This just in to the JJ Newsdesk!


Optimus Prime, the fearless leader of the Autobots known for his ability to come back from the grave said "Autobots roll out!"

And they did.

moving, just keep me moving.

So about like about 12 years ago I got my Learners Licence. Today I finally sat my restricted...

...and passed.

So you prob be best to stay indoors for a while!

Steinlager Pure lager - Yeah Right

So like are a few truths in life. The All Blacks suck without Richie McCaw, hip hop is not music but a beat and Steinlager is the best god damned beer in the world. And that’s a fact.

No ifs, no buts, no favourite boutique brew from a cold grey garage out the back of Stokes Valley, no imported premium water with added ale.

Drink less of this Steinlager

So why the fuck would Lion Nathan decide that everyday Steinlager needs a richer cousin, the all new preservative free Steinlager Pure. Is Lion Breweries telling me the Steinlager we all know and love is impure? Drinking 12 of them leads you to do impure things, but the pleasure and pain of it all is usually worth it.

Some PR hack-who-does-not-deserve-a-DB wrote “With Steinlager Pure we have bottled the spirit of New Zealand.”.

Give. Me. Strength.

Crap like that just smacks of old-school America’s Cup PR champagne/campaign comedy but with a drunk Colin Meads wearing a red sock on his head.

Let’s stick to the facts here: Men drink Steinlager, League players drink Red.

“Steinlager Pure will retail for $24.99 per dozen”. Oh, I get it now, it’s a beer for Auckland Jaffas.

Drink more of this Steinlager
steinlager new zealand lager beer
Steinlager has taste. Steinlager has no taste. There endeth the lesson....

With additional reporting by His Whoreness

Zinzan Brooke fell out of a taxi?

Sounds like Drunksy is back to me....

Update:

"It was unclear at this stage exactly how serious the injuries to the former world-beating No. 8 are or how they were suffered.

His brother and former All Black lock Robin Brooke said he had been in contact with Zinzan's wife but did not know how bad the injuries were.

It is thought Brooke had suffered a head fracture and was bed-ridden and having trouble talking."

-

I say good luck big fella, hope your back dropping droppies in no time

Keep it Rocking in the Free World

Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.

Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.

Don’t want to iron a shirt or wear a tie?


Wear a nice black vest over the top of that damp wrinkly thing.

Don’t want to that that filing?

One word: Shredder.

Can’t be bothered cooking?

Drink the cooking Sherry

Too many beers, not enough time?
Drink the cooking Sherry.

Extra for experts:

Do not rent The Butterfly Effect 2.

She wore lemon but never in the daylight

She wore lemon but never in the daylight

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. That has been echoing in my brain all morning, such is mondayitis. Don’t believe in Peter Pan or Superman?

Then you don’t believe in anything and you know it.

Maybe rock n roll can really change the world? Well, fat Fanny, Lennon and Lenin both failed. Jack Lemmon, well he could sure act but he was just a bit grumpy and old.

Elvis just checked into Weight Watchers.

Its flu season. Pneumonia / Nu Metal – both make the elderly sick. Well Fred Durst generally makes anyone sick so you could be forgiven for dropping dead next time someone gives you a three dollar bill.

Everything you know is wrong, even beat boxing. That will teach you to murder Bon Jovi, b’arch.

WTW Pt:More coked up than Ms Lindsay

.

Fri - Rogan Josh, Cheesecake

Sat – Dream girl(s)..

Sun – Netball (lost)

Read the Bible, its all gone tribal

Read the paper, cartoons are funny and fun
Close that book, the writer’s a crook
Read the Bible, its all gone tribal.


An embargoed media
The press release is a mere chess piece
Buzz from the Beehive:
There are no sheep in Taranaki!
The information drought keeps us tired
The journos are all on the wacky backy


TV1 news aimed at sheep
Not that you care,
You just want Lisa Lewis in her underwear
Newsprint is good for wrapping fish and chips.
TGIF and I like salty lips

Mr Chris: Not just a Bic Fan

Hello kiddies...

have you been good?

Have you been very good?

Good enough that your Mums will let you out on a school night to catch our 48 Hour film screening?

We need all the support we can get to show those so-called professionals a thing or two.

The details:
48 Hour Film Comp (heat six)
Thursday 24th May, 9.15 pm (sharp!)
Paramount Theatre

If you're asked, tell 'em you're there to support the ICW Productions cast and crew - the sexiest, fiercest, GST-inclusive mofo's in town. Forward this to other like-minded individuals! Do it, or the communists win!!!


