Snail and Spider.

So I'll tell you about my flatmate.

His name is Snail and he lives in the laundry. He moved in with out permission but he seemed O.K. so I let him stay. Snail is a cool flatmate. He never bitches and he never leaves the dishes in the sink.

He's kinda cheap on the rent but all he eats is the washing powder box so its no big drama.

He's a better flatmate than Spider anyway.


So The Manatee woke me with a revenge wakeup call for ringing him at 1am. Got up and headed to Fidels where the Usual Suspects greeted me with bleary eyes that were screaming for coffee. Turtle talked about snakes.

Then we went and spent our ready readies at the Time Out arcade. Who knew Pod Racing was sooo addictive?

That's it. Get back to work!


So we'll skip the part where I spent 2 hours cleaning the flat, collect my 200 dollars for passing Go and heading to the drinkies chez moi.

In what turned out to be a high school reunion of sorts the us lads sunk a few beers, spun a few yarns and had a merry old time - I guess this is one of those had to be there things. Aye manatee?

Headed off to Havana Bar - too full, couldn't be assed waiting in the line. Went to JJ's - boring. Found a G.L.L. at Tupelos and we were away.

My simile of the evening was "Come like a train". I'll leave the meaning of that to your imaginations.


So apreski workski there was drinkskis at the Feathers. Most entertaining, my old boss was there and he kept us well amused.

The Feathers' Chef fund raises each Friday for a guide dog by doing meat raffles. I swear they could have bought 5 of the things by now with all the cash they seem to suck from our wallets. That dod better be cute!

Any wayz moved on had dinner at Roti Chenai (sp?) on Victoria St - nice cheap meals, friendly service and good happy company! An aborted attempt for Jazz at F69 became a sucessfull tequila shots with chasers at Cabaret with Levi. We Wuz entertained by a jazz combo featuring some bass player who was really on to it.

Still with me? Then we saw Land of the Dead. A zombie horror made by the guy who invented zombie horror, Geroge Romero. Good fun, if a lil hokey. Do Zombies go to heaven? I mean off course, after they have been decaptiated?

Then back to Cabaret to catch up with Devine M and Devine H - Shaken Not Stirred was the band in full swing at that stage - those guys rock. I particulary enjoyed the James Bond theme song as well as Marvin Gay's "What's going on?" Beer actually. Then home.

For once didn't get pissed on a friday!

Random Notes:

So like I was reading the NBR and Augie the TV3 Weatherman condemned the foolish science surrounding Kyoto and climate change issues. He called the bunk “Buck Rogers science”. I knew Augie was cool but not that cool.

McCauley Culkin look alike and great servant of the All Blacks, Justin Marshall appears to support a flat tax structure. . I wonder if he votes Act. Goodness knows they need him too!

TGIF eh?


So I'm suffering the effects of subsidised drinks. That's the trouble with that kind of drinking - you drink the free beers and wines (sticking the to uni rule of beer before wine, feel fine) and then you keep on going .. and going.

Seek Dog indeed

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I understand this is an early drawing of a character from Popetown.... though I could possibly be mistaken. Possibly.

Did you lose something Levi?

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Supposedly this is the set list Neil Finn sang at the King Kong wrap party....

Fun with shot glasses and shrapnel.

Oh to be a beer drinking, student loan wasting, time wasting student again...

its a vid so sucks 2 b u if ur on dial up ....

Ta Jabooie !

Scars are cool

So like the Aussies kicked some ass in the Test at Lords. I thought this Ashes series was to be a contest this year?

Glen McGrath deservedly could be developing a General Zod type complex. He must be thinking "Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?!". I don’t see England delivering up a Superman anytime soon. Pieterson could be a Superboy contender though but Clarkey perhaps deserves that title more with a knock of 91.

And the Sheik of Tweek, tired after taking some glorious wickets, must now be looking for some company to soothe his aching muscle (surely plural? Ed.).

What the hell was Ponting wearing a plaster for after his lil shaving cut to the face? If I was Captain I’d be like “stuff this lil bandage. I don’t want to look like Nelly or a nelly”. Scars are cool.

I like to move it, move it

For the chch contingent who apparently gag on every word written on this lil blog here's the friday night run down.

So like thank allah Friday was Friday. you know, in the TGIF sense.

