I started a joke which started the whole world laughing.

I thought of a joke but aint got the punch line. Help me out?

What's the difference between Mel Gibson and Michael Richards?

Best answer gets a choc fish.....

No matter what they tell you...

Elton John is well known for being a grumpy bugger. I suspect it’s because he doesn’t get enough xxxx. Anyway he took an amusing snipe at Oasis recently about Westlife charting higher than Oasis' new Best Of.

“I’m so glad Westlife are ahead of Oasis," he raged. "[Noel Gallagher's] an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from Thunderbirds.”

"They don’t deserve to be number one. It’s not a greatest hits album because they’ve left three of their biggest hits off it"

Elton’s probably just upset that his latest album didn’t chart as high as Stop the Clocks. Or is it that he’s on tour?

Either way Elton might be on the money...

Recent Ipod Crimes:

I need a Hero – Bonnie Tyler

That’s it, I swear.


More questions:

Welsh Rugby Union – big girl’s blouses?

Sick of U2 yet?

Today Tomorrow Timauru?

America’s Cup. Who gives a shiny one?

Old man grampa aint what she used to be?

Is your box heart shaped?

Smashing Pumpkins – most overrated band of the 90s?

Phased about the AB’s having lowest priced World Cup odds ever?

All you skinny white boyz out there, please shave your Movember Mo s? You look like pedos

Questions for the weekend that was.

Is Brooke Fraser NZ's answer to Bono?
Done any thing Brash this weekend?
What to do with daylight?
What more in the name of love?
Am I bugging ya? Don't mean to bug ya.
Sold your soul on Trade Me yet?

The Fat Dancer from Take That

“The Fat Dancer from Take That” was the name given to Robbie Williams by Noel Gallagher in 2000 when they were in the middle of a public slanging match. Noel is famous in some parts for his quips and quotes. Some are designed to generate publicity and some are just mean. Wishing Damon Albarn from Blur would die of AIDS was perhaps his most vile comment of them all.

    Said dancer in question

Robbie responded to the fat dancer comment by calling Noel a "mean spirited dwarf". The comments continued and escalated when Noel offered Williams a gun so that he could kill himself.

This was all following how Williams was befriended by both Noel and Liam Gallagher, at the time when their band was the world’s most popular. Paranoid and taking too much cocaine, according to Mr Williams, they fell out in proper rock star fashion – through the press.

The reference to Robbie being a fat dancer is now a tad ironic as though Robbie had become a successful singer in his own right at the time the comment was made, he went on to become a major solo artist, being just as popular as Oasis in their hey day.

In 2009 the last laugh could be on Robbie as Oasis split up leaving Noel open to quips that he’s just that old cranky bastard from Oasis. Still, the rumours abound that Robbie is going to rejoin with the reformed Take That so we'll see what commnet Noel makes if that happens...

Its too late, tonight

So I was just listening to the ipod and Four Season's in One Day by Crowded House came on. And I smiled because Bono beautifully butchered it into an early song (Elevation was it?). He missed the melody or something but the crowd part I was in cheered and laughed at the same time. Nothing like a rock star sucking up to his faithful!

And all this reminded me I forgot to ask in the last post - did anyone else notice Bono come into early for a verse during One? I thought it was only me but the Manatee thought so - like the Stones did in Easter when Mick Jagger missed a cue, the band played around it and it sounded sweet - a testament to good musos everywhere.

Amusing question from Charlie Chicken after the gig, "What was the name of the song with the Kite?"

Hmm guess I'm still buzzing.

P.S. Go fuck yourself Tom Cardy.

-

According to blogger this is my 701st post. I'm catching u DPF!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I did follow

So like the rest of white bread eating New Zealand I went to the Friday U2 concert. And as I b'arched all along, Kanye West was crap. I hate his genre of music and come on! 'wave your hands around the air like you just don't care' ? Leave the irony to U2 please dick head.

So yada yada U2 were great, I could buttlick for hours about how great they were but I'll do a highlights list cos my Hell pizza is getting cold.

