Suck on that

My girl baked me cake and biscuits. Suck on this.
I'm having dinner at the White House ce soir. Suck on ur pinot noir.
I'm going to the Kelt Capital Races on sat. Suck on that.

Its a slow day at the office....

Ronald Reagan once noted that..

'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidise it. '
Jimmy Jangles on the other hand would rather  the Spice Girls' approach to life to be applied to the economy: 
'You've got to swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you
think you are?

Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are'


Cuba Street Crawlers

cuba street

Cuba Street. It's where the weird people are. And the wild. A real menagerie of people – it's the nexus for just about every kind of activity of exchange in the Wgtn CBD. Its the Trademe of the real world. Hookers or handbags – its has it all. In fact it's probably the closest thing Wellington has to an Otara Market.

Thus JJ brings you his observations of the Cuba Street Crawlers.

The Busker.

This is a diverse group of money makers. From the Spanish guitar player to the guy with the imaginary guitar they all try their luck. Scruffy or impeccably turned out – it's a hit and miss affair as to who yer gonna get. My personal fave was the English guy who did b-side covers of Oasis and Ocean Colour Scene tunes. Sadly missing for a while now.

These players are prone to turf wars, particularly a certain Pacific Island woman who gets hacked off with the amped up imaginary guitar players. These exchanges are usually more entertaining than the music on offer.

The Cosmic Corner Crowd.

They believe in the cosmic. As in they are 'especially distinct from Earth'. Enough said.

The Drunk

Falls into two distinct categories.
If I could sum up the first with two words it would be "Blanket Man". Without a doubt BM is Wellington's most famous bum. Certain to be found drunk or stoned with his other drunk or stoned comrades loitering somewhere near the Bucket Fountain.

Famous for exposing himself and smoking weed this guy doesn't have a care in the world. He is possibly too drunk and stoned too realise this however.
The other category of The Drunk is at the other end of the spectrum. Fast becoming known as

The Drunksy. This breed of crawler appears after watering all night at the Good Luck Bar or Matterhorn to puke or piss in the Bucket fountain.
Other signs of the Drunksy are the inability to climb stairwells or recall any event of said watering activities. The Drunksy doesn't have a care in the world save finding a cab home. Is possibly too involved with his or herself to find one.

The Cafe Crowd

Hipsters on Cuba Street drinking fair trade coffee, perhaps at Fidel's. According to their TS shirts, they believe Che lives and Fair trade and any other world saving slogan or Live 8 concert is gonna make a difference.

Everyone else

Just heading up to Real Groovey records for the latest Goldfrapp remix single on vinyl....

Pick up your pencil, mate

So like apparently the 'Whuddy Huddy' as my bro calls it or The Red Shed as media commentators call it, it is considering undertaking a new venture. In a move that surely strengthens calls to raise the drinking age, The Wharehouse is likely to sell cellarable products. So its cheap plonk and piss from the whuddy huddy all round.

While I'm not likely to stop in for a few cold Fosters (ha kidding u know I meant Steinies) on my way to some random party worthy of a JJ gatecrash - it could be a good place to stock up the beer fridge.

Someone somewhere perhaps somewhat joking suggested the warehouse will start selling the two buck chuck version of red wine like Walmart or somesuch entity in the States does.

This reminded me of what we called the Five Buck Chuck in the hostels at Massey Palmy circa 1996. The girls used to head down to Pak and Slave and come back with their 5 buck chucks of Spumante. AKA Spulenty. And boy did they.

There's nothing like watching ur flatmate sleeping in their own stinkin spew is there?

Lines - they're all in the delivery

So you would be suprised at how well the line "Baby, you're so hot everytime you walk past the fridge the butter melts" actually works....

Regular programming will resume shortly.

The Curious Inhabitants of the Quay

So after the expose that was The Terrace, I turn now to the old shoreline, Lambton Quay of Wellington.

Various creatures inhabit this stretch. It's like some sort of golden mile but without the pokie machines or hookers...

The Metro Sheep

Following their hunger and the crowd, they seek stomach satisfaction at New World Metro. High Priced Goods and Limited Choice is what these Quay citizens crave. Spotted in the huge queues about 12 - 1pm with their over priced chicken rolls and overprices sushi pieces.

The Godbotherer

Specifically that guy in a cap with the cool accent handing out brochures confirming Jimmy Jangles is going to hell (and should be there already). Or on a broader level, those over-smiley people holding books of some kind that I really really should read.

