.

The Silence of the Manatee

So there was a lil party at Jimmy Jangles’ pad on Saturday. And by little I mean it took 17 years to clean the place on Sunday. 3 rubbish bags full of beer, gin and other glass entities are now neatly dumped out the back. It was E’s leaving party for his OE so the usual suspects and more turned up. We even had a guy from Sesame Street turn up….Hey Bert!

The dude that thought it would be funny to casually swing an axe around in the middle of a crowded room turned out to be quite the comedian… if my lemonade addled memory served me correctly the following exchange was kinda funny.

Crazy Guy (with sarcasm): Dude, you have more pick-up lines than the Pope.

The Manatee: Umm the Pope’s dead bro.

Crazy Guy: Yeah.

Cue Manatee reduced to tears. Or was he just wet because I accidentally spilled a gin and tonic on him when he was break dancing. I can hardly recall.

Some Baloney defintions:

A seasoned smoked sausage made of mixed meats, such as beef, pork, and veal.
Pretentious or silly talk or writing

Much like this blog really.

The Coke Free Rock Quest

AKA: I'm not fat I'm big boned

So the do-gooders have done it again. PC Citizens on patrol have cleaned the kiddies teeth of Coke and other sugar laden drinks forcing dentists everywhere to find new ways ot gouge out the teeth market. Well kind of.

Rockfest is when the kiddies get into bands and make some serious rock. Well it used to be all about the rock but now I understand the pacific flavour is coming thru. I think people such as Anika Moa, Bic Runga and the Feelers had varying successes in the Quest. NE way, back to my b’arch.

Has Rockquest been the latest victim of the PC Rage Against The Machine? The Machine being Coca-Cola. U C, Coke sponsors the Rockquest Well it used to sponsor it till yesterday.... (what happened to it being SmokeFree? Did the kiddies quit? Did state intervention actually fix something? Maybe it is still smoke free - after the Dec smoking laws any way I'm sure it is... )

The Health Sponsorship Council has the naming rights to the Rockquest. They could not afford to fund it all by themselves four years ago so they did a deal with the devil and called in Coke to fill the funding gap. It’s a classic contradiction – the health council which presumably aims to improve the health of the kiddies lets Coke advertise its sugary wares to the unsuspecting youth… Now thanks to that awesome Budget of last week they can fund the whole thing by themselves (the govt gave them your money instead of giving you a tax cut - Oh wait they did, got your gum yet?) and Coke has been given the big heave ho. And now the media is all stirred up.

Which is fairly amusing – I suspect the Rockquest will have disappeared under the nation’s radar this year and with it Coke’s advertising reach – but now Coke is all over the place in the media today – front page of the Dom Post for example. Coke may be secretly delighted at their dumping. This is kinda in the same vein as the Paris Hilton burger video scandal …. Only on a lesser scale…. Hmm burgers…..

Actually is this really the PC Brigade in action? Stopping the kids from becoming lard asses is a good thing. It may do me some good too. Hell my mono ab is the result of too many beers and too many Vs and Cokes but I’m not phat. I’m festively plump.

Actually I think it’s the whole PC band wagon thing that pisses me off. People dissing the evil empire of Mac Dees, Coke, KFC and the like for making you fat. It is not them making you fat, its you. Mac Dees didn’t make that dude Supersized. He did. Or it was bad parenting. Or bad schooling. Or the X Box. Or it’s the choices we make which make us obese. I mean you obese. I’m just big boned.

Just wait till the Fat Tax comes in. We'll all be on the Atkins diet.

Only in Dreams

I know people hate hearing about other people's dreams. If this is you get over it. This morning I dreamt I pulled a tooth out and it was rotten.

The Whore is back and in fine form. Don't forget your veges too mate.

Pls don't leave off colour comments. Only I'm allowed to do that. Ta.