# Kanye West going off
# Edge's soloing on on Beautiful day
# Edge's soloing on New Year's Day
# Edge's soloing on Sometimes you can't make it on your own
# Edge's soloing on Love And Peace Or Else
# Edge's soloing on Sunday Bloody Sunday
# Edge's fucking brilliant soloing on Bullet the Blue Sky
# Bono's out Pavarrotting of Pavarotti on Miss Sarajevo
# Edge's soloing on the Fly
# Edge's outro solo on Kite


Oh and we got One Tree Hill .... and now that Bono has kindly pointed out the tree still hasn't been replanted - I give it three months and King Dick will be out there with a tree and a spade digging a hole (a mole, digging in a hole...) big enough for Katie Holmes to stand in....

Update: October 2009, still no tree on the hill.
Update 2: Feb 2011, still no tree on the hill

Untitled

Dear Modest but Loyal Readers (or is that Loyal but Modest Reader) you have presently asked with an almost loquacious essence (make mine vanilla) “for a smorgasbord of bon mot, wry observations and salacious happenings we've come to know and love?”

And so I shall. Or I could let you eat cake. I’m having cake right here, right now. We all like Cake don’t we? We’re going for distance AND speed. You Fat Fighters out there can eat my dust. Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

Actually, Loyal but Modest Reader (or is that Modest but Loyal Readers?) (henceforth noted as LBMROITMBLR or MBLROITLBMR) I’m eating a Kit Kat. Or rather savouring every last crumble of the charms of the cocoa bean.

For dessert, I’m having dust. Dust, with a sprinkle of dustmite for flavour.

So on with the outpouring of the verbal symphony of verbiage. I fear treading down this path for the dust is giving me hay fever and call me pink with a tickle, I hate sneezing as much as I hate people who detest runs of Happy Days. But ayeeee...what’s the Golden Rule?

Always. Be. Cool.

Even. dust. bunnies.

Ok Honeybunny? If you don’t agree The Master Chief will murder any of you fucking pricks who move, and he’ll execute every motherfucking last one of ya! D’yer know what I mean punk? All my people, right here, right now. Be here now. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do you feel hungry punk? Well do you ya?

You do? Here have some of my dust.

I do trust the smorgasbor(e)d has proved tasty. I washed mine down with a V. No Nandor, I did not make a bong out of it like Blanket Man but I did refuse to recycle the empty glass bottle, the eighth deadly sin for which Elle Gore will probably tell me off for destroying mother nature’s soul but come on really, if the world is a mess, why should I clean my office up? It’s inconvenient and besides, that’s what the cleaners are for. MBLROITLBMR (or is that LBMROITMBLR?) should ask Harvey Keitel about being a Cleaner, he knows.

Its called chemistry, heathen.

Here’s an article about Noel Gallagher from stuff.

I have a cold and am grumpy so I’ll give it a fisking. Not a quite a Keith Ng fisking of a former Act party MP, but a fisking nonetheless. I actually prefer fishing.

# my comments with a #

NEW YORK: Rock icons Oasis have released their greatest songs album capturing more than a decade of hits, but the band's main songwriter Noel Gallagher says his best-known tunes are not so great.

For many Oasis fans, three songs – Wonderwall, Don't Look Back in Anger and Champagne Supernova from the blockbuster hit 1995 album (What's the Story) Morning Glory? – were the defining moment for the band.

# no shiz , Sherlock.

For Gallagher, the album was overrated.

"Morning Glory, I don't think it's the best-sounding record we have ever done," Gallagher told Reuters in an interview. "Some of the songs are not as great as people think they are."

#Are you deaf? I suspect you turned it up to 11 too often.

As for the notion that Don't Look Back in Anger and Wonderwall captured the spirit of optimism of the mid-1990s, Gallagher puts much of it down to timing.

# Well Kurt D Cobain did kill himself. There was no one else after Eddie Vedder went all political.

"There was always going to be one defining British album that came out at that time, it just so happened we put ours out at the right time and the songs, being about hope and love, just struck a chord with people," Gallagher said.

#Struck a chord. Bon Mots!

