Feed me

Lunch: Arbitrageur

I devoured the sir loin with bernaise sauce. Medium Rare, it was just perfect.
I drank the Carrick Pinot Noir '03. It slipped down nicely.
I enjoyed the excellent service. I let them take my coat.
I dined with with excellent company. They were the highlight.

I remember the skyhawks

A poem by Matt Harcombe, Dunedin.

I remember the skyhawks


I remember Play School
When manu was manu
And stories were told
Now manu is nonu
His eyes are coloured in bold

I remember my bicycle
Blue and shiny and old
Back pedal brakes for broadsides
And crashes that we never told
Now my bike has disc brakes

And whistles down gravel roads
With built in shocks for when I crash
Loads and loads and loads

I remember the big blue valiant
With such a big boot for Mum
Stripy rugs made of wool
For Picnics in the sun
Now my car is a Subaru
Computer controlled

I remember my shorts
Brown stubbies striped with white
Up around the thighs
When shorts were shorts all right
Now my brown stubbies are glass
And the white stripes are all class
My shorts go up round my ankles
A little more shiny and old

I remember the Mockers
Playing at the Dannevirke Town Hall
Forever Tuesday morning
Wasn’t Tuesday at all

I know what they meant now
It seems such a long week
And its work work work all so god damn bleak

I remember the skyhawks
Big booms in the sky
Scared the sheep in the paddocks
And the dogs let out a cry
Now the jets are full of people
747s wandering by

I remember the skyhawks
Back in the days without war
I remember the skyhawks
When all was not what I saw

Oasis: Best Brit Band in the Land - Still

Oasis have shot straight to the top of the UK pop charts. And really when u are the best brit band in the land its not really surprising is it? Having a number 1 single for Oasis is like having a cup of tea in the morning innit? It is their eighth number one single. They’ve had a gazzilion number twos as well. We all have really…

“The Importance of Being Idle” is the song and for the life of me I can’t figure out why Oasis chose it for release. Noel’s ego probably. I just don't think its a great song. I think ‘A Bell Will Ring’ would have been a much better choice but oh well what ever never mind.

Hey! wait! I got a new complaint – it definitely should have been the ‘Meaning of Soul’. Maybe.

Jerry - Don't pull those punches!

So Jay Bee and I went to the Realm in High Tie Tie to watch the rugger on Sat. I had lamb shanks and Rokocoko had the Yarrr pies. So like that nouvelle haka eh? Freakin legend time to pull that cat out of the bag of All Black Wizardry. It sure had me spell bound when I realised something special was going down. A new haka! The AB’s went down on their knees and I thought aloud “Are they doing a Samoan haka?”. Jay Bee noted it was multicultural. Teachers are astute people.

Captain Tana Umaga lead the haka. Early on he looked to the heavens, directly eye balled the Thunder Gods and seemed to channel lightening through him, pulling down volts of power. The charge he put on his team sure worked. A great start became a classic match. The lead changed 7 times and the match was decided only with minutes to play. Are there no two better rugby teams in the world than the Blacks and the Boks?

Makes you proud to be a Kiwi when you see a game like that.

Random Richard Hadlee annecdote.

So I’m like 10 years old, my brother 8. I forget if the other bro was there. We are at Robbie Burns Liqour Store (b4 it became that) because Richard Hadlee is there to sign autographs etc.

He has a bat to give away to the first kid that can name the English county team he played for. My lil Redhead brother is deemed worthy of answering the question by Richard.

“New Zealand!” the ginger confidently answers.

Nott quite kiddo, nott quite

Bond, Shane Bond

So is just me or does the rest of the cricket loving nation get the giddy warm feeling when you hear Shane Bond is back in the Black Caps? And kicking some ass? I open my SST (Much better this week, didn’t even read Grant Smithies to confirm how crap he is) to confirm what some random man in the bar told me last night, that Bond took 6 for 19 runs against India. The man is back. Who needs Sean Connery when you have Shane?

Jimmy Jangles' Top 5 reasons to love Shane Bond:

1) Shane Bond takes wickets like Shane Warne sends out dirty text messages.

2) Shane Bond makes Shiohab Ackthar look like a spoilt brat (Are you sure ? – Ed).

3) Shane Bond is gonna win us the World Cup. Just like Dan Carter will too.

