Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris: The Facts
There has been a great deal of internet chatter about the supposed invincibility of Chuck Norris. The Optimus Prime Experiment has now reviewed history, consulted Bumblebee, reflected deeply, and, where necessary, stared into the abyss. We can therefore provide the definitive record on Chuck Norris, his powers, and the unfortunate extent to which Optimus Prime appears to have shaped them.
Optimus Prime vs Chuck Norris, Just the Facts Ma’am
The internet has built Chuck Norris into a myth, a fist-first weather system wrapped in denim. Fair enough. But myths need context, and context is where Optimus Prime enters the chat. Below is the cleaned-up official record.
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1
Fact
When Chuck Norris punches, he only uses his left arm, because using the right would cause a rift in time.
Backstory: When Optimus Prime first farted, he created the original rift in time. Chuck may only reopen it if Prime allows it.
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2
Fact
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
History: Optimus Prime originally planted the grass on both sides and mowed it with a lawnmower using the best engine oil long before Chuck knew what chewing the cud even meant.
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3
Fact
The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer at the end stating that all records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the ones listed are merely those that came closest.
Incident report: After a polite dinner party got out of hand, Optimus Prime once made Chuck Norris eat the Guinness Book of Records, disclaimer and all.
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4
Fact
Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.
Clarification: Optimus Prime hid Carmen Sandiego in the first place.
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5
Fact
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
Status: This remains true.
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6
Fact
The only reason tanks go so slowly is that they are looking nervously around for Chuck Norris.
Further fact: Tanks are mere Cybertronian nits that once fell from Optimus Prime’s head.
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7
Fact
Mathematicians have found that due to the excessive number of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times.
Prime amendment: Optimus Prime got to third base with Chuck’s mum before Chuck did.
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8
Fact
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Birthday file: When baking Chuck’s twelfth birthday cake, Optimus Prime willed those candles into flame. Chuck cried with fear.
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9
Fact
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Historical note: Optimus Prime was the original super-dope homeboy from Oaktown.
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10
Fact
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, with Folie à Deux to boot, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green 4 card from UNO.
Correction: It was Optimus who lent Chuck his lucky Monopoly card.
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11
Fact
Sharks do not live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris does not.
Backstory: Optimus Prime decided Chuck would live on land.
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12
Fact
Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with.
Origin note: Optimus Prime invented Chuck Norris because there were many, many bad films still to be made.
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13
Fact
On the eighth day, God said, “Let there never be Chuck Norris.” Later that same day, God was in the hospital.
Creation memo: It was Optimus Prime who encouraged God to explore his creative side.
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14
Fact
Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your forehead.
Prime counter-product: Optimus Prime’s own brand of sleeping pill is Chuck Norris and your forehead.
