I went to Hastings


It appeared shut and I stubbed my toe kicking the light switch out.

Good Night Kiwi Is Back!


The Good Night Kiwi is returning to NZ TV!



Back in the old days there were two TVNZ Channels 1 and 2. The Good Night Kiwi animation ran on each to signal the end of the day's transmission. It was much loved in my family and those across NZ - we often got the magazines that the Kiwi starred in. No idea what they were called...


the good night kiwi and cat tvnz


The animation is the Kiwi and a cat turn out the lights of the TVNZ studio, put out an empty milk bottle, climb a flight of stairs and take a lift to the top of a satellite tower before settling into bed in the satellite dish screened from 1980 to October 1994.





We generally don't put out milk money these days!

Wikipedia says that the music that starts when Kiwi plays an audiobook cassette is an instrumental arrangement of the traditional Māori lullaby, Hine e Hine, or was sometimes God Save the Queen.

Stuff reports that three new cat and kiwi sequences have been made to promote the Christmas Season.

The first, to screen from tomorrow, has the pair decorating a Christmas tree; in the second, to screen between Christmas and New Year, the Christmas tree is dismantled; and the third, for the rest of summer, has the Kiwi reclining on a lilo in a pool disturbed by the cat.

The Top 10 Worst Rock Costumes in Rock History


The Top 10 Worst Rock Costumes in Rock History

You remember when your Mum made you wear that ugly sweater that your loving but colour blind grandmother knitted you by candlelight? You felt like a dick. You're not the only one who's worn the equivalent, there's plenty of rock stars who actually made the choice. The results are in and they are worse than the sweater - call in the fashion police!

Coming in at number 10 is Tina Turner as Auntie in Mad Max. Shoulders pads were huge in the 80's but this was taking it a step to far. Whatever did happen to the children?

tina turner auntie mad max

Elton John wearing a Duck Suit comes in at 9. The Madman from Across the Water was known to relish the chance to wear any old thing, duck suits a specialty. Hello! Elton! 

elton john in a duck suit picture
Kanye West dodges the Papparazzi on his way to 8. Check out his cool sunglasses before he comes and punches you.

kanye west fashion disaster

David Bowie is relaxed and only dancing his way to number 7 on the Top Ten Rock Fasion Disasters list. Bowie's manager told him he was going to the beach so he donned these spiffing swimming trunks. Imagine his surprised when he walked out in front of his fans. No one in the audience was surprised however.

david bowie fashion disaster picture

Doing his worst for The Beautiful People, Marilyn Manson spits on himself at 6. Nuff said really, other than we heard he borrowed the panties from Dita Von Tisse.

marilyn manson fashion disaster

Midway brings us number 5 and Gary Glitter. He's a bad man you know and went to jail. The fashion police sent his costume away too.

gary glitter fashion crime victim
She drove all night to get to number 4, Cyndi Lauper comes up with this offspring of the Statue of Liberty and a rainbow...

cyndi lauper fashion crime
Number 3 in our list of Top 10 Worst Rock Costumes so things must be getting bad. Maybe Bon Jovi's leather pants and long hair can save us?

bon jovi jon john fashion crime leather pants
Nope! Moving on to 2. Runner up to the worst rock costume in rock history is the entire membership of Lordi. The devil is a loser and he's my bitch.  Um yes, moving on to number one...

lordi masks fashion crimes rock worst list


Our winner moonwalks their way to number one on  the Worst Rock Costumes in Rock History list. Congratulations, Micheal Jackson

michael jackson face fashion crime
Originally published on The Spaghetti Incident?

Some questions about mania, rankings and rankmaniacs


Some questions about mania, rankings and rankmaniacs

How long has the longest incorrect fact remained on Wikipedia? Did it really matter?

What about that Halloween Maniac who shot the kid? :(

Would you rank Dig Out Your Soul higher than Don't Believe the Truth?

When does Transformer 2: Revenge of the Fallen come out? Optimus Prime wants to know.

With all the US Election mania, would you get Joe the Plumber to fix your drains?

Are you a rankmaniac?

What do you think of GNR's Chinese Democracy Lyrics? Will you buy or steal download the album?

Oh well whatever, nevermind


Do u realize u have probably lived longer than kurdt d cobain ?

But where's your heart ?

Does the cocoa cola company own it ?

Are u moving towards a sustainable practice ?

Either way store your heart in a cool place

And watch out for emo kids

Review of Battle for The Planet of the Apes.


Economic students should study the Battle for The Planet of the Apes for a lessen in the law of diminishing returns. This fourth sequel to the Planet of the Apes is a lesson in cashing in, low rent sets, poor acting, nonsensical plot and ignorance of science. This film is as cheap as Superman IV: The Quest for Peace was.

After conquering the oppressive humans in Conquest for the Planet of the Apes, some 30 years before, Caeser tries to keep the peace amongst the humans and apes, albiet with apes in charge.

Gorilla General Aldo views things differently, and tries to cause an ape civil war (of like 200 hundred monkeys). In the meantime, other human survivors learn of the ape city, and decide they want to take back civilization for themselves.

This sets up the most ludicrous battle scene possibly ever filmed in the entire history of bad films. The army from the city rolls up in their 3 motor bikes, a jeep with a canon and a school bus and burns a few monkey tree huts. Sensing victory they interrogate Ceaser who calls the foxing Apes to arms and they actually win the Battle for the Planet!

