Whoever stole Pania, u are fucking xxnts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Though plain to some folk
His folk crossed the cotton plains
Singing songs of a white man's fallen dreams
And a blackman's haunted screams

All he had was three chords and the truth
So he sang for the convicted when there was no guilty proof
And when the crowds did come and applause
The claps and the cheers lifted the roof

When hewas channelin' Chaplin
And spouting like Thomas
His songs come upon us
With wise words of livin'

The weekend that was: Special Edition – Saturday only.


 So like I was too hungover to make it to the train station in time to make the races on Sat so instead I placed some green ones in the ol' phone account and promptly lost them faster than I did at the Mantee's stag night at Licks…  


Makybe Diva dicked Xcellent in the Cox Plate and my only hope to make some pingers back is to hope Xcellent gets a good fast track on Melbourne Cup day.


No horse has ever one the Cup three times (I think – therefore I gamble) so I'd be surprised statistically if Makybe Diva gets close to winning it. Not that I'd be surprised if she did because she kicked some serious equine ass in the Cox.


The trauma of gambling dealt with Jaybee and I moved onto Electric Six at a straight, if slightly alternative, bar, the Indigo.....long evening story short they were pretty cool in their Miami Vice suits and Aviator glasses.


For some reason I thought they were gonna be camp as fuck/glam rockers but they were just ordinary dudes who sang songs about gay bars, dance commanders and public service announcement issues like unsafe wiring. The lead singer looked like Bam from jackass so go figure.


Their sound was impressive – their album sound is pretty unique and it was well captured live. It wasn't that loud but my ears are still ringing 4 days later. It wsn't like I was at a secret Shihad concert at the Valve or anything……


I only went to see them cos I was curious about them – the few singles I'd heard were pretty good and indeed these proved to be the best songs for me. Lots of the other stuff sounded a lil samey but worth the ride. The Queen cover was the only sing along of the night so perhaps a few punters were there out of curiosity as well. Or maybe they were just cool.


I think they did a fairly loose and wild cover of Pearl Jam's Sate of Love and Trust singing only the 'hey nanna nanna nanna' bits but I could be very wrong.

My favourite bureaucrat sayings that seem to be typical of many gummint employees


  • This project is going forward.
  • Hmmm this  sounds like front page of the Dom Post Material....   
  • Is it morning tea time yet?
  • I just had a call from a journalist panicking about……
  • I'll have to consult with legal before we can go forward.
  • Yes, Minister
  • Is it afternoon tea yet?
  • What no sausage rolls?
  • This meeting cannot go forward until the sausage rolls arrive.
  • What no sauce?

Random Saturday Ramble

So I'm like supposed to be out gambling with the lads at Trentham but I partook in way too many pilsners last night and so sleeped in and missed my train. Does this mean I'm going to save money? No way - that's what online gambling is for...

I must be a genetic thing cause my bro did exactly the same thing - slept in, missed his train and didn't make it either. I didn't even know he was gonna be there, and neither did he me. Wierd, had I known maybe i'd have made more effort to get there but at 8am when I was having a wee spit I felt like dying and so crawled back into bed.

8 paracetamol , 1 berocca type product, 1 V and a shower later the killer hangover is disapating. Thank crikey, I aint had one like this for ages. I probably only had like 10 beers as well - this over all about 8 hours. Maybe this is a sign of advancing years.... I hope not, i'm still a spring chicken really. Hmm breasts..maybe I'll have KFC for lunch.

So we're off and racing today with the Cox Plate - go Xcellent. Kick that Divas but and bring us home some Cox. Heh, JJ said cox.

And we're also off to see Electric Six tonight. Its gonna rock. Danger! Danger! High voltage! etc etc etc

Meh, bring on the quarter pack.

If you are confused, check with the sun

So like I'm da big REM fan and was listening to Green earlier… when I realised I'd misheard a lyric and I had done so like, forever. In the song Stand I thought the line was 'if fishes were trees, the trees would be falling". Kinda weird imagery but that's Micheal Stipe for you. He's always toying with weird word ideas and making interesting connections and juxapostions of ideas, even if you have no idea what he's on about.


The true line is 'if wishes were trees, the trees would be falling' which kinda makes more sense in the context of the song. I prefer my version any way…

I'll Have A Bacardi And Coke Please Myfannwy

I'll start off with saying this. Diet Coke is for girls. Even that Dayffd chap from Little Britain has real Coke.

Diet anything is for girls. Thus having maintained my man card carrying status I can continue….  


