This just in to the JJ Newsdesk!



Optimus Prime, the fearless leader of the Autobots known for his ability to come back from the grave said "Autobots roll out!"

And they did.

moving, just keep me moving.


So about like about 12 years ago I got my Learners Licence. Today I finally sat my restricted...

...and passed.

So you prob be best to stay indoors for a while!

Steinlager Pure lager - Yeah Right


So like are a few truths in life. The All Blacks suck without Richie McCaw, hip hop is not music but a beat and Steinlager is the best god damned beer in the world. And that’s a fact. But to be honest, Supercharger is giving them a run for their money.

No ifs, no buts, no favourite boutique brew from a cold grey garage out the back of Stokes Valley, no imported premium water with added ale.

Drink less of this Steinlager

So why the fuck would Lion Nathan decide that everyday Steinlager needs a richer cousin, the all new preservative free Steinlager Pure. Is Lion Breweries telling me the Steinlager we all know and love is impure? Drinking 12 of them leads you to do impure things, but the pleasure and pain of it all is usually worth it.

Some PR hack-who-does-not-deserve-a-DB wrote “With Steinlager Pure we have bottled the spirit of New Zealand.”

Give. Me. Strength.

Crap like that just smacks of old-school America’s Cup PR champagne/campaign comedy but with a drunk Colin Meads wearing a red sock on his head.

Let’s stick to the facts here: Men drink Steinlager, League players drink Red.

“Steinlager Pure will retail for $24.99 per dozen”. Oh, I get it now, it’s a beer for Auckland Jaffas. I hope they at least sterilized their equipment.

Drink more of this Steinlager
steinlager new zealand lager beer
Steinlager has taste. Steinlager has no taste. There endeth the lesson....

Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.


Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.

Don’t want to iron a shirt or wear a tie?


Wear a nice black vest over the top of that damp wrinkly thing.

Don’t want to that that filing?

One word: Shredder.

Can’t be bothered cooking?

Drink the cooking Sherry

Too many beers, not enough time?
Drink the cooking Sherry.

Extra for experts:

Do not rent The Butterfly Effect 2.

She wore lemon but never in the daylight


She wore lemon but never in the daylight

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. That has been echoing in my brain all morning, such is mondayitis. Don’t believe in Peter Pan or Superman?

Then you don’t believe in anything and you know it.

Maybe rock n roll can really change the world? Well, fat Fanny, Lennon and Lenin both failed. Jack Lemmon, well he could sure act but he was just a bit grumpy and old.

Elvis just checked into Weight Watchers.

Its flu season. Pneumonia / Nu Metal – both make the elderly sick. Well Fred Durst generally makes anyone sick so you could be forgiven for dropping dead next time someone gives you a three dollar bill.

Everything you know is wrong, even beat boxing. That will teach you to murder Bon Jovi, b’arch.

WTW Pt:More coked up than Ms Lindsay


.

Fri - Rogan Josh, Cheesecake

Sat – Dream girl(s)..

Sun – Netball (lost)

Read the Bible, its all gone tribal


Read the paper, cartoons are funny and fun
Close that book, the writer’s a crook
Read the Bible, its all gone tribal.


An embargoed media
The press release is a mere chess piece
Buzz from the Beehive:
There are no sheep in Taranaki!
The information drought keeps us tired
The journos are all on the wacky backy


TV1 news aimed at sheep
Not that you care,
You just want Lisa Lewis in her underwear
Newsprint is good for wrapping fish and chips.
TGIF and I like salty lips

Mr Chris: Not just a Bic Fan


Hello kiddies...

have you been good?

Have you been very good?

Good enough that your Mums will let you out on a school night to catch our 48 Hour film screening?

We need all the support we can get to show those so-called professionals a thing or two.

The details:
48 Hour Film Comp (heat six)
Thursday 24th May, 9.15 pm (sharp!)
Paramount Theatre

If you're asked, tell 'em you're there to support the ICW Productions cast and crew - the sexiest, fiercest, GST-inclusive mofo's in town. Forward this to other like-minded individuals! Do it, or the communists win!!!

