Your place or mine?

I am a puzzled consumer. Is it my imagine or did Vodafone's free text weekends used to start at 7pm on friday and go to midnight sunday? I got a txt from them saying fee txt weekends extended to later this year and the timing was midnight friday  to sunday midnight? Has vodafone screwed me once more a la raising the price of international txts? As much as I love getting screwed, I don't apprieciate paying for it in this fashion.

 

Can anyone help out this cellularly challenged chap? Cheers.

Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind.

So Superman Returns eh? Its both good bad and ugly.

It's good in that it has Superman doing his superman thing, rescuing damsels, prevent disasters and juggling er… giant steel balls. It has some  F.A.B.  references to the back catalogue of comics/films/baseballs/whatever/mythology. It looks good and all too. Supes flys like he ought a – effortlessly. I loved these bits of the movie.

But I'm going to focus on the BAD because fan boys love to bitch a about great movies…. Supposedly.

BAD:

The ending of Superman II has Supes make Lois Lane FORGET she knows he is Clark and I thought, that she loved him and Superman too and forget all their adventures including doing the wild thing in the Fortress of Solitude. … so I don't understand why Lois is still in love with Superman when he returns from his 5 years in space doing his own NASA space exploration programme…. I could be wrong on this point though….

Lois Lane was shite. She was a poor casting. She is an UGLY hoe. She cant hardly act. I was crushed. There I said it. What a freaking waste of my time. I didn't buy the love and I didn't believe the tenacity she supposedly has as a reporter. The whole time I was going are you KIDDING me? Where's Margot?  And she supposedly can survive being bashed about in a plane crash and not have one freaking bruise to her face. The beating she took would have made Christopher Reeves thankful he only ended up in a wheel chair, it was that bad. Yet she can walk.

Kevin Spacey – not one time did I believe he was evil. Waste of my time therefore. His EVIL plan was LAME. Lex Luthor is Stuck on Stupid.  The whole evilness plot was shite. Woo woo! Lets use Kryptonite to kill superman. Again. Give me a break. It made the movie pointless and so I was reduced to following the references and nods to what had been before and the following the supposed love story which I hardly bought. How could you love someone that ugly? At least the kid was cute.

We all know Superman can reverse time. Why the hell doesn't he do this and just kill Lex when he is a baby? MEH! As to the Superman man portrayal by Boredom Routh I can some it up like this "Yeah Honey, I had sex with her but it didn't mean a thing. I was thinking of you the whole time!"

Jimmy Olsen. Fuck what a drip. Nuf said.

That dead guy from Xmen. What a drip. Nuff said. He and Jimmy should start a family.

In short, the best acting was from Marlon Brando and he's dead. At least in the real world Mystique nude is smokin hot.

Okay I've b'arched more that I meant too. Suffice to say as a big fan I'm disappointed but at the same time pretty happy to have seen the red cape fly once more.

You've got me? Who's got you?*

Tonight I'm seeing Superman Returns. I am seriously as excited as the time George Gordon's older brother took both of us to see Superman III when I was about 6. I remember it being the coolest movie in the word. That is until Return of the Jedi came along. Wicket was so cute.....

*Yes, I realise that's from the first one.

Remember Once Were Warriors and when Uncle fucking Bully got his comeuppance?

 

Exactly.

The weekend dart wooze. Part who the kcuf knows any more?

Ø        Fryday: Spent the day in Auckland, work related. Flew home, and boy, were my arms were tired..

Ø       Small party chez moi. Speights with Mates and a dog called Frank.

Ø       Sat. Slept in. Bliss. Xmen 3. Good but a bit light on the finale. Rogue… Good Job! B'arch. Amen.

Ø       Had the Usual Suspects round for Fun with Dick and Jane. Watched a Jimmy Carey movie too.

Ø       Son. Slept in. Bliss. Hello Halo. Went for a wander round the water front.

Ø       Fretted about whether Superman would be any good. It will be.