Digg!

Halo 3 Beta: Does Not Suck

Jimmy Jangles' first Helo 3 Beta Game: Did Not Suck

So I scored Urban Reflex’s spare Halo beta 3 code. That man deserves a crate of beer for his kind generosity!! Cheers Bud.

Downloaded the 900MB file to the 360 … and it took like 5 hours so I went to bed.

Set the alarm early to get up but didn’t and so had time to play one game this am. IT IS MEGA.

Snipers and Shotties on High Ground. 6 players, 3rd (but 2nd = on points?) with the only two double kills, and killing spree endings medals so pretty happy about that – only 3 of the 6 really were in the game judging by the stats. Managed to use the new grav lift to jump a fence which was cool, Shotties worked well though my sniping rate shot was pretty poor.

The map it self is interesting with lots of hidey holes and multiple routes on offer. I picked up the cannon for 5 seconds or so till I was assassinatedn from behind. So Shakespearian that.

The new spike grenades seem like fun, I managed to blow my shields off when I threw my first one in a corridor. Somehow I figured it was going to stick like in Duke Nukem 3D and explode later. They don’t. Still, I literally nailed a dude later when I was high and he was low, hiding in a room.

Game play seemed faster than H2. I enjoyed the fly/bug sound effect. For Beta, its pretty darn cool. For the Real Thing?

Cant. Hardly. Wait.

Weekend that was part: Halo 3 Beta

Weekend that was:

Friday - Poker night at work. Went all in on a hand. Oh well, it wasn't my money.

Sat - drinks in the CBD and a party. There was geri haliwell and a guy that kept on going eh eh eh!

Sun - in the recovery postion

Monday - scored meself a code to the Halo 3 Beta. Woohooooooooo!!!

He farted, therefore he was

So we was shopping at Pack and Slave and there was a hyperactive kid about 5 years old being pushed by a rather harried and haggard mother.

The kid shouts "I farted!"

Mum goes "not funny!"

I pass, by cracking up

Mum goes "not funny!"

Splat

Splat
It’s a shame when the honey don’t come.
Back of my mind
I think I’ve been held up with out a gun.
Lost your X
Where to find, Y
Splat

DUI
FYI
FBI

Add up to an eye for an eyeful
Splat

Do they Gandalf?

According to stuff Elijah Wood is set to star as Iggy Pop in a film biopic about the controversial punk rocker.

Well first things first lets get the description of controversial punker rocker out of the way. Iggy Pop is just a skinny old man who runs round on the main stage at BDO type events doing covers of a band from the 60’s that was apparently really really good in their only no one bought their records except for their mums.

Iggy - He may have been a hell raiser till Bowie made him go all poppy but he aint no punk rocker today. That’s what wild child, Avril Lavinge and Greenday (oh love!) are for aye?

If this is true, who the hell actually believes Elijah, “Do they gandalf, do they?” Woods can be an Iggy? I just don’t fricking see it. Elijah will look terrible with that straight hair. And as for the body muscle posing stuff Iggy does, Paris Hilton has more meat on her bones that Lil’lijah or is that had more meat on a boner?

Last year, tommorow

Last year, tommorrow,  a really bad poem.

Due to too much interest yesterday is cancelled
But please pencil in last Friday for your eyelash tint
Remember yesterday, all my troubles seemed so close today
Newsflash: at least we remembered your birthday,

Last year, tommorrow

When we climbed a magical faraway tree
At the top where we met otherworldy Kings and Queens
And they didn’t gave us glass diamonds and other pretty things

Tomorrow never knew it was to be a December so blue
So you’ll never remember those future days of strawberry lemonade
Le Monde, it was over played.
Tommorrow, last year

This is Mega!!! Oasis' Masterplan

Riddle me this...

So David Bain is freed on bail...

The judge said Bain posed no threat of further offending.

…so what exactly did the judge mean with this comment? In this context, 'further' implies that offending has occurred and there is no threat of it happening again.

BUT the conviction was unsafe and quashed and David is therefore innocent until proven quilty and therefore has not done any offending... so why would a judge use the term 'further offending'?

Everything Louder than Everything Else


So I declare it to be Jim Steinman Appreciation Day.

