Why Halo 3 is better than Sex

Why Halo 3 is better than Sex: Or an essay on why killing aliens and saving the planet Earth is better than doing things with limbs pressed in odd places.

I guess the first one is obvious, even to people like Tom Cruise, who despite their love of Zenu know in their hearts that Halo 3 is better than sex because you can never fire blanks in Halo 3. Every shot a head shot.

Speaking of shots, after landing one in Halo 3 you don't have to clean up the mess.

You can fire your gun as many times as you like in Halo 3. You can reload in a second and get that double and triple kill and God forbid an overkill of four. Good luck getting a triple thrill in the sack on a cold winter's night.

You can always wear your big green Master Chief space suit while playing Halo 3. Good luck wearing a green and gold spartan helmet with your nearest and dearest when playing 'hide the sausage'.

Halo 3 doesn't get upset if you play with more than one Xbox 360. With sex, you are generally lucky to have a box to slip your di$k in. Some times you have to pay $360 for the priviledge of slipping it in.

It's really easy to get three or four players to form a group for a long drawn out session of Halo. Not so easy arranging a group sex session if you're a noob.

If your gun in Halo 3 fires bolts of green fire, people will admire you. If your gun, while having sex fires green, see a doctor, like now. Seriously, now. You booked the appointment right?

With Halo 3 you can take pictures and movies of your sweet moves from any angle, put them on the internet and share them with your friends. With your sexcapades, unless you are Paris Hilton, you don't want a video of your ass crack winking at the world on porntube do ya?

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Halo fans might like to check out news about Halo: Reach

Flies, Flies and more dam Flies

So Melbourne. I think I have said this before but it’s just a really efficient and cleaner Wellington. But with more flies, flies, smokers, flies and less Movember going on.

Got in about 10.30am Melbourne time after getting up at 4m Nu zillan time. Found the hotel, found some lunch down a dark alley. A greek took my order, a pommie brought it out and an American took my money. The united colours of metropolis.

Went on a ghostchase hunting a non existent DVD for the Whore, bought tickets to the Phantom of the Opera for New Year’s Day and then worked in an internet café for too many hours preparing for the real work the next day.

Went for dinner in Lygon Street. Had the pasta, as you do. Ordered a lager and they came back with a latte! Jesus Wept.

Came home, watched Becks score a cracker of a goal. Post game he gave a very friendly interview. An Ali G respect.

Weekend that was Part sometimes my life is better than everyone else’s.

The sun was out so I drank some beer. I bought some nails. I bought sandpaper. I sanded shit. I’ll hammer things later.

I rocked out on the guitar in the sun and drank some beer. And played GNR over and over.

Yay – Skippy was in the runs at the tail end of the innings… not usually what you’d expect… http://content-nz.cricinfo.com/rsavnz/content/current/story/322131.html SO pleased to see him back and well frankly not fuck up.

Had a successfull wager at the TAB for once.

Mint Chicks!? Where the hell have I been? That said ‘Phantom of the Opera Overture’ was my song of the weekend that just was. And dammit Anika Moa's 'Dreams in my Head' is bloody catchy. I think I'll have to see her in concert again.

Got the ‘We’re in for some chop achievement’ - Its better when you don’t cheat…. Any ways I read the interweb hints and did it on Tsavo High Way / Point Alpha – get to the bit where there are two small buildings to the left side of the valley (passed the trucks and pipes etc) – After you take you take refuge from the Wraith, kill it, get the trip mine from small building with the Gatlan gun then get in a jeep which gets dropped off by a Pelican (on normal) head towards the Choppers that will come at you. Hug a side of the valley – when the choppers are about to ram you get out and drop the mine as they charge. Took me like only 4 – 5 goes.

This weekend that was has just become Halo Heaven so here’s how I got the ‘mongoose meltdown’ achievement – on High ground – spawn in the ...high ground at the start of the game (i.e. opposite end of the beach). Run to the mongoose get on - deliberately wait approx 10 seconds then zoom to where the rockets are – by now people should have gathered to shoot / grab rockets and have hopefully lowered each other's shields. Ride through them, trying to swerve the mongoose so you hit them side on. Splat.

