Unions: Suck


Unions just suck.

How about we get more:

Skilled People
Productive People
Efficient People
Can Do People
I work for my money People

The days run away like horses over the hills


Top underrated U2 songs that should be rated higher than a rates demand from the council or rather some of Jimmy’s fave songs by U2.

Please, from the album Popmart.

Popmart is probably Bono’s best effort lyrically. With word plays on Michael Jackson being history over Jackson’s own HIStory pun, the blind leading the blonde and the line from Please “Your Catholic blues, Your convent shoes” pretty much summing up Bono’s eternal search for his place and pace in the world this song was depressing yet uplifting at the same time. Edge’s solo (esp in live recordings) was up there with his best.

Dirty Day
, Zooropa

“These days, days, days run away like horses over the hills” being sung over and over at the end always remind me that I never have enough time to do what ever it is I wanted do. This song did make me go see a documentary on the guy it was dedicated to, the author Charles Bukowski and read some of his books. So if anything this song taught me it sux to be a drunk alcoholic author who used to work in a post office. In fact I think Charlie boy actually went postal before the term was applied to the fine people at the US Postal Service.

Van Dieman’s Land, Rattle and Hum.

It has the Edge singing and he actually means it but you believe it too even though its about Aussie bastards?! It has good chord changes. Hmm have I said this before? Also was there actually any humming on the album? Ok Edge, play the blues.

In to the Heart
, Boy

I like this because of the outro from the prior song, An cat Dubh, becomes the into to this. Kind of a plodding but hypnotic bass riff with crisp Edge playing.

MLK, The Unforgettable Fire.

While the fire is a reference to atomic bombs being dropped in Japan (an early portent of How to dismantle an Atomic Bomb maybe?) the album seemed dedicated to two Kings – Elvis and Martin Luther King. The song is sung like a lullaby, actually encouraging sleep. While Bono’s politic rants and beseeches and besmirches of The Man might put the more jaded and cynical amongst us to sleep you can’t complain that this song does the same in a nice under the covers on a rainy day kind of way.

Beat on the Brat, cover of The Ramones, from the We’re a Happy Family Ramones Tribute Album.

Beat on the brat with a baseball bat. Yeah punk. U2 started out playing Ramone’s covers trying to pass them off as their own. Which is pretty much the music industry down pat these days. What can you do?

Pop bitch shares the lurve...


"I bought a teddy today for £5, named him
Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question
is, have I made a prophet?"

A soldier's tale


A soldier’s tale

Behold a pale horse rode into town
Flooding my grave mind with a dangerous discourse,
A brutish roll call of sins of precious Prophets and our own failed fathers.

I raised my empty side arm and prepared to be fired.

Then out of the dark showdown stepped the Chief
‘This is our land, this is our only relief’
He edged closer and whispered to my burnt ear..

‘Believe’.

Flies, Flies and more dam Flies


So Melbourne. I think I have said this before but it’s just a really efficient and cleaner Wellington. But with more flies, flies, smokers, flies and less Movember going on.

Got in about 10.30am Melbourne time after getting up at 4m Nu zillan time. Found the hotel, found some lunch down a dark alley. A Greek gentleman took my order, a Pommie brought it out and an American took my money. The united colours of metropolis.

Went on a ghostchase hunting a non existent DVD for the Whore, bought tickets to the Phantom of the Opera for New Year’s Day and then worked in an internet cafĂ© for too many hours preparing for the real work the next day.

Went for dinner in Lygon Street. Had the pasta, as you do. Ordered a lager and they came back with a latte! Jesus wept.

Came home, watched Becks score a cracker of a goal. Post game he gave a very friendly interview. An Ali G respect.

Jojo


Jojo

If it tastes like shit
Beat with a stick
If I sound like I’m thick
I believe its because I called in sick

If you’re sick of the din
And your sick mojo, overturned amps and teenage vamps
Go back to your gin,
Get back to your gin, Jojo

Suffering from a suffocating miasma
If the colours are too bright
On your HD plasma
Brown it out with vegemite

You daylight robber
You dibbly dobbler
Let it go
Let her go
Just don’t tase me bro!

P120


Today I bought sandpaper and then drank beer and sanded. How did you earn your man card?

Its a word


Today I said 'frontbums' and everyone laughed.

Skip the Subway


While I think of it - U2's song Zooropa is probably the best ever opening song for a U2 album. Except Zoo Station, Where the Streets Have No Name, Vertigo, Desire and Beautiful Day and Sunday Bloody Sunday of course.

What is U2's best B-side? Decide for yourself!

