Hmmm Dihydrogenoxide......

So like after Netball last night I had 3 beers to celebrate our win. They went straight to my head and I talked like a 14 girl on the telephone through 20/ 20. But its Feb tm and that means no more beer for Jimmy for the whole month of Feb. Yes Jimmy is taking a break from C2 H5OH,. "Hold the phone…" yells famous kiwi blog commentator Keith Quin, '…Planet JJ is disintegrating into a supernova of sobriety!!"

WTF4? you hip hop heads out dere may be asking. Well it's purely for selfish reasons. No detox. No early Lent sacrifice. No getting in tune with who I am. Its to save money for the new Xbox 360. Its that simple. My consumer needs must be appeased.

I'm gonna make an honest effort at saving some dosh – drinking water at bars rather than bingeing on beer will help the fund. Last year I did this and bought an ipod so fingers crossed the 360 will be mine!

I do note that its release is being delayed in the home of Makybe Diva so here's freakin hoping early March is still on for K1w1land.

In a strange karmic quasi quantimuminal mumbo jumbo time shit(f) Levi and his Miss M have decided to do this no drinking thing as well. On ya dudes, we can drink cups of tea with Charlie.
Meanwhile I'll continue to work on my playstation tan.

Totally About Betting

So like what a freakin good weekend!

Starting with a well earned Steinlager care of The Whore Chez Feathers (where I too claimed a 50 dollar tab, my 6 th  or 7th?) then it was out to that Indian/Malaysian restuarant in Allen St (?) with The Mother, Mr C and Jay Bee. Brilliant tastes, good service and a splash of red thrown into the mix. Then to JJ's for a quick pint of the Celtic Red and some pool with Mo and Charlie Chicken.

Sat was Wellington Cup Day and that usually involves a cash injection to the TAB. Not so this time. A few minor collects on the first two races in the comfort of the member's lounge set up a seemingly cash rich day. But no! The lucky charms got swallowed by a lepercorn and the prime liquidity reserves took a small dent. Some outsider paying 75 bucks screwed every one in the 5 th I think with a 90K trifecta screaming home.

But wait! Before race two I placed I placed 5 $5 percentage trifectas on the next 5 races. The 6th race paid off handsomely and I got 20 percent of a $400 trifecta so jimmy the highflying gambler was back.

How I picked the tri was with some fuzzy logic scrambled through a hazy look at the form guide on the train. I picked 'Boulevard of Dreams' cos It's a Green Day song, 'Willy Smith' cos he's the fresh prince, 'Mac Five' cause ne horse that can eat five big macs must be strong (and me Dad had it) and 'First Wind' cos fart jokes are always funny.   Don't hate me cos I'm flukey, hate me because it worked.

Chucked a few bob on Envoy and the golden day was mine when the Ice Man took Envoy wide from back of the field to win by a length or so. Kind of reminded me when Star Craft won a race prior to the Kelt Capital 2 years ago (being last at the turn, storming home in a big race).  That bet was a no brainer really – a well performed Melbourne Cup runner with good form. (My trifecta pick came in 1, 2, 5 and 6th I think)

After a stinking, sweating, sulphuric train ride back into the CBD I had dinner with the Usual Suspects and wider crews to celebrate Mr and Mrs Manatee's respective birthdays. Went to The Flying Burrito Bros on Cuba St. Very tasty food, slightly overpriced, good service. Basically spent my winnings there on food and alchomol.

Then we all went and hired a Karoke room and went for it. I totally butchered 'Creep', ruined MC Hammers' 'Cant Touch This' and shouted myself hoarse in Eye of the Tiger with all the other mad punters. I hope Freddie Mercury will one day forgive us for the shambles that was Bohemian Rhapshody.

I left before the Bon Jovi came out and went for a boogie at The Establishment with JB. Its an over crowded sweat fest but the music's okayish if you're into that whole remix of retro 80s am radio hits thing.

And then I went home at 12am and watched the south park movie. Shut your face Uncle Fucker!