Beers at the Feathers. Where else does one go on a friday evening? Various entities came and and went, mates and work colleagues alike. The Ginger Ninja dicked me at darts. She is the drunken master. LSS we stayed until they kicked us out. Then it was on to the F69 bar. The floating hunk of metal was fairly quiet. But then some lovelies turned up and we chased said lovelies to Red Square which was goin off.

Hmmm girls in green tops....

Saw a fight in the crn Taranaki St and C place on le way home. Idiots decided to rumble in the middle of the road. In front of a cop car.

Red Foreman would have called them dumbasses.

Violet Grape Dance

So like it was National Poetry Day/Week or something yesterday. I had no inspiration to create so I went thru my stuff and found this old one. Seeing as its Woman's Refuge appeal week it seemed kind apt.

I wrote it in like 1995 when I was young and dumb. I still am.


Take your time, as much as you care
Irises, laveder and violets are in bloom outside my window
Take your books.
I have no room.
Your words mean nothing so I stare

Take your comb, gel and mace
Relax, I'm not driving tonight
and I don't need straigntening cause the worm will see me right
I'm gonna throw your clothes in the fire place.

You leave because of my worms?
Add a touch of salt and simmer, while I
forget the fun, frolics and freshness
I have no need for an inward eye.
Baby I'm still a winner but my stomach burns

Like a grape ripening I grow in lavender scent.
The sun dances on me, it teems, bountiful with its time.
Green to Purple.

Purple bruises, battereed pinks, gashed greens.
Is that why you went?

Sing with the Sting

Just in case you missed them week, Stingfish are doing something different tomorrow night - an acoustic, unplugged set at Katipo café.

When: Friday 8:30pm
Who: Stingfish w/ Ditch & Dragstrip (two very cool bands)
Where: Katipo Café, 1st floor 76 Willis Street, next to New World metro
How much: $5, and CDs on sale for $10
Drink specials - 3 Monteiths for $10

The chemicals between us

So like if Coldral is so good....can one take P to get over the flu? Is that why it is so popular?


I've cracked and had a V. Or 3. First one, or 3, in 7 weeks. My teeth will never thank me for this.


Had dinner at the Cornershop with me mum last night. I partook of the the lambshank and Ma had the beef thingamy. We shared a red from the Barossa Valley. Good night out!

Is partook a word? Drow.

Soldier on with Coldral

So I am sick. I hate winter when I get like this. Can't focus on much really, and this lil incident shows it...

Was making a cheese sauce for some pasta last night. I grated half my knuckle off into it before I realised.

I can report the dish was "not too" salty.

Riddle me this.

I figured seeing us some people actually answered these questions I should do so myself.

Is it ironic that Green Day release their best album ever after their Greatest Hits is out? No, its called commercial reality and contractual commitments.

Is it ok to eat 2 pies, a coke and a packet of Burger Rings for breakfast? Only if you want to look like the Minister of Maori Affairs.

About what time will Stingfish take the stage tonight? They won't its Saturday.

Should I renew my membership to the Racing Club? Done. Now I am complete.

Will Radiohead ever start writing rock songs again? Not likley.

Why did the Lions really suck so much? they ate too many pies and coke for breakfast...

Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? Because you are a pile of bread crumbs?

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

So I missed Stingfish - I stayed in and watched Shortland street. In some countries this is considered normal but not for a twenty something on friday night. I have no excuses. It was too warm on the couch to venture out? So sorry Mr Towlie.

I was reading some freebie local newspaper thingy and Tom Larkin the drummer from Shihad gave this joke:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

A: Salivia.

Sorry, too high brow Charlie??

Any other good drummer jokes out there?

Some Questions that have plagued me today:

Is it ironic that Green Day release their best album ever after their Greatest Hits is out?

Is it ok to eat 2 pies, a coke and a packet of Burger Rings for breakfast?

About what time will Stingfish take the stage tonight?

Should I renew my membership to the Racing Club?

Will Radiohead ever start writing rock songs again?

Why did the Lions really suck so much?

Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?

Some Famous Jimmys

jimmy page

So like Jimmy Jangles is not as famous as Optimus Prime but there a a fair few famous Jimmy's out there.  Here's a jimmytastic list:

Jimmy Choo
Jimmy Cricket
Jimmy Carter
Jimmy Iha
Jimmy Buster Douglas
Jimmy Nail
Jimmy Maynard Keenan
Jimmy M. Barrie.
Jimmy Cliff
Jimmy Cameron
Jessie Jimmy
Jimmy Hoffa
Jimmy Neutron
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Page
Jimmy Dean

Any Jimmys to add?