No Stairway? Denied!




No Battle Star? No Lost? Dammit give them what they want! Its not like any one's going to pay to download it anyway!

-

Incidentally this is the 1004th post on this lil blog. To celebrate, send beer. Lots of beer. Like Steinlager. Or Celtic Red. Hmmm beer.

Who had an Efficient day?




Not so good for me - but did have a nice collect at Auckland so covered my losses.

Transformers: A completely objective review


prime costume optimus

So this morning I woke up with The Clash’s garageland running around my mind. If I had been dreaming I think it was because I was lost in the supermarket making beelines to heaven or something.

Anyways got my self the new
Transformers movie on DVD. It rocks. I still love it when Prime smashes the energy sword into the face of Devastator. I watched it on slow mo three times. When the eyes pops out…I had visions of Any Given Sunday when the ref picks up the eye ball of the turf…

Robots beating up other robots is like the coolest thing ever. If Halo 3 was Robots I would never ever leave the living room. Those dear to me say I don’t anyway.

I give this movie a 5 autobots roll out out of 5.

Indeed after watching it with me, Optimus Prime said it was a good depiction of how it really was when he and Bumblebee first came to Earth and beat down Megatron. Optimus then got a lil teary oil eyed about Jazz, so me and Ratchet took him to where we buried Jazz’s halved body down by the Porsche Factory.

Later on when he had stopped blubbering I asked Optimus Prime a question – if Bumblebee can survive having his legs ripped off, why couldn’t Jazz survive a minor thing like being halved? Every one knows it’s a robot law that halved Robots can be put back together, often with hilarious consequences. Look at C3PO in Empire Strikes Back! He was a pussy and still survived. Jazz was tough as cyber nails. What say you Prime? Said I, the brave padawan.

Oppie looked at me, went all blue in the face and said, “Go fuck yourself Jimmy, you rock my casbah.”

Optimus Prime goes trick or treating


Eriq kindly alerted the Optimus Prime newsdesk to this Halloween Holiday costume:



Autobots roll out and get some candy!

Believe


Believe



Grunts go Boom!



Jimmy Janglez Needs Paracetamolz. Lolz.

More Perth






Perth Randoms







Happy birthday dave !

That man deserves a DB!?


It's not how we're drinking, it's Howlett we're drinking


doug howlett drinking joke

Remember when Douggie Howlett scored that last minute try against South Africa? Lucky eh? Still you gotta feel for the guy - All Blacks going out in the quarter final like that, so he missed his chance at World Cup glory. I'd get smashed and try and make love to a car too.

How good is Thom Yorke’s album, The Eraser?


Its very good. Very, as in you really should download it. Not the Petshop Boys kind of very

The Right Stuff


A guest post by Manfred the Manatee.

-
The Right Stuff
After I had 2 separate people recommend this book/film I decided to rent it out the movie. I couldn’t see it under the 'drama' section at Amalgamated Video so decided the spotty counter guy (or 'S.C.G') if they had it:

M.T.M Excuse me do you have a film called 'The Right Stuff'

S.C.G Never heard of it...'the right stuff' snort

M.T.M Er...I think it won some Oscars

SCG Sigh, FINE, Ill look it up (tap tap tap) oh look we do have it 'The Right Stuff' no wonder I'd never heard of it its in (snort) scifi

M.T.M Um, its not a sci fi movie

SCG The computer says its in sci fi (gestures at screen)

M.T.M Its about the American space program...

SCG.. So it is sci fi

M.T.M (getting annoyed) Its uh... the history of the space program

SCG But there are spaceships in it

M.T.M Yeah...

SCG So its spaceships and UFOS and robots. Space $hit. So its SciFi!!!

M.T.M (deciding not to press a definitional issue)...ok Ill go get

It from sci fi

SCG Yeah, I wondered why Id never heard of it, I’m not into geek

chic

M.T.M (grinds teeth hard)


My wife spent half an hour calming me down at home while I railed on about insults to both sci fi devotees and Buzz Aldrin.

Infrared: 20th Century Boys




Infrared:

1) An area in the electromagnetic spectrum extending beyond red light from 760 nanometers to 1000 microns (106 nm). It is the form of radiation used for making non-contact temperature measurements.

2) A Wellington band playing a small EP release gig at Real Groovy Records, top of socialist leaning, coffee slurping, dirty Che wearing tshirt Cuba St this Friday 6 - 630 pm.

I’m told there will be strippers and free lines of coke for anyone who buys a copy. Except for Obelix. We all knows what happens to him when he as too much ‘magic potion’…

What's worse than letting your kids stay at Michael Jackson's house?


