Bring Back Penelope Barr

So like fuck Wellington and its fucking cold weather. Its bad enough that Take That are getting back together but this fucking rain is pissing me off. NE way who fucking complains about the rain in a blog? One only does that when they have nothing to say.

Everything you know is wrong

I believe in the power of television. I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract. I believe in closed circuit tv. I believe the internet is the new bible. I believe in sugar filled drinks. I believe there is nothing out there but big rocks and aliens. I believe Captain Kirk was beamed up. I believe in miss congeniality. I believe its okay to eat fish cos they don't have any feelings. I believe all we need is love, love, love. I believe in rock music. I believe Shortland Street can really save the world. I believe in bread. I believe in coke and microsoft. I believe in rational choice and independent thinking. I believe in you. I believe in monsta truck and Phar Lap. I believe in the almighty dollar. I believe in user pays. I believe in the Easter Bunny and Superman comics. I believe in Bert and Ernie and the rubber ducky. I believe in rubber and rubbers. I believe in the Black Caps and picnics. I believe in the alphabet. I believe the truth is out there.

Untitled

Though plain to some folk

His folk crossed the cotton plains

Singing songs of a white man's fallen dreams

And a blackman's haunted screams

All he had was three chords and the truth

So he sang for the convicted when there was no guilty proof

And when the crowds did come and applause

The claps and the cheers lifted the roof

When hewas channelin' Chaplin

And spouting like Thomas

His songs come upon us

With wise words of livin'

Such was the music of  Bob Dylan

I'll Have A Bacardi And Coke Please Myfannwy

So like I've been trying to get my sticky fingers on 10 grand the easy way by consuming the liquid offerings of the world's worst teeth rotting, nail rusting, sugar craving sating brand, Coke. 

Or rather Diet Coke. 

Diet Coke is offering 10 grand on a credit card instantly if u find the right bottle cap. 

I figure I've drank more diet coke in the last week than Steinlager beer trying to win. Which is kinda hard to believe really…

Obviously I haven't won the 10 grand. I wouldn't be sitting here if I had. 


I'd be drinking Steinlager at the Feathers if I had. 

I type lots don't I?

So like are there other people out there who have switched from the  supersaturated with white death products of Coke and V products (me) to Diet Coke in the hope of a small matter of 10K like me? 

And if so is the reduction in sugar making me/them more healthy? Is Coke and my/NZers greed to win 10K ironically making us skinnier and therefore healthier? 

If so real real Coke should be banned. 

Or taxed. Hey! That's a great idea 

Jimmy - lets tax all food that's bad for us....... *

That is of course only true if drinking diet coke is good for you in the first place. I have my doubts.

My usual breakfast is a V, and bless Frucor, its packed with 190kJ per 100 ml serving. Or 11.2g of carbohydrates  per 100ml which is all sugar (I think). Who needs soggy weet-bix when u can suck down on a V or Coke.

 Today's nutritionless brekkie was Diet Coke, packing a pussy amount of 1.5kJ and 0.1g of carbs. Needless to say my intended effect of Diet Coke is shite and by 10am I went had had a proper teeth rotting V.

*Sarcasm intended to drip like a dog's mouth from that sentence.

We don't like cricket, oh no! We love it!

So some random comment leaver left a snide comment about cricket. Well, like the Empire did, I'm striking back with an observation on the game at hand .

 

The World XI batting line-up – is this best team ever assembled in terms of averages? 6 of them have averages of over 50. 5 of those are over 54. Nine players of that team have at least two centuries to their name for a total of 126 centuries between them. Has that ever happened before? I'd email The Numbers Guy at Cricinfo but well that would be just too tryhard...

 

Oh - what about having three triple test centurions playing the in same line-up together? Surely that's never happened b4??....

 

 

 

That man deserves a DB.

So like some smart* chick has been running round some town claiming to be Tana Umaga's sister and duping a taxi company into free rides. U can find the story on the NZ Herald site and a cool picture of a python with eyes bigger than his head. I'd link but it's a hassle apparently...