The Collector

More annoying than the godbotherers because they actually want something worth more than my soul – my cash. Jimmy Jangles doesn't work for the Man to give it away to causes of dubious merit. I mean for a godbotherers's sake the other week there was a guy collecting to give people helicopter rides!

Often one must run the Lambton Quay Gauntlet of Cash Collectors United as they harass you for spare change or a yuppie meal ticket. A case could be made that it's easier to give one of them some shrapnel and get a pretty sticker/ribbon/flower off them so the other Collectors know not to hassle you further.

A less common sub species of the Collector is:

The "The sign you up for a good cause" Dude.

You know the guy well. He looks like a tree hugger that's run out of unique and individual trees to hug. His dreads smell worse that a dead dog and his t-shirt screams at you to 'go organic'. He wants you to join Green Peace or some other well intentioned but ignorant of the real world whale saving / tree hugging outfit.

Sign your life away for a good cause his forms say! Only 10 bucks a week will save the Earth! I know a lovely lass that deliberately talks to the Good Cause Dude just to rob him of the chance to ensnare the good people of the Quay. Her record is 47 minutes arguing about the merits of the WTO.

The 16 year old slapper

She's sixteen and not sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flabby tummy like its sexy, hoping you notice her inny is pierced, as is probably her tongue. Wears giant bug eyed sunglasses thinking she's Paris Hilton, though instead of carrying a dog in her handbag she has her ugly best Nicole friend for companionship.

The 16 year old belle

She's sixteen, sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flat tummy as its sexy and you notice her pierced inny. U hope her tongue is pierced. She wears her bug eyed glasses and you would choose her over Paris Hilton. Instead of carrying a dog in her handbag… you just wish….

The Kircaldie and Stains Shopper.

Only the best will do for this inhabitant of the Quay. Example only the best cheeses imported from a 1 man cheese making enterprise niche from Poland will do because lets face it Cheesedale Chedder is shit for parties. Shoes? Ties? Scarves? Wine tasting? They have it all because they must have it all. Seen queing eagerly at 6.15 am for world famous in the Wairarapa Kirks sales, these shoppers invented the term no holds barred. During a sales melee they can be counted on to find the perfect pink YSL whilst fending of crazed pregnant ladies, the purple rinsed gang ladies and wives 'sent' in to get half price Van Heusens.

So, where do you fit in? ;)

Terrace Observations

Today I was walking along with the other bureaucrats on the Terrace. There was a fire engine (shiny and red) doing what fire engines do (flashing shiny and red sirens). So what does a fellow walker attempt to do? Use the Zebra crossing. As if the FE is gonna stop just because its outside the painted diamond....

This got me thinking about the inhabitants of the Terrace. Who are these people and what do they do?

There are the Caffiened fiends type. Suited druggies line up for the non fat soy milk latte whoismes all day. They patiently wait for their turn, nervous balls of withdrawn introvertedness soon to become as excited as Tom Cruise on a couch. Kind of like me when I'm away from the X box too long.

There are the Suit wearing I'm here because I mean business but I actually come across as a wanker type. And that's just the female version. U can spot them because they think they can step out in front of fire engines travelling faster than a speeding motocade, expecting them to stop.

There's the Stressed out courier type. Sweaty from running in and out of elevators all day, they have lost salty fluids and are disoriented. They park in strange places and have no regard for indicator signals or oncoming traffic.

There's the IT geek type. These are the dudes that you never fuck with. Always be nice to the IT geek, even if they are just passing on the street. U never know when your department's IT Geek needs will be outsourced to their firm. Often found with the Caffiend fiends type. Can understand what the Matrix sequels actually meant.

Policy Boffins Types. Older versions of yours truly. U can spot them because they are still wearing suits styled in the 19th century. Only recently have they been convinced to get rid of their black rimmed specatacles. I name these chaps 'Magi of the Terrace'. They are fountain from which all knowledge orginally came. Now we just use Google so sadly, they are a dying breed.

I'll finish with the common garden variety of the Late for Work Type. Observed as they spiritedly dash off the Terrace and across Bowen Street whilst applying copious amounts of Max Factor ugly remover while simultaneously spilling coffee on their very white 'walking to walk only never to enter a gym ever' sneakers.

What's it to be NZ? The money or the bag?