Is anyone missing the Lions?

Thanks to the Manatee for wasting working time and sending this round....

The lions practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a white powdery substance was found on the field. Police and forensic investigators were called in to investigate.

After a complete analysis, the forensic guys determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided that the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.


The lions coach takes the team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.

So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion


The lions are making available a helpline for fans who are disappointed with their teams performance

The helpline number is : 0800 10 10 10

That is .....0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!


What's your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a lions shirt in bed??

You ain't going to score....ever!!


What's the difference between the lions and an arsonist??

An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches

It's just not cricket.

So I've been thinking about this cricket tour to Zimbabwe. I love cricket. Loyal readers know that. I think cricket and all sport should be played in a spirit of competition, a test of man hood or whatever. Not under the dark cloud of human rights abuses that it will be in Zimbabwe.

So I'm against the Tour going ahead. But its not fair to stop kiwis from leaving this country to do their thing so .... er whatever. Especially if u think of it in terms of that cricket is these guys livelihood and it would be unfair for me to tell them to give up some of their income for my beliefs.

Well we can only assume all the Black Caps want to go - they seem to have a media muzzle on them. I suspect they are concerned with whats going in Zimmer land but really, they just want to play cricket. Especially Shane bond, he must be champing at the bit to get out there and send some balls down.

All this has got me wondering about about the famous Spring Bock tour and riots which were all about apartheid. Would I have been against the tourist coming here? I'd like to think so. But would I have tried to stop the All Blacks from touring South Africa, probably not. But thats just my cavalier attitude.

What about the other international teams that come here? Should we ban them too if they have values different to ourselves? For instance what about American teams... should NZers concerned about America invading Iraq boycott the Sevens Rugby Tournament for instance?

Man this is getting too heavy and I haven't been too witty which is the whole damn point of this blog.


Blondes Chicks - not too bright

A whole new world of pain awaits this lil' KKK card carrying punk.

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Jimmy in the Malthouse with beers

So after work last night the stalwarts of the ‘West Wing’ indulged in a few beers at the Malthouse. I decided to venture out of my usual beer drinking confort zone and ordered a Kronenberg. But alas the taps weren’t working so no strange beer. I retreated into a ball like a baby in the foetal position and went with old faithful, Mr Steinlager.

On a poster the Malthouse claims it has 100 beers available for binge drinking*, well, my ass.

The best thing about the Malthouse is its warm. You could dry out an alcoholic in there. Maybe that’s why it’s so popular? Anyway the second best thing is the cheap pool. It’s only a dollar per game. So we played. And god did we suck.

After that I went shopping. I bought tin foil.

Chez moi for the new k1w1 show, Outrageous Fortune. Robyn Malcom ran round doing some kind of westie version of Beth Heke and that was that. I kinda liked it. Bring on Gina Rossi Dods....

*or something similar to that effect

Life is a lemon and I want my money back

So like some dude was just ranting in my office about Ace of Base and how cool they used to be. I’m thinking careful dude, is this because all your girlfriend wants is another baby and you’re talking to me in code about your concerns?

Anyway I missed the Sign and I misinterpreted the whole thing. Regardless, Ace of Base are a poor man’s Roxette. Roxette are (were) the bomb. Per Gessel is the best songwriter ever. Wait I can’t back that up. Izzy Straddlin of GNR fame is. Maybe.

NE way - curious, I went to the Ace of Base website which amongst many boasts (some valid) that their debut album sold “23 million copies and remains in the Guinness book of records as the best-selling debut album ever”. Which I thought straight away was absolute rubbish because any self respecting Meat Loaf fan knows Bat Out of Hell is the real deal and for that matter Jim Steinman is the best songwriter ever. Even if he did write a song for Celine Dion.

Sorry Izzy.

Bitten by beers at Katipo

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Sarah Wig played her sweet songs, Chucky did some bass runs. We drank beer.

Its a shocker of a foto but 'This this is MY of whatever!'


Go see this band. I order you.

“This one’s for youse”

The Mana of Tana reigned strong in Auckalofa as the ABs again monstered (is that a new verb?) the Limp Lions in the 3rd test for 3 beatings out of 3.