 

Ne ways – this impersonation reminded me of a feeble I attempted about 3 or 4  years ago. JJ Murphy's bar had recently opened in Cuba Street. The usual and then recent Wellington immigrants/suspects and  I were there, lagered up, aled and ginned up, as usual. Probably barred up as well but that's another story.

 

So iizatdabar about to order a drink and I spy with my lil eye a certain tasty beverage beginning with the letter S.

 

Says I "A steiny thanks, mate"

 

The Good Barkeep "Sorry mate, we don't sell that here, JJ Murphy's is a DB bar we cannot sell Steinlager or Lion Products by contract. How about a Celtic Red?"

 

Says I "Yes yous all do – their there" and I points at 'em.

 

GB "Oh those are the owner's….."

 

SI "Well I'm the owner's son!"

 

GB "Yeah? What's your name then?"

 

SI "Murphy!"

 

Slightly bemused GB "Piss off mate!!!!"

 

SI "I'll have a Celtic Red, then thanks"

 

And that's the story. I guess you had to be there.

*till she got caught.

More than meets the eye.

I still remember my first Transformer fondly. I vaguely recall our on2it Grandparents bought them back from America for us kids. I got Mirage, the F1 racing car. He had a missile that actually fired and everything. He was better than that rat shit Ratchet Dave got anyway….heh!

Mirage was my pride and joy until I left him on the bedroom floor and mum stomped on him with her red leather boots, apparently an accident. It's funny, you always remember the tiniest details when tragedy occurs - those red boots were clearly made for stomping on a child's dreams anyway. I was gutted the police didn't take my call about a murder in the family more seriously. A heroic gluing attempt by my father turned Mirage into a paraplegic and he was never the same again.

'More than meets the eye' was the tagline for what are undeniably the best toys for boys ever. In the early days I wondered who this strange Morvan robot was and why I had never seen him. 

And what was the Eye?

I wondered if that Autobot face logo was actually him. It wasn't until I got my first Transformers ice block that I saw it written down and understood.

But the Transformers spark never died. 

NZ caught up to America and the lil mofos where everywhere. TV, towels, T shirts and ice blocks and comics and colouring in books galore. It was consumer whoredom heaven for kiddies.

Xmas duly came and boy o boy hasbro toy did Santa deliver big time. I became the proud owner of Optimus Prime, Fearless Leader of the Autobots and thus the best transformer ever. (We soon after got a new cat, and that's right, I named him Optimus Prime. This was swiftly shortened to Oppie. Sad but true.)

I was, for once, the coolest kid in the street. David got Megatron, the evil opposite of Optimus. The battle for Cybertron was never fought so well than in our bedrooms and the sandpit which Oppie often shat in. That is until Dangerous Dave took Megatron to school one day. The Meg returned like he'd just had a bout of rough sex with a bull dozer. Game over, man, game over.

Then there was the Movie. 

Optimus Prime died in the first 10 minutes. 

What the fuck! This is a kids movie! You don't kill the heroes! 

Oh wait I see now…kill the leaders, present two new ones and thus force parents everywhere to buy the latest must haves for their deserving little angels and whoa! We're millionaires twice over….again...

Cuba Street Crawlers

Cuba Street.

It's where the weird people are.

And the wild. 

A real menagerie of people – it's the nexus for just about every kind of activity of exchange in the Wgtn CBD.

It's the Trade Me of the real world. Hookers or handbags – it has it all. 

Even pruno drinkers.

Thus JJ brings you his observations of the Cuba Street Crawlers.

The Busker.

This is a diverse group of money makers. From the Spanish guitar player to the guy with the imaginary guitar they all try their luck. Scruffy or impeccably turned out – it's a hit and miss affair as to who yer gonna get. My personal fave was the English guy who did b-side covers of Oasis and Ocean Colour Scene tunes. Sadly missing for a while now.