Jojo

Jojo

If it tastes like shit
Beat with a stick
If I sound like I’m thick
I believe its because I called in sick

If you’re sick of the din
And your sick mojo, overturned amps and teenage vamps
Go back to your gin,
Get back to your gin, Jojo

Suffering from a suffocating miasma
If the colours are too bright
On your HD plasma
Brown it out with vegemite

You daylight robber
You dibbly dobbler
Let it go
Let her go
Just don’t tase me bro!

P120

Today I bought sandpaper and then drank beer and sanded. How did you earn your man card?

Its a word

Today I said 'frontbums' and everyone laughed.

Lag: Behind the times

I am fucking sick of lag on Xbox live. Fucking sort your shit house fucking broadband service out Telecant. You fuckkers.

Can you hear the people sing?

Bring Back Skippy

Weakest Test Team in years: Discuss.

New Zealand test team versus South Africa: Craig Cumming, Michael Papps, Stephen Fleming, Scott Styris, Ross Taylor, Brendon McCullum, Daniel Vettori (captain) Mills, Mark Gillespie, Iain O'Brien, Chris Martin.

Weakest Test Team in farrrkin years, worse than when Rutherford, top bloke that he is, was in charge: Discuss.

When Halo and Dilbert collide...

One One Seven dude made this classic:

Forget about the cyber ghetto, and rap for the robots...

So like his Royal Whoreness found this abomination. All I can say is that Optimus Orime better not be a Kanye West fan!

The Weekend that was: Pt Up to your imagination

Jimmy had an excellent weekend, thanks for asking friend!

Skip the Subway

While I think of it - U2's song Zooropa is probably the best ever opening song for a U2 album. Except Zoo Station, Where the Streets Have No Name, Vertigo, Desire and Beautiful Day and Sunday Bloody Sunday of course.

What is U2's best B-side? Decide for yourself!

No Stairway? Denied!

No Battle Star? No Lost? Dammit give them what they want! Its not like any one's going to pay to download it anyway!

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Incidentally this is the 1004th post on this lil blog. To celebrate, send beer. Lots of beer. Like Steinlager. Or Celtic Red. Hmmm beer.

Who had an Efficient day?

Not so good for me - but did have a nice collect at Auckland so covered my losses.

Blame Halo 3 - Spoof of Akon Sorry, Blame It On Me plus lyrics

'Blame it on Halo 3' is a popular spoof of Akon's own very popular song 'Blame it on me'.

A hit on you tube, the song's lyrics relate to how Halo 3 gets in the way of the singer's life and responsibilities.



Here's the 'Blame it on Halo 3' Lyrics

As life goes on I’m finding that I still sluff off most of my responsibilities
And I realize that I can be easily distracted from what’s going on around me
So I wanted to…uh…(cough) hold on a minute, just a second…
What did you want again? Oh right…I was singing a song…

I’m sorry for the way that I’ve behaved
Over the last twenty seven days
I’m sorry for the times you asked and pled
But I never heard a word you said

When you were telling me to take out the trash
And you were warning me we were low on cash
I’m sorry that I acted like a slob
I’m sorry I got fired from my job

I’m sorry that the house hasn’t been cleaned
The kids fought and I didn’t interveen
I’m sorry that I haven’t made our bed
I didn’t feed the dog and now he’s dead

Because I’m on the couch like everyday
Livin off of Mountain Dew and Frito Lays
I’m sorry for the weight that I’ve started to gain
I’m sorry that my man boobs are causing you pain

And yes I know that your folks came over
And I never said hello
And I missed our toddlers first steps
And your birthday yes I know

And I suppose the very worst it all
Was when I missed the birth of our new baby
But I had a very good reason babe
See I was playin Halo 3

I was playin Halo 3
I was playin Halo 3
Hanging out with Master Chief
Edition Legendary

Yeah, I was playin Halo 3
See, I was playin Halo 3
Just hanging out with Master Chief
While I was playin Halo 3

I’m sorry that I missed the toilet, dear
Cause I was tryin play by lookin in the mirror
I know that it must have seemed so cruel
When I didn’t pick our son up from school

