Burmese Albino Pythons and Britney Spears: A perfect combo

big Breasted Selma Heyak with a snake
A reason to buy Dusk till Dawn......
Burmese Pythons are light-coloured snakes with many brown blotches bordered in black down the back. Albino Burmese Pythons are often found to be  white with patterns in butterscotch yellow and burnt orange. If you have any difficulty telling which is which, ask Salma Hayek.

If she's too busy saving her beard off, check out out these pictures. Turns out albino pythons love to pose for the camera. Their, 'I can't be fucked with this photo shoot' attitude is so hot right now:

Check out Blue Steel, or more properly Yellow Steel.

See this bruva below? That's not his tongue. It's the tail of a rat. That's right, albino snakes eat rats just like normal snakes eat rats. Sometimes pythons are known to eat electric fences. Those ones are just a lil too kinky if you ask me. 

In the wild, Burmese pythons generally grow to 3.7 metres on average while specimens of more than 4.5 metres have been found. There are also dwarf forms of these pythons on Java, Bali and Sulawesi but they don't attract such wonder. Also, if they are albino, the other snakes won't play with them. Kids huh?

What's a his favourite song? Coldplay's Yellow?
Burmese Pythons are often sold as pets - this is probably due to their attractive colours and apparently easy-going nature. However, these scaly animals have a rapid growth rate, and will often exceed 2m in length in a year if fed and cared for properly. By age 4, they will have reached their adult size, though they continue growing very slowly throughout their lives, which can be longer than 20 years.

Pythons also consume large amounts of food. Apparently many owners believe if a snake acts hungry, then it should be fed baby seal. I personally don't know how a snake can act hungry other than biting or eating someone whole. None-the-less Burmese albino pythons are opportunistic feeders, they will eat almost any time food is offered. Unwise owners may then overfeed their pets leading to obesity related problems.

But what would a responsible python owner feed their beloved Python molurus bivittatus? Baby seals are nice but difficult to come by so Jessica Rabbits are always a tasty treat:

Hmmm, I love that furry feeling in my mouth.

I should have stewed this rabbit. At least it could have had some seasoning.
Sorry Kids, Easter is cancelled. My bad. 

Albino Pythons sure are more popular than other snakes. They are more greatly sought after because they just look freaking cool when draped around your neck. Don't believe me, ask the womansizer herself, Britney Spears:

Britney Spears wearing a snake over her bikini
I dunno what it is with celebrities enjoying having giant yellow pythons hanging round their necks but it's gotta have some appeal otherwise Angelina Jolie wouldn't have done it:

Angelina Jolie with a snake
Brad's is this long!
Crickey, I think this just ate a dingo!
Even bloody Steve and Terry Irwin both got in on the act and tried to share wearing one to the opening of a zoo somewhere. The fashion critic in me laughs at their matching outfits but applauds Terri's attempt to accessorize.

Seeing celebrities get in on the wear an albino snake craze, the fashion industry has figured out they can go further and show off the latest sexy bra and panties combos by using the snakes. It's some kind of Adam and Eve guilt complex, I'm sure. I tried to ask model Ana Hickman (below) about it and she simply stole my fags and said 'Jimmy Jangles, who the fuck let you in here?' and stormed off in her pink bikini, with one fucking lucky snake in tow:

Does this snake make me look fat in this? Seriously guys, could I lose a few pounds? Maybe the snake should be a different colour to match my eyes? 

According to
National Geographic, habitat depletion, continued demand for Burmese albino pythons in the pet trade, and hunting for their skins and flesh have landed these python on the threatened species list. So who's fault is that? Consumers? People who like nice hand bags? Yes. And Britney Spears. 

I told you it was an Adam and Eve thing.


Anonymous said...

awesome. where's the nearest albino snake pet store in New York?

Anonymous said...

Photos 1 & 5 aren't of Burmese Pythons (1 is a ball python and 5 is a reticulated python) but funny/good article otherwise and I have to agree with you!