What's worse than letting your kids stay at Michael Jackson's house?

Letting them go on holiday with the McCanns.

H/T The Professor via SAS

Prince Charles inspects the ... Troops


prince charles breast grab
Here's a picture of Prince Charles inspecting the troop's assets. I met his son once. Lovely chap.

It hard to start sometime


There's a new hire car out in Portugal. It's small,
and if you can't get all your kids inside you can
fit one in the boot. It's called the Renault McCann

c/o popbitch.com

Hey Hey Keep it Rocking


Hey Hey

Old rockers like Neil Young
Don’t burn out or fade away
Give them six string,
A bottle of whiskey
And a fashionable celebrity cause
And they’ll rip out chords
Like they only were made yesterday

Just don't tell them
Keeping it rocking in the free world means
Playing for the troops,
The one's only born, like yesterday

While Elvis reunites his many eras at a convention near you
The Pop Mart keeps on selling
And Britney Spears just wants to screw.

Those hiding from nirvana
Shoot themselves
In the stomach with heroin
While the fatally floored heroine
Checks out to raise the kid

Just because I like Nirvana
Doesn't mean I want to shoot myspace, shoot my myspace

I feel like Burger King.

Gears of War Review



Ah the sweet bliss of blogging with a diet coke in one hand and a belly full of sausage rolls. And of course, your company dear reader.

So like Gears of War for Xbox 360. I decided to play it on casual mode cos I just want a hit around before Halo 3. It's fairly easy but has good game play. It’s a straight shooter pretty much. Graphics are amazingly detailed but the world is a burnt gray - A complete contrast to most games so it's quite novel. The players themselves are pretty cool with good interaction in the cut scenes and nods to past agendas, glories, loves and failures.

Music is good at heightening the action. There’s a quiet lil motif played throughout when you’re slowly making your way round which gives a real sense of danger but not symbolising a future danger if you know wot I mean gov (is that threnody?)

Apparently there are 5 acts and I did the first in like 2 hours of game play so its short and sweet on easy mode. Some pretty foul original beasts to bring down – some of them remind me of LOTR but not really IYKWIMG.

Played one match making game. What an overated piece of poohaa. Mummy do something it smells! This average Halo player got his ass handed to him. The game just doesn’t feel right. It's not free and easy. The whole chainsaw thing, totally overated. I’ll play a few more virus games but I sense I’ll do the campaign, get a few achievements and then go nuts on Halo 3.

Snipershots rule!

Like a Bat out of Hell you should watch a hoor movie a day


Its oddly pleasing to be on someone's blog roll, just a few down from Mr Bat himself, Jim Steinman.

Bioshock Soundtrack for Free! Gratis! Hanging and Banging Jerry!


Get the Bioshock Soundtrack for Free! Gratis! Hanging and Banging Jerry!

For the rabid fans out there, voila! Here is the link to the soundtrack for the new Bioshock 360 game. Enjoy



Got Gears of War today ....

I am the Master Chief


Where are you? St Clares?


Did they just kill Chris?

Fuck they did.

And you thought I was a chardonnay man*


So I just drank Ngatarawa Stables dry. Amen.

*actually why would you? I ainta jaffa, nor a leechin bleachin socialist.

Hey There Delilah Chords for Guitar - Plain White Ts


Hey There Delilah Chords for Guitar - Plain White Ts

Song: Hey there Delilah
Artist: Plain White Ts

Chords/Tab

INTRO

D, F#m, D, F#m

VERSE 1

D F#m
Hey there Delilah, What’s it like in New York City?
D F#m
I’m a thousand miles away, But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Bm G A Bm
Yes you do, Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
A
I swear it’s true.
D F#m
Hey there Delilah, Don’t you worry about the distance,
D F#m
I’m right there if you get lonely, Give this song another listen,
Bm G A Bm
Close your eyes, Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
A
I’m by your side.

CHORUS

D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D
What you do to me.

VERSE 2

D F#m
Hey there Delilah, I know times are getting hard,
D F#m
But just believe me girl some day, I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
Bm G A Bm
We'll have it good, We'll have the life we knew we would,
A
My word is good.
D F#m
Hey there Delilah, I’ve got so much left to say,
D F#m
If every simple song I wrote to you, Would take your breath away,
Bm G A Bm
I’d write it all, Even more in love with me you’d fall,
A
We’d have it all.

