This is more than you deserve

Let's talk about when technology goes horribly wrong: Could there be another Nintendo 64? And so sayethed the Ali G. Respect. Apparently. And there in lies the rhubarb. Go Buy an Xbox 360. Just don’t hate the player. Hate the skater hater’s haters hater hater. But just do it later. Et tu Brutus. West.side.massive. I fear this is a missive. Either way, I'm not on a mission from God.

Did you wander along the yellow brick road last night? Did you get lost Tin Man? High as a kite the Lion King might just stop to check you out. G / C G / C. Emerald City indeed.

But I have digressified, this is just pictures in the mirror. You know I tried to make you realise. I told you Hamish Marshall was no good. At least 007 The Monster is Loose! Oh to be a better man Robbie, doing all you can. I wish I was a Fat Dancer from Take that. Narrrtt!

Waiting, watching, its four o’clock, I’ve got to stop. Hakuna Matata.

This is the way the world ends

Swagger and Attitude

Frank Sinatra: Living Legend

Bono was asked to introduce Frank Sinatra when the vocal legend was given the Lifetime Achievement Award at the 1994 Grammy Awards. This is the speech Bono delivered in honor of Sinatra, a speech Sinatra called "... probably the best introduction I've ever had."

Frank never did like Rock and Roll And he's not crazy about guys wearing earrings either But he doesn't hold it against me And anyway, the feeling is not mutual

Rock and Roll people love Frank Sinatra because Frank has got what we want: swagger and attitude; he's big on attitude Serious attitude, bad attitude Frank's the Chairman of the bad Rock and Roll plays at being tough but this guy, well, he's the boss The boss of bosses The man The big bang of pop I'm not gonna mess with him, are you?

Who's this guy that every city in America wants to claim as their own? This painter who lives in the desert, this first-rate, first-take actor This singer who makes other men poets Boxing clever with every word Talking like America Tough, straight-up, in headlines Comin' through with the big stick, the aside, the quiet compliment Good cop, bad cop, all in the same breath You know his story 'cause it's your story Frank walks like America -- cock-sure

It's 1945 and the U.S. Cavalry are trying to get their asses out of Europe, but they never really do They're part of another kind of invasion AFR -- American Forces Radio (sic) Broadcasting a music that'll curl the stiff upper-lip of England and the rest of the world Paving the way for Duke Ellington, the big band, Tommy Dorsey And right out in front -- Frank Sinatra His voice as tight as a fist Opening at the end of a bar Not on the beat, over it, playing with it, splitting it like a jazz man, like Miles Davis Turning on the right phrase and the right song Which is where he lives, where he lets go, where he reveals himself.

His songs are his home and he lets you in But you know that to sing like that you've gotta have lost a couple of fights To know tenderness and romance you've gotta have had your heart broken

People say that Frank hasn't talked to the press, they wanna know how he is, what's on his mind But you know Sinatra's out there more nights than most punk bands Selling his story through the songs Telling and articulate in the choice of those songs Private thoughts on a public address system Generous

This is the conundrum of Frank Sinatra Left and right brain hardly talking Boxer and painter, actor and singer, lover and father, bandman and loner Troubleshooter and troublemaker The champ who would rather show you his scars than his medals He may be putty in Barbara's hands But I'm not gonna mess with him, are you?

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to welcome a man heavier than the Empire State, more connected than the Twin Towers, as recognizable as the Statue of Liberty, and living proof that God is a Catholic!

Will you welcome the King of New York City, Francis Albert Sinatra!

The Fat Dancer from Take That

“The Fat Dancer from Take That” was the name given to Robbie Williams by Noel Gallagher in 2000 when they were in the middle of a public slanging match. Noel is famous in some parts for his quips and quotes. Some are designed to generate publicity and some are just mean.

Wishing Damon Albarn from Blur would die of AIDS was perhaps his most vile comment of them all.

    Said dancer in question

Robbie responded to the fat dancer comment by calling Noel a "mean spirited dwarf". The comments continued and escalated when Noel offered Williams a gun so that he could kill himself.

This was all following how Williams was befriended by both Noel and Liam Gallagher, at the time when their band was the world’s most popular. Paranoid and taking too much cocaine, according to Mr Williams, they fell out in proper rock star fashion – through the press.