Cue an Orangtang giving a history lesson to both apes and human children some 600 years in the future! Gasp Ceaser changed the future! Earth did not explode! Chimps and Men can live in harmony!

While the previous for movies had some pretty dodgy paradigms, Battle for the Planet seems to ignore the cannon and comes up with some pretty odd situations. You have to suspend your belief for a bit to accept that in 30 years all Apes and Chimps can talk and can rationalise about space time continuums. You have to accept that a nuclear bomb can destroy a city but that everything below the surface can survive intact and that the electricity still works. You have to accept Caeser can set up an Ape City a day's walk from the city and that the bomb only destroyed the city and nothing else. You have to believe that in 30 years the Gorillas have formed an army ...of 30 Gorrillas.

It also sounds like they cut out a scene which would have given the movie some real relevance to the Ape series, in particular Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

The cut scene was from the end of the film which shows the beginnings of the House of Mendez cult. The humans in the city are about to fire off the doomsday bomb but decide not to, as it would destroy the Earth. Instead they form a religion around the bomb.

Overall, after the brilliance of the first 3 movies, the good effort of the third Battle for the Planet of the Apes is an Epic let down. Do yourself a favour and watch the original Planet of the Apes.

Conquest of the Planet of Apes: a film about conquering


Conquest: The act or process of conquering
Conquest of the Planet of Apes: a film about conquering.


The 4th movie in the Apes series takes place in 1991, 20 years after the events of the Escape from the Planet of the Apes. Cornelius and Zira are dead, but they gave birth to a baby ape who resurfaces as 20 year old ape with a monkey on his back about the treatment of his parents.

Apes have supplanted dogs and cats as household pets due to a virus killing all the world's pets and have replaced human servants as put upon personal assistants. The allegory is they are Black American Slaves.

The conquest begins as Caesar leads his chimp brothers in rebellion against the human oppressors by process of mutiny and then out and out revolt against their masters. This action is ultimately supposed to lead to the events of the Planet of the Apes movie but the Escape movie has created a predestination paradox or time loop. Something cannot come from the future to cause the future as the present has to happen uninterpreted to cause the future! Maybe the Battle for the Planet of the Apes will settle that one...

conquest of the planet of the apes movie poster picture review cornelius
The movie poster for Escape from the Planet of Apes

The film is particularly brutal in its depictions of violence against both beast and man. The finishing battle royale is a brute of a thing with apes blindly knifing Nazi styled guards and soldiers and bullet based massacres of charging apes.

The movie finishes with Caesar rejecting violence towards man but aiming to dominate them none-the-less with this speech:"But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is man’s destiny to be dominated, it is God’s will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!"

It was a tacked on ending. The first cut of the film had Caesar order the the execution of all the humans but test audiences found this too bleak and so Caesar's speech as added in. So as I gave praise for the film makers killing everyone in Beneath the Planet of the Apes, I take it away here for chickening out.

It's interesting to note that Caesar's name in Escape from the Planet of the Apes was Milo. I presume it was changed to reflect the life of the Roman Emperor, Julius Caesar.

Here's the ending on video:

Escape from The Planet of the Apes


Escape from the Planets of Apes is the second sequel to the original Planet of the Apes and its premise is to reverse the plot of of that movie.

Escape from the Planet of Apes Movie Poster

The IMDB gives the following synopsis"Cornelius and Zira, the simian ape couple from the first two ape films, flee from their doomed planet (after the events in Beneath...) in the same spaceship used by Taylor in the first film, and travel back through the same space/time porthole and land on late 20th Century Earth where they are received with fascination and fear from the people they meet."

I describe it as thus: Apes crash to Earth! Apes are Persecuted! Apes have a baby! Apes must Escape the Planet of the Apes! Tragic ending!

As has become expected by this time, the film makes good use of social commentary - the obvious is all there ape rights, equality for all. But it gets into the battle of the sexes, duplicitous scientists, abortion, forced sterilization and the question just about every sci fi movie about time travel struggles with - do humans have the right to alter their future?

It even asks the classic question - if you could, would you go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler?

Escape from the Planet of the Apes answers how the Earth got to the state it was in the first two ape movies. Cornelius described how a plague killed all the dogs and cats which lead to the enslavement of all the apes as pets who eventually revolted against man.

Overall, Escape from the Planet of the Apes is not as thrilling as the first two movies, suffering from third-movie-itus however it has it's moments and is a fun Sunday afternoon DVD.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes: Revisted


Beneath the Planet of the Apes: Revisted

Most sequels are over the top but Beneath the Planet of the Apes goes beneath the top to a world where religious zealots who worship an armed nuclear warhead go head to head with some grumpy gorillas intent on religious war in the name of their beliefs...


If this film wasn't released in 1970 I'd swear it was a commentary on the arms race of the eighties and nuclear politics or even the various American wars in Iraq with a bit of Islamic fundamentalism thrown in for good measure.

Or it could just be another movie about apes thinking they rule the planet.

The premise is that Taylor and Nova, our heroes from the original Planet of the Apes left the apes to go find themselves - instead Taylor found he was on Earth. They travel inwards from the coast and Taylor disappears...

