Wildflower

Another classic from Popbitch:

Ian Astbury from The Cult walking past the Viper Rooms in LA at 7pm one evening last week, carrying a shopping bag of food.

The bouncer calls out, "Hey Ian, good to see you!"

Ian's reply: "Dude I'm feeling it, tripping on two purple dots".

4 from 4

Wow

Would you like fries with that?

So I’m sitting Mac Donald’s wondering if perhaps I should be fearful for the safety of my Big Mac and tasty beverage.

The McWorker mopping the floors appears to be a bit different from me. He keeps talking to himself.

“John is a naughty boy. Fuck you John!”

I hope he doesn’t think I’m John. He might though, it is my name.

“I don’t have time for this I’ve got to get to work”

Oh dear - if he isn’t at work what’s he doing mopping floors at Mickey Dees? Has he snuck in for a bit of moonlighting? Does he want a free pasta salad or something? I wonder if he has been bitten by Cujo and if I got the right shots as a child.

Outside is a short guy in a Black Power costume. He’s talking to a young wannabe growing his first piece of bum fluff, His jeans at about his knees. I’m amused to see the kid is wearing two pairs of boxers. I can’t help but wonder why he isn’t at school? Maybe it’s a study break for his Cambridge Exams.

An old Greek looking lady just wandered in. She is what I imagine Mother Theresea would look like in mufti. She has a cell fone. She gives it to another McWorker who is pleased with the delivery. They speak seemingly in tongues but I don’t understand anything except that my chips aren’t hot. I chomp on the Mac. It’s no Royale with Cheese, dam metric system.

McWorker is back.

“Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, young man?”

That’s it, I’m outta here, the Big Mac’s yours.

Dear Stephen Fleming

Dear Stephen Fleming and the Black Caps

Don't get scared now.

Kevin

Instead of food miles perhaps we should be talking about Gore Miles

So like it appears Mr Al Gore cannot get his own house in order, yet alone the rest of the world. When I was a wee lad I once saw a cartoon or sticker (prob printed on non renewable wood pulp) which had a kid asking if the world was such a mess why should he clean up his bedroom?

When I applied it to Those That Must Be Obeyed this argument didn't run too well but clearly Mr Al Gore believes innit… Sir Humphries notes that MR Gore refused to sign this pledge:

“As a believer:

· that human-caused global warming is a moral, ethical, and spiritual issue affecting our survival;

· that home energy use is a key component of overall energy use;

· that reducing my fossil fuel-based home energy usage will lead to lower greenhouse gas emissions; and

· that leaders on moral issues should lead by example;

I pledge to consume no more energy for use in my residence than the average American household by March 21, 2008.”

I'd pledge to drink more beer but that’s probably best left for a different post.

So this got me thinking that instead of food miles perhaps we should be talking about Gore Miles.

Food miles – is the redundant ‘expression for the concept that the mileage of food before it reaches the consumer (or the plate) is a potential indicator for the environmental impact of the food and its components’. But such arguments are never as simple as they appear and do not include the total energy cost of production – nthe fact that NZ produce is more energy efficient than English produce e.g. sheep and beef proves food miles arguments to be as valuable as a wet airplane ticket.

But what about Gore Miles? That might be a mile argument worth having. I posit that Gore Miles are food miles advanced – i.e. every mile that Al Gore travels trying to get people to watch his movie which I haven’t seen adds to CO2 emission levels both from private jet fuel expenditure and hot air expelled.

One might suggest that if the work he did outweighed the cost of his contribution then it would be ok to be a hypocrite – but the fact is he does not have an effect - and it just is an apparent 'do as I say not do as I do' kind of lobbyist.

Every country that gets Gore to visit is doing Gore Miles – adding to the carbon challenge. So forget fighting food miles, the next spin to win is Gore Miles!

Dick on sport: Marvellous

Jimmy Jangles is please to annouce his love for Dick. Dick on Sport that is.

The last few days that were pt is it safe?

Oh my god Constant Readers!! Why couldn't Bond have broken Matty Hayden's wrist? Not our Vincent? Good old Vincent - another century agaist a team that don't count... and we get fucking Marshall. He'll probably make me eat my words but fuck Braces, we want Skippy!

Went to Wainuiomata for a BBQ. Oh my god it is like Flaxmere but without Terrance Thompson. I was surprised the Mazda still had its wheels when it came time to make like a tree. Didn't see Chloe but I would have run her over if I had and would have used the reasonable force defence if anyone commplained.

Saw Blood Diamond with Leo and that chicky from Labyrinth. African conflicts vs western ideals makes for some good brutal scenes. And the baby said.