The reference to Robbie being a fat dancer is now a tad ironic as though Robbie had become a successful singer in his own right at the time the comment was made, he went on to become a major solo artist, being just as popular as Oasis in their hey day.

In 2009 the last laugh could be on Robbie as Oasis split up leaving Noel open to quips that he’s just that old cranky bastard from Oasis. Still, the rumours abound that Robbie is going to rejoin with the reformed Take That so we'll see what comment Noel makes if that happens...

Did you hear Noel Gallagher has a new album out? Do the Damage is a b-side to the lead single, In the Heat of the Moment.

All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade

Oasis’ new best of ‘Stop the Clocks’ has me flying a plane in my big mouth. Not that I need it, I have every Oasis album and a billion singles but it’s the concept of Oasis having a best of out that I love.

Some might say Oasis are over the hill, hasbeens who should make way for gonna bees.

Well stop the clock indeed, Don’t Believe the Truth put paid to the disaster that was the great rock and roll swindle, Be Here Now and picked up where Heathen Chemistry had hinted the band had rebirthed and firmly stomped Oasis back to number one all around the world.

Oasis are the best band in the world and that’s a fact, Jacky Brown.

No band since 1994 has consistently released such quality output, especially in terms of singles being released. The song writing is suburb, though granted their delivery has not always been the case. A blend of all Who have been before infused with a lil bit of stolen Teen Spirit has meant Oasis were the bomb. They needed each other as much as fans like me needed them.

Stop the Clocks will stack up as one of the best best ofs ever. In my blatantly subjective and biased opinion it rates up there with Michael Jackson’s History, Beatles “1” and the Eagles. Songs like Wonderwall, Live Forever, Lyla, Slide Away, Songbird, The Importance of Being Idle and The Masterplan make it so.

In a captain Piccard kind of way.

The fact Stops the Clocks will not have Roll With It, Stand by Me, D’yer know what I mean or Whatever on it speaks volumes as to the quality of the songs that are there.

The thing about Oasis has always been their b-sides. They are better than most band’s A sides. And thus The Masterplan is treated like the National Anthem in Britain and deserves its place on the album.

So all your Oasis haters out there can go listen to your Gnarls Barley and your EMO crap, people who know what music is supposed to sound like and make you feel, head down to your Soundz or whereever next week and grab yourself a copy. That’s what a space man would do. D’yer know what I mean?


Extra for Experts:

I will concede that if Metallica were to put a best of up I imagine that would pretty much be the best best of ever.

Tangimoana Fishing Contest: Jaybee 3, JJ Zero

Our fishing trip at Tangimoana proved bountiful ish for Jenae....

tangimoana fishing herring
tangimoana fishing herring

tangimoana fishing herring

I ate the one in the bucket. Jaybee threw the others back.

Tangimoana Diaries: How to cook a steak

Tangimoana fotos Pt 2

Python eats Alligator in Everglades and feels sick

python vs crocodile in the everglades picture photo

So here it is, the infamous Python vs Alligator photo

This is what happens when pythons are released into the Everglades. The pythons get eyes bigger than their stomachs and think it's safe to eat a whole crocodile.

The Professor Mazzotti who knows about these things believes the alligator was alive when the battle began. It may have clawed at the python's stomach as the snake tried to digest it, leading to the blow-up of the stomach...

The python was found with the gator's hindquarters protruding from its midsection. Its stomach still surrounded the alligator's head, shoulders, and forelimbs.

Scientists have documented four encounters between the giant snakes and alligators in the last three years. The encroachment of Burmese pythons into the Everglades could threaten an $8 billion restoration project and endanger smaller species.

Wikipedia notes the invasiveness of the Python:

Native to southern Asia, the Burmese python is a relatively new invasive species in the Everglades. The species can grow up to 20 feet (6.1 m) long and they compete with alligators for the top of the food chain. Florida wildlife officials speculate that pet owners released their pythons and they have begun reproducing rapidly in an environment for which they are well-suited

Oh all right here's another picture: Alligator Vs Python Round 2

python alligator fight everglades

Want more? Check out this python pulling a kangaroo up a cliff!