An astronaut, named Brent, is sent on a mission from Earth to find the missing astronaut crew from the first film, and as his bad luck would have it he crashes on the planet of the apes, Earth, where he stumbles upon an underground city where the last humans have hold up in hiding from the dreaded ape army now out to exterminate mankind as man is not so kind to monkeys. He finds Nova and predictably gets caught by the apes. Then he escapes, Yay!

beneath the planet of the apes nova and brent tunnel Brent and Nova wearing the lastest Man Slave fashions

He finds Taylor and they get caught up in the battle between the humans and the apes. Having killed off every major character along the way, with his dying act Taylor sets off the atomic bomb ending the war between the animals and in doing so destroys all life on planet Earth.

Which is great because most movies chicken out and do the miracle rescue ending. Taylor damns them all to hell!

The movie explores themes similar themes to the original but this time focuses more on the use of religious dogma as a reason to go to war. It pits the seemingly cruel human religious zealots who want peace but worship a nuclear weapon versus the supposed morally superior Ape race who derive their faith from interpreting some old scrolls.

The movie has a great scene where the humans celebrate a mass in honour of the atomic bomb. Borrowing heavily from the traditional Catholic mass the movie succeeds in highlighting the absurdity of religion and blind faith in general. At the climax of the mass the humans reveal their true selves to their god and in a great mini surprise they remove their masks to hide some hideously grotesque faces. It's quite a horrific movie moment and for me the highlight of the movie.

beneath the planet of the apes disfigured human face pictureReason number 1 to wear sunscreen: The Burn

So in all not quite as riveting as the first movie but its set pieces where pretty good and with a fairly hectic ending, it gets two thumbs up as a pretty sweet lazy sunday afternoon DVD.

Planet of the Apes - Insert Appropriate Monkey Joke Here


Planet of the Apes - Insert Appropriate Monkey Joke Here
So like I broke into to Chucky's house and stole his Box Set of the entire Planet of the Apes series which is the original, Plant of the Apes and four sequels.

I saw this film as a kid back in the day when we only had two tv channels and thought it was a cool movie about apes. Nowadays as a grown up (of sorts, I'm still watching ape movies) I was able to enjoy the movie's themes as well.

The movie explores all kinds of themes, man's doomsday death wish and love of war. Racism and class war. Vivisection and the youth rebelling against the ideals of the dominant generation. It explores the hypocrisy of religion and the quest for scientific knowledge. With all these things packed into the film you sometimes forget that our hero is being chased by monkeys with guns. It almost sounds like Snakes on a Plane but less farcical. The farce comes in the sequels...

The score is excellent. At times the music mimics the jungle so we get a riotous cacophony of gorillas and chimp in the chase bits.

I presume you've seen at least the original so you know the basic premise and probably that the film has one of the most famous twists in a movie. No, our hero Taylor (played by a swaggering Charlton Heston) is not a ghost but a manwho faces his destiny when he realises he has been on the plant Earth all along.



At this time one is presumably to supposed to reflect on the the title of the film and how it not only refers to the apes but also the men that sent Taylor to his ultimate destiny.

Here's a great discussion on the other endings that were thought of during the scripting process.

And here's a video of the ending with a suddenly very depressed Charlton Heston crying "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!" which I realised I could still remember most of from when I saw it as a kid, it was that cool an ending.

How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties


How to avoid germs, cooties, and other nasties


Germs are everywhere!

In the sink, in your coffee and in your spleen.

On door knob and in the unwrapped mints on the counter of the restaurant. You should take no comfort that your desk has more germs than a toilet.

So for all the germ phobes, obsessive compulsives, and avian flu junkies out there, Jimmy Jangles brings you "How to avoid germs, cooties and other nasties".
  • When you visit the loo in a public place (movies, work etc) push open the doors well above or below the door handle. Chances are those spots are clear and more germ free than the urine stained handle that the weird guy in IT no talks to left behind
  • Avoid Avian Flu but not talking to Avians
  • It's okay to talk to Germans, except about the war. Don't mention the war! Just lie back and and think of England.
  • Live in a giant bubble like the Bubble Boy.
  • Don't press lift buttons. Use a pencil or wait for your colleague. God knows which filthy beggar has been there before you. At least you'll avoid the snot and boggies I left for you after I picked my nose all morning.
  • Don't smoke the cigarette butts you found in the street. I mean really, it's a filthy habit.
  • Use the First Toilet in the Bathroom/washroom stall. Men better than you or I have conducted research which has shown that that most people use the middle stall so leave those ones to the common people. This is because more use such as dropping the kids off at the pool means they're the dirtiest and have the most germs.
  • Don't hold hands with girls, they have cooties! Eooohwww!! Girl germs. Don't kiss them either.
  • When finished a set at the gym, wear jandals in the shower. Athlete's foot is not your friend.
  • After you've spent all night at the Strip Club, wash your hands. You know why.
  • The Foot Flush: Instead of flushing the toilet with you hand, use the bottom of your shoe!
So now you know how to be free of germs! No get out there and take some unnecessary antibiotics!

My Superman Sequel Audition with Byran Singer Picures


So like when I heard that Bryan Singer had fired Brand Routh from staring as Superman / Clark Kent in the sequel to Superman Returns I flew to Sydney, Australia for an audition.