I won't leave you hurt

So like a considerate Jimmy Jangles fan emailed me an MP3 (an MP3 sounds better than a MP3 don't you think?) of 'Stagger Lee' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Why? I don't know. Maybe he thinks I'm a fan.

Well he's kinda right - I know Nick Cave has a Red Right Hand but that'a about it. No I can't back that up, I know a lil of him. He writes songs about Boats and Wild Roses.

So any way the Stagger Lee song is pretty cool. When the band played in Wellington this month they closed with it. Again you ask, WTF is JJ on about? Johnny Cash. The guy, according to Bono Vox, whom Elvis would have been a pussy without The Highway Man. The Man in Black.

The Nine Inch Nails cover of Hurt is to die for.

Cash also did a cover of Cave's 'The Mercy Seat'. Go listen, go buy. You owe it to yourself.

And here endeth your music lesson for the day.

Go the Canes!!!!!!

So Lego Man can use his Kookaburra. Why he would use a bird and not a bat I don't know. Some radical Black Cap strategy perhaps?

Hey, you knew I'd get back to cricket eventually.

Lion Nathan - get some pride

I heard via a mate via Marty Devlin that the CEO of Lion Nathan hopes the Lions beat the All Blacks so the Balmy Army drinks more beer. Makes good business sense I reckon. Except that its freakin traitorous!!!!

First up, I don't care who the hell you are - if ur a Kiwi you back the All Blacks. Plain and Simple. All Blacks are this nation's Steinlager claims to be be. Hmmm whats that? A beer reference? Oh yes Lion Nathan produce Steinlager. The offical beer of the All Blacks.

In summary Lion Nathan, All Black sponsor, wants the All Blacks to lose. Crazy huh. Sponsors usually like to associate with winning teams... Go figure. Maybe the CEO has been drinking too much of his own product. I hope not, what will the Balmy army drink?

This Steinlager man through and through is mad! Its enough to make any one drink.

Steinlager any one?

The Trip (extended disco remix)

JJ and Mount Ngarahoe

Me and the Kids decided it might be fun to go for a hike so we piled into the cars and headed to Tongariro National Park to do the 19 km hike commonly known as the Tongariro Crossing. Here's a quick write up:


Us crazy kids headed off in two cars shortly after 7ish. Destination: National Park.

Me and Hey Bert! in the back, The SAS and a TiJuana stray upfront in car one, The Manatee, E, Fran Fine (the other one!) and Ms M in the other. The Speights was strictly rationed for me and Bert because I’d give you a beer but I’ve only got six.

NE ways the four hours of road trippin’ with my allies consisted of J5, FHM, Speights, V, insulting txt messages, Manic Street Preachers and a lil bit of chit chat about whom is doing what to whomever….

Arrive at Back packers sans beer. There is no equivalent of the Feathers in sight. This is not good. Not to worry the Manatee kept us well entertained…


Cut to 6.30am. Raw Spaghetti for breakfast and off 2 the mountains. Destination: Tongariro crossing.

The Fellowship started out a happy crew, eager to break on thru to the other side. A happy jaunt across the country side? A stroll through the park? Not quite.

Early on we thought we saw Gollum once, but it was just a manatee out of water. Eating a raw chicken. Go figure.

We come to the first lil hill after about an hour. Its straight up and it aint no use complaining. But everyone did. My lungs put in for a transfer and my knees demanded surgery. Wicked view at the top. Mordor in all its glory. Whatever.

Through a moon like crater and up the Ridge. That was one mean mother. Very strong cold winds made for a freaky time for some of the less experienced of the Fellowship. It was quite testing for some of em but I just loved it. Nothing like frezzing yo’ ass off for a challenge. Our trial was well rewarded with perfect views of Mt Ngarahoe, and the Emerald Lakes. Freakin Brilliant.

