How to write and perform an Old School Metallica Song

How to Write and perform an Old School Metallica Song.

Some background requirements before begining. Lead singer should have a problem with alcohol, the drummer should have got drool on his IQ test but have an ego bigger than his fat round face.

The bass player should be a pushover and the lead guitarist should be a quiet fellow who lets his chops do the talking. Long hair is compulsory for all band members.

Intro:

Begin with a slow, melodic solo.
Add a monster riff that slowly builds over the solo. (If more experienced, reverse these two)
Enter drum beat with a percussion mallet.

Hit those toms faster and faster

Verse:

Continue monster riff with extra rhythm.
Depending on quality of bass player, bass is optional.
Begin singing about the injustice of war, how black your heart is and death in general . Do not include lyrics about love for your mama until you go mainstream.

Chorus:

Metallica don't need no stinking chorus, merely another line about death.

Bridge:

Break for a different arrangement of the monster riff. Include a hint of the 10 minute solo to come.

Verse:

Remind your fans that this is a song about the black death and your stuck at home in sanitarium. Keep that riff going.

Kirk Hammet Type Solo:

Cut from verse and slow it down so people know something cool is going to happen. Replay initial solo but with variation on melody. Get faster. Nope not fast enough. Play it faster. So people know you are serious musicians, change key and add in different guitar effect. Walk up and down the fret board until it bleeds.

Rinse of the blood, repeat

Play drums faster. Play Monster Riff faster. Play 5th solo way fareeeking fast.

Quick Verse:

The song is still about death and the dance of the dead so remind listeners of this fact. Kill 'em all!

Outro: Play fast for 5 seconds.

And you're done, a perfectly crafted old school Metallica song.

Now go play some Metallica!

Extra for Experts:

If you need some lyrical inspiration, find some Metallica lyrics here and here are the lyrics to Death Magnetic, the new Metallica album. And for something completely new, check out the lyrics to Mistress Dread by Metallica.

Pablo Picasso was a breast man

So I went to Brisbane. It's like a high rent hooker called Dupré, compared to the 2 dollar crack whore from Melbourne named Divine.

Er...

I mean I had a good time.

So I went to a real life Pablo Picasso painting exhibition. The Gallery that hosts the exhibition describes it as featuring "over 100 works from Picasso's extraordinary collection plus more than 80 important works by the artist himself."

I describe it as pictures from a dirty old man who liked to sit around all day drawing pictures of hookers and whores with big hairy breasts. BIG HAIRY BREASTS people!

On seeing this I was surprised that Gillette (the best a man can get) does not sponsor the exhibition...

The pretty cool thing was that Picasso traded his work for other works so part of the collection was some of the paintings that inspired him - so there were drawings and prints by artists such as Chardin, Matisse, Renoir (more breasts), Cézanne, Rousseau, Miró, Modigliani and Braque, as well as an entirely boring selection of Oceanic and African works.

My favourite painting actually was Henri Matisse's Maguerite

When I first saw this I was struck by the the simplicity of Matisse’s style.

You can see here how Matisse reaches the paintings apogee with the use of large blocks of solid colour and very minimalist touches, with simple lines for the eyes and nose. One may also be drawn to consider that Matisse must be admired for the courage it must have taken for this master of Fauvism to express himself with such candour.

Or you could just like the green dress and the funny way of spelling Margaret.

What would Matt Cutts do?

What would Matt Cutts do?

Some of you might have realised that Jimmy Jangles does more than simply haunt the pages of The Optimus Prime Experiment and engages in a few side sites, mainly The Spaghetti Incident? That blog started out with the intention of being focussed on music but it kind of floundered. Now I've discovered its niche in the interwebz and I focuss on providing setlists from rock concerts.

People seem to love set lists, the fan boys go nuts when they realise that Stone Temple Pilots have played their first gig together, Radiohead is touring America and played a random U2 B-side or that R.E.M. played Ignoreland for the first time ever in concert.

Ideally I'll make some money off the site and I also want it to be popular. A purple cow or something. So I've been learning all about search engine optimisation which is basically a way of saying, make your page so Google likes it and ranks you over the other purple cows in the paddock.

So from reading SEO sites like Mr Neil Harvey, Edyran and Matt Cutts I've learnt some of the basics of SEO design.

Matt Cutts is the guy that is Google's public face for rules about using Google's Adsense program and search engine optimisation. He is the guy that puts the fear into SEO black hatters - people who try and trick search engines into ranking their pages higher than others by dubious means.

Here's my brief summary of what search engine optimisation technigues have worked for The Spaghetti Incident? Proof it works? Visits in Feb - a few a day. Visits in May 300 - 600 unique per day (increased content has of course helped but I figure the following has too).

