Moo

You know what? I feel like a big bloody steak for dinner.

She dreams in colour, she dreams in red

I was staring at the sun of my pc screen when I heard myself singing 'she dreams in colour, she dreams in red' and I thought – yep, that's one of my fave songs. So for ur listening pleasure here's a random list of some favourite songs. Its the usual suspects as you would expect.

 

Better Man                                Pearl Jam

Rocking Chair                            Oasis

Wonderwall                               Oasis

The Fly                                     U2

Country Feedback                     REM

Lightning Crashes                      Live

Losing my Religion                     REM

Where did you sleep last night? Nirvana

 

The best thing about them all is they have cool guitar chords amd changes - all fairly easy to play along to guitar karoke style. Except the Fly. I'll leave the fiddly bits to The Edge.....

 

Note: If you disagree with this most perfect of lists, I will come and trash your house, Talking Heads style.

Have you met my bruva? Yep, I’ll have another.

Lessons Learned in the weekend Pt 1984

• So like Legoman - still freakin rocks eh? 16 one day centuries! 
• Hurricanes, Hurricanes! 
• 'Hostel' movie is shite. Eli Roth should be shot. I'd pay to see that. Fuck u, Tarantino Presents 
• Fosters is a good cheep substitute if you refuse to pay $23.95 for Steinlager from the dairy. 
• Halo 2 – never play with Levi, he shoots you in the back. Repeatedly. 
• The cancer of time is eating us away. Henry Miller, (in your back pocket, you little fucker) told me that. 
• 20 days till U2! I hope they play Stay. AM I bugging ya? Don't mean to bug ya. 
• Waitangi Park: Open for business – looks like it was expensive. The moat is already full of shit & rubbish. Other wise it looks good. 
• The Warratahs – still cruising on the Inter- Islander ferry after all of these years. Have you met my bruva? Yep, I'll have another. 
• The Phoenix Foundation – rather shit live. McGyver would have sorted them out.

No, I really do hate reality TV

Being full of red blooded lads, our flat watched the Bomber, the socialist bastard, and his dodgy doco last night on models and photographers. It was quality steakout reality tv. They got some hot wee thing to pretend to want to be photographed for FHM magazine. Apparently the NZ editor was a dodgy character and he 'auditioned'  the prospective talent in his very own bedroom in lingerie of his choice. Not ur normal modelling audition apparently… hmmmm lingerie. I wonder if they dude was into his sexy cos play

LSS he managed to convince the wannabe model to bring another wannabe model for a twosome shoot. More dodgyiness happened as the editor tried to get the girls to put fingers in each other's panties and go wild in the 69 position. All this caught on hidden cameras.

Further LSS the editor no longer works for FHM.

The flat really enjoyed this impressive piece of investigative journalism and so settled in for the night, Foster's lagers in hand, to watch the next piece of reality TV. Some kind of Wife Swap show.  One religious zealot nut case went to live with a bunch of hippies while the hippy wife when to the nut case's family.

The show centred on the Nut case. To paraphrase Deuce Biggalo, 'what a fucking huge bitch!'. And that's in the more ways than one sense. This Hulkster was a word of the lord, praise Jesus and all his saints, you are not Christian so I hate you kind of girl I ate a whole horse for lunch kind of girl. Her high girl power was Jesus the Lord and Saviour.   

She was, in fact the, Antichrist. That sex pistols song may have actually been written for her. I can see why the muslims went nuts on the Danish. If this girl wanted to she could have eaten all the Danish in the world and still had room left over for a whole other population. I loved to hate this person so I have to watch next week to see how the hippy wife goes with the Christians.

And now a word form our sponsor -  Go the Canes!!!!!!!!

Short and Sweet

South Park – funny, funny but get over it. What's next on the 'lets offend people agenda' ? Paris Hilton?  

Woeful Windies -  WTF? We nearly lost! Go Lucas!

Shane Bond – The true lord and saviour. If any one takes the piss out of him I'll burn down an embassy.

I got big balls, you got big balls but C4 has the biggest balls of all!

So I've been thinking about this whole South Park and the bloody mary issue. At first I thought why the fuss about a drink? But then the penny dropped, it is Virgin in a Condom Pt II but without Graeme Capill causing a fuss. Sounds like South Park is back to its best.

 

He's been pretty quiet lately has Mr Capill. Maybe his jaw is still sore. NE ways back 2  South Park – 'Oh my god look, censorship coming straight for us!' Pass the sanitary pad, I say, so I can shove it down your pious throat.

 

I applaud TV 4 for being forward this whole bloody issue to our screens early.