Ø       Had self realisation I am possibly a geek. Sew what. u read geek blogs!

 

The end. Amen.

What would Paris Hilton Do?

So like if you're ever hosting people at your house and would like to liven things up, ask a female vegetarian whether, if there was a gun pointed at their pet rabbit's head and in order to save its precious cute itty bitty hide would you cook a budgie or a little dog in the microwave ala Gremlins style?

Trust me, its a killer!

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".

Zakk Wlyde is the guitar god.

 

There endeth the lesson.

You can't keep a good Master Chief down for long?

Bonsoir. I am in bed spitting great grey green greasy spit balls into tissues. Yep, its time for JJ to go all nancy boy and spend the day in bed, too weak to do anything. Just pathetic really.

So the Young and the Hungry are

Butt Ugly.

What a hideous line up of ugly people! Well at least Mr Chris has a nice guitar....

No seriously, its a nice guitar.

NE ways as per the whore's exhortions Jay Bee and I went and had the pleasure of seeing some fine young talent put on "Butt Ugly". There were laughs, there were tears, (not mine, I'm too manly for that carry on), in jokes, snide references and beastly puns about braces. Just beastly!

The premise it the ugly 7th formers (17 years olds) at school form a gang to rid the world of its bad attitude to people who look like mingers and get them to use mingers in advertising rather than hot bods, babes and bikinis.

NE ways the acting was lively, not too cliched but at times deliciously deliberately cliched. The characters are based on classic stereotypes such as the fat kid, the ginga, the geek and the short kid etc vs the shool yard jock. Top marks to the actors, spesh the geek girl. They were well rehearsed and and quite tight.

Thematically, its pretty light with angry kids vs mean kid issues prevalent in many american films - think Clueless but without Cher, but its conclusion wraps well with a subtle touch on an issue all too common to young people. I'd tell ya what it was but that would ruin the very slight twist at the end, suffice to say good luck with your exams.

Now Mr Chris is probably going what about the music!! Was it good it good or was it brilliant. Yes. In a teenage dirt bag, I play rock guitar in front of the miror kind of way. But fuck, who really listens to Iron Maiden these days? Great James Bond riff by the way. The Animal drummer was bang on (yes, beastly pun intended)and the key boards were played perfectly zanily. I wouldn't buy the soundtrack but I might drink a beer to it!!

The young crowd was quite amusing - we laughed a fair whack - a lot of them appeared to be friends of the actors and musicians (my connection - Mr Chris links to this humble (ha! - Ed) blog) and so they sort of cheered their mates a bit too much at seemingly wrong times, but you can't really knock enthusiasm eh? As I figure it, this whole exercise is about promoting young talent so just roll with it eh Jimmy?

My fave line of the play was when Mr Chris' bad cop character asked the fat kid if she ate the kid that was missing. Beastly, just beastly.

All in all I'd give Butt Ugly an honest 7.99 / 10.

The Holly Would Child

The Holly Would child
Is a baby gone wild
She cuts her cake an eats it too
Looking for Heaven she knocked on the wrong door
Repented to late
Her highway to hell had already been dialled

Enough of photogenic power
Bring on the industrial strength sleaze
Videos of her in the shower
Down on her knees
Begging, crying, dying to appease.

No slouch on the casting couch
Her mother was appalled
At the guys she balled
Daddy was aghast as she posed thick and fast

Her body borne sins
Grant her lottery wins
The Cash Cow looks no gift horse in the mouth
She's cashing up before her assets drift south.

Why I hate bus drivers pt Will I ever stop?

So like Lambton Quay ce soir. A girl is getting on the bus before me. She is about 12 and looks it. She tells the driver two sections. He prints a ticket and she gives him the money. She takes her ticket and walks off. The driver counts the money "HEYYYYYY did you want a child fare? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME I'M NOT A MINDREADER YOU KNOW!"

"Umm yes" is the meek reply

"Gosh now I HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR TICKET GRRR!!"