These players are prone to turf wars, particularly a certain Pacific Island woman who gets hacked off with the amped up imaginary guitar players. These exchanges are usually more entertaining than the music on offer.

The Cosmic Corner Crowd.

They believe in the cosmic. As in they are 'especially distinct from Earth'. Enough said.

The Drunk

Falls into two distinct categories.

If I could sum up the first with two words it would be "Blanket Man". Without a doubt 
BM is Wellington's most famous bum. Certain to be found drunk or stoned with his other drunk or stoned comrades loitering somewhere near the Bucket Fountain.

Famous for exposing himself and smoking weed this guy doesn't have a care in the world. 

He is possibly too drunk and stoned too realise this however.

The other category of The Drunk is at the other end of the spectrum. Fast becoming known as

The Drunksy.

This breed of crawler appears after watering all night at the Good Luck Bar or Matterhorn to puke or piss in the Bucket fountain.

Other signs of the Drunksy are the inability to climb stairwells or recall any event of said watering activities. 

The Drunksy doesn't have a care in the world save finding a cab home.

 Is possibly too involved with his or herself to find one.

The Cafe Crowd

Hipsters on Cuba Street drinking fair trade coffee, perhaps at Fidel's. According to their TS shirts, they believe Che lives and Fair trade and any other world saving slogan or Live 8 concert is gonna make a difference. Probably really enjoy a ph tested kombucha drink.

Everyone else

Just heading up to Real Groovey records for the latest Goldfrapp remix single on vinyl....

That man deserves a DB

Dominion Brewery workers are going on strike for first time in 20 wears. All I can say is thank your god fearing, beer drinking beer gods it’s not Lion Nathan workers. LN makes the best beer in NZ, if not the whole world, Steinlager. And that’s a fact. A day without like Steinlager is like a day with out oxygen. Lifeless.

The Union wants 5 percent wage increases (Hmm, is that Andrew Little I smell?) DB has offered 4. I don’t know the whole details but I know anything above the rate of inflation seems to be a good deal. I guess DB should be thankful they don’t have a factory in Tonga!

I dislike unions – mainly because they seem to get hijacked by people who seem to think that everything in the world is owed to the workers. It’s not. I’ve ranted about this before but I’ll say it again if I give you a job, it’s my right to tell you how I want it done and how much I want to pay you. You can agree to do the work or not. NE arguments, its my way or the highway. Unless you have a better idea. And then I might give you a 10 percent bonus for working hard.

Just like DB does……

Update 1: Adolf Finklestein does a good post on the beering saga

Update 2: I actually did drink to DB's good health last whenerai. Good times times with Monteiths Pilsner indeed! Shussh! don't tell Geordie I was drinkng at the Occidental instead of the Feathers!

Update 3: There is no update 3. Get back to work!

If you're into beer, why not learn to make your own home brew!

Violet Grape Dance

So like it was National Poetry Day/Week or something yesterday. I had no inspiration to create so I went thru my stuff and found this old one. Seeing as its Woman's Refuge appeal week it seemed kind apt.

I wrote it in like 1995 when I was young and dumb. I still am.
-

VGD

Take your time, as much as you care
Irises, laveder and violets are in bloom outside my window
Take your books.
I have no room.
Your words mean nothing so I stare

Take your comb, gel and mace
Relax, I'm not driving tonight
and I don't need straigntening cause the worm will see me right
I'm gonna throw your clothes in the fire place.

You leave because of my worms?
Add a touch of salt and simmer, while I
forget the fun, frolics and freshness
I have no need for an inward eye.
Baby I'm still a winner but my stomach burns

Like a grape ripening I grow in lavender scent.
The sun dances on me, it teems, bountiful with its time.
Green to Purple.

Purple bruises, battereed pinks, gashed greens.
Is that why you went?