 

It's the whole Voltaire thing here really – those who don't want the bloody mary show to screen can say what they like and I'm cool with that. They should not watch it. Its when some one demands the removal of the show from the program we get irked – cos that's not free speech, that's censorship. (Like wise don't buy the paper if it's cartoon offends)

 

I know all this has sprung up in light of Mohammed getting himself in the papers and so there's a story here that the MSM et al is keen on - I'm actually surprised I haven't seen that guy from the Soc iety For Promotion Of Community Standards that tries to ban every filthy movie that comes town chiming in. He may have. I'm chiming it and that too is free speech …

 

It was suggested on the Rock radio this am what if it was our local show Bro Town that did such a thing? Well Bro Town never would have dared – its not that kind of show (and the mum's of the show writers would have given them the jandal). But if it was a kiwi show depciting a bloody mary would it be screened at all?? I suspect that C4 would be tempted to do so. They could blame it on Jeff da maori. TV3 would not risk it. Wayyyy too much advertising at stake.  It would be too close to home for most Kiwis. It would be like Judy Bailey stripping on Holmes or something.

 

In short, good on ya C4 for having some balls.

 

Hail Mary!

It's funny how

Its funny how life goes from being a beach to being a bitch, innit?

I am the Master Chief

The Chief

I blog, therefore I surely exist so it makes sense that my flat got sold and I'm going to be homeless. Xbox games and Steinlagers are not cheap so now that I'll be living on the street I can spend what was my rent money on that. You know I don't make sense at the best of times so this would explain why Tom Cruise doesn't write to me any more.  I'll choose Courtney Place as my street, and thus my neighbour will be Blanket Man. I hope he doesn't steal my beer.

If I'm going to live on the street I need a gimmick. You know, like that Kenny Rogers look-a-like guy with his 'the mayor stole my amp sign' (where does he live anyway?) or the crazy juggler or Jason Gunn and Thingy.

Clearly, I'll have no where to plug in my Xbox on the street. The gimmick could surround that. I could be the dude who pretends he's clocking Halo 2 on Legendary mode. I'll drunkenly yell at people who get in the way of of my powerless tv screen. It will be drunkenly because I have to drink my beers in one go before Blanket Man steals them.

The excellent thing about this lil plan is that I will save on cab rides as well. When I drunkenly leave Kitty Os bar I will already be home, ready for some Xbox. The other wicked awesome thing would be that I'll always know if its raining.

  

Every CPI increase has a silver lining (or other random nonsense)

Matty Damon said in the Rainmaker, "this is an outrage your Honour!" and so it is with the price of my morning tipple 'V' going up 20 cents a bottle. That's about a 6.666666666 percent increase. Clearly the work of Diablo.

 

But it doesn't stop there. My main man at the dairy on Lambton Q (beehive end) tells me not only did Frucor and Coke products go up today, ice creams have done a CPI runner as well and his pie guy says pies are going up too.

 

All because of fuel increases apparently. It's cheaper than bottled water by the litre and yet it is going to cause havoc with my morning regime. Instead of grabbing 2 gold coins from my stash of cash, I now have to grab a silver as well. I need my silver to kill werewolves so it's gonna have to be the big come down – I'll to switch from glass bottles to the small metal cans. Shit that don't work – I'll still need a silver cos cans went up too. Meh! But! if I hand over two gold coins for a can, I'll get some silver back which I can use to kill the werewolves so maybe the petrol price increases has a silver lining or something.

I am the resurrection

So the headlines read "Berlusconi compares himself to Jesus"

Berl is the Italian prime minister and quite possibly one of the boot shaped country's richest men. He claims he is the Jesus Christ of politics. He proudly declared "I am a patient victim, I put up with everyone, I sacrifice myself for everyone."

What is it with Italians and their Godfathers and God the Father? Some kind of misdiagnosed 'We are bigger than Jesus' state of mental delusion? Maybe it's a case of too much Don Christianiano and not enough Don Corleone.

Berl claims he sacrifices himself for everyone. Even muslims? If he has been sacrificed why is he still here? Shouldn't he be rotting on a cross or in some cave somewhere?

He puts up with everyone. Well, I guess he's married then.

"I am a patient victim". A victim of what? Electioneering? The success of his entrepreneurial spirit? His ability to dodge criminal prosecutions?

Can we expect to see Berlusconi dressed up doing his best Jesus Christ pose a la that other misunderstood muppet Kanye West? I'm sensing an emerging trend here amongst famous people. The Hungarian PM recently starred in his own home movie as Hugh Grant and Dick Cheney recently sent in a home movie to America's Funniest Videos of him 'accidentally' blasting shot gun pellets in to the face of his hunting partner. Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton both recently released personal home videos too.

Maybe the fame and power and groupie lovin' has finally got to them all and now they just want to be normal humans doing mortal things. Jesus was merely a man after all, though I have no idea about Hugh Grant.