He farted, therefore he was


So we was shopping at Pack and Slave and there was a hyperactive kid about 5 years old being pushed by a rather harried and haggard mother.

The kid shouts "I farted!"

Mum goes "not funny!"

I pass, by cracking up

Mum goes "not funny!"

Splat


Splat
It’s a shame when the honey don’t come.
Back of my mind
I think I’ve been held up with out a gun.
Lost your X
Where to find, Y
Splat

DUI
FYI
FBI

Add up to an eye for an eyeful
Splat

Last year, tommorow


Last year, tommorrow,  a really bad poem.

Due to too much interest yesterday is cancelled
But please pencil in last Friday for your eyelash tint
Remember yesterday, all my troubles seemed so close today
Newsflash: at least we remembered your birthday,

Last year, tommorrow

When we climbed a magical faraway tree
At the top where we met otherworldy Kings and Queens
And they didn’t gave us glass diamonds and other pretty things

Tomorrow never knew it was to be a December so blue
So you’ll never remember those future days of strawberry lemonade
Le Monde, it was over played.
Tommorrow, last year

Smells like fish!




Get your share of cock sauce from the Asian Food market by Kilbrinie Pack and Slave!!

Pub Humour


I was down at the pub the other night, I had already had a couple of sherbets when I noticed this good looking sort walk in, bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by unnoticed. I ambled over and chatted her up with my normal suave

"G'day - wanna midi of suds?

Anyway, we got chatting and seemed to be getting on ok, turns out

she was 57, but nevertheless we chatted and laughed and joked a

bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.

She asked me if I had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother & daughter threesome. I thought "Struth mate, you've hit the jackpot here." I said, (nonchalantly)

"Nah..never had one of them...

" So we had a couple more beers and she said

"Tonight's your lucky night!" and we headed off back to her place.

She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....

"Mum, you still awake?"

Scotty went to Prague and took this picture




The middle one looks like the what I imagine the ghost of Princess Leia might look like, now let's move it fly boy.

Its like you're always stuck in second gear



What’s with all the celebrities getting getting so wasted these days?

We’ve had the tabloid trials of Mel Gibson, Brittany Spears and Courtney Love. Paris Hilton and her best gin soaked mate Lushed Lindsay Lohan. Robin and Robbie Williams both crop up. Now Ty Pennington is in in on the act Move that drunken bus driver!

The celebrity drink driver is almost like a rite of passage. Got a movie coming out, get wasted! You can dangle a baby over a balcony, breast feed while high on crack and no one gives a damn but drink drive and you’re a star with your own show case on Entertainment Tonight. Throw in a slur about Jews and the New World Order and you have a box office hit.

Off course no one can top the effort of the Hoff in becoming an all time bonafide Youtube star via his drunken burger consumption efforts. Hell fool, he’s bigger than than my humps, my humps.

We forgive the Hoff cos he was Colby’s dad and Michael Knight. We forgive Mel Gibson cos he was like really really sorry and in doing so invented the Mel Gibson Defence. We’ll forgive Ty because he gives babies with no legs no eyes and no teeth new homes.

We feel no pangs of pain for Paris Hilton cos let’s face it, she had it coming and we hate her cos she’s a rich bitch. We forgive Courtney cos she was married to Kurt and clearly has issues. We’ll forgive Robin Williams for being sober and releasing One Hour Photo cos he was Mork but we wont forgive Michelle Rodriquez cos she sucked on Lost, nor Pete Doherty cos his music is worse than Paris’s last single.

We don’t care about rock stars doing metres of coke and lines of groupies cos that’s what they do. Optimus Prime would never drink and drive, cos thats what Autobot leaders do.

All that said I’d be really keen to go for a beer or 50 with the Hoff. We’d chat about how it used to be a privilege to stay up till 7.30 and watch Knight Rider on a Friday night, laugh at the time someone actually drowned on Baywatch and then we’d go out, have some burgers and crash into Lindsay on her way back from visiting Paris in the slammer.