Jim Steinman is the guy who put the meat in Meat Loaf (other than all the pies). Jimmy wrote all of Bat out of Hell and Bat out of Hell II and a few songs in between and after. This is the guy that makes rock and roll dreams come through. For you. Jim Steinman practically invented rock opera. The Who might claim other wise…but Tommy can go play with his wizard.

Jim has a blog. He writes as one crazy mutha. I swear he’s high on sugar when he writes… “Well, Scientologists have proclaimed Tom Cruise their JESUS CHRIST. (I guess thats like KFED being the BEATLES for todays celebrities!”

Steinman is responsible for mega Meat Loaf hits like Hot Summer Night, Heaven Can Wait, Dead Ringer For Love, I’d do any thing for love (but I won’t do that), Rock and Dreams Come true, Objects in the Rear View Mirror (May appear closer than they are). He’s been into a whole lot of musicals that this side of the tracks haven’t seen. He appears to have a fixation with vampires too. If we must have a dig - he did write a huge Barry Manilow hit …..

Jimmy also wrote some mega hits for a lil lady called Bonnie Tyler. Does ‘turn around bright eyes ring’ a bell? Sadly this means I have to admit to listening to the odd Bonnie Tyler song for research purposes.. I tell ya it’s a heart ache, nothing but a heartache*.

So some fave Steinman lines.

Objects in the review mirror (may appear closer than they are) from Bat II.

“And if life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car and objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are”

Fast cars and fast women. Throw in a Michael Bay epic video and it you got a hit.

“But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box ...”

Two out of three aint bad – Bat out of Hell

Well there’s no sugar coating with this one. This frog is no prince.

“Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven, I'll come crawling on back to you”

Bat out of Hell, Bat out of hell

I think even a lapsed catholic oughta find this amusing. Or not.

‘Is it richer than diamonds or just a little cheaper than spit?’

‘It just won’t quit’ Bat out of Hell II

Love Hurts….

‘I bet you say that to all the boys’

Hot summer Night

Nothing like a tease…

*not sure if he actually wrote that.

Louder than Words lyrics by Pink Floyd

Songs from a distant shore

Someone who knows more than me* should update Hollie Smith's wikipedia entry....


*yes, it can happen.

Smells like fish!



Get your share of cock sauce from the Asian Food market by Kilbrinie Pack and Slave!!

Pub Humour

I was down at the pub the other night, I had already had a couple of sherbets when I noticed this good looking sort walk in, bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by unnoticed. I ambled over and chatted her up with my normal suave

"G'day - wanna midi of suds?

Anyway, we got chatting and seemed to be getting on ok, turns out

she was 57, but nevertheless we chatted and laughed and joked a

bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.

She asked me if I had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother & daughter threesome. I thought "Struth mate, you've hit the jackpot here." I said, (nonchalantly)

"Nah..never had one of them...

" So we had a couple more beers and she said

"Tonight's your lucky night!" and we headed off back to her place.

She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....

"Mum, you still awake?"

He sees Red. Like a fire engine.

Not for the first time on earth Neil Finn bites backs! Bites back in to fat idol Sir Howie Morobar! And just about everyone else too! Except Ray Columbus cos hes a God. I mean Mod. Nice to Mod you.

I said Mod.

“So to Sir Howard ... your outrage at my comments resembles your recent opinions about "fat idols", that is, ignorant! Why on earth would I have a chip on my shoulder? I have been so fortunate, blessed with great family and musical adventures.”

Howie's a mod. yeah yeah.

Mr Finn also chips in with a lesson that Noel Gallagher may have been wise to follow,

"I don't believe it's healthy that musicians and politicians should be so closely aligned".

Maybe he's not a socialist after all. He appears to believe in hard work, "There are many brilliant musicians in this country and when they do reach a wider audience it will be because they have worked long and hard and have the talent. I wish them all ".

What I like from all this is that Finn writes his own err... tune, he's no sychophant. He doesn't need to suck up to NZ on Air for cash, he's just a fella making his way in the universe.

Scotty went to Prague and took this picture



The middle one looks like the what I imagine the ghost of Princess Leia might look like, now let's move it fly boy.

Its like you're always stuck in second gear


What’s with all the celebrities getting getting so wasted these days?

We’ve had the tabloid trials of Mel Gibson, Brittany Spears and Courtney Love. Paris Hilton and her best gin soaked mate Lushed Lindsay Lohan. Robin and Robbie Williams both crop up. Now Ty Pennington is in in on the act Move that drunken bus driver!

