Green Fingers and Keyboard Cleaners

We have people at work that come around to water the plants. They lovingly spray water over leaves, turn them to face the sun, check the pH level of the soil and then give them a quiet whisper of encouragement before moving to the next biomass.

 

A complete waste of taxpayer money.

 

Even more of a waste is the Keyboard Steriliser Technician. Lots of microbes and crumbs inhabit your key to cyberspace and beyond, don't ya know? Gotta get the grit out of the space round the space bar so that report on the regulation of widgets can get to the Minister safely and microbe free don't ya know?

 

Another complete waste of tax payer money.

 

Then there's the person who removes all the wastepaper I generate each day from my bin. I print reports. I print draft reports. I print, therefore I am. And then I pile it all in the bin.

 

God bless the bin emptier, a very productive use of taxpayer money. Without them my desk would be messy. Well, messier.

 

Of course, I could recycle but that bin is like a good 20 feet away from me.

Hmmm Dihydrogenoxide......

So like after Netball last night I had 3 beers to celebrate our win. They went straight to my head and I talked like a 14 girl on the telephone through 20/ 20. But its Feb tm and that means no more beer for Jimmy for the whole month of Feb. Yes Jimmy is taking a break from C₂ H₅OH,. "Hold the phone…" yells famous kiwi blog commentator Keith Quin, '…Planet JJ is disintegrating into a supernova of sobriety!!"

WTF4? you hip hop heads out dere may be asking. Well it's purely for selfish reasons. No detox. No early Lent sacrifice. No getting in tune with who I am. Its to save money for the new Xbox 360. Its that simple. My consumer needs must be appeased.

I'm gonna make an honest effort at saving some dosh – drinking water at bars rather than bingeing on beer will help the fund. Last year I did this and bought an ipod so fingers crossed the 360 will be mine!

I do note that its release is being delayed in the home of Makybe Diva so here's freakin hoping early March is still on for K1w1land.

In a strange karmic quasi quantimuminal mumbo jumbo time shit(f) Levi and his Miss M have decided to do this no drinking thing as well. On ya dudes, we can drink cups of tea with Charlie.

Meanwhile I'll continue to work on my playstation tan.

Totally About Betting

So like what a freakin good weekend!

 

Starting with a well earned Steinlager care of The Whore Chez Feathers (where I too claimed a 50 dollar tab, my 6 ^th  or 7^th?) then it was out to that Indian/Malaysian restuarant in Allen St (?) with The Mother, Mr C and Jay Bee. Brilliant tastes, good service and a splash of red thrown into the mix. Then to JJ's for a quick pint of the Celtic Red and some pool with Mo and Charlie Chicken.

 

Sat was Wellington Cup Day and that usually involves a cash injection to the TAB. Not so this time. A few minor collects on the first two races in the comfort of the member's lounge set up a seemingly cash rich day. But no! The lucky charms got swallowed by a lepercorn and the prime liquidity reserves took a small dent. Some outsider paying 75 bucks screwed every one in the 5 ^th I think with a 90K trifecta screaming home.

 

But wait! Before race two I placed I placed 5 $5 percentage trifectas on the next 5 races. The 6^th race paid off handsomely and I got 20 percent of a $400 trifecta so jimmy the highflying gambler was back.

 

How I picked the tri was with some fuzzy logic scrambled through a hazy look at the form guide on the train. I picked 'Boulevard of Dreams' cos It's a Green Day song, 'Willy Smith' cos he's the fresh prince, 'Mac Five' cause ne horse that can eat five big macs must be strong (and me Dad had it) and 'First Wind' cos fart jokes are always funny.   Don't hate me cos I'm flukey, hate me because it worked.