Somekill the damn polar beer already - the cute lil fucker is taking away too much coverage from the important issues. Like who else has a sex video out there? Marge from Shortland street? the Goodnight Kiwi? Thingy? Jason Gunn and Thingy? I think I would pay to see that.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified that Inzaman did it but I realised had it been him he would have eaten Bob, bones and all to get rid of the evidence. Inzy used to be one half of a twin set you know, until well they ranout of food in the hut one terribly cold winter. At least that's what I heard.

Did I mention I buy goods from poorer countries?

How the Black Caps can win the World Cup

Javed Me and Dad pt II

Two choice quotes from Cricinfo:

"He loves India. He has named his child India. His biggest player is actually Tendulkar. Right now I'm hoping Tendulkar does not hit a catch to him because he will probably drop it to watch him bat."
Irvine Romaine on team-mate Lionel Cann who is just a bit overawed by being at the World Cup


"Doing a few raids on gang houses wasn't particularly nice and mortuary stuff wasn't great. There were a few dead bodies along the line. It puts everthing into perspective. If you get hit for four, you get hit for four."
Shane Bond recounts his career as a cop

Javed, Me and Dad

What he said ...

Love you, love your work, lets do lunch

I am sick like Cujo of people saying "thats nice" as a response. I hereby declare that the new official response to such a situtuation is LYLYWLDL

The origin of such l33kism (or not...) was borne from boredom during a team session with the Whore himself and the SPFW a few moons back when Giant Teletubbies that frothed at the mouth ruled the world so please send the royalty cheques to the three of us.

Or just me.

-

BKcaps wit da mad skillz dis morn mon. word. drow.

(That's nice, doggy - Ed.)

A least I made a odd Pink Floyd reference

So like I have been hellishly busy and like missing the World Cup as it passes by like a hurricane, picking up top teams and thrashing them within inches of their lives, making fat boys look like fat boys and all whilst proving that this is indeed a Saint Patrick.

Ireland. How. the. fuck. did that h.a.p.z? That will teach Akhtar to take drugs eh?

Oh, I can't be assed. later.

I have developed NIMBY

Dear Fat Shitty's Fucking Bob Marley is dead just fucking get over it Drop,

you suck, and you're ugly.

Sincerely,

JJ - one fucked of resident of Mt Vic.

PS do I ever come to you place and play Appetite for Destruction for 7 hours straight? NO! So don't play ur shit reggae/ homey what eva the fuck it is girlfriend in my backyard.

PPS The backyard is for cricket.

Fuck this shit

What the fuck is going on at the Basin Reserve?! That fucking music is shit. Fuck off AND DIE. I would rather listen to Kanye West in the rain with my nads wired to a battery. Its been going for five hours. Dosh dosh wah wah. Insert bad gangster rapping here. Lets make it clear people - the Basin Reserve is for cricket and that's it.

Not homey shit. Ever.

Cricinfo stats: England vs Black Caps

New Zealand made light of what could have been an awkward run-chase, and cantered to victory with nine overs to spare. Cricinfo looks at the stats highlights from the game.

With their six-wicket win, New Zealand have edged ahead 28-27 in their head-to-head contests with England. In seven World Cup clashes, New Zealand have won four and lost three.

James Franklin became only the third bowler after Craig McDermott and Chaminda Vaas to take a wicket with the first legitimate ball of a World Cup game. Franklin is the only bowler, though, to achieve this feat in his World Cup debut.

Jacob Oram anchored New Zealand's run-chase with an unbeaten 63, and now averages an incredible 109 in six games against England.

In his three previous games against England, Scott Styris had an aggregate of just 40. His unbeaten 87 helped lift his tally against England to 127, at a healthy average of 63.50.

The 138-run stand between Styris and Oram was their first century partnership, and the second for the fifth wicket in World Cups for New Zealand. In ten bats together, Styris and Oram average 41 per partnership.

Kevin Pietersen became the ninth England batsman to score a fifty-plus score on his World Cup debut. It was his 15th fifty-plus score from 37 ODI innings, and his third in a row.

Meanwhile, Andrew Flintoff's poor run with the bat continued: in his last nine innings, he has scored just 162 runs, at an average of 18. This was also his third duck in World Cups - he has failed to get off the mark in his first innings of each of the last three World Cups. In 11 World Cup innings, he averages just 21.37, with one-half-century.

This man deserves a DB

This guy can have one two:




-

Went to the Cambridge Hotel with E to watch the game. Had a Speights or two for breakfast.

The Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

.

.

.

.

.

"Mixin'-me-toasties".

H/T: Me Dad.

The Joy of Cricket OR why cricket is better than sex

The Joy of Cricket, or why cricket is better than sex.

The sport of cricket. Full of weird inner workings such as being out in the middle of the field means you're in and if you get out in the middle, you're back in, cricket is wired differently from other sports such as the horizontal tango. Get on board and I'll try and help you through it but, be warned, Shane Warne often confuses the two, so there might not be much hope for you but here goes. Warne did end up shacking up with a Femme Bot so he might have done alright.