"William, this is James”

So like 5pm I turn up home. The Lil General has let himself in with the spare key. He’s in the army and there’s some dude called Handy with him, apparently he’s an Officer or a Left Tennant. We drink beers, spruce up and head to Molly Mallones in a cab.

The cabbie says, “you boys look pretty flash, yer thinking your gonna meet the Prince or something?”. “Um yes” the Lil General replies. Cabbie doesn’t believe us. Well he’s South African so who cares right?

At Molly Mallones bar – Meet some more army, navy and airforce dudes and lasses. Don’t see Molly any where. All good people and all having a nervous pint or two before us “movers and shakers” head off to the Governor General’s house.

We breeze thru security and pull up at the main entrance. A butler (?) opens the cab door for us. Crikey that’s a bit posh. “Welcome to Government House!”

LSS get inside and meet the Governor General, Dame Silvia Cartwright, who is wearing a black top with a black dress and white polka dots. Being the GG she’s very comfortable meeting nervous twits like me and the Lil General and a lawyer. After minor chit chat she says something like “Well the Prince is here to have to have a good time and I hope you do to” to which I reply something like “thank you for inviting me…” Man, I’m a plonker.

So we’re mingling. The Lil General is AWOL but I have bubbly. So I make new friends. Prince William is meeting the guests. I don't meet the Prince. Gutted. And then it's dinner.

Seated at lucky table number seven there is a stunner to my right and a stunner to my left. My hat off to whoever seated me! Shannon Paku, future All Black is to my right one over and a dude from Treasury another over. All great people, wondering how the hell they got here in the first place. Later I introduce the Lil General to Shannon and I say “ ….and this is Shannon, future All Black” to which he says “ I hope so” and really means it. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his NPC minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

Dinner is buffet. I have prawns, crayfish, lamb and ham. I have given up all chance of meeting Prince William. He is surrounded by all the pretty young things. They are gagging for it.

Do you still care? Any way dinner is over, Fat Freddy’s Drop is playing. Very cool. They know what the occasion is and play to it. Not too loud, not too flash, just some cool groovey tunes.

So I’m standing around drinking my erm, Lindauer, with Handy and we spy the Prince unguarded. We bowl on over. Intercepted by his body guard. Who turns out knows Handy. We chat.

“James, have you met the Prince?” he says. “No” Says I.

Guard reaches into the crowd that has surrounded the Prince and touches him on the arm. He turns. “William, this is James”.

And that’s how I met Wills. He’s taller than me and going slightly bald at the back. He had a nice pale blue shirt on. As he shakes my hand he says,

"You're not in the army are you? Not with hairlike that!"

"No" I reply, somewhat embarassed but sharing in the laugh (Having given up all hope of meeting the man, I had tied my long hair up like David Beckham style when he had long hair).

We chat randomly; The Lil General is suddenly beside me getting a piece of Prince Action. Bodyguard whispers something in Will’s ear. He goes something like “Farming....”. I deduce through the mild haze of Heineken and bubbly he’s still talking to me. I work in the ag industry. Conversation impossibly turns to rabbits. I shit you not. Rabbits. I say,

“We try and shoot them all in NZ, Sir”.

Yes that’s right. I said exactly that. William looks at me quizzically. I consider raising the issue of calicvirus. I don’t. Conversation moves on to when the Lil General ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

I realise I am in the presence of a genuine bloke who seems quite happy to meet me and the Lil General and co. He’s sane and earthed. Either his mum raised him good or his minders have given him some media training. It’s probably both.

It’s pretty cool. I say to Wills, “William, fantastic to meet you,” hold out my hand, he shakes it and I bail not wishing to overstay my welcome. The Lil General remains.

I’m buzzing. So is everyone.

Later we head to town. Courtney Place is closed off a cause de the Lion’s tourists. It’s a sea of red jerseys. People every where. End up at the Vespa lounge. It's cool. Head to Jet bar. It's not cool. Typical. Get home 3ish. Txt a million people that I met Wills. Sorry for that!