So like I've been trying to get my sticky fingers on 10 grand the easy way by consuming the liquid offerings of the world's worst teeth rotting, nail rusting, sugar craving sating brand, Coke. Or rather Diet Coke. Diet Coke is offering 10 grand on a credit card instantly if u find the right bottle cap. I figure I've drank more diet coke in the last week Steinlager tyring to win. Which is kinda hard to believe really…


Obviously I haven't won the 10 grand. I wouldn't be sitting here if I had. I'd be drinking Steinlager at the Feathers if I had. I type lots don't I?


So like are there other people out there who have switched from the  supersaturated with white death products of Coke and V products (me) to Diet Coke in the hope of a small matter of 10K like me? And if so is the reduction in sugar making me/them more healthy? Is Coke and my/NZers greed to win 10K ironically making us skinnier and therefore healthier? If so real real Coke should be banned. Or taxed. Hey! That's a great idea  Jimmy - lets tax all food that's bad for us....... *


That is of course only true if drinking diet coke is good for you in the first place. I have my doubts.


My usual breakfast is a V, and bless Frucor , its packed with 190kJ per 100 ml serving. Or 11.2g of carbohydrates  per 100ml which is all sugar (I think). Who needs soggy weet-bix when u can suck down on a V or Coke.  Today's nutritionless brekkie was Diet Coke, packing a pussy amount of 1.5kJ and 0.1g of carbs. Needless to say my intended effect of Diet Coke is shite and by 10am I went had had a proper teeth rotting V.

*Sarcasm intended to drip like a dog's mouth from that sentence.

Eggs, or How I learned to love cooking for one by J Muss.

So me picks on Friday for the weekendz sport and other incidents were way off. Notably I got the league very wrong.  Perhaps I should have gone all Nostrodamus like for yas all and said something like, 'A big black cloud will descend from the heavens and it will surround a southern city and the outcome will be far from certain in the final minute." Or something else. But I was right about the eggs eh?


Hell I can't even remember what was on the front of the Star Times – Another car crash victim and something about a kid driving a car after he was in an accident? Or was that the Herald on Sunday? Its hard to tell the diff, they are both shite yet I keep buying em. Can we have a Dom Post on Sunday Palleaseee?
NE Wayz  - not to trivialise – I'm from the Hawke's Bay and it DOES concern me that the young men folk are quite willing to go on blind dates with trees and not the fair lasses that are in abundance after the Blossom Festival. C'mon the Bay indeed.


Why do people say "Oh that Jimmy, that charmer, he's from the Hawke's Bay. Why is it the the in that question bugs me so? Meh. And why is the sea called Hawke Bay but the land is called Hawke's Bay. It's not even a bay. More of a delta? Or an alluvial plain, if you prefer…


The real question of the day though is, what happens in the Metro when a visitor from the Hawke's Bay is actually from the Hawke's Bay?
Damn, even I'm doing it now.

We don't like cricket, oh no! We love it!

So some random comment leaver left a snide comment about cricket. Well, like the Empire did, I'm striking back with an observation on the game at hand .

The World XI batting line-up – is this best team ever assembled in terms of averages? 6 of them have averages of over 50. 5 of those are over 54. Nine players of that team have at least two centuries to their name for a total of 126 centuries between them. Has that ever happened before? I'd email The Numbers Guy at Cricinfo but well that would be just too tryhard...


Oh - what about having three triple test centurions playing the in same line-up together? Surely that's never happened b4??....



Man I am so tired. Last night me and a dude we'll call Mr Tony Soprano decided  2 have a few beers at Blend. This slowly turned into a bender of brown beers. And when Jay Bee turned up it was game on. After hearing exciting number crunching stories from an accountant, drunken slurs from a design student who smelled like she'd puked her fair share of the free bubbly and an amusing police bust incident from a former cop we kicked on an visited a few bars round town - Vespa Lounge still does the best GLL in town.


LSS I am freakin tired. I don't think I have had more than 7 hours of sleep any night this week. Its not the late nights it's the early matins.  I have bags under my eyes bigger than Kirstie Alley. She might just be prettier, though it would be a tough call. She'd probably have to have a shave to make it certain.

Guess Q thinks they're Able

So I was looking at the teletext last night (no, that's not some fancy new 3G mobile fone product…) and I noted Oasis got a mention for winning the Q music Gong for Best Album. That's worth a fuck in the bushes I thought – in fact that's …Mega!

