You should feel sorry for anyone who says they've worn the 'Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet' as used by Sirocco the Parrot.

So like this must be the oddest thing Wellington's Te Papa Museum has on display: 

The Kakapo Ejaculation Helmet.

So the Kakapo is an endangered NZ parrot. There are like only about 100 of the cute birds about.

These green parrots obviously need to breed to survive but they aint got the message about their forth coming extinction. So concerned Kiwis have set up a breeding programme to help them out.

These people discovered that male kakapo have a tendency to engage people's heads in a sexual mating fashion. It must be some kind of fetish. They don't want do do it with their own kind, but if they see a flap of human hair, they get all frisky.

In an effort to collect Kakapo sperm for the breeding programme, some wiseguy invented 'The Ejaculation Helmet'. 

I kid you not, that's what it is called.

The Ejaculation Helmet is supposed to be worn by some poor sap at which time they then let the Kakapo have his wicked way on their head.

Stephen Fry

A parrot called Sirocco infamously mated with a Zooligist's head in front of comic legend Stephen Fry which demonstrated why the idea of the helmet kinda makes sense.

Fry said at the time of the shag: "Sorry, but this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. You are being shagged by a rare parrot."

Please Mr Fry, play Professor Pennyroyal in a Mortal Engines sequel!

The above picture is from the Te Papa Museum. The accompanying caption said that the helmet was not successful.

So some guy once got fucked on the head by a parrot called Sirocco for nothing.



Te Papa Museum is also home to this awesome Colossal Squid

NZ Bacon and Egg Pie: A Man's Version of the Recipe

When you hear the words 'Bacon and Egg Pie' what comes to your mind?

If you're like some mothers out there, you may think "ooohhh a pie. Let's put in some parsley, milk, carrots, onion, chives and some fucking peas".

If you're a MAN, you KNOW bacon and egg pie only has bacon and egg and no fucking peas!

Here's Jimmy Jangles' Bacon and Egg Pie Recipie, Man Style.

The first thing to acknowledge is that as a man, I know you're not going to read these instructions properly. Cos you're a man! I'm way ahead of you buddy, I'm not writing this recipe properly!

Also, wikipedia says New Zealand is famous for its bloody bacon and egg pies, so by making one, you are doing your bit for the country! (of course, if you are not a Kiwi, I humbly thank you for trying a NZ pie, Man Style!). 

This pie also gets you easy Man Points added to your Man Points card.

Plenty of bacon, plenty of eggs required.

What you need for a Man's Bacon and Egg Pie

• Flaky Pastry*
• Heaps of bacon. 
• 9 eggs or more. Maybe 10. 8 eggs are for pussies.
• A clean dish.
• Some more bacon.

How to make the pie

• Turn the oven on to any hot temperature. Set to bake. 
• Layer some flaky pastry over the dish, covering the sides.
• Cook the bacon - microwave is the man's easy way out here. Cut that shit up and throw into dish.
• Eggs. Crack 'em open over the bacon. Don't stir, whisk, add milk or any of that shit your girlfriend or wife does. Remember 9 is the minimum for men.
• Cover your pie with more pastry. There will be left over pastry. Make your initials out of it and put them on the top of your pie. Feed the rest to the dog.
• Poke some holes in the top with a fork so it breathes and doesn't get all sweaty. 

How to cook your pie

You turned on the oven right? 

That's apparently called preheating. 

Who knew? 

Put your Man's Version of a Bacon and Egg Pie in the oven. Let it cook for 25 minutes. Don't let it burn OK? That means don't go and play Halo for an hour and then come back and check on it! Bring your TV and Xbox into the kitchen if necessary ok?

Your pie is ready when you say it's ready. Only then. Don't listen to anyone else.

Serve your pie with a cold home brew beer or two beers and maybe a bit of Wattie's Sauce**. Put the game on, or some Star Wars and don't share it with your girlfriend. Maybe give a bit to the dog.

* If in doubt over what pastry to get, ring your dear mother, it's win win as you get the advice you need and she gets a call and thinks you're ace for thinking of her in a time of need. 

Be wary though, this could cost you some Man Points if anyone hears the call, but these are automatically redeemed back when your pie turns out awesome.

** Man Points off if you use any other brand.

Elvis would have been a sissy without Johnny Cash

U2 songs lyrics that reference Elvis

Elvis was the King  (kind of the same as Eric Clapton is God but better) - and kings leave a long line of history and influence so it's no surprise that U2 have either referenced Elvis in a couple of their songs or done a cover of a song he made famous!

