Yes, I ate all the pies. And that's an Aussie behind me, saying hello.
So like I've spent the last couple of weeks in Thailand. What a bloody crazy place. That song from Chess about a hard man crumbling after one night is quite possibly true.
I did three and left with a wee hangover.
If I saw a well presented 20 something model in the fancy department store, the next person I saw had no arms and was lying on the ground with a cup in their mouth begging for food or baht. Next to them was a four year old doing the same thing.
If I saw a tuk tuk I saw a million of them. If I happened to get bored of the floating markets and suggest to wifey we just 'walk down this road a bit' I may have ran into an baby elephant that attempted to sexually harass me.
If I went to a tourist trap, I walked over the Bridge of the River Kwai (not it's really name, that's what stupid foreigners call it after watching too many Hollywood movies starring Old Ben Kenboi).
If I was feeling humble when I visited the war graves and saw the grave stone of a kiwi soldier who lost his life building a bloody train track, I was.
If I met a couple of Aussies on the way, they were good bastards.
If I raided the mini bar, I might have ended up on the top of a Bangkok building eating a meal with a 360 degree view of the city and its... smog.
If I relaxed on the beach, it came with a thai massage. If I ate a prawn, well, I ate them all. If I bought an Armani suit knock off, well that's what the tourists do. If I went snorkelling, I saw the united colours of Kata beach.
When I spoke Thai I was treated to a smile to end all smiles. If I handed over my money and grunted, I was apparently a rude Russian.
If I drank one Chang beer, I drank a Tiger beer too.
If I held a tiger cub in my arms, it was well treated. If I went the Phuket Zoo, my heart ached for the animal's and their mistreatment. If you want to go to the Phuket Zoo, do not. It's a rip off the the elephants and tigers and crocodiles a treated like rats in a cage. Still, I did the tourist thing and wrapped an albino python snake around me:
However, if I rode on an Elephant I may have seen the Big Budda. I learned what a mahout was and I saw loved and revered animals.
If I saw a scooter motor bike, I saw not one rider but three of four or a man carrying a pig in one arm and the BBQ in another, steering with his feet.
If I saw a lizard, I didn't tell my wife. I saw lots of lizards.