The casual outsider can do little to understand the game and its dated values of gentlemanly conduct. With laws older than the rule of law itself, the cricket observer can hardly be compelled to even make even the slightest effort to comprehend the distinct jargon used. Here's a word: "Googly"". See right now you are thinking of a famous search engine.

• Test match series can be five games long with each game played for 6 hours a day for 5 days. That’s 150 hours of cricket people! With multiple partners!
• For some people, they are lucky if they can get a date with a refrigerated cucumber.
• You can watch as many cricket matches as you want. Tests, ODI, Kiwi Cricket, Club Cricket, and even Women's Cricket. You can mix and match (?!) to your taste. A game of cricket never gets jealous if you sneak in a cheeky 20/20 after work at the Basin on a Friday.
• Try having a game of sex after work with another sex partner and you are rooted. Or not as the case may be.
• You can bowl a maiden over at any time in cricket. Good luck finding a maiden to bowl over on Wellington's Courtney Place on a sunday morning after the Sevens (quit with the cliches - Ed).
• Unlike sex when you’re often asked to shave before you misbehave - cricket never requires you to freshen up. You never have to wash your sweaty old box out before a game of cricket do you?
• Cricket doesn't mind if you use someone else's bat for an innings. Woe betide the fool that chances his arm at the post game drinks though eh?
• It doesn't matter what side you bat for in cricket. If you're in, you're in. If you're out you're out. Further, every one knows what side you bat for in cricket, outside of that it can be nightmare.
• It doesn't matter so much if you are an inswinger or outswinger kind of bowler, you can still get maidens.
• In cricket you can say whatever you want to the batsmen. You can call them "a wimpy fat girls blouse who ate all the pies" if you want, no one except Lou Vincent really minds. But try screaming it at your partner's face during a round of bedroom ball dancing and you'll be knocking in your own bat all by yourself before long.
• A sticky wicket can be a good thing in cricket.

There are some further similarities between cricket and sex that should not be ignored however.

• For both activities it's a truism that if there is grass on the wicket, its time to play cricket. 
• It's handy to have a couple of balls to play with. 
• Having a good line and length can be handy.
• Lara Bingle. See above.

No more More than a Feeling.

No more, More than a Feeling then. Which reminds me. What was the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain's mind?

His teeth.

Which further reminds me. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger has a better driver.

Boston's 'More than a Feeling' chorus chords tab - G C E D - play it as those power chords things and you'll understand where Kurt got Smells like Teen Spirit from. Probably.


And you thought I was just being mean.

Weekend that WUz: Tangimoana Pt IV

This lovely work sits in the out house. Its been there for at least 29 years and at the rate Tangimoana moves it will be there another 29.

WTW: Flick the Fire Engine

The Weekend that Was: Tangimona vs Optimus Prime

So here's the dilema, do I wear my Transformers T shirt to the movie when it comes out? Like you know how its cool to wear a Hurricanse shirt to the game but not cool to wear a Metallica shirt to the gig. What is it? What is it Tangimoana, the money or the bag?

The Weekend that was: Tangimoana Sunset

Oh a sunset ! How orginal! shut yer face, I like em.

Autobots, roll out!

So I saw this by the steps on Hood Street...

How the fuck did this happen? Way to crash back to reality.

Goo part II

So like seeing as Google Inc. fears they are going the way of sellotape I thought I would help bring about the demise sooner buy adding some new definitions of google:

Google: What a baby vomits up on your shirt after burping.

Google: A fan of The Goo Goo Dolls.

That last one is kind of like how a Maggot might be a fan of that all time folkband, Slipknot. OMG Big Machine by GG Dolls just came on the ipod! This google is very happy - this proves the term works beyond reasonable doubt. Thank god the Pussy Cat Dolls didn't come on that. That would have been embarassing.

Google: Not an original this one but according to google itself it was a term in a Lil Rascals' movie for drinking water. Doesn't apply to beer though - imagine saying "Man I got wasted last night, I googled 18 lagers".

-

Aside from being witty as stamp this post is also a test to see if the definitions will come up on google's define: search query thingy... want real SEO advice?

Google on Googled

So like Google inc has gone googley eyed over people using the expression 'googled' as a term for searching for information about something by means other than google.

So like if one had a brain explosion and said "I googled him on Yahoo and he seems pretty interesting." that would make the googsters lawyers upset.

So like to try and sellotape the issue up they have kindly provided this guide for the correct usage of google. I say whatever, trevor.

So like in other news my efforts to trademark 'so like' are proving so like, terrible.

So like Google it if you don't believe me.