Elvis Ate America

A song from Passengers that is was almost an Elvis rant - but it did deliver the classic Bono lyric, 'Elvis would have been a sissy without Johnny Cash' which, to my mind, seems true!

A Room at the HeartBreak Hotel

Whilst not specifically about Elvis, the song is a direct reference to Heartbreak Hotel - a song which Elvis famously sang about. Fans of the Rattle and Hum album might be interested to know that U2 recorded song tracks for for the album at Sun Studios in Memphis, where Elvis famously recorded. Room at the Heartbreak Hotel was a b-side to Angel of Harlem  single from Rattle and Hum.

Elvis Presley and America

Apparently this was a letter of sorts from Bono to Lisa Marie, Elvis's daughter.

Unchained Melody

Dare I put this here as it's simply a famous Elvis cover song? Yip - but it's a famous one!


Can't help falling in Love

Another sweet cover of the King.

Do you remember Commander Keen?

Do you remember Commander Keen ?

Gears of Halo has been talking about Mass Effect lately but before there was the Normandy, before Eden Prime and the Geth, before Miranda Lawson and before the Reapers, and before there was Commander Sheppard but after Robocop, there was the ultimate Commander, Commander Keen.

Billy Blaze would jump around on a pogo stick avoiding green aliens (3) and shooting robots with his laser gun and it was the coolest thing around at the time for my thirteen / 15 year old year old self.

Except maybe Lemmings.... and X-Wing....

Commander Keen taught me about looking for hints and tricks in games. A secret message there, a subtle joke there.

It was very original in many facets of its workings.

Classic Tom Hall pose

A bit of history of the game's birth tells that three men made it possible.

Tom Hall, John Romero, and John Carmack banded together in their 'off time' at a company called Softdisk but they eventually left to form the company ID.

I recall the first episode was shareware which was a pretty cool idea back in the day.

Indeed the 3DRealms site says "The entire first episode of Keen was released to the world as shareware. The idea was that you got a good sense of what it looks like and feels like, and if you liked it, you paid for it - and obtained the remaining parts of the game"

The game was released in December 1990 "Gamers who wanted the next two levels had to pay for them - and pay they did. In January, the ID guys got their first royalty check, for approximately $10,000."

They didn't look back after that.

Billy Blaze cosplay

John and Tom went on to become involved in the classic games Wolfenstein, Doom and Quake.

Those three games became genuine gaming phenomena in their own right.

I think a lot of modern games such as Halo and the like have a wee duty of debt to such games.

I see that Commander Keen is available for download on the Steam service - I'd buy the game if there was an ipad version!

Can someone make that happen?

Cosplay: It's a Super Girl kinda day

Sometimes I think the only time people go to Comic Con type events and other Gaming Conventions is to have a decent perv at all the hot babes that like to wear skimpy out fits - Cosplay gives those hotties the chance to flaunt their breasts and legs in public and get away with it.

And you know what?

We're not complaining and neither should you.

So for your viewing pleasure, Gears of Halo has done the hard yards for you and found the top ten sexiest cos players ever. Feel free to agree or disagree but I'm sure can all see from these pictures, the world owes sexy cos play players a big thank you.

Let's start with the super heroine from next door, Super Girl. This babe is a totally perfect match for the sweetness that is the super costumed cosplayer.

Bayonetta - the video game character is simply sex on a stick and this rather perfect cosplayer proves it!

Next up on our top ten list of sexy cos players is Wonder Woman. A feminist icon and a Justice League hero at that, Wonder Woman is one of the most beloved comic characters of all time. We love her cosplay action too!

Here's Mass Effect Two's spot on cosplay of Miranda. Need we say more. Oh? You want more Mass Effect Cosplay? Or were you just looking for the nude mass effect girl?

You can't really have a top ten list like this without including that other super girl, Power Girl. Big Breasts and a skimpy white outfit.

What more could you ask for? Nice legs? Alright, Gears of Halo has you covered:

Take that Aqua Bitch! 

While everyone tended to go nuts for the Silk Spectre II in the movie version of the Watchmen, simply because Malin Akerman.

Silk Specture, Sally Jupiter

Adding perhaps a further touch of class in this suggestive couch photo is Selvaria Bles from the Vampire Chronicles. An evil bitch at the best of times, we'll forgive her for inspiring this sexy cosplay shot.

