Well whaddaya know?

The Black Caps have found some spine! Cheerz Flem.

TVNZ irks unions with in-house competition

This is why I hate unions. Earth to New Zealand Writers Guild et al, come in you are the 'real blow'. Meh I can't be assed writing a diatribe. You know me.

Well now, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout

So like I was wandering passed the Deluxe cafĂ© this morning (its by the Embassy Theatre) and I noted they were playing a Johnny Cash song. They being the 'Ukelele Orchestra'… so picture this - 8am at the coffee house and 7 ukeleles and one upright bass are punching out Jackson by The Man In Black.

They were singing along like it was a regular hootenanny (ooogga oogaa oggaa!) – it was quite a cordial chord chorus, they were 'off' as singers, though very enthusiastic, but put the musicians, coffee and the whole vibe together it was quite cool almost unreal errr…. almost surreal. The manager ? of the Deluxe was outside and told us they practiced every Thursday – so if ur about next week head on over for some coffee and Cash.


Oh funny story… oh wait she'll kill me if I tell…..

L’Anzac Day dat was.

  • Le biggg gran march on hike dans le crashing rain chez mount Victoria
  • Le Pancake breakfast, Amerriycan! style. Sans le outen glutten!
  • Le Plaza, say   tray grande neeee pah?
  • La purchasa da une chemise, noi. Tray shiek may wee!
  • Apresshopski, jay le fatigue feet ski alors…
  • Du Vin and le bifteck!
  • Puis nu regardonsed les 'Reservoir Dogs' alors - 'a re you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?'

Bus Etiquette

So like Bus Etiquette
The Loser Cruiser, as The Whore so wondrously calls it, is a daily bain of my life. It gets me to work. It gets me home from work. That's it. I don't read me Dickens, Bronte or Playboy.

It is full of people. Rich and poor. Skinny and phat. Tall and squat. Skinny or a brick shit house. Dumb and smart. Dumb and dumber but usually full of dumb and dumberer people. Its also about individual space. That about that private zone we all have. That precious space. That space we defend when the close talker moves in with garlic breath. When these things all merge the interactions between people become quite delicate and so bus etiquette has developed.

The most common form of such is the giving up your seat routine for pregnant woman, old people and the sick and disabled. Or if you're particularly noble, mother with kid, pram etc. even though you've paid for your ticket and the right to sit, its almost that one is obliged to stand for these people. No real dramas really.

It's when everyone starts to cram in when the further behaviours tend to get a lil more interesting.

Let's start with filling the bus. Like a gas which disperse so each molecule is evenly spread out, so become the riders of the loser cruiser. We all take an individual seat. Its so we can defend our personal space. Its is perfectly natural - I don't want to sit next to that fat woman taking up my seat nor do you want to sit next to a Jimmy jangles that's had 12 beers do ya?

But it's the defence of this space that's interesting. You want the two seats to yourself. So you put your bag on the second to discourage potential seat buddies. You lounge over it. You stare at the prospective sitter like a rabid Cujo. You fart copiously. Or not. I guess its fair behaviour if there are multiple seats available. If the bus is full and you are doing this you are a prick. I hate you and wish you were dead. I should not have to ask you to remove you back or fat carcass so I can sit.

There's also the reverse. If you are sitting on a bus doubled up with Mr I Forgot to Wash Again and a single sweat becomes available – you take that seat and then defend, defend defend! You don't have to move and you wont be called a prick by JJ for not doing so but it's a handy way of saying, "wash you filthy pig! "

The Cue 2 the back of the bus. The bus can take a million people if we all cram in. If there are no seats one generally heads to the back door and grabs a pole. Jessica Alba is quite good at grabbing a pole. If needing advice on pole grabbing ask her. More people come on, the line gets longer – and naturally more crammed at the front because that person is still standing by the door, refusing to go all the way to the back. You sir, are a bus prick and I hate you. Get to the back! I'm late for work cos I played Xbox live till 3am – I need that last foot so I can get on the damn bus. If I don't, I write bad policy cos my boss yelled at me for being late and the world in turn hates me, see?

There's the getting off the bus. If you have note signalled this to your seat buddy by pulling the chain or pressing that magic red button a simple but firm "that's my one!" will ease the transition out the bus. Don't be one of those middle aged bitches that seem to insist you move all your shopping so they can get out 10 minutes before the bus actually stops. You are a bus bitch and I hate you. I want to smash your head in with my cauliflower so your ears look like Buck Shelford's. Get off and home to your ten cats.

And lastly there's the farewell to the driver. Most bus drivers are useless bastards of the dumb and dumberer variety. I judge them on their attitude to the ticket transaction. If you read this blog a lot you'll know I have issues with bus drivers. So the farewell. If out the front, a quick cheers is given if they meet my attitude test. Other wise I exit without a grunt.

Back door is another matter – I generally give a wave. This is so they know I am still getting off and should not close the door on my face. I am not one of these cheery blokes who give a farewell fit for the Queen. These people are surely psychopathic.

Talking on the fone. Afeter hearing your dreadfull ring tone ring for 7 minutes we already knwo you are on teh bus. There's no need to shout it into the fone for our benefit. You deaf git.

Well that's some quick observation of the top o me head – whaddya think I missed? I could go on about bags in the aisle, you banging your bag in my face as I sit while you pass but I'm done.

10 Questions

  • Why are Xbox 360 wireless connectors so damn expensive?
  • Will Pearl Jam's new album actually rock? Check out the lyrics to Pearl Jam's Lightning Bolt
  • How can Jason Gillespie score more in a single innings than an entire Black Caps innings?
  • Wishing Matty 'Skippy' Sinclair had of been picked instead of any one in the top order?
  • Should I have the Korma or Rogan Josh for lunch?
  • What's your Melbourne Cup pick?
  • Been poked in the face lately?
  • Or just poked?
  • Will Chinese Democracy ever be delivered?
  • What about the new GNR album?

A few things:

Repeat after me: Australia is not in danger of losing the test match to Bangladesh

When is Zach de la Rocha delivering his Chinese Democracy?
Does anybody here remember Vera Lyn?

Gee up Neddy!

11 was 1 racehorse
22 was 12
1111 race and

Mum taught me that years ago!

Tiny England

'Sing the team tune, write the team tune' - come on that's just genius!