You should feel sorry for anyone who says they've worn the 'Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet' as used by Sirocco the Parrot.

So like this must be the oddest thing Wellington's Te Papa Museum has on display: 

The Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet.

So the Kakapo is an endangered NZ parrot. There are like only about 100 of the cute birds about.

These green parrots obviously need to breed to survive but they aint got the message about their forth coming extinction. So concerned Kiwis have set up a breeding programme to help them out.

These people discovered that male kakapo have a tendency to engage people's heads in a sexual mating fashion. It must be some kind of fetish. They don't want do do it with their own kind, but if they see a flap of human hair, they get all frisky.

In an effort to collect Kakapo sperm for the breeding programme, some wiseguy invented 'The Ejaculation Helmet'. 

I kid you not, that's what it is called.

The Ejaculation Helmet is supposed to be worn by some poor sap at which time they then let the Kakapo have his wicked way on their head.

A parrot called Sirocco infamously mated with a Zooligist's head in front of comic legend Stephen Fry which demonstrated why the idea of the helmet kinda makes sense.

Fry said at the time of the shag: "Sorry, but this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. You are being shagged by a rare parrot."

Please Mr Fry, play Professor Pennyroyal in a Mortal Engines sequel!

The above picture is from the Te Papa Museum. The accompanying caption said that the helmet was not successful.

So some guy once got fucked on the head by a parrot called Sirocco for nothing.



Te Papa Museum is also home to this awesome Colossal Squid

NZ Bacon and Egg Pie: A Man's Version of the Recipe

Plenty of bacon, plenty of eggs required.

When you hear the words 'Bacon and Egg Pie' what comes to your mind?

If you're like some mothers out there, you may think "ooohhh a pie. Let's put in some parsley, milk, carrots, onion, chives and some fucking peas".

If you're a MAN, you KNOW bacon and egg pie only has bacon and egg and no fucking peas!

Here's Jimmy Jangles' Bacon and Egg Pie Recipie, Man Style.

The first thing to acknowledge is that as a man, I know you're not going to read these instructions properly. Cos you're a man! I'm way ahead of you buddy, I'm not writing this recipe properly!

Also, wikipedia says New Zealand is famous for its bloody bacon and egg pies, so by making one, you are doing your bit for the country! (of course, if you are not a Kiwi, I humbly thank you for trying a NZ pie, Man Style!). 

This pie also gets you easy Man Points added to your Man Points card.

What you need for a Man's Bacon and Egg Pie

• Flaky Pastry*
• Heaps of bacon. 
• 9 eggs or more. Maybe 10. 8 eggs are for pussies.
• A clean dish.
• Some more bacon.

How to make the pie

• Turn the oven on to any hot temperature. Set to bake. 
• Layer some flaky pastry over the dish, covering the sides.
• Cook the bacon - microwave is the man's easy way out here. Cut that shit up and throw into dish.
• Eggs. Crack 'em open over the bacon. Don't stir, whisk, add milk or any of that shit your girlfriend or wife does. Remember 8 eggs are for pussies, 9 is the minimum for men.
• Cover your pie with more pastry. There will be left over pastry. Make your initials out of it and put them on the top of your pie. Feed the rest to the dog.
• Poke some holes in the top with a fork so it breathes and doesn't get all sweaty like your fat ex did.

How to cook your pie

You turned on the oven right? That's apparently called preheating. Who knew? Put your Man's Version of a Bacon and Egg Pie in the oven. Let it cook for 25 minutes. Don't let it burn OK? That means don't go and play Halo for an hour and then come back and check on it! Bring your TV and Xbox into the kitchen if necessary ok?

Your pie is ready when you say it's ready. Only then. Don't listen to anyone else.

Serve your pie with a cold home brew beer or two beers and maybe a bit of Wattie's Sauce**. Put the game on, or some Star Wars and don't share it with your girlfriend. Maybe give a bit to the dog.

* If in doubt over what pastry to get, ring your dear mother, it's win win as you get the advice you need and she gets a call and thinks you're ace for thinking of her in a time of need. 

Be wary though, this could cost you some Man Points if anyone hears the call, but these are automatically redeemed back when your pie turns out awesome.

** Man Points off if you use any other brand.