 

Chucked a few bob on Envoy and the golden day was mine when the Ice Man took Envoy wide from back of the field to win by a length or so. Kind of reminded me when Star Craft won a race prior to the Kelt Capital 2 years ago (being last at the turn, storming home in a big race).  That bet was a no brainer really – a well performed Melbourne Cup runner with good form. (My trifecta pick came in 1, 2, 5 and 6^th I think)

 

After a stinking, sweating, sulphuric train ride back into the CBD I had dinner with the Usual Suspects and wider crews to celebrate Mr and Mrs Manatee's respective birthdays. Went to The Flying Burrito Bros on Cuba St. Very tasty food, slightly overpriced, good service. Basically spent my winnings there on food and alchomol.

 

Then we all went and hired a Karoke room and went for it. I totally butchered 'Creep', ruined MC Hammers' 'Cant Touch This' and shouted myself hoarse in Eye of the Tiger with all the other mad punters. I hope Freddie Mercury will one day forgive us for the shambles that was Bohemian Rhapshody.

 

I left before the Bon Jovi came out and went for a boogie at The Establishment with JB. Its an over crowded sweat fest but the music's okayish if you're into that whole remix of retro 80s am radio hits thing.

 

And then I went home at 12am and watched the south park movie. Shut your face Uncle Fucker!

'Jesus was a black man, no, Jesus was Batman, no no no - that was Bruce Wayne!'

Hello Possums!

 

U know I've been b'arch bout Kanye West being the opening act for U2. So I'm a lil confused all of a sudden. I was under the impression that when he's wasn't acting as MacPhisto, Bono thinks he is god. I dunno if Kanye and Bono have given each other too many high fives, secret hand shakes or gold chains or  whatever but it now appears that Kanye thinks he part of the  Holly Trinity.

 

Great! Now we are getting two rock gods for the price of one....

NZ Music Charts - full of shite

So the top selling albums and singles for 2005 are out.

In an effort to prove how close minded I actually am - here’s some comments on them. Don’t hate me because I judge, judge me because I hate.

The top 20 selling albums for 2005:

1. Back To Bedlam – James Blunt

Chicks and mums love him so this explains everything. Over rated shite.

2. Based On A True Story – Fat Freddy's Drop
Saw them at gummint house a while back, they grooved something wicked. This kind of music is generally shit but they have pulled it off.

3. X&Y – Coldplay
This album is actually pretty damn good (but sooo clicheeeyed) – U2 wanna be guitarist but that’s prob why I like ‘em. Not as shite as we were expecting.

4. In Between Dreams – Jack Johnson
Same old, same old. I have an acoustic guitar, why aren't I famous? Cos I'm shite.

5. Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas
Anything that gets Fine Fergie in a red dress gets my vote. Oh, but the music's shite.

6. In Your Honor – Foo Fighters
Same old, same old. Cold day in the Sun was a good song. As is In the Clear.

7. Curtain Call: The Hits – Eminem
Yeah, Yeah, we heard ya the first time.

8. Odyssey – Hayley Westenra
Shite music from NZ’s angel

9. Breakaway– Kelly Clarkson
More shite.

10. Crazy Hits – Crazy Frog
This rocks! No sorry it was shite.

11. Demon Days – Gorillaz
Ur basic monkey turds.

12. American Idiot – Green Day

Ha about fucking time a great album made it. This is the best of the lot. American Idiot, ha that’s funny.

13. Songs About Jane – Maroon 5
Give me some fucking strength. Fuck you Jane, u inspired more shite

14. Love, Angel, Music, Baby – Gwen Stefani
She’s married to Gavin Rossdale so I give her a pass mark for being a hottie.

