In Melbourne for the rest of the week for a spot of shopping...


You should feel sorry for anone who says they've worn the 'Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet'

So like this must be the oddest thing Wellington's Te Papa Museum has on display: The Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet.

the kakapo ejaculation helmet

So the Kakapo is an endangered NZ parrot. There are like only about 100 of the cute birds about.

These green parrots obviously need to breed to survive but they aint got the message about their forth coming extinction. So concerned Kiwis have set up a breeding programme to help them out.

These people discovered that male kakapo have a tendency to engage people's heads in a sexual mating fashion. It must be some kind of fetish. They don't want do do it with their own kind, but if they see a flap of human hair, they get all frisky.

In an effort to collect Kakapo sperm for the breeding programme, some wiseguy invented 'The Ejaculation Helmet'. I kid you not, that's what it is called. The Ejaculation Helmet is supposed to be worn by some poor sap at which time they then let the Kakapo have his wicked way on their head.

NZ Kakapo mating on a man's head

The above picture is is from the Te Papa Museum. The accompanying caption said that the helmet was not successful. So some guy once got fucked on the head by a parrot for nothing.

Kakapo Parrot

Te Papa Museum is also home to this awesome Collosal Squid

Its too late, tonight

So if Slash's intro to Sweet Child of Mine is the best intro ever what is the best outro? My picks would be The Edge's playing on One off Actung Baby or mybe Peter Buck's Losing My Religion off Out of Time.

Both riffs are played at kind of the same tempo as Slash's. 'One' in particular is kind of almost the inverse of SCOM.

Put your clock back for the winter

So I was listening to the old ipod and the D4 s 'Party' came on. I love the spirit of the song - I love to party with the north shore b'arches as much as anyone (yes, I know diff song..) but I thought the guitaring was crap.

So as I wandered by KFC with the stale smells of dead chickens killed before their time I asked myself, "Who is NZ's best guitarist?"

And so I pondered.

My initial thought was Neil Finn. He's an older rocker. We know he can write melodies but can he play guitar like he is trying to tame a drunken lion? No. He's damn good but I'll put him in the songwriter catergory. Same for Dave Dobbyn. I'm loyal but I don't believe gods and rock mix. Unless you are Creed.

So what about that dude from The Datsuns, Phil Datsun who can wail like a mother fucker from hell? Yes and bless, he wants to be Jimmy Page but his front man lets him down. Don't get me wrong though, Datsuns make rock dangerous.

James Reid from the Feelers? Apart from his penchant for MC Hammer covers in between songs the man did write 'Venus' and the fact he played ACDC's 'Back in Black' (Come Back Chris Cairns, all is forgiven) one rocking New Years Eve in Napier means he gets an auditon for NZ's best guitarist.

One of Wellington's favourite sons from Shihad perhaps? John Toogood or Phil Knight each play a mean axe. They tame lions all knight, every knight. Toogood may in fact be a lil crazy and in need of a pie and therefore is disqualified. Thus its gotta be Phil. Despite various terrible curly haircuts he's in the band that practically rewrote the national anthem with 'Home Again' (People say its Whaling by the Dobster but like, whatever). And because of that riff he gets the nod. Phil Knight is NZ's best guitarist.

Of course this musing has only picked a few contemporary artists and I probably should have put in the guy from Supergroove as his riffs rocked the house, for whatever reason. If anyone says I missed out Shane Carter they can just piss off. If that guy from the (Dance) Exponents who wrote that 'Victoria' riff was around today I'd give it to him on that alone cos that riff, she speeds...

Your thoughts dear reader?

You look so skinny!

Is it wrong to have loved the Devil Wears Prada? I am a lil confused though. Who is this Jimmy Choos everyone kept talking about?

Daddy's gonna drive your crashed car?

So like 35 days until U2 hit our shores U2 eh? Did I mention I'm going to Melbourne the week before the Melbourne Cup? Oh well beggars can't be choosers - Who's gonna win the Caulfield tm? Who's gonna ride your wild horses? Ah what am I really one about? Three words. Three. Day. Weekend.

Must. Stop. Using. Stupid. Full. Stops. Every. Time.

Broken Spoke

Hey Axl, you smoking the same cigarettes as me?
You can’t get no satisfaction with all the distraction of a Bucket on your Head
You’re a devil without sympathy
Without a backing band, you’re a long time dead
Use your illusion to escape the confusion of this mess
Dammit, you know Straddlin’s songs were the best.

Your November riffs broke the ceiling’s glass
Its shattered shards fell like a folded hand of cards.
But with high stakes, the loss is hard
Have you’ve been told you’re not special, just a rusted spoke in a broken fifth wheel?
Just another red brick in the wall?
Come on, get real, we know you’re just waiting for the Division Bells to call.

Sick of preaching and screeching? Well, your fans are a beseeching
Let it rip, stop the hypocrisy,
Release Chinese Democracy.

Ever seen a duck walk backwards?

It will only take 10 seconds...

The Northland office of telecommunications company Gen-i has a new take on the automated phone system.

Here's what you need to do:
* Call (09) 470 0100;
* Listen to the automated recording;
* After listening to the list, press 4.

Make sure you are paying attention....


How about a shag then?

Today's Update: Sugary

Today I ate 3 Crunchie Bars. That's a whole lot of Hokey Pokey.

Robyn Finck is a Guitar God

I was at Robin Finck's website and found this pix. It may be him performing as part of NIN during the Big Day Out in 1999. The stand to the right suggests it is but I could be wrong. Ideas any one?

robin finck gnr nin

NIN rocked that day. To hear Head Like a Hole was pretty cool - as was Hurt and of course, the kick ass stuff on The Fragile.

Robin Finck has been playing for GNR lately. His version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is brilliant. Log onto Limewire or something and download it.

I only mention this cos there's nothing else to listen to until Chinese Democracy comes out. If ever. Well it's coming here's the Chinese Democracy Album Lyrics.

Potatoe Fingers

So like some free advice Jimmy Jangles style for Stephen Fleming. Don't put Hamish Marshall* in the slips!!

I was at New World, Chaffers Park this evening and the Curly one was picking potatoes from a pile... and dropped them. Potatoes for africa on the floor. If I was Shane Bond I would be making sure that Legoman was at 2nd slip for sure.

I must admit his dive to stop the last one from crashing into an old ladies trolley was impressive and his return to the attendant hovering on the otherside of the mushrooms was similarly sharp.

Bring on the World Cup!

*Or maybe it was his identical twin, James.

G Up Neddy

Even though its only Wednesday, I'm off to the Kelt Capital. See you Monday. Now get back to your bloody submissions.