4) Shane Bond is not an ego tripper like Richard Hadlee.

5) Shane Bond left Ganguly shaken and stirred.

172

So the Black Caps destroyed Zimbabwe. Its a freakin joke that Lou Vincent can score 172 and become NZ's highest oneday scorer. Putting aside the fact it was against the Zimmers - How the hell can Vincent claim that spot justifiably? (Um the fact he did it - Ed) Vincent is a shite one day player. 60 odd games and one or two 50s. A poor average. Nothing immpressive except his fielding. And then he pulls one out of the bag and wham he has 172 by his name.

Its just not cricket.

Its really hollow - kinda like when Matt Hayden over took Laras's test innings record against Zimmers. They were a stronger team then but still shite. I'm just glad Lara had the balls to take it back - against England.

So enough of this bitchin - what can be done? I think it would be a good idea to set up a second tier status grouping of the weaker cricketing nations. Encouraging them in this way will let them learn in a more satisfactory setting. You don't learn jack from a hiding like last night's game. Perhaps the best performer at the end of the season could have a few games against a stronger team. Meh.

So after writing this all, I just recalled Bangladesh beat Aussie in a one day a month or so back so what the hell do I know?

That man deserves a DB

Dominion Brewery workers are going on strike for first time in 20 wears. All I can say is thank your god fearing, beer drinking beer gods it’s not Lion Nathan workers. LN makes the best beer in NZ, if not the whole world, Steinlager. And that’s a fact. A day without like Steinlager is like a day with out oxygen. Lifeless.

The Union wants 5 percent wage increases (Hmm, is that Andrew Little I smell?) DB has offered 4. I don’t know the whole details but I know anything above the rate of inflation seems to be a good deal. I guess DB should be thankful they don’t have a factory in Tonga!

I dislike unions – mainly because they seem to get hijacked by people who seem to think that everything in the world is owed to the workers. It’s not. I’ve ranted about this before but I’ll say it again if I give you a job, it’s my right to tell you how I want it done and how much I want to pay you. You can agree to do the work or not. NE arguments, its my way or the highway. Unless you have a better idea. And then I might give you a 10 percent bonus for working hard.

Just like DB does……

Update 1: Adolf Finklestein does a good post on the beering saga

Update 2: I actually did drink to DB's good health last whenerai. Good times times with Monteiths Pilsner indeed! Shussh! don't tell Geordie I was drinkng at the Occidental instead of the Feathers!

Update 3: There is no update 3. Get back to work!

Better Living, Everybody

So like here’s some advice I’d give to myself if I was me.

If you have run out of ‘Maori Shower In A Can’ never ever substitute it with your John Paul Gautier. It burns like a mutha freakin riot.

And there endeth your better living everybody lesson for today.

Things learn-ed on the weekend II

• Wellington Lions appear to have forgotten what defence is
• Chicks dig Jean Paul Gautier
• Brad Pitt is a cheating bastard
• Feathers: Still the place to get cheap Steinlager
• If you don’t get out of bed till 5pm on Sunday you have to go to 3 dairies until you can find a Sunday Star times
• The SST was just not worth it.
• The chords to Bowie’s “Rebel Rebel” go D E / A D Bm E. Kinda.

Head Like a Hole - NIN Sydney Set List


Continuing with the Marilyn loves Trent thing... hey it's better than cricket commentaries right? Hell I didn't even mention the 2nd Zimbabwe test one did I? ( Erm.... - Ed)

So S.A.S. ventured across the ditch to catch N.I.N. late last week. Seeing as I steal a line from Trent's HLAH, I'll oblige with the Sydney (?) set list, the lucky buggar.

1. The Frail
2. The Wretched
3. Wish
4. Sin
5. The Line Begins To Blur
6. March Of The Pigs
7. Something I Can Never Have
8. The Hand That Feeds
9. With Teeth
10. Terrible Lie
11. Closer
12. Home
13. The Big Come Down
14. Burn
15. Reptile
16. You Know What You Are?
17. Suck
18. Gave Up
19. Hurt
20. Dead Souls
21. Starfuckers, Inc
22. Head Like A Hole

I need a nap

I need a nap
I need a beer
I need a tax cut
I'll spend it on beer and some such smut

I need a shower
I need a shave
God, don't let the Machines get into power
I'm about to go misbehave

I need some breakfast
I bleed some water
I need some whisky
Just let me loose on your daughter

I am an electric guitar
With a big fuck off shiny amp
Playing loud
Pissing off the next door gramps

I need to chill
I am an elastic fire cracker
I need to make a will
I need a super fund
Name a seasoning
I pick dill

Sweet Dreams / Marilyn Manson / NIN / Satan


So I was listening to some Marilyn Manson and it made me wonder what people actually thought of him from the other point of view - mainly those who hate him because he disses christianity and the whole concept of religion (except his own apparently claimed Satan worship... I'm sure he's sees the irony, he's a very smart man).