My Top 5 NZ albums


It's music month and Not PC has added his 5cents worth (probably what those albums cost back in the days) and now its time for mine. Not PC has a fairly eclectic sampling of aural delight. Mine conversely is embarrassingly contemporary… Hell, I thought Hello Sailor was a pick up line.

Jimmy Jangles Top 5 kiwi albums to celebrate Music Month, whatever that is. I’m just glad no-one has played Walkie Talkie Man.



Supergroove: Supergroove. You got to know to understand, my man mike plato. You too could have an abundance of platonic relationships if you were down with not looking down. The guitarist from this band is one of the best riffers NZ has ever had the pleasure of making number one. I try to hide it but they just keep coming. On occasion Che Fu actually sang – To be specific, For Whatever Reason is the best thing he eva did. Shame they let the bassist take over… I can remember buying this CD from Kmart with my wages and rushing home to play it!



Dead Flowers – The orange album - You drink the water, I’ll drink the wine. Magic. If you’re feeling lazy, have another Sunday. Aint that the truth.



Shihad – The Fish Album – has one of my fave lines / lies of any song “You are so majestic, so skilful in the way that you make me sick” (Leo’s song). We’re in the Land, even if your head is a rock. Their beast/best album was the one that followed but for me this is Shihad, orange scales and all.




Crowded House – Together Alone – I don’t care if Neil Finn’s a rich bugger with socialist tendencies (or is that Sam Neil?) – either way his success is deserved with this album. Nails in my Feet has a wicked awesome chord structure and Private Universe is a song that actually takes you to that place. Together Alone’ the closer track is one of the best album closers ever – almost up there with Champagne Supernova by Oasis (I’ve said before Finn is brilliant at opening and closings – Kare Kare aint too bad either). Should have dropped Skin Feeling though. That song bites.



The Feelers: Communicate - The Feelers take a lot of crap, probably for being drunken over sexed wankers but this album has so many gems they can be forgiven. Fishing for Lisa is simple but heart felt, Communicate – great two chord intro. And with songs about the weekend and As Good as Gets these are songs that are as k1w1 as you can get. Stay for the party.

Exactly, Kitty. Like Sea Monkeys.


superman cartoon picture with kyrptonite

Us geeks and freaks all know that Superman is fallible to the radiation of Kryptonite - remmants of his home planet Krypton. We know too he cannot see through lead as explained in Superman movies and a billion sea monkey sponsored comics.

Throughout the first 3 movies our favourite super hero gets knocked about by the damn green rocks and rays from evil super computers but he never ever makes some form of protection to save his ass against it. Maybe Supes is just nice but dim.

We know that lead protects him from Kryptonite – when he enters Lex Luthor’s underground lair the rock is hidden in a lead encased box. Superman is unaware of its presence as he cannot see through lead and the rock appears to have no effect on the Man of Steel. It is only when Luthor reveals the content of the box as a bomb and Supes consequently opens the box that he is then affected by the Special K. We can then deduce that lead can also be used as a shield for protection from green death rays and... shit.

Supers could make a shield of lead to defend against looney Luthor types but it would be easily damaged in a fight or light breeze. If you don't see knight armour made of lead so lets assume an implement of some sort such as lead underpants is out.

superman cartoon kyrptonite

I have a fix - if Superman ingested lead he would not get sick so I propose for the next Superman movie if they wanna use kryptonite against him he should drink some lead based paint or eat some fishing sinkers so he has high lead levels in his blood. The lead will then protect him from the inside!

Of course if he was to go up against Magneto he’d probably be fucked.

Wash your lettuce carefully!


So like I put out the recyling and underneath the green bin was this family of slugs. Biggest slugs I've ever seen! Unless you count the one under Anthony Keidis' nose when the Chilis played in Jaffaland recently.

What else do they look like?


The shit is bananas


The shit is bananas

House of cards
Cut with glass shards
Head Case
All that glitters you want to hold
But you lost the briefcase

Welcome to the farm, get back in the fold
Slave it to the wage and a big broken machine
Someone stole my Levi jean (they were made of gold)

Day dream believer and a
Vital Statistic
The Golden Retriever is dog gone
A pawn piece in the porn piece
Eating a banana
Choking on Americana