CHORUS

D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,

Bridge
G A
A thousand miles seems pretty far, But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
D Bm
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
G A
Our friends would all make fun of us, And we'll just laugh along because,
D Bm
We know that none of them have felt this way,
G A
Delilah I can promise you, That by the time that we get through,
Bm A
The world will never ever be the same, And you’re to blame.

VERSE 3

D F#m
Hey there Delilah you be good, And don’t you miss me,
D F#m
Two more years and you’ll be done with school, And I'll be making history,
Bm G A Bm
Like I do, You’ll know it's all because of you,
G A Bm
We can do whatever we want to,
G A Bm A
Hey there Delilah here's to you, This one’s for you.

FINAL CHORUS
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D Bm D Bm
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh it’s what you do to me,
D
What you do to me.
Bm D Bm D Bm D Bm D D
Ohhh

Dunno why the formatting of the chords is all screwed....listen to the song, you'll get when to make the changes.

-

Here's the video for Hey There Deliliah




"Hey There Delilah" is the third single released from the rock band Plain White T's 2005 albumAll That We Needed. The song is about a long-distance relationship. In June 2007, over two years after the song's initial release, it became the band's first mainstream hit in the United States, eventually reaching the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100 in July. From July 3, 2007through July 28, the song was the number one most played song on the radio, and the number one downloaded song on the U.S. iTunes Music Store. After a few days, the version of the song found on Every Second Counts became the number one most downloaded, but was eventually replaced by "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus.
After the song jumped from number 16 to number 6 on the chart it continued to climb one position every week (6-5-4-3-2-1), making it the first chart-topping hit to have this pattern on the Hot 100 in 21 years. It also reached number two in the UK and number three in Australia.
The song ended 2007 as the year's 14th biggest-selling single in the UK.
Although "Hey There Delilah" is from the Plain White T's third album, All That We Needed, since the single's popularity new versions of the intervening fourth album, Every Second Counts, have "Hey There Delilah" added as a bonus track with a string section augmenting the original recording.[



Untitled


It starts with awe
You’ve been there, downed it all
Cuffed, chained and collared
Drunk, on your hands and knees
Begged, rolled over and crawled
For a dollar, caught the groupie blues

It continues with an open sore
For love (sic) that was spurned
Sucking bubbles on a bent straw
The moonies ask you to say hello to the baby jesus
Cos that’s the only way you can please us

It ends with a broken paw
You thought love was a many splendored thing
Oh, you pretty thing
Your rock god failed you
An empty concert hall
Like your name, the lyrics mean nothing

Is there nothing left now that you’ve got mono from Bono?

Mr. President, you're going to let that lousy commie punk vomit all over us like this?


Not PC, lays it down like it is.

“Socialism is just Communism without the courage of its convictions.”

The end.

Roll with it




This is Optimus Prime. He's er..ah.. posing, the poser

All your dreams are made...


From Popbitch:

"The worst gak I ever shared was from Dave from Blur and Liam Gallagher. Remember when Liam got let off that possession charge? There was so little coke in his coke. Liam wrote his dealer a thank-you letter. Haha. Bless."

...when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade

Hawke's Bay 8 - Wellington 6

Nuff Said.

E.T., I love you


So like Jay Bee and Jimmy Jangles finally watched E.T. again both like 20 something years after we first saw it.

First time round I had no idea we where going to the movies. La Mere took me and the Red Roster... I think Super Simon was Chez les Grand parents... anyway State theatre Napier...

The opening scene I truly recall scaring the beetle juice out of me. When they traded the base ball and later on the candy jeez that had me. But the ending!!

This time round I kept thinking M Knight Shayamalannishdude would have done it so better. Except he cannot do heart as good as Speilberg can on half a heart on a half hearted day. I had forgetten the link between ET and Eliot so when they started mimicking each other it all came back. It's like Brody and his kid in Jaws. Without the Jesus complex. I'm just sayin.

So it was hilhairyous when ET got drunk on one can. It reminded me of a very good friend and a certain rugby world cup finalchex miz when I was like 17..

So the...so i interrupted this post by watching Rocky. What can say ? Yo Adrian? I aint kidding I'm tired. No fooling round. shesseh. You aint doin me no favours.

E.T. It has heart. Bruckhemlichmanoeverish dude and his stupid pirate depp aint got nuthin on the Italin Stallion. And Joey from Friends for that matter.

Ouch.

Come.

Stay.

Ouch.

C'mon the Bay!!


So the new NPC picks comp..

"At 45 points in the first week you're ranked number 148 out of over 105,000 players."

Catch up, b'arches...at least I'm beating DPF. Prolly won't last hahahaha.

jimmyjangles is ma player name....

