After noticing the Autobots were having some issues adapting to life on Earth, Optimus Prime has written a handy guide for his fellow Autobots to help them co-exist usefully with humans.
Fitting in is a big problem for any new alien, culture shock is an all too common result of immigration.
With Out Passport?
Fresh off the boat?
How about fresh off the Milky Way!?
Then you need to read Prime's letter.
How to fit in as an Autobot in Human Society by Optimus Prime.
My fellow Autobots,
We are forever united to human kind by a history long forgotten, and a future we shall face together. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to all Autobots so that we can fit in and stop accidentally destroying the homes and cities of these good people. Or stepping on their dogs.
Here's my advice to you all:
- Learn to use language that is appropriate for the context and conversation. For instance, “What’s crackin’ bitches’ might work for the young ones like Sam and Michaela but it won’t work with the President’s Advisor.
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| A Pink Warrior Goddess, Megan Fox |
- Compliment the men on how smoking hot their warrior goddess princesses are.
- Cowards like Starscream do survive but Autobots are fearless and stand up to their issues with courage. And pay their parking tickets.
- Try and keep your battles with Decepticons in big wide open areas like forests and deserts. Remember the bill we got for destroying the half the city when we fought Megatron for the All Sparkplug? Still paying it off.
- It was the same fool that once told me that humans don't deserve to live. I beg to differ and that they deserve to choose for themselves! Try not to interfere in human matters. Avoid their petty squabbles about global warming, free trade and globalisation. We know they will eventually have bigger fish to fry and we can keep our powder dry for the day they fall from outerspace. Space Braiiinnnns indeed.
- Do not drop Darth Vader quotes when hanging out with Trekkies. Ever.
- I saw a documentary on their favourite pet, the Mogwai. The lesson from this film was never ever feed their mogwai after midnight. If you do such a thing you cause terrible things to happen to families at Christmas time and you won’t be getting any presents.
- I’ve said this like a gabillion times but freedom is the right of all sentient beings. So never ever handcuff a human (without their permission of course).
- If you step on someone’s flowers, destroy their house or cyber heaven’s forbid, leak oil lubricant on their dog or mogwai, simply brush it off with a ‘Oops! Sorry, my bad’. This usually has the desired effect of reducing the tension.
- Chicks dig hot cars or hot rods, if you prefer. I suggest we all make sure our alternate modes are sleek and sexed up. Thus, I'm suggesting you make your rod hot for the ladies. They will be sure to want to check you out and so you’ll be sure to fit in.
- If someone mentions that Voltron rules, feel free to begin smashing them up a bit. Fitting in don’t matter if they be insulting you!
- If you can, appear on the Oprah Winfrey or get a book published in her Book Club. Garner the sympathy angle. Express feelings of distraught about missing your home planet, engergon piklets cooked by your Mumma Prime etc. Remember, Dr Phil is for those losers like Barricade.
- If you’ve got the jokes, go on Letterman. Just don’t to a Joaquin Phoenix or THAT guy from Back to the Future. Feel free to mention the time I single handedly saved the universe.
Sincerely,
Optimus Prime
Fearless Leader of the Autobots
Ex. Defender of Cybertron
Chief Protector of Earth
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