You know how horse racing is the Sport of Kings? This is Sport of the Geeks. Its like all the tall pasty white guys and their fat girl friends have taken time out from their Dungeons and Dragons sex fantasies and braved, you know, natural light, to throw round a pie dish.
Bravo Timmy, good pass, have some ginger beer. This aint Quidiitch chaps this uuullltiimmattte friisbbeee! Look lively chaps, that one's flying faster than a Nazgul!"
[The Dog and Bone rings. Neuron Challenged Tony picks it up. ]
Neuron Challenged Tony: Hello? [longish pause] Hello? Hello?
Tony's guest: Wrong number dude?
Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a from Rodney Hide.
Tony's guest: So hang up.
Neuron Challenged Tony: It's a recorded message.
Tony's guest: You can't hang up on a recorded message?
Neuron Challenged Tony: If I disconnect up, it'll just be on my call minder and I'll have to hear it again. I might as well do it once now.
Things I don’t care about and therefore ignore when shown on the 6 pm news
Any wars/grumbles/land squabbles caused by religions phuck me off. No one never wins battles for land unless you’re playing Risk. Who really care’s about two countries that give the world nothing but suicide bombers?
• George Bush is a bad guy rants
He spies, he reads kids books upside down, he falls of his bike, he chokes on pretzels. He’s just a man. He was elected by his people, fair and square (the second time round) so get over it. Dubious warmongering ethics aside, Iraq is probably a better place sans Madam Im Sadam.
• The Weather
The only reason to watch the weather is for Penelope Barr and she hasn’t graced the idiot box for years. The weather is just wasting my time before Shortland Street. Damn you Johnny Moronovich!
• Reports on reports from other newspapers
I don’t give a toss about what some hack journo in London thinks about some MPs latest sex fetish. I know its cool to have a sex fetish but I hate it when the kiwi reporter holds up the Guradian and says “blah blah confesses to wife he had sex with a hedgehog” and then makes a bad pun about the prickly issue.
• Tony Veitch
So now that we have firmly established why Dave Matthews is crapper than rotting carp lets briefly discuss The Boss. When I was cute and adorable at around aged 6 (that's sex for the aussie readers) The Boss was everywhere with 'Born In the USA'. It had a cool riff, great chorus and it made you feel good to be an American, even if you a young kiwi from Hastings.
I guess a six year old can be forgiven for not realising the song was about a war veteran returning to his hometown and getting no where. Not sure if Ronald Regan could be though.
You couldn't escape The Boss then. He was on my am transistor. He was on fire. He was on the car on Sunday drives for ice creams (incidentally, I think I first heard GNR's Paradise City on one such trip). He lined my cousin's wall with his back to us. He also discovered Courtney Cox but I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not.
He was The Boss. Hell, he was so popular both Coke AND Pepsi probably sponsored him.
Looked like the Predator
Out there on the wing
Bounding, bashing and breaking in Black
Doing his dreadlocked thing
Tries out wide
Deft passes on the inside
Tries up the middle
When he bust his knee the Nation cried
And then the grand slammer!
Fire wise and a Lion Tamer to boot
A true sportsman through and through
Hey Driscoll, about your shoulder, I aint giving two hoots
A round of beers for the Captain Fantastic who just handed in his boots!
No Stairway? Denied! Stair Way lyrics by Led Zeppelin
There's a myth running round town that musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover in store shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".
Is this true? If so, that explains the 'No Stairway' rule in Wayne's World. Well, it doesn't really but it's still a cool story bro.
Anyways enough of that bollocks, here's the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin which was used to much mirth in the Wayne's World Movie.
Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven.
Theres a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.
There's a feeling I get
When I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.
And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.
If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.
Your head is humming and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.
Stairway to Heaven has to be one of the most classic rock songs in the history of all rock songs. The lyrics are mysterious and brooding, in fact the lyrics could be about bloody anything. That's the beauty of fine song writing skills eh?
It's late in the day and I want to go to out where the sun hits the sky. I'll probably hang with Lenny or perhaps Grace (she's so loose). We'll sit on the sofa, take some drugs and just lose it. We might pump up the stereo and drink all the booze till no one's moving. I'll wake with the hangover but that will be alright, its not like I've never done anything like that before.
I reached in to grap some ice and the lil buggers flew(?) at me, pecking at my eyes. Sheilded by a $20 pair of sunnies from, errr, Glassons I fought the lil fuckers off with an umbrella I'd been using to block out those cheery summer cancer rays.
I killed 17 of the jolly fuckers before they knew they were beaten and meekly backed off to the potatoe chippy stand for some Blue Bird Chippies and some coke*.
Moral: Penguin strikes can occur at anytime so like a good boy scout be prepared.
* Both kinds