Popbitch strikes again


Jay Leno likes to try out his TV jokes each week
at the Comedy and Magic club, Hermosa Beach,
California. Last Sunday he started with his
standard family entertainment routine, but then
suddenly launched into a rant about how fat
Americans have become. He ended up telling a
story about a kid who was "so fat it would take
Michael Jackson an hour to molest him."

The audience went deadly silent. Leno just
shouted back, "Oh, fuck you! You'll be telling
this joke tomorrow morning, I know it!"

And they did.

Help finally arrives for UK flood victims


The Hoff has done some amazing things in recent times - so its no surprise he's popped up in England to help out the with the flooding.

Hawera


Hawera: Its surprisingly big. But thats it.

Meet George Jetson


Cosmic shades of krpyton colours I could bleed

But its no drama

When you have all the Autobots you need

Anyway, we're off to Rendevous with Rama

We're taking GI Joe, its the American way to go



Bittten by a cobra from the Kai Klutz Klan

I toured mars in the back of a Kombi van

Interstellar speed, asteroids and heavens by way of mergatroid

Fight the future and decepticon greed

Sometimes I have no idea where I am


Yo, Jimmy, kick it one time boy.
Beer Beer baby.
Let the beer flow like a chemical spill…. Say wah
Beer beer to go
I’m out of beer
Word to your mother

Dumb and Dumber?


Transformers - another thought


Spoiler follows:

So if Optimus Prime has this awesome energy sword which he used to decaptiate that naught decepticon... why did he not pull out the sword when he was battling Megatron?

Hmmm???

Hello 6 year olds can see through that one.

Popbitch with a steally one..


Q: What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
A: Heinz.

2Fings


1) The banner could change.
2) We are out of Steinlager.
3) It was only two things idjit.

The KKK took my baby away Pt II




Its been 3 weeks since my xbox died. [sigh]. I'm not sure I'm gonna get over it. I think I feel like one of those WoW addicts when they go to rehab. [sigh].

This is worse than the time the KKK took my baby away.[sigh].

Shrek the Turd


Shrek 3: Do not see this film.

I went with Jay Bee and Optimus Prime. Half way through Oppie said he would rather have Starscream talk to him about his issues with Megatron for an hour. Jay Bee then threw Optimus at the screen and at least that was worth the price of admission.

And there endeth your Leonard Malton lesson.

No power? You must be dead then!


So like 10,000 plus JAFAs* went without power yesterday and today after a sub station blew up. Can someone please direct me to the list of people that died as a direct result of this event?
-
Scotty had a pretty cool adventure here
-
My Xbox 360 has gone to the Microsoft fixit labs for repair after the Red Ring of Death % came up... Mezza feel like I did whenever the cat went to the Vet.

*Some of my best friends are JAFAs

% sounds dirty eh?

Where the wild things go


Where the wild things go

The coked Rocker

God is just a statistic in the census
God is in the TV
Like the Jedi
Other than the heroin, the only stairway to a heaven
is the fire down below
Where the wild things and other groupies go

The tired Priest

Never taken heroin in his life
But is beaten by a fat wife
He’s sure its just the same
Feeling nothing but numb over and over again

The ageless Madonna

Puts her hand up for Jesus
with albums full of pop dross
hangs her self on a christless cross
Takes what’s shiny and new
Then beds you adieu

The Boss

From across town
Songs of gravel and rust
Knows the devil and the dust
Sings about the Man
Bringing him down

Deal or no deal




So it looks like NZ has finally found its own answer to Hollywood's 2nd favourite wild child, Lindsay Lohan. For a time it looked like Keisha Castle-Hughes was going to go all Tara Reid on us but in the end she only got knocked up.

According to stuff Millie Holmes, the daughter of veteran broadcaster Paul Holmes, has been arrested on drug charges. 'The 19-year-old is being held in Auckland Central Police Station and faces four charges, including possession and supply of methamphetamine, TV3 news reported tonight.'

It seems you can take the Dad out of the Haumoana but those bright city lights just blind their off spring...I partially blame her Mum forcing her to watch all those cartoons after school...

Silly Millie recently appeared on the new game show Deal or no Deal. In hindsight that's quite apt. I wonder what kind of deal Daddy will be trying to wangle her?

This should be the start of a fabulous career... a cat fight with Nicky Watson over some dumb drummer should seal that deal.

What is this, blog recommendation about NZ films week?


