My girl baked me cake and biscuits. Suck on this.
I'm having dinner at the White House ce soir. Suck on ur pinot noir.
I'm going to the Kelt Capital Races on sat. Suck on that.
Ronald Reagan once noted that..
'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidise it. '
Jimmy Jangles on the other hand would rather the Spice Girls' approach to life to be applied to the economy:
'You've got to swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you
think you are?
think you are?
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are'
Cuba Street. It's where the weird people are. And the wild. A real menagerie of people – it's the nexus for just about every kind of activity of exchange in the Wgtn CBD. Its the Trademe of the real world. Hookers or handbags – its has it all. In fact it's probably the closest thing Wellington has to an Otara Market.
Thus JJ brings you his observations of the Cuba Street Crawlers.
This is a diverse group of money makers. From the Spanish guitar player to the guy with the imaginary guitar they all try their luck. Scruffy or impeccably turned out – it's a hit and miss affair as to who yer gonna get. My personal fave was the English guy who did b-side covers of Oasis and Ocean Colour Scene tunes. Sadly missing for a while now.
These players are prone to turf wars, particularly a certain Pacific Island woman who gets hacked off with the amped up imaginary guitar players. These exchanges are usually more entertaining than the music on offer.
The Cosmic Corner Crowd.
They believe in the cosmic. As in they are 'especially distinct from Earth'. Enough said.
Falls into two distinct categories.
If I could sum up the first with two words it would be "Blanket Man". Without a doubt BM is Wellington's most famous bum. Certain to be found drunk or stoned with his other drunk or stoned comrades loitering somewhere near the Bucket Fountain.
Famous for exposing himself and smoking weed this guy doesn't have a care in the world. He is possibly too drunk and stoned too realise this however.
The other category of The Drunk is at the other end of the spectrum. Fast becoming known as
The Drunksy. This breed of crawler appears after watering all night at the Good Luck Bar or Matterhorn to puke or piss in the Bucket fountain.
Other signs of the Drunksy are the inability to climb stairwells or recall any event of said watering activities. The Drunksy doesn't have a care in the world save finding a cab home. Is possibly too involved with his or herself to find one.
The Cafe Crowd
Hipsters on Cuba Street drinking fair trade coffee, perhaps at Fidel's. According to their TS shirts, they believe Che lives and Fair trade and any other world saving slogan or Live 8 concert is gonna make a difference.
Just heading up to Real Groovey records for the latest Goldfrapp remix single on vinyl....
So after the expose that was The Terrace, I turn now to the old shoreline, Lambton Quay of Wellington.
Various creatures inhabit this stretch. It's like some sort of golden mile but without the pokie machines or hookers...
The Metro Sheep
Following their hunger and the crowd, they seek stomach satisfaction at New World Metro. High Priced Goods and Limited Choice is what these Quay citizens crave. Spotted in the huge queues about 12 - 1pm with their over priced chicken rolls and overprices sushi pieces.
Specifically that guy in a cap with the cool accent handing out brochures confirming Jimmy Jangles is going to hell (and should be there already). Or on a broader level, those over-smiley people holding books of some kind that I really really should read.
More annoying than the godbotherers because they actually want something worth more than my soul – my cash. Jimmy Jangles doesn't work for the Man to give it away to causes of dubious merit. I mean for a godbotherers's sake the other week there was a guy collecting to give people helicopter rides!
Often one must run the Lambton Quay Gauntlet of Cash Collectors United as they harass you for spare change or a yuppie meal ticket. A case could be made that it's easier to give one of them some shrapnel and get a pretty sticker/ribbon/flower off them so the other Collectors know not to hassle you further.
A less common sub species of the Collector is:
The "The sign you up for a good cause" Dude.
You know the guy well. He looks like a tree hugger that's run out of unique and individual trees to hug. His dreads smell worse that a dead dog and his t-shirt screams at you to 'go organic'. He wants you to join Green Peace or some other well intentioned but ignorant of the real world whale saving / tree hugging outfit.
Sign your life away for a good cause his forms say! Only 10 bucks a week will save the Earth! I know a lovely lass that deliberately talks to the Good Cause Dude just to rob him of the chance to ensnare the good people of the Quay. Her record is 47 minutes arguing about the merits of the WTO.
The 16 year old slapper
She's sixteen and not sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flabby tummy like its sexy, hoping you notice her inny is pierced, as is probably her tongue. Wears giant bug eyed sunglasses thinking she's Paris Hilton, though instead of carrying a dog in her handbag she has her ugly best Nicole friend for companionship.
The 16 year old belle
She's sixteen, sweet and she knows it. Flaunts her flat tummy as its sexy and you notice her pierced inny. U hope her tongue is pierced. She wears her bug eyed glasses and you would choose her over Paris Hilton. Instead of carrying a dog in her handbag… you just wish….
The Kircaldie and Stains Shopper.
Only the best will do for this inhabitant of the Quay. Example only the best cheeses imported from a 1 man cheese making enterprise niche from Poland will do because lets face it Cheesedale Chedder is shit for parties. Shoes? Ties? Scarves? Wine tasting? They have it all because they must have it all. Seen queing eagerly at 6.15 am for world famous in the Wairarapa Kirks sales, these shoppers invented the term no holds barred. During a sales melee they can be counted on to find the perfect pink YSL whilst fending of crazed pregnant ladies, the purple rinsed gang ladies and wives 'sent' in to get half price Van Heusens.
So, where do you fit in? ;)