So in the case of the election voting I acted true to thine ownself and voted accordingly. In the end. I didn't even really know who I was gonna vote for till about 2 seconds b4 I put orange pen to paper. I thought of the good people of Epsom and decided that rich* people are smart people and went for it - so Rodney, u have at least one special vote waiting for ya back at the office. Fat lot of good it will da ya though!

(*Is Epsom a really rich electorate? I dunno I just got that impression)

Some blogger somewhere who I forget noted the election was a The Money or the Bag situation. And so it appears NZ chose the bag praying for some new whiteware but really knowing they were just gonna get the boobie prize.

Hmmm sweater muffins.

Best result of the election as far as I can tell its that Nandor Tacobell is out. I just don't like the tree hugger in him. The fact he looks like an uprooted / upside down tree is just wrong. He was the boobie prize last time round. And some woman apparently find him sexy? I just wanna run over his skateboard with a steam roller. Drugs are bad hmmkay???

Except television. That's a drug the whole nation benefits from. It also a cheap baby sitter and improves kid 'kabulary too e.g. bugger, sheepshagger.

I bet Keith Locke is glad he is not obliged to run down the main street of Christchurch eh? Yep, as George of Seinfeld would surely point out, it would shrink like a turtle. Helen would need the Hubble telescope rather than a magnifying glass.

Whoooaaa ohhh I'm not a working class man.....

Uncle Timmy was recently in Aussie inspecting at his Opal mine. He loves the V8 cars and bought back a CD devoted to rock songs supposedly that remind u of V8s called A Tank Full of Rock - an excellent rock collection. On it was Driving Wheels by Jimmy Barnes.

That song has become the number 1 played track on the old ipod lately. Today I went and bought the Best of Barnsie called Antholgy and the Best of Cold Chisel, Chisel.

What's my point?

The Chisel cd had a sticker saying it was $19.95, I pay that and take it back to work. Now I hate having stickers on my CD's so I peeled the price sticker off - underneath was another say it had been $17.95 ..... Sounds like I was a sucker eh?

JJ shares a dodgy story

So last night bout 9.30pm ish I was walking thru the vacant concrete area just off Bidwell st, cutting through the road between the trees. Its a very quiet and probably largely unknown side street. It's also usually pitch black and empty.

Not so last night.

There was a late model something a rather parked up with the light on. I get closer and there's a bald man in the back seat. I get closer still and cannot help but observe there's a woman with her blonde hair tied back leaning over in front of him. Quite low, so to speak.

With no option but to continue past I ventured forth, looking straight a head, not daring to get an eyeful.

After I escaped I thought to myself, "at least the sex industry is alive and well under a Clark lead Government...."

Richie Rich eat yer heart out

So like my first ever check from Google turned up last night - 103 bucks US ! woo hoo I'm rich! It took six months for enuff of yas all to click the adds to ur right enuff times, thanks guys and girls. I think I'll pay off the mortgage ;)

Some cool Richies:

Richie Cunningham
Richie Benaud
Richie Sambora

A good old mumbling rant from JJ

So u can't really escape that that the election has turned to a load of bollocks can ya? You also have to wonder why Aunty Helen needs a magnifying glass too ... doesn't she know where to look? Oh maybe she was refering to ACTs polling size?

Feed my frankenstein !

Blue for that matter doesn't really suit me but whatever, if the shirt fits wear it? God I'm rambling again. I need sugar. Or beer.

So like Trent Reznor sometimes sings, "What have I become" - Today I was typing away I edited myself. 'Complainant' became 'service user' - All because I thought it sounded nice. What have I become indeed - I am Mr PC, the ultimate king of correct! Don't worry I haven't turned completely to the Dark Side. Yet. The force is strong with this one.....

Speaking of Meat Loaf, when is he gonna release a new album?

Note to self: Get a life


Is my ring of light
While shooting aliens is my right,
Elites drive me insane
While Brutes are fair game

Random, but I was trying to be like Ogden Nash. There's a reason he's famous and I'm not.

Also I was trying to figure out what NCEA stands for. Then it struck me Nonone Causing Education Anywhere.

Which is unfair to all the hard working teachers out there. Hey is Mrs Jones still alive?

Hands up those who:

Are board of the election campaigns?
Think Ricky Ponting has finally proved he's not a good captain?
Still believe in the Care Bear Stare?
Care about Rowing. I mean really, its not very exciting is it?
Knows blogging is over rated yet find themselves strangely addicted to them?