The crazy thing about this whole trip was all the god dam tourists. Not that there’s any thing wrong with them - it was the way they approached the trip. Take for example the English Tourists. A certain operator had clearly sold them the day trip package as a sweet jaunt to see a pretty lake. About 40 (?) young pommies turned up in jeans and sandals for an 8 hour hike. Freakin ridiculous. The tourist operator that let them go was taking a risk. If it had of rained when it was tough going many of that lot would all have had hypothermia in 20 mins. Seriously, these guys were under prepared for the trip.

NE way the otherside was all sun, sun, sun and fun, fun, fun so they were lucky. But I rant too much.

LSS made it to the otherside by 4pm. Great vistas all round. A bus picked us up and took us to our lonely cars. I found 2 speights under the seat. Bert and Eye celebrate. Us men deserved a DB. Or not. Who drinks DB? I'd give you a beer but I've only got two.

We hot footed it (or is that hot tired) to Taupo. Checked in at a backpackers and went to De Bretts Hot pools for a well earned soak. Absolute Bliss. Just the ticket for our heavy legs.

Then off to dinner at erm.. Cob and Co… Oh the shame! Nah we just wanted a cheap meal before we hit town. I had the roast beef and I think I ate it in 4 mins. Nothing like a well earned meal!

So to town it was. Or not. I crashed big time after dinner. 3 beers in the evening and I was done. Home asleep by 10ish.

Sun – Breakfast on the Taupo lake front and then the big old drive back to Wellington.

Thanks to the SAS for all the organising. And stuff.

And there endeth the story.

I’ll post some photos later.

Update: Did the Tongariro trip again in 2011, still good, and still handsome!

I got ID

“Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid” – The boys from 2 Many DJs

This is an absolute maxim for me. Music is the window to my soul. Stuff this, ‘its in your eyes’ bullshit. That’s the sappy stuff one reserves for The Princess. You know what I mean, don’t ya Princess. – "What’s that baby? Sorry I was drowning in your eyes. They’re soooo deep… "

Ne way I digress as I digest. Right now I’m listening to NIN (that’s Nine Inch Nails for you Dad). Its invigorating my brain against the numbness that is MS Excel. Fu$k you Bill Gates – you improve productivity thru this superdooper calculator program and what happens? People expect more of you. Hey Jimmy, here’s some numbers, make me a million dollars with 'em? By 5 pm. Yesterday.

Some times I wish I never learned to read.

Don't make me get all Blackhawk on your ass

So I know more about quantum physics than I do the Crusades. Something about killing the infidels...?? Water near a bridge I say. By gones.

Ne way Kingdom of Heaven by Ridley Scott was today's viewing pleasure. As Vin Diesel once mumbled, "I live for this shit". I love war movies. Swords. Tomcats. Cheesey Aviator Glasses. Mutiny on a submarine. Marines. So I loved this movie. Horses. Bloodied swords. Kiwi actors acting badly. Arrows. Fair (not so) maidens. Honour in defeat. Or should that have been defeat in honour? Who knows? I only write this shite so you can fill in time at work.

This movie had all the classic Ridley Scott hallmarks - excellent camera action - blood flying, earth falling to the ground in slo mo, a soundtrack to die for but no blackhawks in site. A few buzzards maybe but that was it.

The dry desert canvas was what made this movie - sweeping shots of armies attacking each other were awesome. Horses running to their deaths. An Oasis of 200,000 men with nothing but hate in their eyes. Two men seeing each other about a dog.

Some crappy dialogue - How much is jerusalem worth? was answered with Nothing, Everything. Palease.

Orlando Bloom has taken some shit for this movie. He was ok. He's a lover not a fighter really. You can take the boy out of Troy but you can't take the boy out of Troy.

Sorry, I was killing time till the bus came.

UPDATE: Here's a more coherent opinion. I should have included a comment on the PC nature of it. It was indeed very PC.

HOW DOES IT FEEL BABY? Lower. how does it feel baby?

How does it feel Xavier? How DOES IT FEEL!!????