I'm thinking what a prick, she's just a kid and looks it. Its obvious she should have been given the ticket at the child fare rate.

From behind me a rather confident voice goes "and a smile while you're at it would be nice", making it clear the driver was indeed a prick.

"It's not my job to smile" the prick replies, not looking up. The girl moves on.

So its my turn for the ticket purchase. Feeling like a smarmy bastard I put ten 20 cent pieces in the tray for coinage. That's enough for a two section fare.

"well how many sections then? he says

Feeling confident after the jibe from the guy behind me, I say as snarky as possible "Why don't you count it and figure it out?"

The best bus driver since Sandra Bullock sighs heavily, bangs the machine and pops out a ticket without counting the shrapnel. I grab the ticket and sit down. The guy behind me walks past, gives me a wink and moves on by.

JJ's site of the week:

Bonowatch

Transpower has apologised for the power cut...

La WeekENZ dat was, aight? Version 9.999 betamax

So like I wore me Wellingtons to work today cos of the rain. I wish I had of stayed in bed, all nice and warm. Instead it's shit house. At least I don't live in Jafa Land…. Ne wayz for your viewing pleasure I bring La WeekENZ dat was, aight? Version 9.999 betamax

 

Ø       Beer. Feathers. Pool. Malt House. Hmm I love TGIFs.

Ø       Sleep in. Hell yes. But No. Denied. Mrs Mannix rang. Help! I'm locked IN my house !! Queue manliness to rescue fair maiden from her own house.

Ø       Watched the Ali G movie. Walked round telling everyone they were batty boys and/or  mingers for next 48 hours. Ya minger. Keep it real.

Ø       Stay Classy Sandiego

Ø       Moved a fridge. Fridges are heavy mothers when going upstairs. Result – Jimmy has a beer fridge. Beertastic. Burp.

Ø       When to Place Makers. Didn't buy anything but still felt manly.

Ø       Went to the dump. Threw a vacuum cleaner at some concrete. Felt manly.

 

 

So shout out to the bitches' keepin it real on the west staines massive!!  Aight? Booaaacashhhaaa. Respect. For Real. etc etc. Add in your own cliche here. What you looking at minger? You want a piece of this? Go lay a brick.

Whaddayathinkabouthatgrandma?

By the Way

So like I haven't played guitar for three days and I'm getting cranky. I think I have forgotten what the Am chord is. Speaking of chords what's the dilly with this who haa about The Red Hot Chilli Peppers'  'Dani California'  ripping of Tom Petty's Last Dance for Mary Jane ?

Sure the intro chords are similiar but you can steal chords....  its all about how you play them innit?? Feck - how many songs go D A G in the chrous? A fucking million !! But the phrasing...? well that could be interesting...That is all. Get back to your bloody submissions / seditious activities.

We Will Rock You.

These are kind of Mondays even Bob Geldolf must surely like. Paid days off. Cheers Elizabeth.

Speaking of our Queen, congratulations to me best mate's mum from school days, Mrs Barry (as I called her for years), who recieved the Queen's Service Medal for Services to Music.

As Ali G might say "Mrs Barry got the def beats y'all. Respect. Peace"

-

What about Saturday's run from Georgeous George eh? Brisbane Cup next monday eh? The Rooster reckons he's the next Bonecrusher....eh? might clean out the ol tab account eh?

From our man in The Land of the Dingo Baby Stealers

Aussie Butt Busters. Sounds like a cracker of a porn movie!

 

-

 

On a matter 'Honey don't think' by Grant Lee Buffalo is a great song. Word. Drow.

'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

Apparently these are some quotes from the Super 14 this year... they seem so dumb to be true....   check out the Chris Masoe one. He really must be a DF.

-

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Rodney So'ialo - Hurricanes - on University
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach
Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito
Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker.
David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'
David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.
"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)
"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)
"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Murray Mexted)
"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."(Anton Oliver)
"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)
Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what ?"
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Murray Mexted)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Murray Mexted)