The celebrity drink driver is almost like a rite of passage. Got a movie coming out, get wasted! You can dangle a baby over a balcony, breast feed while high on crack and no one gives a damn but drink drive and you’re a star with your own show case on Entertainment Tonight. Throw in a slur about Jews and the New World Order and you have a box office hit.

Off course no one can top the effort of the Hoff in becoming an all time bonafide Youtube star via his drunken burger consumption efforts. Hell fool, he’s bigger than than my humps, my humps.

We forgive the Hoff cos he was Colby’s dad and Michael Knight. We forgive Mel Gibson cos he was like really really sorry and in doing so invented the Mel Gibson Defence. We’ll forgive Ty because he gives babies with no legs no eyes and no teeth new homes.

We feel no pangs of pain for Paris Hilton cos let’s face it, she had it coming and we hate her cos she’s a rich bitch. We forgive Courtney cos she was married to Kurt and clearly has issues. We’ll forgive Robin Williams for being sober and releasing One Hour Photo cos he was Mork but we wont forgive Michelle Rodriquez cos she sucked on Lost, nor Pete Doherty cos his music is worse than Paris’s last single.

We don’t care about rock stars doing metres of coke and lines of groupies cos that’s what they do. Optimus Prime would never drink and drive, cos thats what Autobot leaders do.

All that said I’d be really keen to go for a beer or 50 with the Hoff. We’d chat about how it used to be a privilege to stay up till 7.30 and watch Knight Rider on a Friday night, laugh at the time someone actually drowned on Baywatch and then we’d go out, have some burgers and crash into Lindsay on her way back from visiting Paris in the slammer.

My Top 5 NZ albums

It's music month and Not PC has added his 5cents worth (probably what those albums cost back in the days) and now its time for mine. Not PC has a fairly eclectic sampling of aural delight. Mine conversely is embarrassingly contemporary… Hell, I thought Hello Sailor was a pick up line.

Jimmy Jangles Top 5 kiwi albums to celebrate Music Month, whatever that is. I’m just glad no-one has played Walkie Talkie Man.



Supergroove: Supergroove. You got to know to understand, my man mike plato. You too could have an abundance of platonic relationships if you were down with not looking down. The guitarist from this band is one of the best riffers NZ has ever had the pleasure of making number one. I try to hide it but they just keep coming. On occasion Che Fu actually sang – To be specific, For Whatever Reason is the best thing he eva did. Shame they let the bassist take over… I can remember buying this CD from Kmart with my wages and rushing home to play it!



Dead Flowers – The orange album - You drink the water, I’ll drink the wine. Magic. If you’re feeling lazy, have another Sunday. Aint that the truth.



Shihad – The Fish Album – has one of my fave lines / lies of any song “You are so majestic, so skilful in the way that you make me sick” (Leo’s song). We’re in the Land, even if your head is a rock. Their beast/best album was the one that followed but for me this is Shihad, orange scales and all.




Crowded House – Together Alone – I don’t care if Neil Finn’s a rich bugger with socialist tendencies (or is that Sam Neil?) – either way his success is deserved with this album. Nails in my Feet has a wicked awesome chord structure and Private Universe is a song that actually takes you to that place. Together Alone’ the closer track is one of the best album closers ever – almost up there with Champagne Supernova by Oasis (I’ve said before Finn is brilliant at opening and closings – Kare Kare aint too bad either). Should have dropped Skin Feeling though. That song bites.



The Feelers: Communicate - The Feelers take a lot of crap, probably for being drunken over sexed wankers but this album has so many gems they can be forgiven. Fishing for Lisa is simple but heart felt, Communicate – great two chord intro. And with songs about the weekend and As Good as Gets these are songs that are as k1w1 as you can get. Stay for the party.

You like bush don't you?

So I was in the Occidental last night. After a few ales I was having a piss and this dude next to starts sing to me "you've got the touch! you've got the power!" and I'm like dude what the fuck? I think he's fucking nuts or coming on to me or something.

He keeps singing. Maybe the chiefs had won and he was celebrating or something I thought.

"You got the power!"

And I'm like whaaa?

"Stan Bush, man! Stan Bush! You like bush don't you bro! you got the power!

And then I click, I'm wearing my Transformers Tshirt.

"Oh yeah its a cool movie I say, I have it on DVD."

"Farout man thats cool! You got the touch!"

And out the pisser I went.

Kit would never let Micheal get this wasted!

Hey Pete!