The Weekend that Wuz pt 3.1465 something something

• Cairns hits a six with his last ball in ODI cricket. Classic.
• Ur lungs cannot drown in Diet Coke, even if you have 17 of them.
• Andrew Symonds – the new Chris Cairns?
• Ipod deaths and rebirths, deaths and reboots – annoying lil fuckers aren’t they
• Alllllriiighhttteeee then.
• Ohh Ahhh Umaga! Suck on that you Jaffas!* **
• I lost my house keys
• I found my house keys.
• Insert your own cooler story here


*why are the jaffa Blues rugby team colours blue? Every true blue kiwi knows jaffas are red. Especially red faced after a 5 tries to 1 ass kicking!ha
** Jaffas: Just another fucking Aucklander

Sometimes, you can take the grammies home

Maybe america does know something about rock after all.  With U2 and Greenday winning the big grammy awards over wannabes like Kanye West, I feel the universe may have tripped over itself into some semblance of order. Viva la rock. Of the ass kicking Bono said " You can't ask me to be humble at a moment like this" fucking aye. The rock messiah has spoken.

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee ...



Things we have Pulp Fiction to thank for:

Making Mayonnaise/Aololi become very popular as a bar snack

We can use cool lines like "are we cool?" and "Zed's dead, baby; Zed's dead!"

The resurrection of John Travolta (because without Swordfish we may never have seen Halle's Comets)

We all understand the metric system a little better. Royale with Cheese?

The countless lives saved through giving a shot of adrenaline through someone's sternum which has been carefully defined using a magic marker to create a magic mark.

When your priest mentions Ezekiel 25:17, you know exactly what he means:



Things we have Pulp Fiction to blame for:

Samuel L Jackson turning up as Mace Vindaloo in Star Wars.

Whatever Trevor

Whatever happened to this blog ?
Whatever happened to Pacifier?
Whatever happened to John Hawkesby?
Whatever happened to Big Ted?
Whatever happened to Debbie who did Dallas?
Whatever happened to Charles who was in Charge?
Whatever happened to your money for nothing and your chicks for free?

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool

Yeah Right

Wisteria Whispers (or Goonies Forever)

Desperate Housewives is back!

 

After last night watching the opening episode of the 2^nd series I guess I can conclude that at the least it is still rich with its delicious black humour. The bullet through the window breaking the alcoholic's bourbon bottle debacle was classic. And as bad TV as you will ever see. Bring Back Blossom I say. Now that was some quality TV.

 

As for Bree's abrupt tie change for her dead husband mid-funeral that was blacker than the icky tar on my lil bro's lungs (why is it I can only remember Bree's name of all the characters in m y must watch programme?).

I fear the show is prepping to jump the shark early. The polite as pie black folk appear to have Son of Sloth hog tied in the basement… ohh its so scary I'm gonna have to watch to find out who it is!

 

Not – I'm watching for Bree's decent into lavish lush. I can imagine her half a bottle of Bombay Saphhire down, on all fours washing the floor. You can remove the last 3 words from that last sentence if you wish cos hey, who's never fallen over drunk right?

 

But dammit janet, I do hate Terry Hatcher's character.   She is so annoying …. Hey! lets set this house on fire,  lets get involved with a dirty plumber (god who knows where his hands have been), Ready Ike? lets drop the baby and lets run over the blonde bitch cos she had sex with my ex….and golly gosh is she ever not crying over a man? Maybe she's still cranky McGyer broke her heart. I'll cut her some slack here though, I think it would be hard for me to get over McGyver too. Dammit Janet (2), now I have the McGyer tune in my head ..   

 

Ne ways mum, don't call me on Mondays 8.30 to 9.30 pm, I'm busy.

What would Jake the Muss think of this?

Well, while one night out wearing a dress, Lee Tamahori, of Once Were Warriors directorial, fame has been caught doing a George Micheal of sorts  on the Santa Monica Boulevard. I guess we now know why he did the xXx movie sequel!  

 

I checked out the IMDB and found this pearler of a quote from Lee "Sex should not be in the movies and should be in the home, and violence should be in the movies and not in the home."   

 

Speaking of Santa Monica,  my other big question is what ever happened to Everclear?

 

 

Every Atom Draws Great Big Electrons

So like this is probably a you-had-to-be-there story but whatever....

 

I went to the music store the other day to get me some strings for my faithful Takamine guitar. I walk in and say to the hippy looking dude 'Hey dude, gimme some Martin Strings , low gauge please

 

'Sure dude, you want bronze or phosphorous?

 

Bluffing I say, 'I think I'll stick with the phosphorous, they give a rich tone

 

Hippy enthusiastically replies, 'Oh yeah man that's soooo true, these ones are great for the mids, you get great levels man!!!!!

 

The Jerry Garcia look-a-like seemed to think I know what I'm talking about and continues with an endless discourse about sonic principles and tonal qualities or something. I figured he'd smoked at least a kilo for lunch so I interupt. 

 

'Ah dude, I have no idea what you're talking about

 

'Oh? Really? These strings are sweet.

 

-

 

Got the strings home, chucked 'em on. Played gat for two minutes and broke the high E. It's a cruel world.

 

 

Fight Against Ridiculous Taxes

Well I'm not an environmental scientist or Bjorn Lomborg so I'm at least as qualified as Nondoris and the Firestarter (twisted firestarter) to claim once and for all Kyoto is shite and here's another reason for getting rid of it. Of course, having more ozone may actually trap in the hot air that politicians world wide expel but that's a risk we'll have to take.