Ha ha, I doubted Tana's boys on my Virtual Supa 12 picks (First with the head Peekay, then with the heart) - but who care's when your team kicks Auckland's ass.

Sing the Blues indeed.

You stay of your life and I'll stay out of mine

So one tiny lil post about 22 taxes/levies/cost increases and my lil blog goes crazy. Thanks to the likes of Sir Humfs, K1w1blog and NZ Pundit - I had over 200 visitors. Which is great compared to the usual 10 or so! Hell, someone even clicked on an add and I made 6c US! Cheerz guys.

The 22 tax list has floated(?) around wellington for a couple of years now. What's the point of it?

To highlight the tax and spend attitude of the govt and the undue (?) influence it is having over my life. And yours too.


Has any body seen my black sweater vest?


Oh well, I had a good time losing it.

Please pass the panadol, there's a good lass.

What's with these guys dissin' my girl?

I know, I know, two preachy posts in a row.

I'll be back to the usual Jimmy Jangles School of Bullshit as soon as the sub editor comes off strike and the tea lady gets over her P addiction.

Space Cadet or Space Boy?

So Greg Stephens got me thinking about his call for the government to fund K1W1 music. My initial reaction was bollocks. I left a poorly speld comment there. Bollocks is still my reaction. I’m one of these market driven people that the left love to hate (and Jon Toogood assures me love is the new hate) wherein I feel people should be left to their own devices. Sink or Swim. Fly or die. Burn or get burnt.

I’m talking about commercial realities here. Radio exists these days because the owners want to make money. Same for magazines, tv and filmmakers and other artists. Yeah, sure these things are often done for love – these artists/shakermakers are lucky they do jobs they love. But they should not expect a free lunch from me and you. They should earn through merit.

Say you’re Goldenhorse. Why are you popular? U have great songs, you toured the whole country up and down and you have a spunky front person. Do you deserve money? Only because you have worked hard for it. Do you deserve freebie funding for your next video? No. (Note - I have no idea who funded the new GH video)

This is what bugs me actually – NZ on Air giving established artists money for videos. If you have been ‘successful’ I don’t think you’re deserving of more funding. If we have to fund people in the music industry – it should be for newbies only.

And you know what really bugs me? Peter Jackson (god bless) asking for tax breaks for the film industry. That’s called picking winners. That’s called picking trendy favourites of the day. That’s called wasting tax payers money. And that's what will happen if the govt funds KIWI music. Even more.

I love kiwi music - bands like the Feelers and Datsuns rock forth from the Ipod continously. I support them at concerts and buy their albums - I just dont want to give them my tax as well.

Hell, what is Kiwi music any way?

Jeezus Wayne! Winnie the Pooh was right for once.

From Stuff:

"A former diplomat for Saddam Hussein's regime who had been seeking to live in New Zealand has been told to leave the country, Immigration Minister Paul Swain said today. "

I'm curious as to the existence of proof that he was part of Madam I'm Sadam's regime. Was he something sinister like an accountant? A bureaucrat? No he was a diplomat. What does that actually mean? Was he actually diplomatic or did he practice the Chemical Ali kind of diplomacy? Where was he a diplomat? Was he in the regime right to the end?

Did he actually support Saddam or was he scared and just did his job? Hell I'm starting to think I care about this... Maybe I should do more research. Did the dude (Hey - do they have camels spiders in Iraq?) come straight from Iraq to get here or did he get convicted for terrorism offences elsewhere first? I think I'm getting out of my depth here.....

On the surface of what was said in the Stuff article (I haven't looked elsewhere) it appears Winne hit this one right on the button - Swain is running scared and didn't want another Achmed Zaoui on his hands.

Or maybe I should just go home.


"The man was deemed unsuitable to remain in New Zealand, not because he was a security risk, but because he was a mouthpiece for Saddam's "oppressive regime", Mr Swain said. "

Well I guess that's a fair cop then.