15. Trouble: Deluxe Edition – Akon
So sorry, this is more shite

16. Playground Battle – the feelers
Kiwi Battlers, some goods songs, lots a filler, some killer.

17. The Massacre – 50 Cent
Take me to the candyshop and burn it

18. Il Divo – Il Divo
Music for your mum. Shite, in other words

19. Ancora – Il Divo
More music for your mum. Shite, in other words

20. Birds – Bic Runga
Bless, this babe has it by the shite load

The top 20 selling singles for 2005:

1. Axel F – Crazy Frog on a snake
This is why I hate so many people. Ring Ring his neck

2. Das Kleine Krokodil – Schnappi
This is why I hate so many people. Makes me wanna pash steve urwin.

3. Moonshine – Savage feat. Akon, DawnRaid
Didn’t hear it, must be shit. In fact it is.

4. Popcorn – Crazy Frog
Some one kill the green runt please!

5. Don't Cha – The Pussycat Dolls
My girlfriend is hot so what’s yer point?

6. Let Me Love You – Mario
If he has to beg, he must be … shite.

7. Don't Phunk With My Heart – Black Eyed Peas
Heaven in a red dress.

8. Switch – Will Smith
Will, you didn’t shake the room.

9. Swing – Savage, DawnRaid
I like swings, but this is probably more shite. In fact I guarantee it would be if I listened to it.

10. Jingle Bells – Crazy Frog
Bless him, this lil fucker made it 3 times! Therefore he gets three barrels of lead shot.

11. Ghetto Gospel – 2Pac feat. Elton John
Tupac is dead u dumb runts.

12. Candy Shop – 50 Cent feat. Olivia
Suck my lolly pop fiddy.

13. Beautiful Soul – Jesse McCartney
Something for the tweens. I puke in your shoes Jessie.

14. Pon De Replay – Rihanna
Hmm Rhianna. More shite

15. Lonely – Akon
Quit moaning and join a club for high pitched folk. More shite

16. Big City Life – Mattafix
Well dis is kinda catchy…

17. 1, 2, Step – Ciara feat. Missy Elliott
She got the beats, her attitude is shite.

18. Feel Good Inc – Gorillaz
I got sunshine up my ass. More shite

19. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
Hmmm Bush.

20. Gold Digger – Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx
Fuck you Kayne. Ur are ruining my u2 anticipation build up.

In summary then. It's mostly all shite.

Random List of International Acts I’ve seen (excluding BDO)

A Random List of International Acts I’ve seen (excluding BDO)

Guns N Fucking Roses

Cranberries

Meatloaf

Coldplay

Live (twice)

Ben Harper

Jack Johnson

Incubus

White Stripes

Audioslave

Electric Six

REM

Oasis

Spiderbait

Super Jesus

Shins

Gerling
U2

Best was probably Audioslave, REM

Worst: Ben Harper

Boring, Dull and Old

So like could this year be the shittiest BDO main stage lineup ever?

Meg and Jack excluded of course.

Clearly, I'm not there. Metallica gets me there. Red Hot Chill Peppers, NIN and Foo Fighters get me there. Rammstein, Coldpay and Placebo. Not some old guy that sings about being a little dog or some over rated kiwi band that's played the main stage just about every fucking year.

Bring on U2. They do good lyrics.

Sport of the Geeks

So yeah I was absent from life yesterday due to a head to head collision whilst playing Ultimate Frisbee… my ear is still ringing and I feel a lil subdued 48 hours later. My colleagues are demanding I hand in my man card for not tuffing it out but lemme assure you, dear reader, while u were at work yesterday I was getting 12 hours sleep under a warm duvet and for this it would be worth it to hand in the card.

So Ultimate Frisbee, wtf was JJ doin playing that? Well filling in for a team that was short basically. Oh God - it is the sport of Lord of the Ring fans for sure. You know how horse racing is the Sport of Kings?  This is Sport of the Geeks. Its like all the tall pasty white guys and their fat girl friends have taken time out from their  Dungeons and Dragons sex fantasies and braved, you know, natural light, to throw round a pie dish.

I shouldn't really laugh 'cause sport is sport but I couldn't take these guys seriously. Very self important chaps they are. It seems to these guys that ultimate frisbee is more important than the latest Warcraft release, the next Star Trek episode and a JK Rowling reading of Harry and the Hendersons combined. "No the mark was there not there! (move 1 foot to left)  Oh I say does that count? Bravo Timmy, good pass, have some ginger beer.  This aint Quidiitch chaps this uuullltiimmattte friisbbeee! Look lively chaps, that one's flying faster than a Nazgul!"

