Jimmy Jangles adds man points to his Man Card

So remember how I blogged how the Manatee paid an electrician to change a light bulb? Well the washing machine decided to commit some form of hurry curry after Jay Bee's 16th wash this week. It refused to drain the water after the cycle.

Well I refuse to pay for a fix it man to come round till I have had a chance to make sure it is completely fucked.

So the washing machine is full of water on the top floor of a 2 story house. I shoplifted a hose from the Warehouse ($8.99, would have been a bargain!) and use it to siphon the water out the window. Who knew gravity could be so helpful? (Newton - Ed)

Then I up-ended the washer and removed the panel. And there was a fucking green flannel in there! How the hell it got in there, only the God of Washers and Plungers knows. The flanel had decided it was in love with the spinny thing attached to pump thingy.

Careful adherence to the theory of 'if it doubt give it clout' freed the part. The 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th washes of the week quickly followed. The universe was quickly restored to its normal working order.

For my troubles I got a freshly made batch of cheese scones... pay for a lightbulb change indeed.

Porgy and Bess on a Plane Review

So this weekend I went and saw Porgy and Bess and Snakes On a Plane. I was a little bit tired so you'll excuse me if I get a little messed up with the reviews.

 

There was this bad ass bible quoting black guy lets call him, Mr Samuel L. Jackson, who was afraid of snakes. Or was it flying? Ne way he wants to go surfing in Bali and to hide from the mob so he takes his girlfriend Bess along for the ride. She is a fat slut and likes to take drugs and drinks more than Nicholas Cage did in Leaving Las Vegas. Ne way Porgy is jealous and puts some motherfucking snakes on the mother fucking planes. He's 'had it', you see. These snakes take some of  Bess' magic candy dust drugs and get all 'high and mighty' like a sunday choir choir and eat some people because they taste like Chicken.

 

Samuel sings a song about 'Snakes in the Summertime'. In the end he is left with 'plenty of nutting' but snake bites on his ass. Bess eats a giant anaconda and horse because she is so fat. Porgy is a cripple so keeps one of snakes to be a pet sleigh ride. He got bit in the eye and is now a blind cripple. The plane landed in the Promised Land of Casinos whereapon Porgy claimed "bess you is my snake charmer now".

 

And they ate some catfish and washed it down with a tasty beverage.

 

I think that's how it went.

Who ate all the pies? Inzamam you fat bastard

Levi said I should do more poems.

 

-

Inzamam-ul-Haq

You fat cheating fuck

Pie eater and hairy bleater

You should play with Murali

Another cheater, who likes to chuck

 

Don't be hiding in your dressing room

Woe and betiding like an anxious bridal groom

Men get on with it

There's the ball, now go hit it

 

When Hair lifted the bails

It was there your reputation failed

Poor sport

There is no retort

Despite your whinny wails

What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot, you racist

We Care Alot - Lyrics by Faith No More

Is this just the best fuck you song ever? I like that it has Transformers name checked. And it's a big fuck you to Willie Nelson, Michael Jackson and Bob Geldof I guess. Mr Bob Geldolf who thinks Kiwis are selfish. We care a lot about you too Mr Geldof.

-


We Care a Lot Lyrics - Faith No More

We care a lot about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees
We care a lot about the NASA shuttle falling in the sea
We care a lot about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought
We care a lot about disease, baby Rock, Hudson, rock, yeah!

We care a lot about the gamblers and the pushers and the geeks
We care a lot about the crack and smack and whack that hits the street
We care a lot about the welfare of all the boys and girls
We care a lot about you people cause we're out to save the world

YEAH!

And it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it

We care a lot about the army navy air force and marines
We care a lot about the SF, NY and LAPD
We care a lot about you people, about your guns,
about the wars you're fighting - gee that looks like fun

We care a lot about the Garbage Pail Kids, they never lie
We care a lot about Transformers cause there's more than meets the eye

We care a lot about the little things, the bigger things we top
We care a lot about you people yeah you bet we care a lot,

YEAH!

Well, it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it
And it's a dirty song but someone's gotta sing it

Inzamam-ul-Haq - He ate all the pies

Dear Inzamam

 

You are a big fat lazy prick and deserve what you get.