I note too, Levi was excited enuff to blog (just for me?) on it – some where). Shine on you crazy diamond. Or rather, slowly walk down the hall getting high on the lemonade of which your dreams are made while you slide away or just roll with it or … or something similarly paraphrasical. Yes, that's write Consumer Whore, I made up a word. Again. Incidentally, Fuck the Herald.

NE ways I mentioned somewhere on this lil blog that the album in Q(uestion) Don't Believe the Truth is a brilliant album. I don't need Q to tell me this but the confirmation that supposedly cool people out there know Oasis are still 'like a bomb' is somewhat heartening… considering most of you out there seem to hate Oasis… I bet the South Pacific Floral Wonder comments as such… or maybe not…

Our Kid's Big Big Brother was quoted as saying:

"It was a change to not get the token Live Act award for being able to play the guitar...Best Album, nice one."

Which is ironicish (there's another new word) cos Noel once said something like awards only matter if come from the fans. i.e. awards from the wanky music industry types itself don't count. But today is almost like, whatever. Geddit? Whatever? Levi will at least.

In accepting the ummm, glory? from such Q(uarters), maybe Noel is getting old and tiring of drinking Bonehead's supersonic gin and tonics. What's the story? I guess this is what happens when you stop taking drugs like they were 'a cup of tea in the morning'....

Daylight saving JJ Style.

It was a battle to get out of bed this am. After hitting the sleep button three hundred times I wondered why the fuck I couldn't wake up. I crawled out somehow.

After a shower and a shave I'm wandering down the hill in the freakin rain. I'm feeling half human but its quiet and there's no one around. I throw a rock in the air, I don't hit some1. Its like I'm Bruno Lawrence in the Quiet Earth or something. The freakin twilight zone is about to take effect or something. I half-pie expect my mouth to close over a la that show or a la Matrix ripp off. Where's all the peeps?

I get to the bus stop. There is life but not as I know it. A short woman with blonde hair stands shortly before me. Instead of the usual 30 peeps such as Lawyer Guy and Wonder Woman it's this stranger. What's that about stranger danger? Is there a plague I don't know about? I wonder. I'd talk to Blonde but she isn't offering sweeties and I'm afraid of catching Ebola or something that Dustan Hoffman can't cure in time for work.

I decide to buy a paper to see about the Black Death. The Dairy Dude says 'morning, JJ its a bit early for you isn't it?' I mutter something like 'glad ur alive bro'. And then the penny drops. So I pick up my change off the floor and wander outside.

Blonde is still there all by herself. The paper says nothing about the Black Death but there's a picture of Rachel Hunter in it so I suspect I could have woken up in Hell. Summoning bravery of Aslan like proportions I say,

'Morning dollface, what's the time?'
'Bout 6.15' shes says.
'Dam!' says I.

I was up 2 hours early.

Lessons Lerrrned in the Weekend: Epsiode ummm lets say se7enteen.

  • Englishmen are very good at darts and therefore must never be trusted
  • Steak is good for you. It cures cancer. Maybe it just goes well with beer.
  • Parties in Kilbirnie are not like parties in the CBD. No, not at all.
  • Cheap wine on an empty stomach makes for early to bed (Not that JJ did this of course, it was my friend).
  • Burger King is quite good for a hangover (Not that JJ had one of course, it was my friend).
  • Cinderella Man movie is quite good 2, if you believe in fairy tales…
  • Oh and Family Guy is back to its biting best…There you are…. Well Done.

That man deserves a DB.

So like some smart* chick has been running round some town claiming to be Tana Umaga's sister and duping a taxi company into free rides. U can find the story on the NZ Herald site and a cool picture of a python with eyes bigger than his head. I'd link but it's a hassle apparently...


Ne ways – this impersonation reminded me of a feeble I attempted about 3 or 4  years ago. JJ Murphy's bar had recently opened in Cuba Street. The usual and then recent Wellington immigrants/suspects and  I were there, lagered up, aled and ginned up, as usual. Probably barred up as well but that's another story.


So iizatdabar about to order a drink and I spy with my lil eye a certain tasty beverage beginning with the letter S.


Says I "A steiny thanks, mate"


The Good Barkeep "Sorry mate, we don't sell that here, JJ Murphy's is a DB bar we cannot sell Steinlager or Lion Products by contract. How about a Celtic Red?"


Says I "Yes yous all do – their there" and I points at 'em.


GB "Oh those are the owner's….."


SI "Well I'm the owner's son!"