I think I left my dinner jacket in the GG’s ballroom. I’ll get it later.

Update: Shannon Paku still hasn't played for the All Blacks, Fat Freddies Drop went on to have a huge selling album and were the most popular band one summer and I never collected my jacket from Government House....

Stacked Actress

I wrote this on the bus ride home last night, you tell me what its about.

Stacked Actress

She’s an actress
Dealin’ in theatrics
I cant’ stand these circus tricks
And Dear God, I need a fix

She’s an actress
Stacked to the hilt
Causing me stress
I’d rather date Aker Bilk

Flashed in the pan
A tragic thespian play
I can’t stand,
That for these tickets I had to pay

Keep It Together

So what's the deal with David Hasselhoff? He's become some kind of crazy icon. Every so often a deranged emailer sends me a picture of 'The Hoff' in some disturbing pose. Surfing. Posing at the Beach. Shirtless. Now he was cool as fuck in Night Rider. He had the beach babes in Baywatch. Not that we actually watched the bay much. Then he fell from grace and did an american bastard version of Dr Who.... NE way whats the deal with all of the attention? Shouldn't it be about the car? Chicks dig the car. Without Kit the talking car the Hoff is nothing? a mere has been like William Shatner?

A terrible joke to round off.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

5

5 wickets for Martin!!!! Thats one thing Tamihere can't deny! ;)

Here we go again?????

Update: New Zealand 119/5 (Vincent 15* McCullum 3*)


New Zealand 2nd innings R M B 4 6

CD Cumming lbw b Malinga 16 73 0 0
JAH Marshall lbw b Jayasuriya 39 122 6 0
HJH Marshall lbw b Malinga 6 17 0 0
PJ Wiseman lbw b Malinga 0 5 0 0
*SP Fleming retired hurt 6 9 1 0
NJ Astle not out 19 51 1 0
L Vincent not out 14 29 1 0

Extras (lb 6, w 1, nb 8) 15

Total (4 wickets, 49.4 overs) 115

Keep your teeth clean, DYKWIM?

More on Tamihere.

Apparently he gave this quote on le televizzion last night. I think it is absolute genius.

"I idolise Michael Cullen - I'd give the bloke my toothbrush if he asked for it"

I only grudgingly share my toothbrush with girl friends.....

-

Today I accidentally put on odd shoes. Both black so no one noticed....

100 100 99

So the Black Caps have finally fired in the test arena. After a slaughtering at the merciless blade of Gilly and co, NZ have put on nearly 500 runs against Sri Lankia in the Napier test.

Marshall (H) smashed a top class 160 and Astle (N) scored his tenth test century with a 116. Onya boys! McCullum (B)is on 80 and looks good to make a 100 as well. When was the last time NZ had 3 centurions in an innings? I’m not sure but I think it could have been Lou Vincent’s century on debut innings against Aussie a few years back.

So if this is a case of all things being equal (NZ batting line up) and you change one thing McGrath to Vass – it just shows u how dam good the Aussie bowlers are.

Bring on the Ashes tour of England….


Update: McCullum LBW in the nervous nineties for 99. D'oh! Thats two outs in the 90's for him. He must be hacked off. Franklin has got his first test 50 so well done.

Only in Thailand?

So I'm doing some research for a speech and I came across this foto. It appears its one of those 'classic' viral emails that get sent around....

The perils of punting

By a mate Nige who blindly backs the Warratah's each season to win the Super 12 ....

THE PERILS OF PUNTING by Nige

One day while surfing the net
I thought I'd have a wee bet
An attempt to recover
my funds lost on other
Previous failed attempts

I picked out the Oz Waratahs
A side brimming with stars
They'd started ok
with wins home and away
By round five, their record unmarred

But then they met Canterbury's pack
With blokes like Maxwell and Jack
While low down and cheatin'
they had no problems beatin'
The Tah's, whose defence turned to crap

So gone again are my bucks
Wasted on those Waratahs schmucks
Once again I've been burned
you'd think I'd learn
That Australian rugby is not very good at the moment.