The limousine picked me up and took me straight to Singer's production studio where I met him and his staff. I did a couple of scenes with Kate Bosworth (newsroom scenes from the original Dick Donner flick) and that was it.


Byran said loved it and said don't call me I'll call you. Here's a pick of me as Superman from the flying sequence of the audition.


jimmy jangles superman audition byran singer sequel

In other movie sequel news, Micheal Bay has confirmed I'll be starring as Shia's love interest in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Captain Jack fights Back


I think Grant Smithies is shit too, Billy Joel.

Indeed Optimus Prime and I were having a brandy last evening when he exclaimed that The Down Easter Alexa was his favourite song. I ventured, any man that can sing a song about his love for his fishing boat can't be an asshole but that Grant Smithies is.

Then Ratchet came in and said Grimlock wanted to be told a story about Rabbits so Prime went and obliged.

I put on Allentown and had another brandy.

What ever happened to Fenella Bathfield?


fenella bathfield in a bikini

So like after the success of what ever happened to Penelope Barr?, Jimmy Jangles brings you:

What ever happened to Fenella Bathfield?


Update: Well shoot, I should really pay attention to the commenters on le blog. Ms Bathfield herself appears to have commented on the Barr post:

"Fenella Dobson was in australia had two children, thus the weight gain, which is now quite gone, and now lives in Hong Kong. This is her by the way and you can check me out on facebook as Fenella Bathfield/Dobson and see what i look like now! fenella"

Cheers Fenella, we really appreciate that! Kiwis - 'bless em - they are real people.

You don't see Oprah Winfrey leaving messages round here do you?
Fenella used to be the resident after school hottie on TVNZ's '3.45 live' and then later on The Bugs Bunny Show. The Bugs Bunny show also had Fiona Anderson and Hinemoa Elder who when on to produce with Paul Holmes the wild child that is Minnie Elder.

This guy reckons something fell out on 3.45 live once. That probably gave Ollie Olsen a heart attack. Of course, it aint on Youtube and if it aint on Youtube it didn't happen eh?

Well actually there's not a lot of info on the interwebz about Ms Fenella Bathfield - so if you've got a story to share leave it in the comments.

Image Source: Fenella's Myspace page.

Cat's Pee on A Gooseberry Bush


Cat's Pee on A Gooseberry Bush.

Heh I Said Bush. It's a wine in a green bottle. Or rather is a 2007 Sauvignon Blanc from Purr Products.

cat pee on a gooseberry bush wine picture

So we grabbed it from the supermarket cos who doesn't want to try cat pee and support the SPCA?

For the record, those with discriminating taste will find it tastes like the proverbial. Winos will give a pass mark.

Some actual wine dude described the 2004 Cat's pee as "Named for a common way of describing the aromas of Sauvignon Blanc, this has more gooseberry than the other descriptors, along with green apple flavours and zesty acidity. Pair it with goat cheese and tomato tart."

The Road by Cormac McCarthy Review


Here's my fawning review of The Road by Cormac McCarthy

the road cormac mccarthy novel picture book

Despite this book being fawned over by Oprah Winfrey and her book club, I must say this is one of the most entertaining reads I've had in a while.

It's horrific, it's hungry, it's human.

It's also on Amazon.

The story is set in an unknown time of an unexplained post apocalyptic destruction. A great fire has scorched the earth along the road on which which a tired father and his son travel seeking warmer climes.

Forget the story for a moment and read the writing - it is pure literary porn. This line is from the first page of The Road and just by itself it conjures up a bleakness that no winter frost could ever predict:

"Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world"

This sentence just sets the tone of the novel perfectly.


Note the glaucoma line should probably have a comma. Cormac McCarthy only uses full stops, question marks and the odd apostrophe for punctuation. This lacking only serves to highlight the bareness of the travelers' path.

At its heart, The Road is a story of an endearingly protective father who guard his son's life with his own. This is not Finding Nemo but is a broken road through hell where the sharks are men who think nothing of eating human flesh, in fact in McCarthy's world these men harvest the arms and legs of their captives, while the captives are still alive.

It literally day to day living.

The story is savage enough but this book didn't with the 1997 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 2007 for nothing (The Color Purple or To Kill A Mocking Bird are past winners) .

It would not be wrong to imagine that this is what's left of the earth after the monsters found in The Book of Revelations have passed through.

Frankly, after reading this novel Jesus would have wept more than the time Judas betrayed him.

Not that Jesus could read English, mind you.

Unsurprisingly The Road was being made into a film by John Hill Coat and starred Viggo Mortenson and Charlize Theron (as the mother in quite depressing flashbacks). 


When I was 13 I read Z for Zacharia, a children's book about a young female teenager trapped in a valley safe from a nuclear wasteland but who was being tormented by Mr Loomis.

That story has always remained in my memory with its near rape and always pending doom - The Road replaces that for me and I doubt I'll be able to eat meat from a spit roast in a while.

Buy The Road from Amazon now. Don't watch the movie instead. Read the book!

Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world - The Road


Well hello there. Did you miss me? I hate clutter. But I love the iphone. Best feature? GPS. Worst Feature? It can't do my homework but at least I can still blame that on the dog. Not that I have a dog. The fleas are debatable I guess.