The guy that writes Horror Movie A Day turns his attention to recent release “Black Sheep”

The dude is bloody funny…

“This also means the DVD runs the risk of having 13 hours of bonus material devoted to how they crafted sheep hooves, all narrated by Richard Taylor, the droniest sleepy voiced man in human history. But that’s not the film’s fault.”

“There’s also a subplot about a guy who fucks the sheep. It’s tastefully done.”

Cos we know sheep taste good, don’t we?

Dirty Old Barrymore?

"The coroner said he had been found with drugs and alcohol in his system and with serious anal injuries, suggesting he had been the victim of a violent sexual assault."

"His father Terry always refused to accept the death was an accident and campaigned for the case to be re-examined. In December last year, detectives said they would reopen their probe, following a review."

Perhaps an unfortunate use of the word ‘probe’? Remember when Cartman got one? That was tv genius.

The Yellow Peril Strike!!


And thus it came to be that a “coddingtonwallop" is the new "fisking"’….

Beta this, better that


Fridge buzz
Free Bar
Television remotes
Fast boats

I might be right
Blame it on gravity
Keeping me in this place

Beta this, better that
The honey moon is over my head
Mine smells like honey
Too many ideas born dead

Chewing gum
Cleans my braces
Santise my beer
My head is stuck
Too many bright but glum acid wash faces
Carbonation drops might work.

Small sister
I know where you are
Mr GPS in my stolen car

Weekend that was: more Tangimoana





Weekend that was Pt Tangimoana





Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris




Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris: The Facts

There’s been a lot of internet chatter about the might of Chuck Norris and his supposed omnipotence. The Optimus Prime Experiment has recalled history, studied the Bible and reflected and consulted with Bumblebee. We can now provide you with the definitive facts on Chuck Norris and the reasons and history behind them

1. When Chuck Norris punches, he only uses his left arm, as using the right would cause a rift in time.

Backstory: When Optimus Prime first farted, he created the rift in time which Chuck may open if it so pleases Prime.

2. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

History: Optimus Prime originally planted the grass on both sides and mowed it before Chuck ever knew what chewing the cud even meant.

3. The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.

After a polite dinner party got out of hand, Optimus Prime once made Chuck Noriss eat the Guiness Book of records, disclaimer and all.

4. Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.

Optimus Prime hid Carmen Sandiego in the first place

5. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

This is still true.

6. The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Chuck Norris

Fact: Tanks are mere cybtertronic nits that fell from Optimus Prime's head.

7. Mathematicians have found that due to the excessive amount of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times

Optimus Prime got to third base with Chuck’s mum before even Chuck did.

8. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking

When baking Chucks 12th birthday cake, Optimus Prime willed those candles to burst into flame. Chuck cried with fear.

9. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Optimus Prime was the original superdope homeboy from the Oaktown

10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO

It was Optimus that lent Chuck is lucky monopoly card.

11. Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't

Back story: Optimus Prime decided chuck would live on the land.

12. Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with

Optimus Prime invented Chuck Norris because there were many, many bad films to be made.

13. On the eighth day, God said "Let there never be Chuck Norris." Later the eight day, God was in the hospital

It was Optimus Prime that encouraged God to explore his creative side.

14. Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your forehead

Optimus Prime’s own brand of sleeping pill is Chuck Norris and your forehead.

We'll there you have it, Chuck Norris aint so tough after all!

PH level is ...stupid


So like apparently Paris Hilton said this shortly before she entered jail,

"In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make.."

Nuff said I suppose.

This just in to the JJ Newsdesk!



Optimus Prime, the fearless leader of the Autobots known for his ability to come back from the grave said "Autobots roll out!"

And they did.

moving, just keep me moving.


So about like about 12 years ago I got my Learners Licence. Today I finally sat my restricted...

...and passed.

So you prob be best to stay indoors for a while!

Steinlager Pure lager - Yeah Right


So like are a few truths in life. The All Blacks suck without Richie McCaw, hip hop is not music but a beat and Steinlager is the best god damned beer in the world. And that’s a fact. But to be honest, Supercharger is giving them a run for their money.

No ifs, no buts, no favourite boutique brew from a cold grey garage out the back of Stokes Valley, no imported premium water with added ale.

Drink less of this Steinlager

So why the fuck would Lion Nathan decide that everyday Steinlager needs a richer cousin, the all new preservative free Steinlager Pure. Is Lion Breweries telling me the Steinlager we all know and love is impure? Drinking 12 of them leads you to do impure things, but the pleasure and pain of it all is usually worth it.

Some PR hack-who-does-not-deserve-a-DB wrote “With Steinlager Pure we have bottled the spirit of New Zealand.”