Snakes on a Highway!

python after eating a pregnant ewe
A happy, well fed python sits on a highway after swallowing a pregnant ewe in the village of Kampung Jabor which is about 200km east of Kuala Lumpur. The six-metre snake weighing 90kg was too laden to move, making it easy for local firemen to capture it.. with what looks like a piece of rope.

Check out what happens when an Anaconda tries to eat an alligator!

Or check out Animals Eating Animals where the title is what happens!

Snails: good for stomping on.

So like don't you just love it when it rains over night and it causes snails to run for cover to the foot paths so you can then stomp on them on your way to work in the morning? I just love the sound they make. Crunchy like an apple about to be turned into cider. In the name of pest control of course. Someone has to save those cabbages...

Squishy like Elle Driver's eyeball.

I have a Crunchie bar. They are made of gold you know! What you got? I tried a Milo bar yesterday. While you get more go with Moro, this wasn't so bad. It was crunchy like one of those kremalta covered chocolate rice bubble things my mum used to make me and the Ginger Ningas for birthday parties and school lunches. 

If you, dear reader, did not have a mum who made you chocolate rice bubble things then NEWSFLASH!

She didn't love you.

You were simply a food bill.

Wellington Zoo Photos Part 1

Picks from a day at the Wellington Zoo, New Zealand

duck zoo
otter zoo

Here's Zoo Part II with lions and meerkats !

Zoo Fotos Pt II

We love meer cats! Check the horse's leg - still with shoe!

We Care Alot - Lyrics by Faith No More

Is this just the best fuck you song ever? I like that it has Transformers name checked. And it's a big fuck you to Willie Nelson, Michael Jackson and Bob Geldof I guess. Mr Bob Geldolf who thinks Kiwis are selfish. We care a lot about you too Mr Geldof. And Lorde, we freaking love her too.


We Care a Lot Lyrics - Faith No More

We care a lot about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees
We care a lot about the NASA shuttle falling in the sea
We care a lot about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought
We care a lot about disease, baby Rock, Hudson, rock, yeah!

We care a lot about the gamblers and the pushers and the geeks
We care a lot about the crack and smack and whack that hits the street
We care a lot about the welfare of all the boys and girls
We care a lot about you people cause we're out to save the world


And it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it

We care a lot about the army navy air force and marines
We care a lot about the SF, NY and LAPD
We care a lot about you people, about your guns,
about the wars you're fighting - gee that looks like fun

We care a lot about the Garbage Pail Kids, they never lie
We care a lot about Transformers cause there's more than meets the eye

We care a lot about the little things, the bigger things we top
We care a lot about you people yeah you bet we care a lot,


Well, it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it
And it's a dirty song but someone's gotta sing it

Prince Harry Photos Scandals

Jimmy Jangles is oddly pleased to be Google's number one entry for the search term "prince harry photos scandal'" which if you click lands at the page
On a re read I think it might be one of my favorite posts ever.

Which Wellington Barbie Girl are you?

barbie girl cosplay costumes
Come on Barbie, let's go party...
Here's a list of the various barbies that Wellington has to offer.... which Wellington Barbie Girl are you?

Oriental Parade Barbie:

This modern day princess homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with a Prozac prescription and Botox, Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing and is often "working late". Available at all The White House and Yacht Club.

Thorndon Barbie:

This Barbie is only sold at Kirks. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer and a long-haired foreign lap dog named "Honey". Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Porirua Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 Holden Ute with dark tinted windows and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with Cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at participating pawn shops.

Upper Hutt Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with A pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Massey Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes slow-rise ph acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top.

Purchase her Holden Ute Convertible separately and get Fly Buys points absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at any Warehouse Store. Massey Barbie sold separately.

Hutt Valley Barbie:

This pale model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans 2 Sizes too small, "It's All About Me" T- shirt and a Guns and Roses tattoo on her shoulder.

She has a six pack of Lucky and comes with Metallica CD's. She can spit over a distance of 2 metres and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after their last big fight. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at K-Mart.

Stokes Valley Barbie:

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a 2 litre of Pepsi and a DPB cheque. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Ford pickup are optional. Available At The Warehouse.

Te Aro Barbie:

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no make-up and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not have, want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at the Ferry terminal.

Vivian St Barbie:

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work and hangs out at SPQR. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased out.