This is it baby, hold me




Medicom, the Japanese toy company responsible for the cult favorite Kubricks toys, is producing a limited edition range of Halo 3 Kubricks. Each four-pack comes with a red, green, blue and Active Camo Spartan, and you can actually pre-order them already from a couple of websites, including Comics Infinity. As you can see, the tiny figures are awesome and a great addition to a serious collector's arsenal. The Halo 2 Master Chief Kubrick is already exceptionally rare.

Exactly, Kitty. Like Sea Monkeys.

superman cartoon picture with kyrptonite

Us geeks and freaks all know that Superman is fallible to the radiation of Kryptonite - remmants of his home planet Krypton. We know too he cannot see through lead as explained in Superman movies and a billion sea monkey sponsored comics.

Throughout the first 3 movies our favourite super hero gets knocked about by the damn green rocks and rays from evil super computers but he never ever makes some form of protection to save his ass against it. Maybe Supes is just nice but dim.

We know that lead protects him from Kryptonite – when he enters Lex Luthor’s underground lair the rock is hidden in a lead encased box. Superman is unaware of its presence as he cannot see through lead and the rock appears to have no effect on the Man of Steel. It is only when Luthor reveals the content of the box as a bomb and Supes consequently opens the box that he is then affected by the Special K. We can then deduce that lead can also be used as a shield for protection from green death rays and... shit.

Supers could make a shield of lead to defend against looney Luthor types but it would be easily damaged in a fight or light breeze. If you don't see knight armour made of lead so lets assume an implement of some sort such as lead underpants is out.

superman cartoon kyrptonite

I have a fix - if Superman ingested lead he would not get sick so I propose for the next Superman movie if they wanna use kryptonite against him he should drink some lead based paint or eat some fishing sinkers so he has high lead levels in his blood. The lead will then protect him from the inside!

Of course if he was to go up against Magneto he’d probably be fucked.

Wash your lettuce carefully!

So like I put out the recyling and underneath the green bin was this family of slugs. Biggest slugs I've ever seen! Unless you count the one under Anthony Keidis' nose when the Chilis played in Jaffaland recently.

What else do they look like?


The Vulture

The Vulture

The vulture
Circling over the bloated chocolate coated ass
Salad Laws need to be passed on
American culture

Elvis ate America, now Supersize Coke is King
Hope does not spring eternal
More it’s tossed aside like the latest plaything
As the belle of the balls admits to drugs and sex
Which American Sweetheart is next?

Monitors in the schools
Prowl for Britney cloned virgins in the tech class
Like consumer constipation, all things must pass

Sedentary robots play computer games as sedentary robots
Credit heavy, morally light.
A gun in the hand is worth two terms to Bush
Card box boxes slept in every night
Hey Bud, gotta a light?

Some cool Google thingymajigsys

Google Pub Quiz Cheater Ap

Stuck in a pub quizz and need an answer?

Cheat your way to that bar tab by text messaging your search query to 466453 ('GOOGLE' on most devices) and the googster will text message back results.

This is for Americans only. Meh.

Google Scholar

Stand on the shoulders of people who paid attention in Science! Go where all the Vic Uni asian students go to copy scholarly literature. No son, its learned.

Google News Archive

Wanna see Janet Jacksons star spangled banner as it was portrayed hysterically by a hysterical media? Google archived news is for you!

Google Blogsearch

Go on you just know you wanna look me up. And then look down on me.

Other most important ever information. Do not disclose, for self note only.


I was having lunch with Larry the other day and he told me they have the following in the works.

Google TV. Do your searching through the TV i.e. get the lastest paparazzi pic of Britney Spears wasted and bald upstairs and downstairs in your living room on HD, pimples and all.

Google is going into pie delivery. Order a pie online and it will be at your door in 30 minutes or less. Expect American Pie to be popular (yeah I'm a cheerleading chic) in Iraq.

Release of an PSP game called Google. The title Character will run around killing an Army of Clippies and the Final Boss will be a GM free hybrid of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.

Invest in a technology called 'magnetic tape for data storage' whatever that is.

The shit is bananas

The shit is bananas

House of cards
Cut with glass shards
Head Case
All that glitters you want to hold
But you lost the briefcase

Welcome to the farm, get back in the fold
Slave it to the wage and a big broken machine
Someone stole my Levi jean (they were made of gold)

Day dream believer and a
Vital Statistic
The Golden Retriever is dog gone
A pawn piece in the porn piece
Eating a banana
Choking on Americana

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