This wasn't to say I was in a team of geeks myself – there were 5 of us as ring ins and we didn't know shit in terms of how to play but at the end of the day we only lost by 1 goal (or whatever the fuck it was called) which I think was pretty fair – if we were R2D2's, we pretty much went head to head with Lord Vader himself and came off fairly square. Oh dear! what have I become, geekily referencing star wars?!

In short I'm sticking to Indoor Netball. Now that's a man card carrying sport if I ever played one.

A story about an Alexander Graham Bell on the Dog and Bone

It is simple to sell things over the phone to my flatmate

[The Dog and Bone rings. Neuron Challenged Tony picks it up. ]

Neuron Challenged Tony: Hello? [longish pause] Hello? Hello?

Tony's guest: Wrong number dude?

Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a from Rodney Hide.

Tony's guest: So hang up.

Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a recorded message.

Tony's guest: You can't hang up on a recorded message?

Neuron Challenged Tony: If I disconnect up, it'll just be on my call minder and I'll have to hear it again. I might as well do it once now.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

So this is a classic moment from the movie 'Apocalypse Now'. Rupert Duval is playing Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore,  a psychotic man charged with leading the airborne calvary. In a brief battle, they have just taken a surf worthy beach off 'Charlie'.

 

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like ... victory. Someday this war's gonna end."

 

Well that's all fine and dandy but what if they had used beer bombs instead of napalm?

 

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Beer, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of beer in the morning. You know, one time we had beer bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I still walked upright. We didn't spill one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink beer. The smell, you know that hops smell, the whole ferment. Smelled like ... drunkness. Someday this hangover's gonna end." - Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore

Things I don’t care about and therefore ignore when shown on the 6 pm news

So like do you ever get pissed off when you watch the news? I hate how the eports are so superficial. I hate how the facts are so light on the ground. I hate the lack of proper context. What phucks me off the most is being treated like I have the intellegence of a guinea pig. When it all boils down, the news is good for covering catastrophes and sports results. Oh and shots of Pippa Wetzel.

Things I don’t care about and therefore ignore when shown on the 6 pm news


• Palenstein/Israel/Sharon/Suicidebombers

Any wars/grumbles/land squabbles caused by religions phuck me off. No one never wins battles for land unless you’re playing Risk. Who really care’s about two countries that give the world nothing but suicide bombers?

• George Bush is a bad guy rants

He spies, he reads kids books upside down, he falls of his bike, he chokes on pretzels. He’s just a man. He was elected by his people, fair and square (the second time round) so get over it. Dubious warmongering ethics aside, Iraq is probably a better place sans Madam Im Sadam.

• The Weather

The only reason to watch the weather is for Penelope Barr and she hasn’t graced the idiot box for years. The weather is just wasting my time before Shortland Street. Damn you Johnny Moronovich!

• Reports on reports from other newspapers

I don’t give a toss about what some hack journo in London thinks about some MPs latest sex fetish. I know its cool to have a sex fetish but I hate it when the kiwi reporter holds up the Guradian and says “blah blah confesses to wife he had sex with a hedgehog” and then makes a bad pun about the prickly issue.

• Tony Veitch

Enough said.

May the force be with you

When the cenus roles around we can now call ourselves Kiwis. At long freakin  last - Kudos to Stats NZ I reckon. I hate  filling in boxes 'Pakeha' or worse 'European'. I'm New Zealander plain and simple.  Sounds like public pressure from Kiwis has caused the change.. is this Stats NZ being politically correct?… still, nothing mentioned in the link about my religion of Jedi.

Party at Mary's Place Pt II

So now that we have firmly established why Dave Matthews is crapper than  rotting carp lets briefly discuss The Boss.  When I was cute and adorable at around aged 6 (that's sex for the aussie readers) The Boss was everywhere with 'Born In the USA'.  It had a cool riff, great chorus and it made you feel good to be an American, even if you a young kiwi from Hastings.