Give. Me. Strength.

Crap like that just smacks of old-school America’s Cup PR champagne/campaign comedy but with a drunk Colin Meads wearing a red sock on his head.

Let’s stick to the facts here: Men drink Steinlager, League players drink Red.

“Steinlager Pure will retail for $24.99 per dozen”. Oh, I get it now, it’s a beer for Auckland Jaffas. I hope they at least sterilized their equipment.

Drink more of this Steinlager
steinlager new zealand lager beer
Steinlager has taste. Steinlager has no taste. There endeth the lesson....

Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.


Jimmy Jangles’ Well thought out guide to saving time.

Don’t want to iron a shirt or wear a tie?


Wear a nice black vest over the top of that damp wrinkly thing.

Don’t want to that that filing?

One word: Shredder.

Can’t be bothered cooking?

Drink the cooking Sherry

Too many beers, not enough time?
Drink the cooking Sherry.

Extra for experts:

Do not rent The Butterfly Effect 2.

Not sure how to make homebrew?

Try this beer making guide.

She wore lemon but never in the daylight


She wore lemon but never in the daylight

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike. That has been echoing in my brain all morning, such is mondayitis. Don’t believe in Peter Pan or Superman?

Then you don’t believe in anything and you know it.

Maybe rock n roll can really change the world? Well, fat Fanny, Lennon and Lenin both failed. Jack Lemmon, well he could sure act but he was just a bit grumpy and old.

Elvis just checked into Weight Watchers.

Its flu season. Pneumonia / Nu Metal – both make the elderly sick. Well Fred Durst generally makes anyone sick so you could be forgiven for dropping dead next time someone gives you a three dollar bill.

Everything you know is wrong, even beat boxing. That will teach you to murder Bon Jovi, b’arch.

WTW Pt:More coked up than Ms Lindsay


.

Fri - Rogan Josh, Cheesecake

Sat – Dream girl(s)..

Sun – Netball (lost)

Read the Bible, its all gone tribal


Read the paper, cartoons are funny and fun
Close that book, the writer’s a crook
Read the Bible, its all gone tribal.


An embargoed media
The press release is a mere chess piece
Buzz from the Beehive:
There are no sheep in Taranaki!
The information drought keeps us tired
The journos are all on the wacky backy


TV1 news aimed at sheep
Not that you care,
You just want Lisa Lewis in her underwear
Newsprint is good for wrapping fish and chips.
TGIF and I like salty lips

Mr Chris: Not just a Bic Fan


Hello kiddies...

have you been good?

Have you been very good?

Good enough that your Mums will let you out on a school night to catch our 48 Hour film screening?

We need all the support we can get to show those so-called professionals a thing or two.

The details:
48 Hour Film Comp (heat six)
Thursday 24th May, 9.15 pm (sharp!)
Paramount Theatre

If you're asked, tell 'em you're there to support the ICW Productions cast and crew - the sexiest, fiercest, GST-inclusive mofo's in town. Forward this to other like-minded individuals! Do it, or the communists win!!!

He farted, therefore he was


So we was shopping at Pack and Slave and there was a hyperactive kid about 5 years old being pushed by a rather harried and haggard mother.

The kid shouts "I farted!"

Mum goes "not funny!"

I pass, by cracking up

Mum goes "not funny!"

Splat


Splat
It’s a shame when the honey don’t come.
Back of my mind
I think I’ve been held up with out a gun.
Lost your X
Where to find, Y
Splat

DUI
FYI
FBI

Add up to an eye for an eyeful
Splat

Last year, tommorow


Last year, tommorrow,  a really bad poem.

Due to too much interest yesterday is cancelled
But please pencil in last Friday for your eyelash tint
Remember yesterday, all my troubles seemed so close today
Newsflash: at least we remembered your birthday,

Last year, tommorrow

When we climbed a magical faraway tree
At the top where we met otherworldy Kings and Queens
And they didn’t gave us glass diamonds and other pretty things

Tomorrow never knew it was to be a December so blue
So you’ll never remember those future days of strawberry lemonade
Le Monde, it was over played.
Tommorrow, last year

Smells like fish!




Get your share of cock sauce from the Asian Food market by Kilbrinie Pack and Slave!!

Pub Humour


I was down at the pub the other night, I had already had a couple of sherbets when I noticed this good looking sort walk in, bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by unnoticed. I ambled over and chatted her up with my normal suave

"G'day - wanna midi of suds?

Anyway, we got chatting and seemed to be getting on ok, turns out

she was 57, but nevertheless we chatted and laughed and joked a

bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.