Sport of the Geeks

So yeah I was absent from life yesterday due to a head to head collision whilst playing Ultimate Frisbee… my ear is still ringing and I feel a lil subdued 48 hours later. My colleagues are demanding I hand in my man card for not tuffing it out but lemme assure you, dear reader, while u were at work yesterday I was getting 12 hours sleep under a warm duvet and for this it would be worth it to hand in the card.

So Ultimate Frisbee, wtf was JJ doin playing that? Well filling in for a team that was short basically. Oh God - it is the sport of Lord of the Ring fans for sure. 

You know how horse racing is the Sport of Kings?  This is Sport of the Geeks. Its like all the tall pasty white guys and their fat girl friends have taken time out from their  Dungeons and Dragons sex fantasies and braved, you know, natural light, to throw round a pie dish.

I shouldn't really laugh 'cause sport is sport but I couldn't take these guys seriously. Very self important chaps they are. It seems to these guys that ultimate frisbee is more important than the latest Warcraft release, the next Star Trek episode and a JK Rowling reading of Harry and the Hendersons combined. "No the mark was there not there! (move 1 foot to left)  Oh I say does that count? 

Bravo Timmy, good pass, have some ginger beer.  This aint Quidiitch chaps this uuullltiimmattte friisbbeee! Look lively chaps, that one's flying faster than a Nazgul!"

This wasn't to say I was in a team of geeks myself – there were 5 of us as ring ins and we didn't know shit in terms of how to play but at the end of the day we only lost by 1 goal (or whatever the fuck it was called) which I think was pretty fair – if we were R2D2's, we pretty much went head to head with Sith Lord Darth Vader himself and came off fairly square. Oh dear! what have I become, geekily referencing star wars?!

In short I'm sticking to Indoor Netball. Now that's a man card carrying sport if I ever played one.

A story about an Alexander Graham Bell on the Dog and Bone

It is simple to sell things over the phone to my flatmate

[The Dog and Bone rings. Neuron Challenged Tony picks it up. ]

Neuron Challenged Tony: Hello? [longish pause] Hello? Hello?

Tony's guest: Wrong number dude?

Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a from Rodney Hide.

Tony's guest: So hang up.

Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a recorded message.

Tony's guest: You can't hang up on a recorded message?

Neuron Challenged Tony: If I disconnect up, it'll just be on my call minder and I'll have to hear it again. I might as well do it once now.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

So this is a classic moment from the movie 'Apocalypse Now'. Robert Duvall is playing Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore,  a psychotic man charged with leading the 'airborne calvary'. In a brief battle, they have just taken a surf worthy beach off 'Charlie'. Kilgore gives one of the most famous quotes in film history:

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like ... victory. Someday this war's gonna end."
Well that's all fine and dandy but what if they had used beer bombs instead of napalm?

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Beer, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of beer in the morning. You know, one time we had beer bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I still walked upright. We didn't spill one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink beer. The smell, you know that hops smell, the whole ferment. Smelled like ... drunkness. Someday this hangover's gonna end." - Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore

Things I don’t care about and therefore ignore when shown on the 6 pm news

So like do you ever get pissed off when you watch the news? I hate how the eports are so superficial. I hate how the facts are so light on the ground. I hate the lack of proper context. What phucks me off the most is being treated like I have the intellegence of a guinea pig. When it all boils down, the news is good for covering catastrophes and sports results. Oh and shots of Pippa Wetzel.

Things I don’t care about and therefore ignore when shown on the 6 pm news

• Palenstein/Israel/Sharon/Suicidebombers

Any wars/grumbles/land squabbles caused by religions phuck me off. No one never wins battles for land unless you’re playing Risk. Who really care’s about two countries that give the world nothing but suicide bombers?

• George Bush is a bad guy rants

He spies, he reads kids books upside down, he falls of his bike, he chokes on pretzels. He’s just a man. He was elected by his people, fair and square (the second time round) so get over it. Dubious warmongering ethics aside, Iraq is probably a better place sans Madam Im Sadam.

• The Weather

The only reason to watch the weather is for Penelope Barr and she hasn’t graced the idiot box for years. The weather is just wasting my time before Shortland Street. Damn you Johnny Moronovich!