I bet Clive Woodward was felling pretty limp after that too. In the Sunday Star times there was a picture of him shaking hands with All Black Coach Graeme Henry – except Clive clearly could not look him in the eye like a man. It maybe that was just the camera angle. But I doubt it.

An ineloquent Tana said “This one’s for youse” to the All Black supporters after the match. Bless 'em. It just goes to show you can take the boy out of Wainuiomata but you can’t take the Wainuiomata out of the boy.

As an aside - does anyone else think Tana looks like the Predator from the movie of the same name?? Want some candy?


So I got to see the repeat of the first episode of the new Dr Who series last night. I loved it. It was classic Dr Who as I remember it. Autons Attack! Sonic Screwdrivers! How cool are they? Not nearly as cool or handy as a Light Sabre but pretty cool nonetheless. (if Autons are controlled by 'remote radio' why are they called autons.....)

Imagine what M’Gyver could have done with a screw driver AND his Swiss Army knife. Damn now I have the M’Gyver theme in my head. Which reminds me - the new Phoenix Foundation album , Pegasus, is pretty cool. Being a Wellington band (and a lil geeky in a good way)I'm surprised they didn't call it Shadowfax....

I digress too far however - Back to the Who and this generation's turn. The new doc is pretty cool and gets my vote. Ms Billie ‘Honey to the Bee, that’s you for me’ Piper was pretty pleasant on the eyes.

I’d give her a sonic screw drive anytime.

It was Jeff, he's a maori!

So New Zealand Catholics are calling on television channel C4 to pull its Popetown cartoon from New Zealand TV screens. Apparently "There were shades of bestiality, or insinuations of it"

Crickey. It’s a must see then.

Catholic Communication director Lyndsay Freer said there was an "insidious nastiness in the programme" and to depict the Pope as cretinous was highly offensive.

"It's a double standard. You wouldn't find a programme like this called Ayatollahtown or Rangitown, so why us?"

I think someone should refer Lyndsay to Bro Town

XW Blues

I wonder if Steve Maharey did the NZ Herald’s crossword today:

21a. Out do completely (3,2,3,5)



Put on the smarm

Wellington this morning

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I have no idea who took this photo, it just found it's way to my inbox


So like I was on the bus today and a little kid asked me what a Unicorn was.

I told him it was a cross between a eunuch and a leprechaun. I then said another term for such a crossing was a leprenuch.

His mum got mad at me and started yelling some thing about 'lucky charms'.

Genipod. Sounds like a kind of centipede.

So I was thinking about Generation Ipod (herein known as genipod) and its effect on listening to albums. Does genipod listen to albums any more?

As I’m walking down the street bearing witness that I’m a paid up genipod member, I generally just whack the pod on shuffle and let it choose for me. I just skip the slow songs as they come along. No worries. Roxette to Rolling Stones in one click. Alicia Keys to Akka Dacca in one grand chord change. Wait, I can’t back that up.

Who listens to Alica?

When I buy a new CD – (no itunes shop in NZ yet) I just put it on the ipod via itunes have listen or two find the songs I like and I’m away - and then back to shuffle. Well usually. It’s not that simple…

Case in point I got the new Oasis ‘Don’t believe the truth’ album cause I’m a dedicated fan right. I think is a brilliant album. If it had been released after the monster that was What’s the Story? Oasis would have taken over the world ‘right proper’ for sure. Instead they released the Great Rock ‘n Roll Swindle and that was that. I’m sure genipod is missing out on great music. Casual fans may have just downloaded the new single thru the itunes and that was that. They like the single but don’t get the album. And that’s my point, they miss out on the ‘classic’ Oasis album. And then the album doesn’t become classic cause no one buys it. D’yer know what I mean? Cup of tea love? Fancy a pint? What about ‘er indoors?

You are probably an Oasis hater (and Alicia Keys lover) while you read this (actually how did you get this far?) and are thinking crikey Jimmy Jangles needs to get laid (maybe he does? – Ed. Offers? No Alicia fans need apply - JJ) and write about an issue we care about like cricket(an Aussie and England draw? Come on!) Uh - oh I’ve lost the train of thought. Oh yeah just substitute Oasis for your last favourite album that no one liked...and maybe you’ll understand.