"I don't much like Wonderwall, but the effect that song has on people, I can't deny it," he said. "Great music is in the ear of the beholder."

#And when you turned it into a big dumb rock song on tour you ruined it git.

"I still don't know who this chick Sally is," he said of the heroine of Don't Look Back in Anger.

# She’s your fat mumma.

"I wrote the thing and I don't know what it means, but for some reason, for (fans) it means the world to them," he said.

#It's kinda like this blog then, I guess

"All those lyrics, like Champagne Supernova and that, they were just nonsense ... you can think about those lyrics for the next 500 years and they still won't mean anything."

# I once used that song’s lyrics to decode a Dom Post cryptic crossword, thank you very much.

As Gallagher reviews the 18-song, two-disc Stop the Clocks compilation, he says the band's first album Definitely Maybe from 1994 remains his best work.

# Thank God Liam wrote Songbird eh?

"People are still hailing it as one of the greatest albums of all time," he said, calling it on a par with the seminal punk opus Never Mind the Bollocks Here's the Sex Pistols.

# Its better. Sex Pistols are overrated bollocks

Absent from the album, which includes some of the band's famed B-sides, is anything from their third effort, 1997's Be Here Now, when the band came close to imploding under the weight of their own success and a blizzard of cocaine.

# Bad call, D’yer Know What I Mean guv?

"As soon as you get involved in cocaine, it all goes out the window because you think that every note you play on the guitar is ... monumental," Gallagher said.

# I did like the solo on It's Gettin' Better (Man!!)

Now 39, Gallagher is more relaxed that at the height of his fame and drug abuse when he notoriously wished Blur frontman Damon Albarn death by AIDS before later apologising.

#Why would you do that? Gorrillaz sux.

"It's shallow," Gallagher said of the life of drugs he gave up in 1998 after a moment of clarity.

# Yeah but I bet you got laid once or twice.

"Back in the day, I was prone to making sweeping statements," he said, adding that he has no real regrets. "It was a time for heroes, it wasn't a time for being reserved and concise about our success. We were ... bigger than Jesus."

# Gorrillaz is regrettably also bigger than Jesus these days.

Now having completed a six-album record deal with Sony Music, Gallagher says he has no plans because for the first time since 1994, Oasis are without a recording contract.

# Um don’t you own your own label now...

"It's quite a liberating feeling," he said. "I'm sitting back at the minute and saying, 'I couldn't be bothered, I've achieved everything I ever set out to achieve.'"

# Um but you didn’t crack America properly. Well I guess you did better than that phat prick Robbie.

"But on the other hand, Oasis is such a fantastic thing, you could never walk away from it, ever," he said. "While you still have breath in your lungs and could still stand up and weren't bald, you couldn't walk away from this."

# So no solo album in the future then?

U2's recent Melbourne concert setlist.....

City of Blinding Lights
Vertigo
Elevation
Until The End of the World
I Still Haven’t Found What I'm Looking For
Beautiful Day
Angel of Harlem
The First Time
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
Love and Peace
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Bullet The Blue Sky
Miss Sarajevo
Pride in the Name of Love
Where the Streets Have No Name
One

The Fly
Mysterious Ways
With or Without You

The Saints are Coming
Party Girl
Kite
Bad

The Master Chief

Here's to you John

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said ...

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Man vs Clown: He has a mo' you know

http://manvsclown.cracked.com/2006/11/platinum_blonde_bites.php

All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade


Oasis’ new best of ‘Stop the Clocks’ has me flying a plane in my big mouth. Not that I need it, I have every Oasis album and a billion singles but it’s the concept of Oasis having a best of out that I love.

Some might say Oasis are over the hill, hasbeens who should make way for gonna bees. Well stop the clock indeed, Don’t Believe the Truth put paid to the disaster that was the great rock and roll swindle, Be Here Now and picked up where Heathen Chemistry had hinted the band had rebirthed and firmly stomped Oasis back to number one all around the world.