Thirsty? Jimmy Barry Cover Drive.

Hungry? Hell's Pizza.

Complaints? See management, I just work here man.

Jimmy Jangles is reading The Road by Cormanc McCarthy of No Country for Old Men fame.ish.ness. Frankly, this book would have made Jesus wept more than the time Judas betrayed him. Or was that Peter Piper the Cock Crow eater? Heh, I said cock. Not coke, cock. heh

Not that Jesus could read English, mind you.

Forget the story for a moment and read the writing - it is pure literary porn. This line is from the first page of The Road and just by itself it conjures up a bleakness that no frost could ever predict:

"Like the onset of some cold glaucoma dimming away the world"

Neways 1 it just sets the tone perfectly.

NE ways 2 it makes Z for Zacharia look like a kids book. Oh wait, I was 13 when I read that...

Paul McCartney's awesome Quebec concert set list


Paul McCartney's awesome Quebec concert set list can be found on The Spaghetti Incident?

free speech for the dumb


free speech for the dumb

a poem


free speech for the dumb
freedom to suck your bloody thumb
pre-paid taxes for the rich
a man becomes a mum
the rest may drown in a ditch
let them eat cake
as they watch the hollywood remake
congested traffic and congested noses
no time to listen to the gospel of moses
fair trade, fair play and cold play
it was bullrush with rocks in socks in my day
the queen used to be victoria
now he stands on the corner
turning tricks so she gets her fix, boy
coke is cheaper than milk and what about the fizzy
reality tv awash with leaky homes and bad parents
cost of petrol fumes makes me dizzy
the pope apologises as the church repents

Oasis Dig Out Your Soul Cover and Track Listing Released


Manchurian Candidates, Oasis, are gearing up to release their new album, Dig Out Your Soul.

Jimmy Jangles is mega happy about this - the last album was brilliant Oasis, back to their WTSMG best - critically, if not commercially out side of Britain anyway.
Swear I'm Not Paul tipped me off that the Oasis album cover is out. I would describe it as one of those 'Cool Beatles/Britannia' ones. The cover is an original piece of art by London-based designer, Julian House. It features a pair of hands cradling some kind of exploding drum. Butterflies flit about, while an eyeballs stares obliquely off to the side while a newspaper asks the viewer to 'Come in, Come out!'. Which we know now as a lyric from The Shock of the Lightning. Full consideration of the cover is on The Swamp Song.

oasis dig out your soul album cover image picture
The first single from the Dig Out Your Soul album will be "The Shock of the Lightning" written by Noel Gallagher, to be released on September 29 this year. Based on recent single releases by Oasis, there's no doubt it will hit the British Charts at number 1.

Noel Gallagher has bragged of the song: "If ‘The Shock of the Lightning’ sounds instant and compelling to you, it’s because it was written dead fast. And recorded dead fast. ‘The Shock of the Lightning’ basically is the demo. And it has retained its energy. And there’s a lot to be said for that, I think. The first time you record something is always the best”.

Here's the track listing for Dig Your Own Soul

  1. "Bag It Up" - 5:12
  2. "The Turning" (Andy Bell) - 4:32
  3. "Waiting for the Rapture" - 4:57
  4. "The Shock of the Lightning" - 4:24
  5. "I'm Outta Time" (Liam Gallagher) - 5:20
  6. "(Get Off Your) High Horse Lady" (Gem Archer) - 5:07
  7. "Falling Down" - 4:18
  8. "To Be Where There's Life" - 5:35
  9. "Ain't Got Nothin" (L. Gallagher) - 3:32
  10. "The Nature of Reality" - 4:48
  11. "Gigi" - 1:05 (Japanese Bonus Track)

All songs are by Oasis mainstay, Noel Gallagher except where noted. There's two from Liam Gallagher and I'll be taking a keen interest in those to see if he has progressed from Songbird and the Meaning of Soul which where basically E and G chord variations.

Here's a recently released video of the making of The Shock of the Lightning which is the first single from Dig Out Your Soul.

How to write and perform an Old School Metallica Song




How to Write and perform an Old School Metallica Song.

Some background requirements before begining. Lead singer should have a problem with alcohol, the drummer should have got drool on his IQ test but have an ego bigger than his fat round face.

The bass player should be a pushover and the lead guitarist should be a quiet fellow who lets his chops do the talking. Long hair is compulsory for all band members.

Intro:

Begin with a slow, melodic solo.
Add a monster riff that slowly builds over the solo. (If more experienced, reverse these two)
Enter drum beat with a percussion mallet.

Hit those toms faster and faster

Verse:

Continue monster riff with extra rhythm.
Depending on quality of bass player, bass is optional.
Begin singing about the injustice of war, how black your heart is and death in general . Do not include lyrics about love for your mama until you go mainstream.

Chorus:

Metallica don't need no stinking chorus, merely another line about death.

Bridge:

Break for a different arrangement of the monster riff. Include a hint of the 10 minute solo to come.

Verse:

Remind your fans that this is a song about the black death and your stuck at home in sanitarium. Keep that riff going.

Kirk Hammet Type Solo:

Cut from verse and slow it down so people know something cool is going to happen. Replay initial solo but with variation on melody. Get faster. Nope not fast enough. Play it faster. So people know you are serious musicians, change key and add in different guitar effect. Walk up and down the fret board until it bleeds.