She asked me if I had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother & daughter threesome. I thought "Struth mate, you've hit the jackpot here." I said, (nonchalantly)

"Nah..never had one of them...

" So we had a couple more beers and she said

"Tonight's your lucky night!" and we headed off back to her place.

She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....

"Mum, you still awake?"

Scotty went to Prague and took this picture




The middle one looks like the what I imagine the ghost of Princess Leia might look like, now let's move it fly boy.

Its like you're always stuck in second gear



What’s with all the celebrities getting getting so wasted these days?

We’ve had the tabloid trials of Mel Gibson, Brittany Spears and Courtney Love. Paris Hilton and her best gin soaked mate Lushed Lindsay Lohan. Robin and Robbie Williams both crop up. Now Ty Pennington is in in on the act Move that drunken bus driver!

The celebrity drink driver is almost like a rite of passage. Got a movie coming out, get wasted! You can dangle a baby over a balcony, breast feed while high on crack and no one gives a damn but drink drive and you’re a star with your own show case on Entertainment Tonight. Throw in a slur about Jews and the New World Order and you have a box office hit.

Off course no one can top the effort of the Hoff in becoming an all time bonafide Youtube star via his drunken burger consumption efforts. Hell fool, he’s bigger than than my humps, my humps.

We forgive the Hoff cos he was Colby’s dad and Michael Knight. We forgive Mel Gibson cos he was like really really sorry and in doing so invented the Mel Gibson Defence. We’ll forgive Ty because he gives babies with no legs no eyes and no teeth new homes.

We feel no pangs of pain for Paris Hilton cos let’s face it, she had it coming and we hate her cos she’s a rich bitch. We forgive Courtney cos she was married to Kurt and clearly has issues. We’ll forgive Robin Williams for being sober and releasing One Hour Photo cos he was Mork but we wont forgive Michelle Rodriquez cos she sucked on Lost, nor Pete Doherty cos his music is worse than Paris’s last single.

We don’t care about rock stars doing metres of coke and lines of groupies cos that’s what they do. Optimus Prime would never drink and drive, cos thats what Autobot leaders do.

All that said I’d be really keen to go for a beer or 50 with the Hoff. We’d chat about how it used to be a privilege to stay up till 7.30 and watch Knight Rider on a Friday night, laugh at the time someone actually drowned on Baywatch and then we’d go out, have some burgers and crash into Lindsay on her way back from visiting Paris in the slammer.

My Top 5 NZ albums


It's music month and Not PC has added his 5cents worth (probably what those albums cost back in the days) and now its time for mine. Not PC has a fairly eclectic sampling of aural delight. Mine conversely is embarrassingly contemporary… Hell, I thought Hello Sailor was a pick up line.

Jimmy Jangles Top 5 kiwi albums to celebrate Music Month, whatever that is. I’m just glad no-one has played Walkie Talkie Man.



Supergroove: Supergroove. You got to know to understand, my man mike plato. You too could have an abundance of platonic relationships if you were down with not looking down. The guitarist from this band is one of the best riffers NZ has ever had the pleasure of making number one. I try to hide it but they just keep coming. On occasion Che Fu actually sang – To be specific, For Whatever Reason is the best thing he eva did. Shame they let the bassist take over… I can remember buying this CD from Kmart with my wages and rushing home to play it!



Dead Flowers – The orange album - You drink the water, I’ll drink the wine. Magic. If you’re feeling lazy, have another Sunday. Aint that the truth.



Shihad – The Fish Album – has one of my fave lines / lies of any song “You are so majestic, so skilful in the way that you make me sick” (Leo’s song). We’re in the Land, even if your head is a rock. Their beast/best album was the one that followed but for me this is Shihad, orange scales and all.




Crowded House – Together Alone – I don’t care if Neil Finn’s a rich bugger with socialist tendencies (or is that Sam Neil?) – either way his success is deserved with this album. Nails in my Feet has a wicked awesome chord structure and Private Universe is a song that actually takes you to that place. Together Alone’ the closer track is one of the best album closers ever – almost up there with Champagne Supernova by Oasis (I’ve said before Finn is brilliant at opening and closings – Kare Kare aint too bad either). Should have dropped Skin Feeling though. That song bites.



The Feelers: Communicate - The Feelers take a lot of crap, probably for being drunken over sexed wankers but this album has so many gems they can be forgiven. Fishing for Lisa is simple but heart felt, Communicate – great two chord intro. And with songs about the weekend and As Good as Gets these are songs that are as k1w1 as you can get. Stay for the party.