'Come hither,' said Ms Bles

I've thrown in this Bumble Bee cosplayer as she's just too damn cute to not make the cut!

Sometimes you just have to go large. And that's what happens when you decide to dress up like Ivy Valentine from Soul Calibur. The results are real and they are spectacular!

Ivy Valentine

Perhaps it's fair that the last picture of the top ten sexiest cosplayers falls to someone wearing the ultimate cosplay costume - the classic Princess Leia in a bikini from Return of the Jedi (what would her father Darth Vader say? Or Darth Maul?). Some things never go out of style and neither do metal slave bikinis at cos play conventions:

You now which Leia I'm talking about right? Clue: It's the one with the naked legs 

How to restore an old manrobe

Three cheers for electric sandpaper or how I restored this chest of drawers aka The Manrobe

So the wife spied this manrobe on Trade Me and I thought, hell yeah, that'll do me. The bed in the spare room doesn't need to have ALL my clothes on it any more.... and after I restored this desk last year, how hard could it be?

So what's up first, what's the trick to making these drawers worthy of being a home to my Transformers T Shirt collection?

The first tip is too look for any loose joins or cracks and glue them up.

PVA was the glue of choice for wood working when I was at school so that's what I'll use know.

You'll note at the left of the picture a clamp to hold everything in place as the wood dries. A handy hint is to use a soft rubber mallet to knock the joins back in together (if it's apt). I find it's best to leave any glued bits to dry for 24 hours to give the glue enough time to dry. Which I did. Kind of, when it suited.

I then removed the door of the manrobe and the top of it too which revealed a hidden space for money, drugs and multi tool knives....

The next step in restoring this set of drawers was the longest and tough part. Sanding off the stain. So three cheers for electric sand paper. Start the process with a very course grit sandpaper. I used 60 and it ripped the stain off in no time. When using the sander, be deliberate with your strokes, don't put too much downwards pressure on the sander and keep the strokes in the same direction, going with the grain.

Did you hear me cowboy?

Go with the grain!!!

Next up is cleaning off the sand dust. Get a hearth brush and wipe it off. You could even think about using a damp towel to get the last of it off.

Then you have to repeat the above with a more fine sandpaper grit. I used 150.

I then dragged the heavy fucker out of the man shed and washed it all off with the hose and gave the drawers a damn good clean while I was at it. You know, to get rid of the old man smell....

Then you have to repeat the above with a more fine sandpaper grit. I used 180.

All that took me an age to do. But to paraphrase Jim Steinman, it rung out beautifully.

Now for the staining.

This can be some tricky shit.

What colour to you want? Dark or light?

Do you want all the marks and everything to be covered up? Do you want all the different bits of wood to match?

Do you want a variegated cacophony of wood to be on display? These punk, are the questions you gotta ask yourself. Well do ya punk, do you want the dark mahogany stain like I went for?

 Well do ya?

Remember that secret lid I talked about where your cocaine and knives can go?

This manrobe had a nice, light stain on the inside - I had some Kauri stain left over from another project so I gave it a nice spruce up. You can see from the picture to the left that it came up a pretty sweet shade.

If it's one thing I have learnt while staining wooden furniture it's this and I believe it's bloody good advice:

Check your work! 

Check that you haven't put too much stain on.

 \Gravity is a bitch and the stain can run down the side of your piece and make a right mess. Make sure you get the excess off with the brush - some brands of stain recommend using a cloth but I reckon that risks getting cotton or what not stuck in the finish.

After you've done the staining, give it half an hour and then check your work for runs, messes and misses.

In this particular case I did just that and caught a few drips here and there. I used a sharp cardboard knife cutter to scrape or cut the stain drips or 'clumps' off. I carefully then re-stained those areas. It's a pain in the ass but totally worth it.

Indeed, I was pretty risk adverse about the stain running so the door of the manrobe was placed on the work bench, all nice an flat so there was no chance of it getting messed up:

Once the first coat had dried for 24 hours, it was time for a second coat of dark mahogany stain. When that was all done, I was on the home stretch of this restoration project. I put the door on, and the flip up top, put the drawers all back in and I was done. Mission accomplished with a restored manrobe to be proud of:

Charges over Batman incident, as reported by Senior Constable Adam West of Victoria Police, Australia

This is one of those awesome life imitates art moments that deserve to be shared with the world:

For those not up with the play, The 1960s TV series Batman was played by actor Adam West. Pretty sure this Senior Constable Adam West is a real person as they feature in other police reports.