Petone Gothic

By Debbie Mannix

Two shots of happy !!

This on the official U2 website:

Tour dates within the NEXT week!

News just in: the previously postponed Vertigo '06 Tour dates are definitely being rescheduled and an announcement confirming all details will be made 'within the next week'.

Word is that the final details on shows are just about in place and an announcement is on the way. As usual U2.Com will be the first place to have the full story.

Chloe of Wainuiomata: National Icon



Stuff reports how Chloe of Wainuiomata has been caught shop lifting!


Chloe Jane Perovic, 47, was granted diversion in Napier District Court for stealing $23.62 worth of pet products from Napier's Pak'n'Save supermarket last Thursday.

The case was adjourned to June 4, a date she will have to keep only if she has not met the conditions of her agreement with the police.

In 1994, as Chloe Reeves, she shot to nationwide attention after appearing in her tiger slippers on Gary McCormick's Heartland television series.

The show sparked complaints from Wainuiomata residents who felt Chloe gave an unfavourable impression of their suburb.


Maybe she was trying to feed her tiger slippers??

Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind.

So Superman Returns eh? Its both good bad and ugly.

It's good in that it has Superman doing his superman thing, rescuing damsels, prevent disasters and juggling er… giant steel balls. It has some  F.A.B. movie references to the back catalogue of comics/films/baseballs/whatever/mythology. 

It looks good and all too. Supes flys like he ought a – effortlessly. I loved these bits of the movie.

But I'm going to focus on the BAD because fan boys love to bitch a about great movies…. Supposedly.


The ending of Superman II has Supes make Lois Lane FORGET she knows he is Clark and I thought, that she loved him and Superman too and forget all their adventures including doing the wild thing in the Fortress of Solitude. … so I don't understand why Lois is still in love with Superman when he returns from his 5 years in space doing his own NASA space exploration programme…. I could be wrong on this point though….

Lois Lane was shite. She was a poor casting.. She cant hardly act. I was crushed. There I said it. What a freaking waste of my time. I didn't buy the love and I didn't believe the tenacity she supposedly has as a reporter. The whole time I was going are you KIDDING me? Where's Margot?  And she supposedly can survive being bashed about in a plane crash and not have one freaking bruise to her face. The beating she took would have made Christopher Reeves thankful he only ended up in a wheel chair, it was that bad. Yet she can walk.

Kevin Spacey – not one time did I believe he was evil. Waste of my time therefore. His EVIL plan was LAME. Lex Luthor is Stuck on Stupid.  The whole evilness plot was shite. Woo woo! Lets use Kryptonite to kill superman. Again. Give me a break. It made the movie pointless and so I was reduced to following the references and nods to what had been before and the following the supposed love story which I hardly bought. How could you love someone that ugly? At least the kid was cute.

We all know Superman can reverse time. Why the hell doesn't he do this and just kill Lex when he is a baby? MEH! As to the Superman man portrayal by Boredom Routh I can some it up like this "Yeah Honey, I had sex with her but it didn't mean a thing. I was thinking of you the whole time!"

Jimmy Olsen. Fuck what a drip. Nuf said.

That dead guy from Xmen. What a drip. Nuff said. He and Jimmy should start a family.

In short, the best acting was from Marlon Brando and he's dead. At least in the real world Mystique nude is smokin hot.

Okay I've b'arched more that I meant too. Suffice to say as a big fan I'm disappointed but at the same time pretty happy to have seen the red cape fly once more.

If you're into some really interesting movie references, check out what inspired Star Wars.

You can't keep a good Master Chief down for long?

Bonsoir. I am in bed spitting great grey green greasy spit balls into tissues. Yep, its time for JJ to go all nancy boy and spend the day in bed, too weak to do anything. Just pathetic really.

The Holly Would Child

The Holly Would child
Is a baby gone wild
She cuts her cake an eats it too
Looking for Heaven she knocked on the wrong door
Repented to late
Her highway to hell had already been dialled

Enough of photogenic power
Bring on the industrial strength sleaze
Videos of her in the shower
Down on her knees
Begging, crying, dying to appease.