Rinse of the blood, repeat

Play drums faster. Play Monster Riff faster. Play 5th solo way fareeeking fast.

Quick Verse:

The song is still about death and the dance of the dead so remind listeners of this fact. Kill 'em all!

Outro: Play fast for 5 seconds.

And you're done, a perfectly crafted old school Metallica song.

Now go play some Metallica!

Extra for Experts:

If you need some lyrical inspiration, find some Metallica lyrics here and here are the lyrics to Death Magnetic, the new Metallica album. And for something completely new, check out the lyrics to Mistress Dread by Metallica.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?


Question: What's the difference between a rock guitarist
and a jazz guitarist?

Answer: A rock guitarist gets to play three chords in
front of thousands of people.

H/T Pop bitch

Pablo Picasso was a breast man


So I went to Brisbane. It's like a high rent hooker called Dupré, compared to the 2 dollar crack whore from Melbourne named Divine.

Er...

I mean I had a good time.

So I went to a real life Pablo Picasso painting exhibition. The Gallery that hosts the exhibition describes it as featuring "over 100 works from Picasso's extraordinary collection plus more than 80 important works by the artist himself."

I describe it as pictures from a dirty old man who liked to sit around all day drawing pictures of hookers and whores with big hairy breasts. BIG HAIRY BREASTS people!

On seeing this I was surprised that Gillette (the best a man can get) does not sponsor the exhibition...

The pretty cool thing was that Picasso traded his work for other works so part of the collection was some of the paintings that inspired him - so there were drawings and prints by artists such as Chardin, Matisse, Renoir (more breasts), Cézanne, Rousseau, Miró, Modigliani and Braque, as well as an entirely boring selection of Oceanic and African works.

My favourite painting actually was Henri Matisse's Maguerite


Henri Matisse Marguerite painting

When I first saw this I was struck by the the simplicity of Matisse’s style.

You can see here how Matisse reaches the paintings apogee with the use of large blocks of solid colour and very minimalist touches, with simple lines for the eyes and nose. One may also be drawn to consider that Matisse must be admired for the courage it must have taken for this master of Fauvism to express himself with such candour.

Or you could just like the green dress and the funny way of spelling Margaret.

What would Matt Cutts do?


What would Matt Cutts do?

Some of you might have realised that Jimmy Jangles does more than simply haunt the pages of The Optimus Prime Experiment and engages in a few side sites, mainly The Spaghetti Incident? That blog started out with the intention of being focussed on music but it kind of floundered. Now I've discovered its niche in the interwebz and I focuss on providing setlists from rock concerts.

People seem to love set lists, the fan boys go nuts when they realise that Stone Temple Pilots have played their first gig together, Radiohead is touring America and played a random U2 B-side or that R.E.M. played Ignoreland for the first time ever in concert.

Ideally I'll make some money off the site and I also want it to be popular. A purple cow or something. So I've been learning all about search engine optimisation which is basically a way of saying, make your page so Google likes it and ranks you over the other purple cows in the paddock.

So from reading SEO sites like Mr Neil Harvey, Edyran and Matt Cutts I've learnt some of the basics of SEO design.

Matt Cutts is the guy that is Google's public face for rules about using Google's Adsense program and search engine optimisation. He is the guy that puts the fear into SEO black hatters - people who try and trick search engines into ranking their pages higher than others by dubious means.

Here's my brief summary of what search engine optimisation technigues have worked for The Spaghetti Incident? Proof it works? Visits in Feb - a few a day. Visits in May 300 - 600 unique per day (increased content has of course helped but I figure the following has too).

Content: I've tried to put on set lists of rock concerts of bands I like, have heard, respect etc. A couple of posts every day means the Google spiders are likely to visit more often and get my content into the google hivemind.

Titles: The titles of each post generally reflect three things: The band's name, that it's their set list and some kind of geographic tag. Searchers look to titles for info on what the subject of the post is. Don't be like a newspaper or woman's magazine and say something outrageous and unrelated to the content. It will just annoy people and they will bounce from your site quicker than a Brett Lee beamer.

Content and Key Words: As they say, content is king. Seeing as one set list of a concert can easily be copied from one site to another (that's how I do it) I try and add a lil bit of an intro to the set list, trying to incorporate the key words that were used in the title. I often use a lil of my own music knowledge and chuck in a factoid or two. Making the key words bold is apparently a good idea too. Good content is not however, it needs to be noticed!

Links:Links to your webpages are like votes in an election. He or she who has the most votes wins right? He who has the most votes, because of their great written content, wins.

Pictures: The SEO experts all say to use images in the post as the google's algorithm likes that stuff (and related links too). Naming the photo properly, giving it a caption and using the famous "alt tag" description gets you into google. Search under Images in Google using the key words 'Jimmy Jangles' and you'll see what I mean. Some people get in photos real fancy like visual sliders..

Making the site sticky: If people stick around and read more than one set list I reckon there is a better chance they will click a google ad and bring me 15 cents closer to retirement. So I try and offer at the end of every set list a url which takes them to more set lists of the artist within the site.

Always provide your source. It's just good manners and Google love's links.

This is all a very amateurish approach but its fun learning about all this stuff. If you want to know more you can ask yourself what would Matt Cutts do?