 

Sincerely,

 

Jimmy Jangles

Cricket Fan

And I when I say celebrity, I don't mean Cocksey

So me and JB went out to Red Rocks, Island Bay way.





This one is err... on an extreme DIEt









This must have been some kind of freakoid seal...

Minnie Mouse has grown up a cow

So I was thinking how everyone loves to bash bush. We all have our reasons. It makes us feel good, some times it's a guilty please. Some people like to bash bush because it can be thick. The good thing about bashing bush is that you can do in in your own home by yourself, with a partner or with other close friends. It's harder to bash bush at work but it can be done.

 

Bush bashing is everywhere in the media too. Its very acceptable and almost fashionable. Some people however don't like to bash bush and choose to bash other types of trunks, so to speak.

 

It amuses me though that when bloggers bash bush on blogs they often do so using the services of www.blogger.com which is a company made in America. The home of Bush.

Bras and Bros

I love this from Stuff

"Bloomfield and her dancing breasts were eliminated within the first four weeks, while those of ACT politician Rodney Hide remained on show."

An elephant joke

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Dirty Harry Cops a feel

Well well, cleary Prince Harry has good beer google vision, kinda...



-

So I figured out why the google "prince harry photo scandal" stardom was bestowed on me. And so sought to capitalise on it...

Prince Harry Photos Scandals

Jimmy Jangles is oddly pleased to be Google's number one entry for the search term "prince harry photos scandal'" which if you click lands at the page

The time I drunkenlyish met Prince Harry's older brother is here.

On a re read I think it might be one of my favorite posts ever.

The coolest things I have seen in sport

The coolest things I have seen in sport. Tragically for you dear reader it's mostly it's about Cricket.

 

Ø       NZ vs Zimbabwe, McLean Park, Napier - World Cup Cricket Match. On a rainy day Andrew Jones and Martin Crowe go nuts. Gavin Larsen (?) was too cool to sign me an autograph.

Ø       Central Districts vs Sri Lanka. McLean Park – Tour Match. Craig Spearman was the captain. CD rolled India in seaming conditions, CD then scored heavily with Spearman scoring well. I turn up to see Sachin Tendulkar bat. In the hot hot sun me and my cousin where treated to 3 hours of the best batting I think I have seen. Sachin got 150 odd and I think Ganguly got close to that as well. Sachin hit a six and then got caught doing the same shot and it looked awesome. Never forget.

Ø       All Blacks vs France – Cake Tin, Wellington – 2000/1? Jeff Wilson scores a try in my corner. Golden Boy rocked!

Ø       Wellington Vs Auckland, NPC Final, Cake Tin, Wellington , a couple of years ago. Christian Cullen's last game in NZ. He has scored two tries. He gets replaced. As he goes off 30,000 people stand as one to applaud his marvel. He raises his hand one to the crowd in acknowledgement and then sits down. It was only then I realised the players themselves had stopped the game i.e. didn't complete a lineout and were applauding Cullen themselves.

Ø       NZ Vs Australia, One of the many games, McClean park, Napier. Fleming and MacMillan have a huge stand to get us home. L'Aussies were kicked. Fleming got a ton and I had money on him to top score. Easy money!?

Ø       NZ Vs Australia – Cake Tin, this year, that devastating loss in the run chase. Andrew Symonds scores 150 odd. Holy Cow! said Martin Crowe. Astle and Vincent give us a cracker start. Cairns hits some sixes too. An 18 run over from Brett Lee. A tragic run out going for the drawing (?) run. NZ snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. BCs follow up the next week with at the time the highest successful run chase ever. Am personally responsible for a 'Brett Lee is a wanker' chant after the game in the tunnel as we exit. Legend time.

 

So not necessarily the coolest things in sport but the ones I have personally enjoyed. My memories may now be tainted with rose but whatever, they were cool times.  