"William, this is James”

So like 5pm I turn up home. The Lil General has let himself in with the spare key. He’s in the army and there’s some dude called Handy with him, apparently he’s an Officer or a Left Tennant. We drink beers, spruce up and head to Molly Mallones in a cab.

The cabbie says, “you boys look pretty flash, yer thinking your gonna meet the Prince or something?”. “Um yes” the Lil General replies. Cabbie doesn’t believe us. Well he’s South African so who cares right?

At Molly Mallones bar – Meet some more army, navy and airforce dudes and lasses. Don’t see Molly any where. All good people and all having a nervous pint or two before us “movers and shakers” head off to the Governor General’s house.

We breeze thru security and pull up at the main entrance. A butler (?) opens the cab door for us. Crikey that’s a bit posh. “Welcome to Government House!”

LSS get inside and meet the Governor General, Dame Silvia Cartwright, who is wearing a black top with a black dress and white polka dots. Being the GG she’s very comfortable meeting nervous twits like me and the Lil General and a lawyer. After minor chit chat she says something like “Well the Prince is here to have to have a good time and I hope you do to” to which I reply something like “thank you for inviting me…” Man, I’m a plonker.

So we’re mingling. The Lil General is AWOL but I have bubbly. So I make new friends. Prince William is meeting the guests. I don't meet the Prince. Gutted. And then it's dinner.

Seated at lucky table number seven there is a stunner to my right and a stunner to my left. My hat off to whoever seated me! Shannon Paku, future All Black is to my right one over and a dude from Treasury another over. All great people, wondering how the hell they got here in the first place. Later I introduce the Lil General to Shannon and I say “ ….and this is Shannon, future All Black” to which he says “ I hope so” and really means it. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his NPC minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

Dinner is buffet. I have prawns, crayfish, lamb and ham. I have given up all chance of meeting Prince William. He is surrounded by all the pretty young things. They are gagging for it.

Do you still care? Any way dinner is over, Fat Freddy’s Drop is playing. Very cool. They know what the occasion is and play to it. Not too loud, not too flash, just some cool groovey tunes.

So I’m standing around drinking my erm, Lindauer, with Handy and we spy the Prince unguarded. We bowl on over. Intercepted by his body guard. Who turns out knows Handy. We chat.

“James, have you met the Prince?” he says. “No” Says I.

Guard reaches into the crowd that has surrounded the Prince and touches him on the arm. He turns. “William, this is James”.

And that’s how I met Wills. He’s taller than me and going slightly bald at the back. He had a nice pale blue shirt on. As he shakes my hand he says,

"You're not in the army are you? Not with hairlike that!"

"No" I reply, somewhat embarassed but sharing in the laugh (Having given up all hope of meeting the man, I had tied my long hair up like David Beckham style when he had long hair).

We chat randomly; The Lil General is suddenly beside me getting a piece of Prince Action. Bodyguard whispers something in Will’s ear. He goes something like “Farming....”. I deduce through the mild haze of Heineken and bubbly he’s still talking to me. I work in the ag industry. Conversation impossibly turns to rabbits. I shit you not. Rabbits. I say,

“We try and shoot them all in NZ, Sir”.

Yes that’s right. I said exactly that. William looks at me quizzically. I consider raising the issue of calicvirus. I don’t. Conversation moves on to when the Lil General ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

I realise I am in the presence of a genuine bloke who seems quite happy to meet me and the Lil General and co. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

It’s pretty cool. I say to Wills, “William, fantastic to meet you,” hold out my hand, he shakes it and I bail not wishing to overstay my welcome. The Lil General remains.

I’m buzzing. So is everyone.

Later we head to town. Courtney Place is closed off a cause de the Lion’s tourists. It’s a sea of red jerseys. People every where. End up at the Vespa lounge. It's cool. Head to Jet bar. It's not cool. Typical. Get home 3ish. Txt a million people that I met Wills. Sorry for that!

I think I left my dinner jacket in the GG’s ballroom. I’ll get it later.

Update: Shannon Paku still hasn't played for the All Blacks, Fat Freddies Drop went on to have a huge selling album and were the most popular band one summer and I never collected my jacket from Government House....

All Blacks by 20, with Rico G to score.

So like did Jimmy Jangles mention he is going to tonight's State Dinner for Prince William at Government House? He did in person already? Are you sure? He's usually very hush hush about these things.

Or not.