No slouch on the casting couch
Her mother was appalled
At the guys she balled
Daddy was aghast as she posed thick and fast

Her body borne sins
Grant her lottery wins
The Cash Cow looks no gift horse in the mouth
She's cashing up before her assets drift south.

Did Head Like a Hole ever find who this guy was?

Come on guys get fire wise! or I'd like to buy a vowel please

Anagram of the Crusaders: Arse Crud

And that's what they'll be on Saturday.

Go the Canes!


Or as naysayers like Uncle Timmy reckons thogh the canes may reach ruin

Either way the Canes making the Final is PFA*

*Pretty Fucking O for Oarsome.

Supermodel not clever - shock

   On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate
   Moss wanted to take a pee. The assistant told
   her: "Well, there is a loo, but there's no
   door on it".

   Kate replied: "Well how the fuck do I get
   in there then?" An embarrassed silence ensued...
Stolen from popbitch


# Canes won. Just.
# Blues lost. Jafas.
# Otago won. Good Job! (say with annoying american accent)
# Chiefs won. Chur bro.
# Crusaders won. Pass me the speights.

Oh did I mention Jay Bee moved in? Pass the champagne!

And the baby said.....

  • So I saw the music video 'Dancing in the Street' last night. It's got David Bowie and Mick Jagger hitting on each other in really bad 80s digs. Its gayer than Relax by Frankie goes to Holly Wood and the entire The Village People discography combined - not that there's anything wrong with that. 
  • If video killed the radiostar why is Holmes still on the air
  • Go the Canes!
  • And the baby said.....

Well whaddaya know?

The Black Caps have found some spine! Cheerz Flem.

Well now, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper Sprout

So like I was wandering passed the Deluxe cafĂ© this morning (its by the Embassy Theatre) and I noted they were playing a Johnny Cash song. They being the 'Ukelele Orchestra'… so picture this - 8am at the coffee house and 7 ukeleles and one upright bass are punching out Jackson by The Man In Black.

They were singing along like it was a regular hootenanny (ooogga oogaa oggaa!) – it was quite a cordial chord chorus, they were 'off' as singers, though very enthusiastic, but put the musicians, coffee and the whole vibe together it was quite cool almost unreal errr…. almost surreal. The manager ? of the Deluxe was outside and told us they practiced every Thursday – so if ur about next week head on over for some coffee and Cash.


Oh funny story… oh wait she'll kill me if I tell…..

10 Questions

  • Why are Xbox 360 wireless connectors so damn expensive?
  • Will Pearl Jam's new album actually rock? Check out the lyrics to Pearl Jam's Lightning Bolt
  • How can Jason Gillespie score more in a single innings than an entire Black Caps innings?
  • Wishing Matty 'Skippy' Sinclair had of been picked instead of any one in the top order?
  • Should I have the Korma or Rogan Josh for lunch?
  • What's your Melbourne Cup pick?
  • Been poked in the face lately?
  • Or just poked?
  • Will Chinese Democracy ever be delivered?
  • What about the new GNR album?

Gman has an interesting post about:


A few things:

Repeat after me: Australia is not in danger of losing the test match to Bangladesh

When is Zach de la Rocha delivering his Chinese Democracy?
Does anybody here remember Vera Lyn?

Gee up Neddy!

11 was 1 racehorse
22 was 12
1111 race and

Mum taught me that years ago!

It gets worse...

The Manatee just reported his ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police reckon that he topped himself.

I listen to Johnny Cash to try and ease the pain
But I drink a beer and just get drunk again
I thought I had it all
But now Welcome to the Suck.

You'll never be a Kiwi till you love our watties sauce!

So like I was filling in my census form last night and I came to that curly one about ethnicity that's been having a stir in the MSM -  does this blue eyed blonde write down he is a proud New Zealander or tick the New Zealand European box like a good little conformist?


It's a question on ethnicity, rather than nationality I suppose… so I was heading NZ European way - but to be sure I looked up the definition of 'ethnic' in the dictionary mum gave me when I was 12 -  it had the usual ra ra about race, minority but it also gave the suggestion that ethnic was grouping by shared beliefs, languages etc. There was nothing about Buttered Chicken.


I thought yep, New Zealanders could fit that description. Our common belief is the All Blacks will win the Rugby World Cup and that we should have Brought Back Buck. Hence I'm an ethnic New Zealander.