Jimmy Jangles' Transformers T-Shirt Collection


So like it seems like it's Transformers Week here at The Optimus Prime Experiment. If you like, you may blame my grandparents for being me back Mirage from the United States even before Transformers were cool in NZ. I just loved them for it.

You can however blame Jay Bee for this post. A couple of Valentine's ago she got me a Transformers T shirt. It's the one with the Autobot logo to the right. Since that time I have gone Transformers T Shirt Mad. For that you can blame cheap Jay Jay sales... They got a sweet range for 10 bucks a pop in the Manners Mall store Wellington if you keen...

So here's my Transformers T shirt Collection. Enjoy!

transformers t shirt collection

This is Jimmy Jangles' T Shirt Collection. Look I know you're jealous, buy your own.

Optimus Prime Megatron Logo

Optimus Prime Megatron Logo

Optimus Prime Red Logo, in old school pose.

Optimus Prime Red Logo, in old school pose.

Transformers the Movie, featuring Rodimus Prime and Arcee

Transformers the Movie, featuring Rodimus Prime and Arcee

Autobot Logo on Blue Background

Autobot Logo on Blue Background

Optimus Prime In Da Hood Logo

Optimus Prime In Da Hood Logo

Transformers Decepticon Soundwave

Transformers Decepticon Soundwave


Transformers Decepticon Starscream. He's like the fan favourite bad guy. Well its either him or Soundwave.

Optimus Prime T Shirt Banned from a Flight


So like like The Optimus Prime Experiment goes into overdrive this week with a third post on the megatron munting machine.

Turns out a British fellow by the name of of Brad Jayakody was stopped by airport guards from boarding his flight because he was wearing a Transformers T-shirt showing Optimus Prime, fearless leader of the Autobots brandishing a cartoon gun....

optimus prime tshirt banned flight

Is this what the world has come to? Under educated service staff deeming cotton being a potential terrorist threat? What if Brad had been wearing a Starscream T-shirt? Would the airline have called in the Queen's Royal Guards?

And because I've been drinking I just thought of a joke. What do you get if you cross Optimus Prime with Jake Heke? Optimuss Prime!

For those readers that don't come from New Zealand, thats a reference to Jake the Muss from the film Once Were Warriors.

Nobody white washes Optimus Prime!


So like I love this picture of Optimus Prime. It's a throw up* piece that I found on the bottom of the steps on Hood Street Street.

optimus prime graffitti art stencil

As I wandered past it on Saturday I saw some dude was whitewashing the building next to the steps. Sensing the worse, I checked, and sure enouugh the whole wall of graffiti was gone. Just like nobody puts baby in the corner, nobody white washes Optimus Prime!

So here's my appeal - whoever did the stencil, please do it again!!!!

Disclaimer: Like the wise judge in Hastings, Jimmy Jangles does not endorse the practice of tagging on public and private property. Unless its Prime time.

* I learnt that term from watching Mu and the cool kids doing the business on Shortland Street. Not that I watch Shortland Street you understand.

Optimus Prime


Man petrol prices are getting so high Optimus Prime has been grumbling about having to take the bus to work. "The Loser Cruiser is for losers," he cried. "It should be Megatron on the bus, not me, the fearless Autobot leader!"

He then mumbled something about peace loving hippies voting for the Green Party and rolled out to save Bumblebee from falling for an obviously set Constructicon trap.

autobot leader optimus prime

Pictured: Optimus Prime, not a fan of the loser cruiser.

Where in the world is Penelope Barr?


Penelope Bar presenting the weather

Whatever happened to weather presenter Penelope Barr


Last I heard, Penelope married Johnny from Shortland Street but that collapsed like a weather bomb in the Waikato, Nu Zillan.

You see what I did there didn't you? Made a joke about Penelope being a weather presenter didn't I?

Penelope Barr
Penelope got up to some crazy adventures as a weather presenter, why once I recall she, she got comment that the weather would be fine and sunny for the Doctor Who convention being held in Auckland, Nu Zillan.

Penelope also helped host the much loved TV show,  In the Bag? with the great John Hawkesby.

What was in the bag was actually usually an old sock, Invercargill, but sometimes you'd get a nice new washing machine and everyone would go home happy that the sheets would be clean at Audrey's place.

Not that they were ever not clean at Audrey's place you understand, more that they would be cleaner.

Penelope Barr understood this of course and was well respected for it.

Turns our Penelope now works for Massey University as Head of External Relations.

Next on Jimmy Jangles: Where in the world is Steve Parr and Fenella ?

Remember that Night - David Gilmour DVD Review


david gilmour on an island cover

So like when I was in Auckland last week I scored myself a copy of David Gilmour's Remember that Night. For those of you old enough to remember or cool enough to check them out, David Gilmour was the guitarist for Pink Floyd. So I'm gonna review it for you...

Since Roger Waters left Pink Floyd in a real huff in the mid 1980s, Pink Floyd has largely been the moniker for a David Gilmour solo album i.e. Momentary Lapse of Reason and The Division Bell. I guess a reluctance to continue as Pink Floyd has lead to Gilmour to release his third solo album, On An Island



It's a melodic piece, with a brilliant opening track, Castellorizon, which is a basically a guitar solo with a few melodies that hint at things to come throughout the rest of the album.