GB "Yeah? What's your name then?"


SI "Murphy!"


Slightly bemused GB "Piss off mate!!!!"


SI "I'll have a Celtic Red, then thanks"


And that's the story. I guess you had to be there.

*till she got caught.

War of the Wombs

What follows is an aborted post that I gave up on. Interesting word that, aborted.


There's something wrong with the world today when u wake up to learn that Katie Holmes is preggers with Tom Cruise's Alien Baby. It takes everything I got to not throw up.  I feel we have been served some kind of social injustice. I mean like was it not destined that Katie is supposed to be with Dawson? Forever (Or was that Pasey?).
How does Nic feel about all this? How does Mimi? How do you? How does Mrs Cruz?


In some crazy way I feel Oprah owes us all big time for unleashing this madness.

More than meets the eye.

mirage transformer

I still remember my first Transformer fondly. I vaguely recall our on2it Grandparents bought them back from America for us kids. I got Mirage, the F1 racing car. He had a missile that actually fired and everything. He was better than that rat shit Ratchet Dave got anyway….heh!

Mirage was my pride and joy until I left him on the bedroom floor and mum stomped on him with her red leather boots, apparently an accident. Its funny, you always remember the tiniest details when tragedy occurs - those red boots where clearly made for stomping on a child's dreams anyway. I was gutted the police didn't take my call about a murder in the family more seriously. A heroic gluing attempt by my father turned Mirage into a paraplegic and he was never the same again.

'More than meets the eye' was the tagline for what are undeniably the best toys for boys ever. In the early days I wondered who this strange Morvan robot was and why I had never seen him. And what was the Eye? I wondered if that Autobot face logo was actually him. It wasn't until I got my first Transformers ice block that I saw it written down and understood.

But the Transformers spark never died. NZ caught up to America and the lil mofos where everywhere. TV, towels, T shirts and ice blocks and comics and colouring in books galore. It was consumer whoredom heaven for kiddies.
Xmas duly came and boy o boy hasbro toy did Santa deliver big time. I became the proud owner of Optimus Prime, Fearless Leader of the Autobots and thus the best transformer ever. (We soon after got a new cat, and that's right, I named him Optimus Prime. This was swiftly shortened to Oppie. Sad but true.)

I was, for once, the coolest kid in the street. David got Megatron, the evil opposite of Optimus. The battle for Cybertron was never fought so well than in our bedrooms and the sandpit which Oppie often shat in. That is until Dangerous Dave took Megatron to school one day. The Meg returned like he'd just had a bout of rough sex with a bull dozer. Game over, man, game over.

Then there was the Movie. Optimus Prime died in the first 10 minutes. What the fuck! This is a kids movie! You don't kill the heroes! Oh wait I see now…kill the leaders, present two new ones and thus force parents everywhere to buy the latest must haves for their deserving little angels and whoa! We're millionaires twice over….again.

So I may or may not have bought a certain movie starring Orsen Welles voicing a certain character called Unicron today but my point is … fuck I dunno...


She did say suck!

What he said, she said:

Le weekend dat was…


Had dinner at the White House with Jaybee and a gaggle of other well dressed belles and boys...I understand The Whore has a 2000 word review of said dinner in the works. I'll link to that epic when he posts it. Suffice to say dinner was worthy of an 'F.A.B. Virgil' or a 'cowabunga dude'.

I ate the Octopuss, Lamb and Sorbet. The Lamb was the best of the 3 choices.
I said puss....


Up early for the drive to the Bay – made it to Kelt Capital Day for the 3rd race. Some idiot forgot to pack the gin so I drank mum's Whiskey and Dave's Steinlager. Needless to say I didn't pick a winner till JB and I teamed up for successfully for the trifecta in the 9 th. And then scored the winner on the final race so not too bad a dent in the finances overall.

Xcellent, in winning the big race, freakin' flew home from behind at the last turn (ish) to burst out in front to impressively kick some equine ass. Kinda similar to Starcraft in ability in that respect – would love to see them match up! My trifecta pick in that race got 1 st, 3rd, and fuck all where.

Made it to Havelock North for a few (read lots) beers at the Loading Ramp – full of pissed 17 years olds in Artex and Moleskins and young lasses eager graduates of the school of slapperfication.

Felt like the oldest one there – but at least I had the hottest woman there! - that's an objective measure according to one horny 17 year old who asked if she was "saved for the evening'. Nice try kid.


After getting home at 3am ish slept all day till we drove home in the wind and rain.

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