So I wrote down New Zealander. And then I thought, that will just help screw the stats in terms of their intended use. So I ticked New Zealand European box too.


If they had of asked me to fill in a box saying I was a pakeha I would have baulked cos that's just so…. rangi.

She dreams in colour, she dreams in red

I was staring at the sun of my pc screen when I heard myself singing 'she dreams in colour, she dreams in red' and I thought – yep, that's one of my fave songs. So for ur listening pleasure here's a random list of some favourite songs. Its the usual suspects as you would expect.

Better Man                                Pearl Jam
Rocking Chair                            Oasis
Wonderwall                               Oasis
The Fly                                     U2
Country Feedback                     REM
Lightning Crashes                      Live
Losing my Religion                     REM
Where did you sleep last night? Nirvana
The best thing about them all is they have cool guitar chords amd changes - all fairly easy to play along to guitar karoke style. Except the Fly. I'll leave the fiddly bits to The Edge.....

Note: If you disagree with this most perfect of lists, I will come and trash your house, Talking Heads style.

Hail Mary!

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee ...

pulp fiction film cover

Things we have QuentionTarintino's  Pulp Fiction to thank for:

  • Making Mayonnaise/Aololi become very popular as a bar snack
  • We can use cool lines like "are we cool?" and "Zed's dead, baby; Zed's dead!"
  • The resurrection of John Travolta (because without Swordfish we may never have seen Halle's Comets)
  • We all understand the metric system a little better. Royale with Cheese?
  • The countless lives saved through giving a shot of adrenaline through someone's sternum which has been carefully defined using a magic marker to create a magic mark.

When your priest mentions Ezekiel 25:17, you know exactly what he means:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost
children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Things we have Pulp Fiction to blame thank for:

Samuel L Jackson turning up as Mace Windu in Star Wars.

Every Atom Draws Great Big Electrons

So like this is probably a you-had-to-be-there story but whatever....


I went to the music store the other day to get me some strings for my faithful Takamine guitar. I walk in and say to the hippy looking dude 'Hey dude, gimme some Martin Strings , low gauge please


'Sure dude, you want bronze or phosphorous?


Bluffing I say, 'I think I'll stick with the phosphorous, they give a rich tone


Hippy enthusiastically replies, 'Oh yeah man that's soooo true, these ones are great for the mids, you get great levels man!!!!!


The Jerry Garcia look-a-like seemed to think I know what I'm talking about and continues with an endless discourse about sonic principles and tonal qualities or something. I figured he'd smoked at least a kilo for lunch so I interupt. 


'Ah dude, I have no idea what you're talking about


'Oh? Really? These strings are sweet.
Got the strings home, chucked 'em on. Played gat for two minutes and broke the high E. It's a cruel world.



I love the smell of napalm in the morning

So this is a classic moment from the movie 'Apocalypse Now'. Robert Duvall is playing Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore,  a psychotic man charged with leading the 'airborne calvary'. In a brief battle, they have just taken a surf worthy beach off 'Charlie'. Kilgore gives one of the most famous quotes in film history:

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like ... victory. Someday this war's gonna end."
Well that's all fine and dandy but what if they had used beer bombs instead of napalm?

"You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Beer, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of beer in the morning. You know, one time we had beer bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I still walked upright. We didn't spill one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink beer. The smell, you know that hops smell, the whole beer fermentation working out . Smelled like ... drunkness. Someday this hangover's gonna end." - Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold - Stairway to Heaven Lyrics

No Stairway? Denied! Stair Way lyrics by Led Zeppelin

There's a myth running round town that musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover in store shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

Is this true? If so, that explains the 'No Stairway' rule in Wayne's World. Well, it doesn't really but it's still a cool story bro.

Anyways enough of that bollocks, here's the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin which was used to much mirth in the Wayne's World Movie.


Theres a lady whos sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and shes buying a stairway to heaven.

Theres a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get
When I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who standing looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow
Don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the may queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow,
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.


Stairway to Heaven has to be one of the most classic rock songs in the history of all rock songs. The lyrics are mysterious and brooding, in fact the lyrics could be about bloody anything. That's the beauty of fine song writing skills eh?