But who am I to say? Rolling Stone magazine chimed in with:

"It's a crawling headphones record that puts germs of ideas - leaden riffs, astral soundscapes, hazy psychedelia - where fully realized songs ought to go. "

That sounds a lil grumpy so lucky for David The Guardian was more enthused:

"The title track sums up both the album's appeal and its limitations: a slow, anthemic waltz with modest lead vocals, sweetly sung harmonies (courtesy of David Crosby and Graham Nash), lashings of overdubbed guitars, sweeping orchestrations and a big solo at the end."

So all this leads to David Gilmour filming a DVD of of a London concert where he plays the whole of On an Island with his regular backing band - being regular Pink Floyd performers over the years and even Richard Wright himself on keyboards.

The concert is called Remember that Night which is a lyrical taken from the album.

david gilmour remember that night

The concert kicks of with a few old school Pink Floyd Songs from Dark Side of the Moon and then launches into the whole On An Island. I sat there enthralled at the sounds and songs. Everyone complains about bands that just do endless solos, well I love that and that's what I got.

After the album, they got back into some Pink Floyd numbers. The band is sharp and know there places. I was heartened to see Richard Wright totally loving playing Coming Back to Life.

And then they played a song I'd never heard before called Echoes. I knew it existed as a song as it was the title of a Pink Floyd Greatest hits album and was originally recorded in 1971. This song is a monster epic and you you know what I thought midway, it sounds like the Phantom of the Opera. I couldn't believe it so I looked it up on Wikipedia and sure enough Roger Waters is quoted as saying

"Yeah, the beginning of that bloody Phantom song is from Echoes. *DAAAA-da-da-da-da-da* [sic]. I couldn't believe it when I heard it. It's the same time signature - it's 12/8 - and it's the same structure and it's the same notes and it's the same everything. Bastard. It probably is actionable. It really is! But I think that life's too long to bother with suing Andrew fucking Lloyd Webber".

Which totally explains why on Roger Water's song Amused to Death (which I first heard when I watched his In the Flesh DVD last month) he rants about human behaviour and that of Andrew Loyd Weber, who wrote The Phantom of the Opera:

"We cower in our shelters, with our hands over our ears Lloyd Webber's awful stuff runs for years and years and years / An earthquake hits the theatre, but the operetta lingers / Then the piano lid comes down and breaks his fucking fingers / It's a miracle"

Remember, I'd never heard the song before but I saw the Phantom In Melbourne in January so I knew what it was when I heard.

Anyways Echoes is a mega epic rock song and its worth watching Remember that Night for that song. Or you could watch it on youtube.

Now if I was a proper journalist I'd probably write a really witty closing off paragraph here but I'll suggest you just watch this:



Extra for Experts:

Heres the concert set list for Remember that Night

"Speak to Me"
"Breathe"
"Time"
"Breathe (Reprise)"
"Castellorizon"
"On an Island" (with David Crosby and Graham Nash)
"The Blue" (with David Crosby and Graham Nash)
"Red Sky at Night"
"This Heaven"
"Then I Close My Eyes" (with Robert Wyatt)
"Smile"
"Take a Breath"
"A Pocketful of Stones"
"Where We Start"
"Shine On You Crazy Diamond, Pts. 1-5" (with David Crosby and Graham Nash)
"Fat Old Sun"
"Coming Back to Life"
"High Hopes"
"Echoes"
"Wish You Were Here"
"Find the Cost of Freedom" (with David Crosby and Graham Nash)
"Arnold Layne" (with David Bowie)
"Comfortably Numb" (with David Bowie)

Pink Floyd have regrouped to do The Endless Summer -check the lyrics to the song Louder than Words.

Lazy Lenin Licked Lentils Lovingly and Lavishly


It was that wise fellow Lenin said who once remarked that quantity has a quality of its own. I think he may have been referring to having the most marbles in the play ground being a good thing. Lenin did not like to share you see. He pretended he did, but he didn't.

Lenin was also fond of lentils. I have no idea why.

How many is a googillion?


Here's a thought on American Idol - that more people will vote over the current series of American Idol than will vote for Barrack Obama and John McCain in the American Presidential election.
 
As usual I do some inscrutable cabbage maths:
 
Every week 20 million people vote for David Cook or just happy to be there for the exposure wannabe. American Idol runs for like 20 years. Multiply that by the people voting for Ryan Seacrest and you get 5000 million billion votes for Idol.
 
America has an exact population of 199,999,007 people. If every single one of them voted for Obama or the dude that enjoyed 5 odd years at the Hanoi Hilton, you would only get 199,999,007 votes. Which is about 75 googillions short of what American Idol gets.
 
I know I'm write about this, Ben Stiller helped with the maths.
 
The policy implications are clear - Obama and McCain should have a sing off on the seasonal end of American Idol. The person with the most ring in votes can be President and have a generic well produced but with no memorable melody number one hit.

Do Not Read The Link In This Post


Man vs Clown delivers a genius post. I sincerely warn you, this is not safe for work, mothers, grandmothers, sisters or people with nervous disorders.

But it is extremely funny.

Shaved my hair off!


jimmy jangles
So like I cut all my hair off to a number 4 with the clippers...