NE way I found this delightful site of an ex KKK member, wrestler John Lee Clarey who wants you, dear reader, to 'Learn the truth about Marilyn Manson'

Apparently MM is bad because he promotes bisexual and homosexual acts. He burns crosses. He takes too sugars with his tea and also encourages bible burning. JCL blames the Columbine Massacre on MM too.

More crudely JLC accuses 'Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor of satanic band "Nine Inch Nails" had sexual intercourse.'

Oh dear lord NIN is satanic? No, Trent is just a Star Fucker.

More tea?

We're all stars now, in the Dope Show

So like once again Marilyn Manson gets in the news as people protest against his up coming concert somewhere in Croatia. The Anti Christ Superstar is the devil, and when the devil comes to down, why, you just gotta knock him down right?

I presume the beautiful people at Stuff posted the article because instead of the usual priest muttering something about Marilyn being the mouth piece of (and for) sin, this time a priest has come out in defence of him. This God Rocker said ”How could Manson turn young people into satanists and drug-addicts in the two hours of his act?".

He then notes the best concert he ever went to was a MM one but then says he wouldn’t recommend a MM concert to any one, especially young people which is slightly contradictory but whatever, any priest with his own heavy metal band gets my vote for sainthood.

Manson is an easy target for moralisers. He took so much shit over the Columbine Shooting Massacre when the media made up that the two trench coat wearing sickos had listened to MM before they did the shootings. Turns out they didn’t even have his records. Michael Moore who directed Bowling for Columbine was smart enough to interview MM for the doco. He asked Manson something like "what can be done for children dealing with serious problems in their lives?"

His answer was simply, “Listen to them.” Yep, only the devil could give an answer that clever.

Manson has also been accused of promoting drugs by other Catholic priests. And in that charge is is guilty. I suspect those priests might have listened to his live album, Last Tour on Earth which has what is probably one of the best Rock God / Crowd Exchanges ever:

Manson: I was drowning in a sea of liquor ....... and I washed up on a beach made of cocaine ... The sky was made of LSD ...... and every tree was made of marijuana! But the cops pulled me over...

Audience: Oooooooooh

Manson: But they did not arrest me,

Audience: Heeeeeeeeeeeey

Manson: instead they sucked my dick!

Audience: Heeeeeeeeeeeey

Manson: And it was very beautiful that God Came down from heaven! He said Marilyn Manson we will no longer spell god G , O , D. I said so how do u wanna spell God?! He said "Give me a D!"

Audience: D!

What would Father Mulcahy have said?

Some lessons learned on the weekend:

• Chicks dig sailor suits
• Beer and tequila make Jimmy go something crazy
Bob the Builder can only fix so many letter boxes
• Val Halen’s ‘Hot for The Teacher’ has new meaning
• Tory St. Mobil has two pies for 4 bucks
• Vespa Lounge still does a great Gin, Lime and Lemonade
• Manatees make fantastic pets if properly house trained

Zut Alors!

So sailor suits go well with Tequila shots which go well with liberated mail receptacles....

A visitor from Hawke's Bay writes

...So like is NE 1 doing the Virtual NPC? As you would expect yours truly's player name is "JimmyJangles".

Send me yours via email or le comments sexshun if u wanna compete! C'mon the Bay!!

The Doctor is in

Warning Will Robinson! JJ is about to step into geek territory.

So like I was onto my third Steinlager with colleagues at the Feathers last night when I suddenly recalled that Dr Who was soon to be on and it was featuring Daleks. Mofo, I was out of there like an impotent man who'd heard there’s free Viagra and hookers on offer down the local. My inner geek in full force I stormed out into the night. Nothing could stop me from seeing it.

So then I waited for the bus. A little geek waits. And waits.