I’m sorry that the car got repossed
I bought the flat screen instead of making payments
I’m sorry that all I could see was my game
When you came down in your new lingerea

And I know your threatening to leave me
You found a man you’re going to wed
And I’m sorry ya’ll will never get married
Cause now he plays Halo with me instead
I know it’s really hard on you
And it’s got you feelin blue
It must be just like Deja Vu
From when I was playing Halo 2

I was playing Halo 2
I was Playing Halo 2
It almost split up me and you
When I was playing Halo 2
But now I’m playing Halo 3
On my Xbox 360
Just hanging out with my online peeps
While we’re playing Halo 3

Check out my Halo Reach Fan Site

Transformers: A completely objective review

So this morning I woke up with The Clash’s garageland running around my mind. If I had been dreaming I think it was because I was lost in the supermarket making beelines to heaven or something.

Anyways got my self the new Transformers movie on DVD. It rocks. I still love it when Prime smashes the energy sword into the face of Devastator. I watched it on slow mo three times. When the eyes pops out…I had visions of Any Given Sunday when the ref picks up the eye ball of the turf…

Robots beating up other robots is like the coolest thing ever. If Halo 3 was Robots I would never ever leave the living room. Those dear to me say I don’t anyway.

I give this movie a 5 autobots roll out out of 5.

Indeed after watching it with me, Optimus Prime said it was a good depiction of how it really was when he and Bumblebee first came to earth and beat down Megatron. Optimus then got a lil teary oil eyed about Jazz, so me and Ratchet took him to where we buried Jazz’s halved body down by the Porsche Factory.

Later on when he had stopped blubbering I asked Optimus Prime a question – if bumblebee can survive having his legs ripped off, why couldn’t Jazz survive a minor thing like being halved? Every one knows it’s a robot law that halved Robots can be put back together, often with hilarious consequences. Look at C3PO in Empire Strikes Back! He was a pussy and still survived. Jazz was tough as cyber nails. What say you Prime? Said I, the brave padawan.

Oppie looked at me, went all blue in the face and said, “Go fuck yourself Jimmy, you rock my casbah.”

Optimus Prime goes trick or treating

Eriq kindly alerted the Optimus Prime newsdesk to this Halloween Holiday costume:



Autobots roll out and get some candy!

Oasis Haters: Amy Winehouse Fans.

I am totally just borrowing this tres amusant post from Cracked.com. They must be Amy Winehouse fans.

"For the tone deaf and the illiterate, there’s some good news and some bads news. The good news is there will be a new Oasis album. The bad news is that it might not have any lyrics.

Songwriter Noel Gallagher explained his writer’s block to reporters:

‘I’ve literally got nothing left to write about. I’ve written about being a youth, and I’ve written about being a rock star, and I’ve written about living life in the big city.’

Wow. What a crushing blow. An Oasis album without lyrics. That’s like having diarrhea without vomiting. Like being anally raped without getting fisted first. Like someone running over your dog without setting your cat on fire. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but let’s be reasonable people. Noel’s written about being young, being a rock star, and living in the city. I mean, what else is there?

Can you name one song in rock history —JUST ONE— that ISN’T about those things? Oh, you can? Lots? Well, sure YOU can, but what if you were a stoned, mildly retarded, douchebag from Manchester? What about then? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Still, always the humanitarian, I thought I’d give Noel some ideas for new songs:

Sing something about an old not famous guy who lives in the country.

Write a song about being so unsightly and annoying that you have to get your no talent, only mildly better looking brother to sing lead.

Steal lyrics off of George Harrison’s tombstone now that he no longer has new lyrics to poach from.

Write Blur an apology letter for all the hateful stupid shit you spouted and set it to music using the three chords you know.

Examine the Zen inquiry: if a band no one cares about anymore releases an album no one buys does it make sound?"

Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse
Amy Whine House
Amy Winohouse
Amy I’m a fucking overrated whackjob house
Amy Whingeing look like the south side of a horse house
Amy I wannna be Pete Dougherty House
Amy I wanna be the before they sobered up the Gallagher Brothers with same huge eyebrows House
Amy Winehouse