Oasis are the best band in the world and that’s a fact, Jacky Brown. No band since 1994 has consistently released such quality output, especially in terms of singles being released. The song writing is suburb, though granted the their delivery has not always been the case. A blend of all Who have been before infused with a lil bit of stolen Teen Spirit has meant Oasis were the bomb. They needed each other as much as fans like me needed them.

Stop the Clocks will stack up as one of the best best ofs ever. In my blatantly subjective and biased opinion it rates up there with Michael Jackson’s History, Beatles “1” and the Eagles. Songs like Wonderwall, Live Forever, Lyla, Slide Away, Song bird, The Importance of Being Idle and The Masterplan make it so. In a captain Piccard kind of way.

The fact Stops the Clocks will not have Roll With It, Stand by Me, D’yer know what I mean or Whatever on it speaks volumes as to the quality of the songs that are there.

The thing about Oasis has always been their b-sides. They are better than most band’s A sides. And thus The Masterplan is treated like the National Anthem in Britain and deserves its place on the album.

So all your Oasis haters out there can go listen to your Gnarls Barley and your EMO crap, people who know what music is supposed to sound like and make you feel, head down to your Soundz or whereever next week and grab yourself a copy. That’s what a space man would do. D’yer know what I mean?

-

Extra for Experts:

I will concede that if Metallica were to put a best of up I imagine that would pretty much be the best best of ever.

The Weekend that was: part 54321

Friday

Snuck out of work early and had a few beers at the Whore's house.
Watched some vids wit da Lady

Saturday

Jean shopping wit Da Lady. Hmm tight jeans.
Went bowling at The Lanes. There were no nihilists about that I saw. Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.


Sun

Chilled, did the shopping.
Visited DJ Rano's new abode.It bodes well.

Good Rodence



I hope you had the time of your life

Aye J?

So..I'd put on some make up, turned on the eight track, pulled the wig down from the shelf and someone said to me,

"Well, I guess it aint art if its from a department store"

and feeling like suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett From TV I said, "I couldn't agree more!"

Any way, ... How about Kwahng Yi on guitar, ladies and gentlemen! Give it up! Kwahng Yi.

Did your nation stop?

So I got 8 percent of the Cup trifecta but spent more than I won. Go figure. What's the lesson here? Never trust an Irishman.

Melbourne: Its a place in Australia


So Jimmy Jangles finally left his homeland for shores other than the South Island and landed in Melbourne.

I snuck thorugh customs and John Eales and John Howard met me. They gave me a kangaroo and a schoomer, a cossie and a dooner. No sooner had I downed the schooner did a dingo come up and steal Kanga! Lindsay Chamberlin came up and said bad dingo! and that was that.

Melbourne. A money town, built on gold mining apparently. More likely the Casino and horse racing these days. With the Melbourne Cup there's a horse of some description in every second shop window. One did have a real live husky slobbering in the widow which was kinda cool.

I was there for work. So I talked to some Aussies about, work stuff. One of them had seen ACDC five times, young man. Another had seen Splitz Enz in Hamilton before I was even born, young man. The Living End? Never heard of them. Chuck us a Coopers Ale will ya?

No one gave me crap for being a Kiwi, even when we lost the cricket to the Mighty Men in Green and Gold (you mean green and yellow - ED). The classic Aussie accent affects only about 1 in 5. Aussies are just basically Kiwis who like league and aussie rules. Take from that what you will.

In a room full of aussies I did drop in 'fair dinkum' for a laugh but it just went as part of the conversation. I thought about tossing in "a fair suck of the sav" but there was just no place for it. I could have been recieved as 'unaustralian'. Which technically I was anyway.

Things I observed in Melbourne:

  • Canberra is waste of a bloody good paddock. Apparently
  • Hats for men are so in right now.
  • The only aboriginees I saw were... drunk.
  • Aussies like red brick roofs.
  • Aussies have a very keen sense of national pride.
  • Melbourne is cleaner than Wellington.
  • Melborne is more organised than Wellington.
  • You get a better steak in Wellington.
  • Aussie beer is not too shabby. Except for VB.

Melbourne Verdict: A Great City

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