REM Concert review from New Plymouth, NZ 28 March 2005

Finally I was at an REM concert! They opened with 'I took your name' from Monster and then cranked it! Stipe was manic contrasted with Buck's restrain. Mills was Mills. Brilliant.

Bad Day, Animal. I got my fill on Orange Crush. An aborted I'll take the Rain became CCR's Have you ever seen the rain? It seemed spontaneous but I bet they pull that trick whenver it rains.

I was amping. I was dancing. I was singing. Losing my Religion helped by heart soar to new heights. That song was up there with seeing Live do 'Lightning Crashes' and Oasis do 'Wonderwall'.

Walk Unafraid was a highlight for me too.

You knew you were at an REM concert when the arpeggio notes of Everybody Hurts chimed in. Utterly Amazing. Stipe sounded sang so close to that as he did on the album version. It was beautiful.

The oddest thing was at one stage I started thinking of Minority Report when Tom Cruise drinks the sour milk. Weird. But ne way, Moving on to Man on the Moon, and the WTK? and Nightswiming just rounded off a great concert experience.

The sound and venue were brilliant too.

An open letter to R.E.M.

Dear Stipey, Mike and Peter.

I figure seeing as I own all your albums plus a few singles and vids you owe me.

Please therefore play 'Country Feedback' this Saturday when u play the Bowl at New Plymouth.

In fact u only have to play that one song if u want.

Your number one fan etc.....

Jimmy Jangles

-

Update. They didn;t play it , but we did get new song Death is Pretty Final.

CHeck out my R.E.M. fan site, Remurmur

The Weary Wanderer

Something Random, I was thinking Johnny Cash

The Weary Wanderer

There's a weary weight on my shoulder
'Tis making me grow older
This wagon I'm a dragon' has got no wheels
and the whiskey's taken my zeal

Used to be brave
With nerves of steel
Tough now, the days are tough
and life's assortments are pretty rough


-

The Wanderer was a song that U2 wrote for Johnny Cash from the Zooropa album.

The loneliness of the Loser Cruiser

So like I catch the loser cruiser each morning down the winding hill to work. Everyday at the bus stop, littering the street, are the same usual suspects all dressed in their black bank suits, school uniforms, impossibly sharp heeled high heels and the usual accoutrements of umbrellas, hand bags and of course the ever present 10 trip bus tickets.

I see these people 5 days a week and I never say a word to them or even acknowledge their presence. They do like wise for me. I do give them imaginary names usually associated with an imaginary job. There’s Lawyer Dude, Bank Girl, Rich Dude that Must be a Good Lawyer, and Looks kinda like Wonderwoman. There’s Fat Bitch that always goes to the front of the cue, Got knocked up and I appear to be Single Girl, Ugly Guy with surprisingly Not So Ugly Girlfriend and of course my personal favourite Hey look! There’s my flatmate running for the bus cos he’s late dude.

I think the etiquette while waiting at the bus stop is basically keep your shit to yourself.

So then when I actually meet 'Looks like Wonderwoman' at a friend’s leaving party on Friday I was pleasantly surprised to find she’s a very nice person. Unexpectedly she chose to sit next to me on the bus today – greeted me with a nice smile. I wondered if that’s cos she remembers what I drunk dick I am or what. We had a nice chat about the our friend in common, the party etc ra ra.

So here’s the conundrum – Am I obliged to say hello to her every day from henceforth? Or any other Early Morning Usual Suspect? It’s like some kind of Seinfeld situation where now that you’ve said hello to a resident in your appartment block your obliged to continue the acquaintance… Would one be being rude if one ignored my new bus buddy? Hell what if they ignored me? Should I say hello next time?

Well the answer is simple and its has something to with the fact she’s called Looks kinda like Wonderwoman. :)