So LSS got home just in time to see a blue light appear on the telly. Aunty had delivered the goods. The Daleks were back. Ok, so it was only a single incredibly grumpy one who looked like a rusted ‘pepper shaker’. Exterminate! I nearly wet my self with joy when I heard the cries of murderous intent. I was 6 again.

Yada Yada, Dalek falls in love with Billy. It’s not happy ever after. Gay guy from Coro gets to ride the Tardis.

The end.

I'm about as expert as a palsy patient performing brain surgery with a pipe wrench.

So like Sin City. Black. Dark. Noire. Three words describing the same thing I guess. Shot in greyscale with shimmers of coloured hair and there... oh what do you care - Jessica was a fox. And that's all I have to say about that.

Lunched chez Black Harp with SK. Bacon and Egg pie went down well with lager. It was lucky it happened cos I sat at the Lueven for 12 minutes cursing SK was late and then I realised moi was in the wrong bar. Stimpy, you idiot!

Speaking of cult classics, anybody wish to sing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song? It's Friday after all. No? OK then.

I'm off to find a sailor's suit......

Its my party and I'll cry if I want to

So like after that prior post (long winded and ranting) I realised exactly why TV3 doesn't want the Jim and Pete Show on Show. TV3 only has room for 6 giant egos, not 8.

See Ya Round

So like I resigned from my job today. And man, does it feel good!

I taken another job .... with the Big G. Yes, I'm gonna be a bureaucrat.

I don't really know why, but the last line of '1984' just popped into my head. Its some thing like "and he was happy, for he loved Big Brother." Maybe I'm on some anti Road to Damascus kind of conversion. Or not.
-

Goh! I was just interupted and asked if I had Outkast on my ipod. As if!

-

Odds and Enz

So like I think Snail has moved out without telling moi. That ungrateful little helix aspersa! Okay to so there was a slight misunderstanding regarding my purchase of some Yates Blitzem but we can all be adults about these things can't we? Can we?

I did lots of adult stuff this weekend. Irresponsible adult stuff like drinking cocktails at Pondo, and ogglying (is that a word?) wannabe models as Vespa Lounge. I must confess though the attempts at discourse for course of the other kind didn't go too well. Damn Cool Hand Luke and his creaming soda.

And responsible adult stuff like meeting a prospective flatmate, dealing with the dude painting my house and paying the fone bill. Actually I didn't pay the fone bill, I drank it at Pondo.

Na seriously the winds of change are about to come my way - I'll announce officially on Monday. If u were at the Feathers on Friday (and thurs) you know why. The name of a certain late era Split Enz album comes to mind....

Moving on to a cocktail of paracetamol and codeine phosphate for breakfast this am quickly blew the cobwebs off and I sauntered off for breakfast with the South Pacific Floral Wonder at Aro Street Cafe. Whilst having a leisurely caffiene fix a Lil Pickerninney we both know bounded passed and joined us for salmon and cream cheese bagels. Excellent fair. Excellent fun. There is nothing like salacious gossip to keep the conversation going is there?

Shame about our Men in Black falling to the Spring Boks. Guess those Lions were really really crap after all.

The New Botox

Txt of the day so far, from my lil bruva:

-

Last night I bought a bottle of absinthe that is 89.9% It has some extreme warnings on it! Last night my face went numb!

-

On ya Rooster!

Lange Laughs

According to the NZ Herald, halfway through his operation to remove his leg, former PM David Lange (who did not have an general anesthetic due to his illness) asked the surgeon as the leg was nearly off - "Have you got the right leg?”

What a legend. Wherever he eventually goes, I hope his Ricies don’t taste like Slime.

List of people who are world famous in NZ but probably shouldn’t be

Jimmy Jangles’ List of people who are world famous in NZ but probably shouldn’t be:

• Chloe of Wainuiomata
• The Nah Nah guy from NZ Idol
• Ming, the merciless singer
• ASB Bank's Goldstein
• Horse from Treasure Island
• Asia Rock from Treasure Island
• Take your pick of anybody who starred in Treasure Island*
David Farrar


Except Marcus Lush, NE body who makes a TV series about trains seem cool is cool.

Its the economy, stupid.

So word on the street is that Beauty salons across Britain are reporting a drop in profits... now that the London Metropolitan Police are doing Brazilians for nothing...

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