 

Most annoying thing in sport:

 

…..raced home for the cricket to see Brian Lara bat. He came in to generous applause. Hit a run. Cheeky applause for not getting out. Then he does. Instead of a crowd cheer for the wicket in unison we groaned as one. It sounded like we had nearly got the G spot nudged only to have a bucket of cold water thrown in our face. Crowd then gives generous applause, such the batting brilliance of the man. As he walked off he kindly acknowledge the crowd. It was kinda cool. Bittersweet.  I suspect the Windies could have thrown in Lara Flynn Boyle and she would have scored more runs .  (from a previous post)

 

Wish I had of been there: Australia vs South Africa, world record run chase of 400 odd.

Jimmy gets a lil burnt.

Meh' what a week. sooo much work... so little time... at least the beer was cold.

NE ways so I like got some mussles and was going to grill them with like you know like cut up onions and garlic and cheese and pepper and like stuff like that you know and I could n't get the gas oven to turn on and so like I keep flicking the lighter and like boom it like blows up like Mt Vesuvius and like I burn all the arm hair off and a bit of my fringe and stuff and I'm like shit that's hot and my ear got cooked like a tasty oarsderve and the Levi and Jay Bee are like what the fuck dude!! and I'm like yeah I didn't really need my arm hair anyway and like pass me a beer will ya?

LSS The mussles tasted f.a.b. virgil as did the kranzskey (?) sausages as did the chardonnay from Marlbrough somewhere.

Whats the lesson here? Tana Umage would surely say 'Come on Jimmy and you guys, get fire wise!". I say never ever let the fridge be empty of Steinlager. You never know when you'll need it.

How random is random?

Too busy to post anything significant. Actually when do you ever do that? - Ed

 

How random is random? Was playing the ipod and on came Stone Temple Pilots doing an acoustic cover of Def Leppard's 'Pour some sugar on me'. It was then followed up by Travis pulling out an acoustic version of Britney Spears' 'Hit Me Baby, one more time'.

 

That one was an american band covering a british band and the other vice versa is odd. Odder still because both songs where about begging for sex.... and then Meat Loaf came on  which just made it all make sense.

Safe travels Turtle!

The Green Parrot: Over rated

So me, Jay Bee* and Jimmy Jangles Sr went to the Green Parott for dinner on Sat. Its the place in Tarankai St, supposedly made famous by the Minister for Courtenay Place.

I'll cut to the chase - the food was overpriced, service below par. The steaks were big but the macaroni that came with it was poor. The steak itself was good though.

We had the Oyster Bay Chardonnay - at 31 bucks it seemed priced okay.

All in all for the rep this place is pretty average.

Now Im going

Good bye I am going to kiss jaybee**

*Looking rather freaking hot I might add.
**Looking rather freaking hot I might add.

The Monster is Loose!

V is for Vagrant

So like I'm standing outside ANZ on Courtney Place this morning and there is Blanket Man listening to some homey shit (possibly Kanye West but who knows, it all sounds the same). Its kinda sunny, I have a good vibe. I'm going into the bank. I smell ganga. I look at Blanket Man. He is drinking a can of V.

I look closer at BM. His can of V appears to be on fire. Shit, is his blacket on fire? No such luck. He has converted a can of V into a bong of sorts and is getting his morning hit. V makers probably never intended that use for their product but whatever, I applaud the novel use.

Never mind Blanket Man is a fucking waste of space. Never mind he is smoking weed on the main street of Wellington at 10am on Saturday morning where there are kids about. Nevermind how someone without a job can afford weed.

Just applaud the fact that, even when they are full of spirits (meths or Rasta's special blend), the bums of Wellington have that good old kiwi 'number 8 wire' problem solving spirit going on...

Update:

Check out this picture of weed being uncovered by the Christchurch Earthquake

Here's a Johnny Come Lately

Let Me In

Yeah, all those stars drip down like butter,
Promises are sweet,
We hold out our pans, lift our hands to catch them
We eat them up, drink them up, up, up, up

Hey, let me in
Hey, let me in

I only wish that I could hear you whisper down,
Mister fisherman, to a less peculiar ground
He gathered up his loved ones and he brought them all around
To say goodbye, nice try

Hey, let me in. Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, let me in, let me in

I had a mind to try to stop you. Let me in, let me in
I've got tar on my feet and I can't see
All the birds look down and laugh at me
Clumsy, crawling out of my skin

Hey, let me in. Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, let me in
Hey, let me in. Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, let me in

-

Let Me In off Monster by REM