• Reports on reports from other newspapers

I don’t give a toss about what some hack journo in London thinks about some MPs latest sex fetish. I know its cool to have a sex fetish but I hate it when the kiwi reporter holds up the Guradian and says “blah blah confesses to wife he had sex with a hedgehog” and then makes a bad pun about the prickly issue.

• Tony Veitch

Enough said.

May the force be with you

When the cenus roles around we can now call ourselves Kiwis. At long freakin  last - Kudos to Stats NZ I reckon. I hate  filling in boxes 'Pakeha' or worse 'European'. I'm New Zealander plain and simple.  Sounds like public pressure from Kiwis has caused the change.. is this Stats NZ being politically correct?… still, nothing mentioned in the link about my religion of Jedi.

Party at Mary's Place Pt II

So now that we have firmly established why Dave Matthews is crapper than  rotting carp lets briefly discuss The Boss.  When I was cute and adorable at around aged 6 (that's sex for the aussie readers) The Boss was everywhere with 'Born In the USA'.  It had a cool riff, great chorus and it made you feel good to be an American, even if you a young kiwi from Hastings.


I guess a six year old can be forgiven for not realising the song was about a war veteran returning to his hometown and getting no where. Not sure if Ronald Regan could be though.


You couldn't escape The Boss then. He was on my am transistor. He was on fire. He was on the car on Sunday drives for ice creams (incidentally, I think I first heard GNR's Paradise City on one such trip). He lined my cousin's wall with his back to us.  He also discovered Courtney Cox but I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.


He was The Boss. Hell, he was so popular both Coke AND Pepsi probably sponsored him.

Party at Mary's Place.

So like I was watching The Boss Live in Barcelona (ola!) and I suddenly realised that Dave Mathews is the poor man's Bruce Springsteen.
There, I said it.


Dear Readers will know that I like to b’arch bout busssssses. Well so does Peter. Heh, I said Peter.

Tana Smarnna

Tana Sshhmarna

Looked like the Predator
Out there on the wing
Bounding, bashing and breaking in Black
Doing his dreadlocked thing

Tries out wide
Deft passes on the inside
Tries up the middle
When he bust his knee the Nation cried

And then the grand slammer!
Fire wise and a Lion Tamer to boot
A true sportsman through and through
Hey Driscoll, about your shoulder, I aint giving two hoots
A round of beers for the Captain Fantastic who just handed in his boots!

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold - Stairway to Heaven Lyrics

No Stairway? Denied! Stair Way lyrics by Led Zeppelin

There's a myth running round town that musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover in store shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

Is this true? If so, that explains the 'No Stairway' rule in Wayne's World. Well, it doesn't really but it's still a cool story bro.

Anyways enough of that bollocks, here's the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin which was used to much mirth in the Wayne's World Movie.


Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven.

Theres a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get
When I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.


Stairway to Heaven has to be one of the most classic rock songs in the history of all rock songs. The lyrics are mysterious and brooding, in fact the lyrics could be about bloody anything. That's the beauty of fine song writing skills eh?

Late in the Day

It's late in the day and I want to go to out where the sun hits the sky. I'll probably hang with Lenny or perhaps Grace (she's so loose). We'll sit on the sofa, take some drugs and just lose it. We might pump up the stereo and drink all the booze till no one's moving. I'll wake with the hangover but that will be alright, its not like I've never done anything like that before.   

What's the word?

So in a very unsavoury incident I was today attacked by some penguins. I was near the ice box fridge thing at the local 'bowser' station. I needed ice for mohitos to which I have happily become addicted.

I reached in to grap some ice and the lil buggers flew(?) at me, pecking at my eyes. Sheilded by a $20 pair of sunnies from, errr, Glassons I fought the lil fuckers off with an umbrella I'd been using to block out those cheery summer cancer rays.

I killed 17 of the jolly fuckers before they knew they were beaten and meekly backed off to the potatoe chippy stand for some Blue Bird Chippies and some coke*.

Moral: Penguin strikes can occur at anytime so like a good boy scout be prepared.

* Both kinds

Another list...

Today's hangover cure.

1 Filet o Fish
1 V
2 Berroca
3 Stella
10 egg sandwhiches (ghost of Audrey lurking nearby.....)