Questions of no importance to round out the week

1) Will some body pls give Johnny Depp an oscar?
2) Are u hanging out for Pirates of the Caribbean 2?
3) Should Keira Knightley get implants or do you just love her actually?
4) Should Keith Richards sue Johnny Depp for copyright infringements?
5) Did Charlie Chicken really have a 21 Jump St lunch box?
6) Can u get Satisfaction?
7) Why can't you get no Satisfaction?
8) Does Wacko Jacko still "Beat it"?
9) Or does Bubbles VIII do it?
10) Why are u still reading this?


If you notice this notice you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing at all.


I'm having steak for dinner and nothing else.

So two days into being a public servant and je say its gonna be really interesting, as there are cool issues to be dealt to and cool people to deal with.

There's also plenty of random shite like sausage rolls that taste like chicken.

Am suffering from a bad case of TLA though. In government speak (double speak?) that's too many three letter acronyms..... Oh dear that joke's terrible, just like the rolls.

Shiny Happy Shoes Holding Feet

Had a random thought whilst wandering the Quay today - Are ideas sold or are ideas bought?

As in like who sold Steve Jobbs the Ipod concept or did he buy into it?

Man, hands up if ur sick of spammers spamming ur comments section? Word verifcation or whatever has now been installed. Sorry for that nuisance but I'm sick of reading "Hey excellent blog..." and then thinking ohhh how love me, you really do but then getting burnt when I get offered little blue pills at cut rate deals.

All your dreams are made, when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade.

All your dreams are made, when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade - What's the (Story Morning Glory)?

So I have a distinct lack of inspiration at the moment so I’m going with a Rolling Stone Magazine classic – favourite albums!

(What's the Story) Morning Glory? album picture

1) Oasis (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?. This is the album why I learned to play guitar. I made David and Ergie teach me chords so I could play Wonderwall. It was a huge mistake. All through university I pissed off everyone with my incessant crappy playing. I had some other cool teachers who got me through like Matt and Justin too. Now I’m a legend in my own lunch hour. Just like Noel is.

Oasis rock. People diss them but no one can deny the sing-along powers of Wonderwall, Don’t Look Back in Anger or Cast no Shadow. This album goes hand in hand with Definitely Maybe.

I love Oasis so much I started a dedicated site to there brilliance, The Swamp Song!

2) Live – Throwing Copper – I was watching Juice TV one night circa 95’ (?) and saw this song called Lightening Crashes and fell in love with the band. I went and found the album. The next week it was number one. I was kinda pissed as I thought I had found my own cool band. This album confirmed that it was ok for me to not accept drama I had been sold.

3) Achtung Baby – The second U2 album I ever bought. Sonically it’s probably one of the best albums ever. ‘One’ is U2’s masterpiece. The solo in The Fly is one of my faves of all time. I’m a proud owner of an officially sanctioned pair of Fly glasses. Am I bugging ya? Don’t mean to bug ya.

4) R.E.M. - Automatic For the People. Its just fucking brilliant music making. Simple chords, restrained riffs and quiet imagery lead to just a perfect pathos running through each and every song. Find the River possibly the best album closer ever. Seeing REM play during Easter has been a highlight of life.

5) Nirvana – Unplugged. It has the line ‘Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop and a book about birds’. Nuff Said.

I just realised I got all these albums in my last year of school. You could read a lot into that I guess.

Has your torrent turned into a trickle?

One of the benefits of being a man is having the ability to easily pee standing up and hence urinals were developed. Which brings me to prostates. I often drink at the Feathers bar, which is not a really Courtenay Place ‘cool’ bar but just a decent place to have an after work beer or to watch the rugger or whatever. Lots of older men frequent it – the over 50s, semi alcholic, have to be dragged home to their wives kinda drinkers. And their prostates are packing up big time.

I can go into the Feathers’ pisser, piss out my last three beers in what seems like 20 odd seconds (a flash in the pan so to speak) while these poor buggers are hovering over the urinal struggling with getting out a tea spoon's worth of dribble.
All because they have an enlarged prostate.

Aging is one mean mofo.

My granddad once candidly described to me his prostate examination. I can recall him talking about the technician ‘shoving a wire up it’. Not exactly typical granddad/grandson conversation but I guess it was more interesting than feeding the ducks.