Content: I've tried to put on set lists of rock concerts of bands I like, have heard, respect etc. A couple of posts every day means the Google spiders are likely to visit more often and get my content into the google hivemind.

Titles: The titles of each post generally reflect three things: The band's name, that it's their set list and some kind of geographic tag. Searchers look to titles for info on what the subject of the post is. Don't be like a newspaper or woman's magazine and say something outrageous and unrelated to the content. It will just annoy people and they will bounce from your site quicker than a Brett Lee beamer.

Content and Key Words: As they say, content is king. Seeing as one set list of a concert can easily be copied from one site to another (that's how I do it) I try and add a lil bit of an intro to the set list, trying to incorporate the key words that were used in the title. I often use a lil of my own music knowledge and chuck in a factoid or two. Making the key words bold is apparently a good idea too. Good content is not however, it needs to be noticed!

Links:Links to your webpages are like votes in an election. He or she who has the most votes wins right? He who has the most votes, because of their great written content, wins.

Pictures: The SEO experts all say to use images in the post as the google's algorithm likes that stuff (and related links too). Naming the photo properly, giving it a caption and using the famous "alt tag" description gets you into google. Search under Images in Google using the key words 'Jimmy Jangles' and you'll see what I mean. Some people get in photos real fancy like visual sliders..

Making the site sticky: If people stick around and read more than one set list I reckon there is a better chance they will click a google ad and bring me 15 cents closer to retirement. So I try and offer at the end of every set list a url which takes them to more set lists of the artist within the site.

Always provide your source. It's just good manners and Google love's links.

This is all a very amateurish approach but its fun learning about all this stuff. If you want to know more you can ask yourself what would Matt Cutts do?

Extra for Experts: Angels and Demons guide to good SEO ranking in Google

Jimmy Jangles' Transformers T-Shirt Collection

So like it seems like it's Transformers Week here at The Optimus Prime Experiment. If you like, you may blame my grandparents for being me back Mirage from the United States even before Transformers were cool in NZ. I just loved them for it.

You can however blame Jay Bee for this post. A couple of Valentine's ago she got me a Transformers T shirt. It's the one with the Autobot logo to the right. Since that time I have gone Transformers T Shirt Mad. For that you can blame cheap Jay Jay sales... They got a sweet range for 10 bucks a pop in the Manners Mall store Wellington if you keen...

So here's my Transformers T shirt Collection. Enjoy!



This is Jimmy Jangles' T Shirt Collection. Look I know you're jealous, buy your own.



Optimus Prime Megatron Logo



Optimus Prime Red Logo, in old school pose.



Transformers the Movie, featuring Rodimus Prime and Arcee



Autobot Logo on Blue Background



Optimus Prime In Da Hood Logo



Transformers Decepticon Soundwave


Transformers Decepticon Starscream. He's like the fan favourite bad guy. Well its either him or Soundwave.

Optimus Prime T Shirt Banned from a Flight

So like like The Optimus Prime Experiment goes into overdrive this week with a third post on the megatron munting machine.

Turns out a British fellow by the name of of Brad Jayakody was stopped by airport guards from boarding his flight because he was wearing a Transformers T-shirt showing Optimus Prime, fearless leader of the Autobots brandishing a cartoon gun....



Is this what the world has come to? Under educated service staff deeming cotton being a potential terrorist threat? What if Brad had been wearing a Starscream T-shirt? Would the airline have called in the Queen's Royal Guards?

And because I've been drinking I just thought of a joke. What do you get if you cross Optimus Prime with Jake Heke? Optimuss Prime!

For those readers that don't come from New Zealand, thats a reference to Jake the Muss from the film Once Were Warriors.

Nobody white washes Optimus Prime!

So like I love this picture of Optimus Prime. It's a throw up* piece that I found on the bottom of the steps on Hood Street Street.



As I wandered past it on Saturday I saw some dude was whitewashing the building next to the steps. Sensing the worse, I checked, and sure enouugh the whole wall of graffiti was gone. Just like nobody puts baby in the corner, nobody white washes Optimus Prime!

So here's my appeal - whoever did the stencil, please do it again!!!!

Disclaimer: Like the wise judge in Hastings, Jimmy Jangles does not endorse the practice of tagging on public and private property. Unless its Prime time.

* I learnt that term from watching Mu and the cool kids doing the business on Shortland Street. Not that I watch Shortland Street you understand.

Optimus Prime

Man petrol prices are getting so high Optimus Prime has been grumbling about having to take the bus to work. "The Loser Cruiser is for losers," he cried. "It should be Megatron on the bus, not me, the fearless Autobot leader!"

He then mumbled something about peace loving hippies voting for the Green Party and rolled out to save Bumblebee from falling for an obviously set Constructicon trap.



Pictured: Optimus Prime, not a fan of the loser cruiser.