How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties

How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties

Germs are everywhere!

In the sink, in your coffee and in your spleen.

On door knob and in the unwrapped mints on the counter of the restaurant. You should take no comfort that your desk has more germs than a toilet.

So for all the germ phobes, obsessive compulsives, and avian flu junkies out there, Jimmy Jangles brings you "How to avoid germs, cooties and other nasties".
  • When you visit the loo in a public place (movies, work etc) push open the doors well above or below the door handle. Chances are those spots are clear and more germ free than the urine stained handle that the weird guy in IT no talks to left behind
  • Avoid Avian Flu but not talking to Avians
  • It's okay to talk to Germans, except about the war. Don't mention the war! Just lie back and and think of England.
  • Live in a giant bubble like the Bubble Boy.
  • Don't press lift buttons. Use a pencil or wait for your colleague. God knows which filthy beggar has been there before you. At least you'll avoid the snot and boogies I left for you after I picked my nose all morning.
  • Don't smoke the cigarette butts you found in the street. I mean really, it's a filthy habit.
  • Use the First Toilet in the Bathroom/washroom stall. Men better than you or I have conducted research which has shown that that most people use the middle stall so leave those ones to the common people. This is because more use such as dropping the kids off at the pool means they're the dirtiest and have the most germs.
  • Don't hold hands with girls, they have cooties! Eooohwww!! Girl germs. Don't kiss them either.
  • When finished a set at the gym, wear jandals in the shower. Athlete's foot is not your friend.
  • After you've spent all night at the Strip Club, wash your hands. You know why.
  • The Foot Flush: Instead of flushing the toilet with you hand, use the bottom of your shoe!
So now you know how to be free of germs! Now get out there and take some unnecessary antibiotics!

1 comment:

swag said...

Better suggestion for all the germaphobes: just kill yourself now. Because bacteria can be just as helpful as it is harmful.

If you're going to freak out over functioning in society, you may as well join a leper colony and be done with it.