 

I guess a six year old can be forgiven for not realising the song was about a war veteran returning to his hometown and getting no where. Not sure if Ronald Regan could be though.

 

You couldn't escape The Boss then. He was on my am transistor. He was on fire. He was on the car on Sunday drives for ice creams (incidentally, I think I first heard GNR's Paradise City on one such trip). He lined my cousin's wall with his back to us.  He also discovered Courtney Cox but I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.

 

He was The Boss. Hell, he was so popular both Coke AND Pepsi probably sponsored him.

Party at Mary's Place.

So like I was watching The Boss Live in Barcelona (ola!) and I suddenly realised that Dave Mathews is the poor man's Bruce Springsteen.

 

There, I said it.

B.A.B.

Dear Readers will know that I like to b’arch bout busssssses. Well so does Peter. Heh, I said Peter.

Tana Smarnna

Tana Sshhmarna

Looked like the Predator
Out there on the wing
Bounding, bashing and breaking in Black
Doing his dreadlocked thing

Tries out wide
Deft passes on the inside
Tries up the middle
When he bust his knee the Nation cried

And then the grand slammer!
Fire wise and a Lion Tamer to boot
A true sportsman through and through
Hey Driscoll, about your shoulder, I aint giving two hoots
A round of beers for the Captain Fantastic who just handed in his boots!

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold - Stairway to Heaven Lyrics

No Stairway? Denied! Stair Way lyrics by Led Zeppelin
There's a myth running round town that musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover in store shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

Is this true? If so, that explains the 'No Stairway' rule in Wayne's World. Well, it doesn't really but it's still a cool story bro.

Anyways enough of that bollocks, here's the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin which was used to much mirth in the Wayne's World Movie.

Lyrics:

Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven.

Theres a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get
When I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

-

Stairway to Heaven has to be one of the most classic rock songs in the history of all rock songs. The lyrics are mysterious and brooding, in fact the lyrics could be about bloody anything. That's the beauty of fine song writing skills eh?

Late in the Day

It's late in the day and I want to go to out where the sun hits the sky. I'll probably hang with Lenny or perhaps Grace (she's so loose). We'll sit on the sofa, take some drugs and just lose it. We might pump up the stereo and drink all the booze till no one's moving. I'll wake with the hangover but that will be alright, its not like I've never done anything like that before.   

What's the word?

So in a very unsavoury incident I was today attacked by some penguins. I was near the ice box fridge thing at the local 'bowser' station. I needed ice for mohitos to which I have happily become addicted.

I reached in to grap some ice and the lil buggers flew(?) at me, pecking at my eyes. Sheilded by a $20 pair of sunnies from, errr, Glassons I fought the lil fuckers off with an umbrella I'd been using to block out those cheery summer cancer rays.

I killed 17 of the jolly fuckers before they knew they were beaten and meekly backed off to the potatoe chippy stand for some Blue Bird Chippies and some coke*.

Moral: Penguin strikes can occur at anytime so like a good boy scout be prepared.

* Both kinds

Another list...

Today's hangover cure.

1 Filet o Fish
1 V
2 Berroca
3 Stella
10 egg sandwhiches (ghost of Audrey lurking nearby.....)

I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic

So like I'm just about to crack into a cheap yet tasty red. So before the Banrock Blues kick I'll sum up Xmas and NY. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth so what you get is PG, kid friendly, jangley jangles. Oh fuck it, here's a list of what I sampled last night:


King Fisher
Corona (fucking tasteless piss if you ask me)
Steinlager (fucking tasteless piss if you ask others)
Gin
Strawberry Dakkerryzzzzzz
Chardonnay
Gin
Beer of undetermined origin (fucking tastless piss if you ask me)

I trust you can conclude how new years went....