How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties

How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties

Germs are everywhere!

In the sink, in your coffee and in your spleen.

On door knob and in the unwrapped mints on the counter of the restaurant. You should take no comfort that your desk has more germs than a toilet.

So for all the germ phobes, obsessive compulsives, and avian flu junkies out there, Jimmy Jangles brings you "How to avoid germs, cooties and other nasties".
  • When you visit the loo in a public place (movies, work etc) push open the doors well above or below the door handle. Chances are those spots are clear and more germ free than the urine stained handle that the weird guy in IT no talks to left behind
  • Avoid Avian Flu but not talking to Avians
  • It's okay to talk to Germans, except about the war. Don't mention the war! Just lie back and and think of England.
  • Live in a giant bubble like the Bubble Boy.
  • Don't press lift buttons. Use a pencil or wait for your colleague. God knows which filthy beggar has been there before you. At least you'll avoid the snot and boogies I left for you after I picked my nose all morning.
  • Don't smoke the cigarette butts you found in the street. I mean really, it's a filthy habit.
  • Use the First Toilet in the Bathroom/washroom stall. Men better than you or I have conducted research which has shown that that most people use the middle stall so leave those ones to the common people. This is because more use such as dropping the kids off at the pool means they're the dirtiest and have the most germs.
  • Don't hold hands with girls, they have cooties! Eooohwww!! Girl germs. Don't kiss them either.
  • When finished a set at the gym, wear jandals in the shower. Athlete's foot is not your friend.
  • After you've spent all night at the Strip Club, wash your hands. You know why.
  • The Foot Flush: Instead of flushing the toilet with you hand, use the bottom of your shoe!
So now you know how to be free of germs! Now get out there and take some unnecessary antibiotics!

What ever happened to Fenella Bathfield?

fenella bathfield in a bikini

So like after the success of what ever happened to Penelope Barr?, Jimmy Jangles brings you:

What ever happened to Fenella Bathfield?

Update: Well shoot, I should really pay attention to the commenters on le blog. Ms Bathfield herself appears to have commented on the Barr post:

"Fenella Dobson was in australia had two children, thus the weight gain, which is now quite gone, and now lives in Hong Kong. This is her by the way and you can check me out on facebook as Fenella Bathfield/Dobson and see what i look like now! fenella"

Cheers Fenella, we really appreciate that! Kiwis - 'bless em - they are real people.

You don't see Oprah Winfrey leaving messages round here do you?
Fenella used to be the resident after school hottie on TVNZ's '3.45 live' and then later on The Bugs Bunny Show. The Bugs Bunny show also had Fiona Anderson and Hinemoa Elder who when on to produce with Paul Holmes the wild child that is Minnie Elder.

This guy reckons something fell out on 3.45 live once. That probably gave Ollie Olsen a heart attack. Of course, it aint on Youtube and if it aint on Youtube it didn't happen eh?

Well actually there's not a lot of info on the interwebz about Ms Fenella Bathfield - so if you've got a story to share leave it in the comments.

Image Source: Fenella's Myspace page.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy Review

Here's my fawning review of The Road by Cormac McCarthy

the road cormac mccarthy novel picture book

Despite this book being fawned over by Oprah Winfrey and her book club, I must say this is one of the most entertaining reads I've had in a while.

It's horrific, it's hungry, it's human.

It's also on Amazon.

The story is set in an unknown time of an unexplained post apocalyptic destruction. A great fire has scorched the earth along the road on which which a tired father and his son travel seeking warmer climes.

Forget the story for a moment and read the writing - it is pure literary porn. This line is from the first page of The Road and just by itself it conjures up a bleakness that no winter frost could ever predict:

"Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world"

This sentence just sets the tone of the novel perfectly.

Note the glaucoma line should probably have a comma. Cormac McCarthy only uses full stops, question marks and the odd apostrophe for punctuation. This lacking only serves to highlight the bareness of the travelers' path.

At its heart, The Road is a story of an endearingly protective father who guard his son's life with his own. This is not Finding Nemo but is a broken road through hell where the sharks are men who think nothing of eating human flesh, in fact in McCarthy's world these men harvest the arms and legs of their captives, while the captives are still alive.

It literally day to day living.

The story is savage enough but this book didn't with the 1997 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 2007 for nothing (The Color Purple or To Kill A Mocking Bird are past winners) .

It would not be wrong to imagine that this is what's left of the earth after the monsters found in The Book of Revelations have passed through.

Frankly, after reading this novel Jesus would have wept more than the time Judas betrayed him.

Not that Jesus could read English, mind you.

Unsurprisingly The Road was being made into a film by John Hill Coat and starred Viggo Mortenson and Charlize Theron (as the mother in quite depressing flashbacks). 

When I was 13 I read Z for Zacharia, a children's book about a young female teenager trapped in a valley safe from a nuclear wasteland but who was being tormented by Mr Loomis.

That story has always remained in my memory with its near rape and always pending doom - The Road replaces that for me and I doubt I'll be able to eat meat from a spit roast in a while.

Buy The Road from Amazon now. Don't watch the movie instead. Read the book!