Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris

Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris: The Facts

There’s been a lot of internet chatter about the might of Chuck Norris and his supposed omnipotence. The Optimus Prime Experiment has recalled history, studied the Bible and reflected and consulted with Bumblebee. We can now provide you with the definitive facts on Chuck Norris and the reasons and history behind them

1. When Chuck Norris punches, he only uses his left arm, as using the right would cause a rift in time.

Backstory: When Optimus Prime first farted, he created the rift in time which Chuck may open if it so pleases Prime.

2. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

History: Optimus Prime originally planted the grass on both sides and mowed a lawnmower with the best oil for the engine it before Chuck ever knew what chewing the cud even meant.

3. The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.

After a polite dinner party got out of hand, Optimus Prime once made Chuck Noriss eat the Guiness Book of records, disclaimer and all.

4. Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.

Optimus Prime hid Carmen Sandiego in the first place

5. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

This is still true.

6. The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Chuck Norris

Fact: Tanks are mere cybtertronic nits that fell from Optimus Prime's head.

7. Mathematicians have found that due to the excessive amount of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times

Optimus Prime got to third base with Chuck’s mum before even Chuck did.

8. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking

When baking Chucks 12th birthday cake, Optimus Prime willed those candles to burst into flame. Chuck cried with fear.

9. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Optimus Prime was the original superdope homeboy from the Oaktown

10. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker (with a Folie à Deux, to boot), a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO

It was Optimus that lent Chuck is lucky monopoly card.

11. Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't

Back story: Optimus Prime decided chuck would live on the land.

12. Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with

Optimus Prime invented Chuck Norris because there were many, many bad films to be made.

13. On the eighth day, God said "Let there never be Chuck Norris." Later the eight day, God was in the hospital

It was Optimus Prime that encouraged God to explore his creative side.

14. Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your forehead

Optimus Prime’s own brand of sleeping pill is Chuck Norris and your forehead.

We'll there you have it, Chuck Norris aint so tough after all!


Unknown said...

Explain this one then: Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime....

Anonymous said...

You must be msitaken, Chuck Norris would never sleep with white trash.

Anonymous said...

optimus>>>>everything in existence.
oh just for fun bruce lee>>>chump norris. bahaha. bye.

Anonymous said...

marshall they only said that to make chuck feel better.Duh!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe this... You call yourselve an optimus prime fan? this post blows. This isn't even slightly funny.

ZenTiger said...

Anonymous only said that because Chuck punched out his humour chip.

Great post, a good blend of fact (line one) and fiction.

You sure the tin can's name isn't "Optimist Prime?"

Anonymous said...

You know how thay saidit tooktwo nukes to wipe out Japan in world war 2? The US only had one atomic bomb,which they used on Nagasaki. Hirosima was Optimus Prime.

Anonymous said...

You know what would be cool? A movie with Chuck Noris and Optimus Prime working together.

Anonymous said...

When God said "Let there be light!", he had to say please to Chuck Norris. But before Chuck Norris could do anything,he had to get permission form Optimus Prime.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha! Chuck Norris sucks!

Anonymous said...

Chill out Karen